Keeping The Fast
Or
Testing My Ever Loving Limits…

Last night in a blur of stupidity I went to karaoke despite my starting of my Yom Kippur fast (yes, yes, I know, karaoke is not exactly a RELIGIOUS activity, so bite me), if not for my promise to Porn Star to ferry her to above mentioned bar activity, I would have stayed home and not eaten with my family. THIS was much more fun though. Upon sitting my ass down at the table, I found myself informing out dear waitress that I would in fact not be having anything… at all... not even water. Upon seeing the raised eyebrows and incredulous look upon her face, I found myself explaining why and promising to tip even though she wouldn’t be serving me. She smiled politely and walked away thinking I’m either crazy or a masochist.

In accordance with the laws of Yom Kippur I shunned my leather shoes in favor of some… er.. non-leather ones. I opted for my very cool black polka-dotted rubber rain boots despite the dry status of the weather. It was a bold choice but a smart one for me… or maybe just a bold one. Anyway, they are so damn cool I may have to wear them every freaking day for the next month. I got many adoring comments (by adoring I mean loud laughter and pointing) for my fashion choice. I also donned a very cool black corduroy cowboy hat – that was just another BOLD fashion choice and had nothing to do with religious law. I look good in hats and it helped to cover my hair that was choosing to look like ASS as I hadn’t put any anti-ASS stuff in it. I was looking good last night… or… not. Slash told me that the shirt I was wearing made me look pregnant. Thank you, thank you, fuck you very much. Nothing makes a lady feel special like hearing that she looks pregnant – well that only applies to ladies who ARE pregnant, the rest of us, well it makes us feel incredibly FAT and homicidal. Now here is where I throw in an apparently little known piece of knowledge – one should NEVER EVER EVER tell a fat chick she looks pregnant unless you have actually SEEN the sonogram photos and heard her proclaim self pregnancy or if you are holding her hand as she huffs and puffs and is in the process of actually squeezing that kid out of her body. I laughed it off – all 5 times he mentioned it and inwardly told him to BURST INTO FLAMES YOU FUCKER. It’s a good thing I was at the beginning of my fast and not towards the end where I’m hungry and cranky and tend to hallucinate and can make a weapon out of just about anything including a gum wrapper (all those episodes of McGuiver have paid off).

Before the evening was over I found myself wanting a drink… of anything… even just water. Damn it! But I didn’t give in. Snazzy Seg arrived and her and Porn Star conspired to torture me by us all going to Café Brazil after karaoke for a hot steaming cup of (nothing for me) coffee and a nice place of (nothing for me) pumpkin pancakes. Fuckers. It all smelled fabulous. The extremely adorable gay waiter remembered us and asked where the other chick was, the crazy one who ordered the fruit last time and I told him that D was busy with her big dicked boyfriend that night and that I would not be ordering ANYTHING at all. Again with the look of contempt from the wait staff, but how could I hold it against him? He’s so damn cute and gay! We laughed, we talked, we had a great time, I finally broke up the fun with a cranky reminder that I HAVE to get up early and it was 1:30 am so let’s pay the damn bill and go home! Truly I was pained to leave our delightfully gay waiter as he and I were bonding as only a flamer and a Patron Saint to The Gay People can. I thanked him for NOTHING and we left, but not before the other delightfully gay waiters commented on my fabulous boots and how he had a skirt that would match them and that he’d bring it for me next week when we noshed there. Rock on.

I dropped off Porn Star and drove home. A rather uneventful drive except for the car being driven by a cute young man no older than 20 who paced me for 10 or so miles trying to get my attention. Being that I’m rather DENSE in these matters I didn’t really realize he was trying to get my attention until right before he exited the highway flashing me a big smile and a peace sign. I tried to imitate his youngster gang sign of friendliness but am quite certain I only came off as an incredible dork. As I drove on home I wondered if he would have paced me so long or flashed me that peace sign if he had known that I’m a 34 year old mother of two, I think not. At any rate it was a nice ego boost and I took it as a sign that the higher power that be was smiling on me.

This morning however was a different story. 6 am came far to early and the fabulous fog outside has rendered my darling hair into a something akin to a Bride of Frankenstein wig that is not in fact a wig but my own real live hair. I also was hungry this morning, really HUNGRY. Most mornings I’m not really HUNGRY, just a little hungry. Damn it. Since I am fasting, I am a wee bit cranky now. Hungry and cranky. I’ve taken my pill and that’s it. My pill and some water to wash it down with. That is permitted. And am I not lucky that the pill says to take with a full glass of water… full pitcher sized glass of water. Um… yeah..

