Reports Of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated!

Dearest Internet;

How could you leave me? Really HOW? I know I didn’t get you a fancy Valentine or a huge box of chocolates, but you KNOW I love you… I NEED you. You KNOW I need you! In the middle of the night who do I go to when I can’t sleep? First thing in the morning where do I go before even getting coffee? You internet! YOU! And yet you STILL left me.

I was angry at first then sad. Sad and lonely. After my cursing and stomping and checking all the usual places for you, I just lie on the sofa rejected and empty. I couldn’t even move. A whole day and a half. You left me for a whole day and a half! It got to be sort of funny when I’d talk to someone about something and where I’d say “I’ll check the internet” I’d just leave blank and unsaid… a hole in the conversation. A great chasm that just taunted me like your leaving taunted me.

You hurt me internet, you hurt me bad. Things piled up while I pined for you. Yes I TRIED to distract myself, but it was you who I was thinking about.

I called the number I had for you and guess what? I found out you were in a foreign country! I could not believe it! I spoke to a man who said his name was ‘Richard’ but I know that was just bull; he just wanted me to THINK you were still in the US. Punjab ‘Richard’ told me you couldn’t come to the phone and you wouldn’t come back for me. The indignity! I got passed off to someone else who said they could not fix our relationship because it wasn’t MY relationship – they said it was K’s! NO! NO! Not true! I know you are not here for K, you are here for ME! Damn them! Fine. I knew you were just saying that to make me angry. You just wanted your SPACE. Fine. You wanted to make me suffer. You did.

K and I talked when he got home and I explained my anguish and your stubborn refusal to return to me at all, to even talk to me on the phone. He assured me it was a mistake, just a misunderstanding and that he would straighten it out for me. I worried because you were in another country – I could even imagine you sitting on pillows, smoking a hookah and eating the spiciest of curries – I worried that it would take time to get you back. K was sure you’d be back the next day. But I fretted. I went to the store and got a bag of Double Chocolate Hershey’s Kisses for you. It was the least I could do.

True to his word K called and smoothed things over with you. And as soon as you were back here with me I curled up with you for the next two hours and caught up on what had been missed.

I love you internet. Don’t leave me again. I’ll have to hurt you if you do. Don’t leave. Ever.

Love,

Judy

*Ahem* What really happened… My internet went down one day and after waiting on hold and being transferred from person to person, I was finally connected to a man we’ll call ‘Richard’ because that’s what he SAID his name was though I had serious doubts that it really was ‘Richard’ as I heard a distinct Indian accent as he spoke and could almost smell the curry over the phone. ‘Richard’ told me that K would need to call and straighten out the account then transferred me to some twangy woman who brought forth images of huge bleached blond hair sprayed so stiff a tornado couldn’t move it and frosted blue eye shadow circa 1970 – and originally from 1970, and a trailer of which her lovely shrill voice would echo through out as she summoned one of her many offspring to bring her a ‘cold one’. This person was stupid and bitchy and argued with me which made me react with dignity and grace and to tell her to fuck off then call her a cunt. This ended the negotiations until K got home.

K called the next morning and handled things… He didn’t even call anyone a cunt to have it done. No I didn’t lie on the couch and pine for the internet, I did the crap I always do – clean house and fold laundry. But that doesn’t sound as dramatic or interesting – and I had nothing to distract me when the offspring were watching one of the Disney abominations they love to watch. I’m back now, I can read the news and I’m happy. Back to cleaning.