Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Is Canada Another Planet?

I know I have discussed how my youngest offspring is actually an alien from Copperhead Planet. I’ve started to wonder if by Copperhead Planet she actually meant CANADA. Why do I think this? Well every time she brings me a drink despite the temperature of the liquid in the glass she is brining to me, it NEVER EVER has ice in it. I’ve started asking her if she’s Canadian before requesting ICE in my ICED TEA (which she will usually go back into the kitchen to get for me and bring me a couple of ice cubes clutched in her dirty little hand). Yesterday she brought me a glass of water, set it down on the computer desk and then said, “I’ll go get your ice now” before I could even say anything.

Someone Call PETA!

Sadly the just over a week old Webkin that Cabbage Patch got for her birthday and Super Girl cried about for an hour has been utterly forgotten and totally neglected. I now feel obligated to log on to the Webkinz site a few times a day to make sure that the Sims-esque horse is fed and happy. This is somewhat disturbing and comforting all in the same moment. The horse blows me a kiss when I go see her! How could I not spend an hour playing games to earn enough Webkinz Cash to buy her a pool?!?!?!?!

Political Movement

I’ve decided that I really do need to start a political movement to have YEAR ROUND school. I’ve been a supporter of the notion for quite a while and today when my offspring dusted my living room with FLOUR I was even MORE fired up at the idea. And for the whole 35 minutes that I spent cleaning and vacuuming while lecturing my Tiny Terrorists, I’m use THEY TOO were totally in favor of year round school or anything at all that would have involved them not being in the same room with me or having to hear my voice. Summer vacation sucks. I’m looking for ways to get around those pesky child labor laws so as to keep my offspring occupied for the remaining eternity (seems like it) that summer lasts.

High Score On The Fuck Up Test!

This weekend I got the brilliant idea to get new inter tubes for the Tiny Terrorists bikes (they each had a flat). That was my FIRST mistake! The second was going to Wally World WITH the Tiny Terrorists AND their father. What should have been a quick $6 trip turned into an hour-long $81 trip with much whining – I couldn’t help it, I just wanted to be out of that damn place! The rest that happened was something akin to a Three Stooges skit with only two Stooges and two monkeys wearing pastel colored bike helmets (brand NEW because they HAD to have them despite my argument that they didn’t need helmets since they weren’t yet up to riding more than 10 feet before falling off).

Months ago, I did bike maintenance that was REMARKABLY easy and quick. This gave me an amazing false sense of security in this area. I had no doubt I would be able to replace not just one tire but TWO in less than 20 minutes. Oh how painfully wrong I was. First, I had trouble getting the nuts off Super Girl’s bike to get the damn wheel off. Where in I discovered that we have the LAMEST maintenance man EVER for our townhouses. When asked if he had a wrench or a pair of pliers that I could borrow, his answer was no. What fucking maintenance man doesn’t have a WRENCH??? My dad was a maintenance man for 25 years, it doesn’t matter where you are, if you ask that man for a wrench/screw driver/pliers, he can have them in your hand in less than 5 minutes… but I digress. 30 minutes into this endeavor (after finding another screw driver) I sat on the ground with my hands covered in black stuff while I cursed under my breath and tried to get the inter tube into the tire like I had done before. I called K to help. Suffice to say that an hour later I had threatened to throw both flat tires into the trash and just by new wheels, asked the kids why they didn’t just want skates and done an amazing Fu Manchu impression complete with visuals. By the end of it, neither bike is ride able, both brand NEW inter tubes have been pierced (by both K AND myself) and dinner was really late. I rock.

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