10:25 am
What the hell is wrong with this child???? She’s had a delightful breakfast of cereal and milk yet she’s WHINING about LUNCH already? In a grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice I keep hearing “Moooooooommm… Is it lunch time?” Over and over and over. Sheesh… Although… it may just be the voices in my head saying that. The temptation to take more stomach pills just so I can wash it down with a gallon or so of water (and a samich!) is there, but I will hold fast to my fast. Heh.. that was funny. Okay, no it wasn’t even remotely funny, cut me some slack, it hard to be funny when you want a Ho Ho!

11:15 am
Watching the offspring feed the cats a handful of treats has rendered me jealous and bitter. Right then I decided that the cats are also Jewish and dumped their food bowl hissing “No more for you fur bags!” This would be so much easier if I didn’t have a little one around… or food… or water… or if I wasn’t conscious. Darn that motherhood thing making me stay awake!

11:26 am
I’ve concluded that coffee isn’t food at all. It’s a LIFE FORCE ENERGY! Therefore it is not forbidden… and by that we can conclude that Splenda and cream are also permissible. Oh come on! Don’t give me that look! Sniffing the coffee grounds just isn’t doing it for me. Damn it.

Never before has a cheese sandwich looked so delightful. I lovingly made it with just a touch of mustard, cut it into quarters and placed it artfully on the cute blue Ikea plate with a handful of animal crackers and a side of juice. Then I sat and wept as she ate everything but the crust, which for some reason just the sight of them makes me salivate like Pavlov’s dogs. I think I need to go sniff the coffee again.

1:12 pm
I napped with the progeny only to dream of Krispe Kreame donuts – lots of them! I dreamed of watching the “Birth of donuts” at the Krispe Kreame place and being at the end of the line just snatching up the tasty hot fresh pieces of heaven and eating them. I awoke to find myself gnawing on my pillow and my toddler just staring at me with a look of fear. I guess I should be happy I wasn’t dreaming of eating a turkey and awoke to find her arm in my mouth. Back to sniffing the coffee.

3:30 pm
Licking a mint is not actually eating it right? Licking is okay right? Because it’s not actually EATING. I’ve started licking different food items… NOT eating, just licking. Like cheese, cheese is a very lickable food. As is ice and coffee grounds. Yeah, so I’ve been licking the cheese, the ice and the coffee grounds and I’m feeling a little better now. It helps that the sock puppets are keeping me company, not many arguments except for that one on creationism – stupid socks think the big bang has something to do with a washing machine. The only bad thing is that the grating, fingernails on chalkboard demon voice had returned, most surprisingly it’s coming from me now! And the things it’s saying, unbelievable things like “If you don’t give me a lick of that fucking popsicle right this instant I promise you that Polly Pocket is in for a painful and firey death!” or “I don’t care if daddy said it’s wrong to lick the cheese, tell him he’s going to have to stop me himself and hang up the damn phone!” Other than that, it’s going quite well, I feel as though I’ve reached a level of spirituality that I never knew I had… either that or these hallucinations are just really weird.

4:30 pm
Isn’t it sundown yet? Do I have to wait for it to be sundown here? Do non food items count as eating? Can someone make the socks stop talking???? It burns! It burns!!

5:10 pm
I hear an unearthly voice speaking to me. It is telling me to drive to Taco Bell and get 2 of the $10 value meals and eat them both in the car on the 4 block drive home and don’t forget the packets of mild sauce. The socks are talking also, politics and arguing over listening to public radio and the Little People are covered in pastel colored foam. I’m not sure if any of this is real or if I’m just really really hungry and having problems putting my socks on.

5:36 pm
How embarrassing. K just got home and caught me licking the television. Damn that turkey dinner looked realistic! Is it over yet? Isn’t it SUNDOWN yet! WHY on earth would they call it a FAST if it seems to take for ever until you can eat that box of Krispe Kreames?

5:45 pm
6:57 pm… that’s when this will be over. I can eat then. That’s over an hour away!!!! At least the cats are suffering with me…well not really, they are sleeping. Damn CATS!

6:30 pm
I’ve regained much of my sanity and the hallucinations have stopped… at least I think they have. D is on her way over to break the fast with me and maybe bring me a truck load of hot Krispe Kreame donuts. I’ve started about 15 different things cooking in preparation for 6:57 pm

8:30 pm
D and I return from a ‘Quick’ trip to WallyWorld. I have no idea why I didn’t grab a box of Ho Ho’s while in the store, I could have broken my fast right after we ran into Shaz in the frozen foods area. I’m sure she wouldn’t have even blinked as I shoved 6 of them in my mouth, but alas, I didn’t have any with me. Dinner was full of fiber and healthy goodness (vegetarian stuff for D) oh yeah and some Smirnoff Twisted V Raspberry drinks… and a box of Ho Ho’s… and half a pint of Hagen Daz… chocolate milk… pizza… a chili dog… and some mints. I’m about done with the box and the hallucinations are coming back but this time in a good way. Yom Kippur in the hood is done now.

*note: most incidents mentioned above did not happen and are completely fictional as the truth was far too boring.