Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Frightening Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

Enjoy the photo of a drawing my youngest Tiny Terrorist made for her Aunt D. I am not sure how it is possible that this wee progeny of mine can fail kindergarten but she can spell jihad correctly. I’m mildly disturbed by this, I’m even more disturbed by the drawing of my sister… with giant SOULDER PADS! I’m desperately fashionably impaired (I’ve even applied for one of those cool blue parking placards because my impairment borders on being truly fashionably disabled) yet even I know that giant SHOULDER PADS are a NO NO! I understood that I had passed down the faulty fashion gene to my oldest (she too has an unnatural love of camo) but I had hoped the youngest was unaffected. A couple of weeks after the above drawing was made my offspring returned home from a night away wearing blue pants with giant polka dots, a hot pink turtle neck (it was 80 outside!) with her hair in all directions, I honestly expected 10 more midget clowns to pop out of her suitcase. Now I’m coming to grips that both of my offspring are afflicted – I honestly thought they wouldn’t have much risk of this what with having a gay father. I’m looking into some type of program for both of them, the best I’ve found so far is What Not To Wear reruns ever day after school.

Speaking of SCHOOL, Holy Jesus on a pogo stick! It’s almost over! Damn! I keep writing letters to the school board and law makers begging them for year round school. Damn them all, I think I need to change tactics, less begging more threatening. I think maybe a little mafia tactics might work. They could wake up to find offspring in their living room, watching tv, making PB&J samiches on their coffee table and having a tea party with red kool aid while giving their dog a hair cut.

I’ve somewhat come to grips with the fact that we now have CABLE TV. I no longer scream and hide under the table when it’s switched on. In fact I demand the universal remote be turned over to me and only me most of the time as I feel no one else is responsible enough for the awesome power that it holds. That and the fact that 3 other remotes have vanished without a trace in this living room. Not even a batter cover, a stray button, no ransom note, just gone. I refuse to let that happen again. And of course this also prevents other people from doing the most heinous of activities – CHANNEL SURFING! Look at the freaking guide! Don’t flip channels! It is a forbidden activity in my abode, punishable by death or dismemberment… or something like that.

I’m not sure K is all that thrilled about me and cable becoming aquainted, he states that I’m more sarcastic than before! That isn’t possible! I also made him watch What Not To Wear with me, which he didn’t like, I guess there just wasn’t enough gay men talking about fashion on the show (ie Queer Eye).

Well I must go for now, I have to go hyperventilate over daycare before the offspring get home.

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