Kosher Gerbil Day

I know I haven’t posted much about Chanukkah this year. I honestly wasn’t much into the holidays until RIGHT before the first night of Chanukkah, then I was pissed because no one else seemed to really be into it enough to help me get my fucking Chanukkah garlands up (you know, the one’s I obsess over) so I had a little temper fit and declared that ALL HOLIDAYS in December were CANCLED. The Tiny Terrorists took no notice of their mentally challenged parental unit. They knew that once their daddy returned from Colorado (where he was that day) that he would once again fill the house with the gayness of the season – he gay after all – and that the holidays would once again be back on.

Well he returned if nothing else. And there is always a certain amount of gayness floating around this house even without holidays, so whatever, the holidays are still happening despite my proclamation.

Prior to K’s trip to Colorado, we discussed GIFTS for the Tiny Terrorists. I always cringe at this time of year. My family has usually showered my offspring with many, many toys and things in the spirit of whatever this gift giving time is. This is GREAT for the progeny, but not so good for me – ME the person who has to CLEAN up all of the FABULOUS TOYS and CRAP that end up littering every square inch of open floor in our living space. I kid you not. EVER SQUARE INCH. Mi casa is too small and mi kiddos are over indulged. So sue me. In the past I’ve sent out emails mid October suggesting that ANYONE feeling the urge to buy ANYTHING for my offspring to think not of TOYS but of books and maybe clothes, but definitely NO TOYS – and that honestly they don’t even have to buy them ANYTHING, and honestly I hoped they would heed that advice. HEED THE ADVICE I SAY! But no. No they didn’t. In years past I’ve been literally overwhelmed when the UPS guy arrived at my door with boxes that took up half of my living room that were full up with kid crap. Crap that my progeny absolutely LOVED, crap that I spend much time cleaning up and putting away. *sigh*

This year my general ambivalence toward the holidays in general left me a bit behind in my e-mailing pleas to NOT SEND MY KIDS ANYTHING. By the time I realized that it was nearing that gift giving time of year (hey I was working on some major denial, I figured if I pretended it wasn’t happening, it wouldn’t!) it was already a week into December. YIKES! The next thing I knew I was picking up a box at the office! I read the return address and CRINGED! My FAMILY! They SENT GIFTS! (or a mail bomb – either way a good reason to cringe.) With trembling hands I opened the box and discovered… GIFT CARDS! They sent my kids GIFT CARDS and an ornament! I LOVE THEM!

But I digress… I got side tracked… that’s how I am (isn’t it easy to understand how I get so freaking lost when driving?!?!?!?!). This is about Kosher Gerbil day. K and I discussed what to get our offspring for gifts. I suggested the PETS that Super Girl has been begging for. (Pets because I couldn’t just get Super Girl a pet and not Cabbage Patch so it would have to be PETS instead of PET). In previous discussions with Super Girl I had narrowed her pet choice to anything that wasn’t a CAT (we have two, we are at the maximum cattage here), or a DOG (I have a time share dog – Coco), was in the mammalian phyla (K doesn’t like reptiles or amphibians – what a bitch) and was SMALL. Which pretty much left the RODENT category. I’m totally down with that, I love my rodents and the offspring love my rodents also. It was decided that I would give the Tiny Terrorists gerbils for Chanukah.

On the first night of Chanukah I told the offspring that they would get one and only one present for Chanukah but it would be a BIG DEAL pressie. They were TOTALLY psyched and immediately started guessing what the BIG DEAL PRESSIE could be – the second guess was “Is it a pet?” Sunday (the third night of Chanukah) we took them to the pet store to select their gerbils. Super Girl got an albino and Cabbage Patch got a little ginger colored one with black eyes. Then it was time to name them. I had told K to remind me that I could not name the rodents since they aren’t MY pets – I would have named them Latke and Matzo (thanks Mystic for those suggestions) and I did suggest it to the progeny – which of course got me a dirty look from K. While in the store Super Girl looked at me and said “I’ll name mine WHITEY.” To which my eyes bugged out of my head and all the air left my lungs as I thought of the reaction my ‘former gang member’ neighbor would have to hearing that. I firmly and politely told her “NO! Absolutely NOT!” and then refused to explain why. She settled on Dragon for hers. Cabbage Patch took a tad longer to decide, at first she said Staph to which I giggled and said what a great name it was (What? My gerbils are Bubonic Plague and Hanta Virus – it fits!), then she said Scrap and finally she came up with Spike.

Sooooo… Kosher Gerbil day was a success. Dragon and Spike are settled in well and the offspring think I ROCK! Until their dad gives them something EVEN BETTER for that other gift giving holiday… you know, that one that involves the tree and the reindeer and that fat guy in a red suit and that baby and all the animals and stuff. I don’t get it, sounds like something inappropriate that people would have to pay money to attend. Whatever, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Happy Chanukah!