No Really, He’s Not A Jewish Mother

No one can guilt me quite like my father. I absolutely love but I completely dread his phone calls. And sadly I actively avoid them. (Actually I actively avoid phone calls from MOST of my family, but Dad is at the top of this esteemed list.) And that makes the guilt that much worse. By the time I DO take his phone call or break down and call him, it’s been a year and I realize that I’ve not called him for Father’s day… and his birthday… and the holidays… and that I really, really suck. Though I do have good reasons to NOT call, mostly it’s the GUILT (even when I was a frequent caller, the guilt was laid on pretty thick) and the fact that he can hardly hear me! I know that I speak softly but this man is nearly DEAF! So why call??? (Oh stop glaring at me, when was the last time you talked to your dad?)

This is part of how our last conversation went:

*ring!* *ring!* *ring!*

Me: Hello
Him: Hi Judy…
Me: Hi Daddy!
Him: it’s daddy. I haven’t heard from you in a while...
Me: *cringing from the guilt*
Him: I just thought I’d call and see how everybody was, since you never call…
Me: *shrinking down in chair from guilt* we are find daddy.
Him: What?
Me: *speaking louder* WE ARE FINE DADDY!
Him: Ahhh… okay, well I was just wondering, ‘cuz you never call…
Me: *rolling eyes* Yes, yes, I know. Terribly busy, ya know.
Him: WHAT?
Me: SORRY, BEEN BUSY!
Him: Yeah, yeah, I been busy. Your sister and her husband are getting their own house and moving out the end of this week.
Me: FINALLY! *they’ve lived off my dad for the past 10 years! It’s time they and their evil children moved the fuck out!*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *shouting into the phone* I SAID THAT’S GOOD!
Him: Oh yeah it’s good. About time they got out of my house. I’m disabled after all!...
Me: *snickering as he rambles on*
Him: *after 45 minutes of droning on about the family and his awful wife* So I just wanted to call because you never call.
Me: *ugh! Not the guilt!* Sorry! Sorry about that! I just don’t call because you can never hear me!
Him: WHAT?
Me: *shouting and cupping the phone to muffle any outside noise* I SAID, I DON’T CALL BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER HEAR ME!
Him: Oh, I can hear you fine.
Me: *slamming phone into forehead* I LOVE YOU DADDY!
Him: I love you too baby. Bye-bye.

I love him, but damn it’s exhausting to talk to him. What with all the avoidance I do, the actually CONVERSATION is excruciating. I’d e-mail him but my daddy has a really bad habit of replying to all of my e-mails with “I love you, love daddy”.

Anyway, I should be guilt free from him for at least another 6 months.