I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT BITCH!

Less than 12 hours after waking up on my sofa in a pool of my own drool and shaking out the cobwebs from my Benadryl drug binge, I read THIS SHIT ABOUT BRITNEY!!! THIS is a DIRECT affront to ME! Talk about transparent. That trite little whore could have waited a week to make her move, but NOOOOOO she had to do it on the SAME day. Bitch.

I totally understand she feels threatened by me and the strong competition I pose for her. After all I AM unemployed AND I have a gay husband – that is damn strong showing for Ghetto Mamma Of The Year and when you add in that I DO live next door to a *ahem* ‘former gang member’, I truly do have an unfair advantage. I mean what does she have? 2 babies by a deadbeat, unwashed, coat tail riding mimbo with no talent - oh pardon me that's her EX. I know she’s publicly nearly dropped one of her kids and dressed like a retarded trailer park hooker, but come on – I’ve dropped my kids before! I’ve got a complete collection of wife beaters to wear! I can ‘forget’ to wear my panties to the club. DAMN, that’s amateur shit.

It’s fine, if wants a war, then she can have it. I say to Britney – BRING IT HO! I can out ghetto you ANY DAY!

To be honest, it’s just an obviously desperate move by a desperate woman. She LEAVES rehab just hours after finding out about my Benadryl binge, shaves her head and heads to a tattoo parlor. I honestly think the judges should count off for that move – far to desperate and obvious. But in this competition desperate and obvious is almost as good as giving one of the judges a hummer while he snorts coke off your head… which she can do really well now.

I refuse to sink to her level and make sloppy desperate moves, because that kind of shit is just going to land her ass in court appointed rehab which will only end up making her look like a GOOD MOTHER. Just ask Courtney Love about that. My complete outrage by this personal attack has subsided and I’ve had a few moments to formulate a well thought out plan. I’ve been discussing much of this with my Gay Boyfriend Savol for the past few days, so don’t think this is some gut reaction to Ms. Spears actions of late.

Step one – I’ll continue my gang affiliation with my *ahem* ‘former gang member’ neighbor. You have got to love any man who says he’ll answer his door with his ‘cock in one hand and his glock in the other’. Well maybe not love, but RESPECT and as we all know the ghetto is all about RESPECT.

Step two – the gay husband angle seems to work pretty well for this so I think I’ll keep status quo on that.

Step three – employment… or should I say unemployment. Again if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… or employ it. It worked well for K Fed.

Step four – get my already very classy tat enhanced. I’m thinking of getting some lettering added to it. Something profound like “FUK U!” or “I *heart* COCK”. Still working on the exact phrasing. Because just GOING to get a tat doesn’t get one noticed, I plan to take my offspring with me – sort of as an educational field trip, and to hold my 40 when it hurts. My angle is to also show up at said tattoo establishment wearing a really short skirt sans panties and hope for a discount. Again this is will benefit my progeny by illustrating real world business actions in ways that selling Girl Scout cookies never can.

Step five – I need to work on getting a dead beat boyfriend. Some bad ass thug I can refer to as my “baby daddy”. It won’t be entirely true, but who cares. I believe that having two men to refer to as my “baby daddy” can only add to my claim. Connections with above mentioned neighbor should help aquiring one nicely (haven’t had much luck at thugdatinglife.com).

Step six – Don’t get so high/drunk as to actually shave my head. I mean WHAT the fuck was she thinking??? The dyke/lesbian head shaving thing is soooooooo Demi Moore/GI Jane circa 1997 or 1980’s Sinead O’Connor and you know that look did not work for EITHER of them… well, not Demi, but it did sort of work for Sinead, but whatever. It’s used and it’s old and it’s just plain creepy.

As you see I have a VERY strong position and as long as Ms. Spears doesn’t suddenly become BFFs with Courtney Love, this time next year I should be thanking all of you for your kind support as I accept my award of Ghetto Mamma Of The Year.