Ahhhh… A Day Of Rest

As If!

First I apologize to all who rely on the inane crap written here to entertain them whilst they sit at their desk doing their 8. I have not posted today because of CHILDREN. Today, just to drive me to drink, the school district has mandated a day off. That means that Super Girl has been home all day. And it’s just been magical! And my magical I mean homicidal as in it’s come close to driving me to find a clock tower to hang out in with a high powered rifle and a bag full of ammunition. Really. Quite magical.

This is how my day has gone:

6:15 am
Awake suddenly, look at clock and start to curse K for not waking me or the offspring, THEN remember it’s Super Girl’s day off and we can all sleep in. Shove irritating cat off bed and go back to sleep.

7:03 am
Awake suddenly, shove irritating cat off bed and listen intently for sounds of offspring being awake. Snuggle Brad Pittlow and drift off to sleep.

7:45 am
Awake suddenly and listen carefully for child noises. Satisfied they are still snoozing, shove irritating cat off bed and drift off back to sleep.

8:05 am
Knock irritating cat off bed as I roll over to answer the annoying device making noise next to me, i.e. the phone. Have short discussion with D wherein I grunt the affirmation that I AM STILL sleeping, hang up phone (or drop it on the floor, I don’t remember) and drift off to sleep.

8:20 am
Awake suddenly to the sound of shrieking and someone repeating “Noooooooo! The pink one is mine! Nooooooo!” Watch cat deftly jump out of my way as I move to get out of bed (and shove her off the bed) and walk into living room which now looks like a war zone from the Great Barbie Polly Pockets War with two kids in the middle fighting over a pink bowl filled to the brim with Kix cereal. Growl intimidatingly as I kick dolls out of my way to make a path to the kitchen and mumble something to the offspring about them needing to share and how they could have woke me up so I could make their breakfast and that we’d come to a solution so calm down… or something like that, maybe it was just “Holy Gay Jesus on a pogo stick! What the hell happened with these damn dolls?? Stop your yelling, it’s just a bowl. Why didn’t you wake me? Why are there dolls everywhere? Do I need to throw them all away?? Awwww damn it! Why are there Kix all over the damn kitchen? Could you NOT just wake me up? I could have gotten them down off the top shelf with out you climbing them like a damn lemur. You WILL be picking up every damn one of these Kix AFTER you pick up all the damn Polly Pockets and Barbies and My Little Freaking Pony crap. Now here’s the other pink bowl, go sit down and eat breakfast. NOW.”

8:30 am
Threaten the Tiny Terrorist with certain unmentionable horrible things happening to Polly and company if they don’t get it in gear and pick them up NOW.

8:33 am
Curse the school board for deciding today MUST be a vacation day.

8:35 am
Curse school board for not having year round school.

8:36 am
Inform youngest progeny that if she makes that horrific whining noise again will result in liberal amounts of duct tape being applied to her gaping pie hole.

8:37 am
Hide the duct tape as the mention of my duct taping their mouths shut has stirred the Tiny Terrorist into a frenzy of glee and excitement and begging to be the first to get taped. I swear I didn’t smoke crack while pregnant.

8:40 am
Call D and curse her in three different languages for not taking the Tiny Terrorist for the day, or actually just chat for a while, but I did THINK of cursing her.

9:00 am
Referee the 100th fight that morning and repeat threat from 8:30 am.

10:00 am
After the tidal wave of Barbie/Polly Pockets has been cleaned and the vacuum has been run, the Tiny Terrorists are banished to the bath tub! I sentence thee to a BATH! Actually the love baths, I’ve more than once been tempted to let them take 3 or 4 baths a day just to keep the peace. Peace and relative quiet and two very clean children… but oh, the disaster in the bathroom.

11:00 am
The Tiny Terrorists are bathed and dressed and the living room floor is still clean. I’ve taken the very last of my ‘Happy Pills’ and am eyeing the EMERGENCY BOOZE in the fridge. I’m still in my night gown.

11:30 am
We are up to probably 300 fights between the Little People that have had to be referee’d and at least 6542 whines that I have sampled today. Someone SHOOT ME PLEASE!

Noon
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am before serving a nutricious and delicious lunch of crackers with peanut butter and Nutella and bananas with cups of milk (all served on matching plates and cups so as to not have to hear the bitching of this morning).

12:30 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.

1:00 pm
The most magical time of the day! NAP TIME! Down a fifth of Jack and pass out on the couch while the Tiny Terrorists watch their NEW Cinderella DVD for the 10th time today.

3:00 pm
Repeat lunch as snack for newly awakened offspring while mumbling chants that they be GOOD the rest of the day.

3:02 pm
Curse every thing in the world because the damn voodoo chant for ‘Good Children’ didn’t fucking work. Where is that damn duct tape.

4:00 pm
Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.

4:30 pm
Realize with glee that K is off work now and headed home therefore eventually freeing me of my current psychotic state of being.

4:35 pm
Wonder why they don’t sell kid sized kennels. I would so own a couple of those.

4:45 pm
Light candles in preparation for a Polly Pockets bonfire.

5:00 pm
Realize that I’m still in my night gown. Fuck it, the day is gone now. All I need is a 40 in a paper bag, fuzzy slippers and rollers to complete this look.

6:00 pm
Where is K?? Death to him who makes me wait!

6:15 pm
Sanity restored… sort of. K is home. The parenthood responsibilities are foisted on him like an anvil from the top of a cliff. Suck it!

6:30 pm
Damn it, the responsibilities of parenthood are back to me. Fuck that. Repeat the threat of 8:30 am.

7:00 pm
Lick the interior of the bottle of ‘Happy Pills’ and hope that’s JUST ENOUGH. Someone make the SCREAMING STOP!! It BURNS! It BURNS!

7:28 pm
Fuck the diet, I’m eating a cheeseburger for dinner.

7:35
Swallow whole a cheese burger and start surfing internet porn while counting down to 8 pm (Tiny Terrorist bed time).