Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Eve Of A Birthday

Cabbage Patch turns 7 tomorrow. Her birthday makes me a wee bit sad. My youngest is not a baby anymore. Yes I know, that's so cliche and 'MOM'. Still, there is a bit of remorse that my baby is really a sassy little kid now.

I'm introspective tonight. The kids are gone and the casa is empty save me and the pets (who aren't very good conversationalist and cheat at cards). I'm not much for television so it's just me and my thoughts. Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking, so much change ahead. All of it good, most of it scary.

Soon I'll be ending my marriage, that's really been over for the past 7 years and really should have been ended 4 years prior to that (what can I say, I don't give up easily).

7 years separated. 7 years in limbo. 4 years in marriage counseling. 4 years of acting like I was happy for the world to see. 4 years of trying to fix something that was irreparable and blaming myself. A lot of self examination and wonder why I can't seem to make these things work, really what is wrong with me... no not the K thing, he's gay, that's no one's fault.

And not it's time to move forward. Alone. Which is frightening and comforting at the same time. I've been alone for a long time just now it'll all be my responsibility. I look forward to that part and again, I'm terrified that I'll fuck up royally. I can't fuck up, too much is riding on it, too many people depending on me.

It's days like these that I do wish I enjoyed just watching mindless television shows just to numb my brain and make it stop thinking. So many whirling thoughts, so much to consider, so many calculations... Damn K for changing his plans at the last minute. The Tiny Terrorists were supposed to be with me tonight but he decided to take them with him... so... nothing to distract me from myself. Alone sucks sometimes.

Ah well, it'll all work out.

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