Missed My Calling

So my very dear friend A called tonight. This is a rarity as she's so freaking busy with her life that the only uninterupted time she can talk is at work (but that's a bad idea as I make her laugh and then it's OBVIOUS that she's not working (which is what she pretends to do as she surfs the internet and reads this blog - Love ya A!) and that might just get her fired and as a direct result get me murdered in a most horrible way (I know this as she'd probably call me while she was driving over to kill me and ask the most horrible and painful way to kill someone and in my morbid slightly evil enthusiam I would tell her in great detail but I would neglect to ask exactly WHO she wanted to kill until the very end when she would laugh manicaly for a really long time as she walked up to my door and kocked then say YOU! and hang up... and of course I'd open the door and be murdered by my own methods... hmmm? what was I talking about?) or in her car on the way home. (Hey, someone else called me last week while he was driving home for just about the same reason, although I don't think he'd ever try to murder me (Yo, M, speak up now if you do, just fill me in ya know.) so I'm starting to think that people like calling me as they drive for some reason, maybe because it's really easy to get off the phone if I'm being a total fucking bore (I know it's hard to belive, me being boreing *snicker*) you can just say "Whoa! Gotta go I'm about to get a ticket - although I'd ask that they didn't hang up so I could hear them get a ticket. What? I know I'm evil, get over it) So if you are driving home, feel free to call me, apparently I'm much more entertaining than the traffic.)

A and I were catching up on things, her mom is still dead (I'm not being insensitive, it was funny on the phone!), she's still working and she's ALMOST divorced (A, I dedicate this song to you, although I like this one too, but THIS ONE is my FAVORITE (so ignore the other links)) as in all that NEEDS to happen is her scrawny-little-jerk-ass-unemployed-leach-of-a-man-husband... er, um... I mean *gag* *gag* Huuuuusssband needs to sign the papers. So I gave her some valuable advice (Others would call it unsolicited bullshit that should be kept rattling around my empty head, but I like to think it's worth at least the breath I was breathing it as I flew out of my mouth). I suggested she go in her house and say to him "Gonna sign the papers?" then if he says NO casually mention something about getting his lazy deported (it would be easy to get a divorce in abstencia at that point- it's not like he's really fucking been there all these years ANYWAY, so what's the difference???) or maybe alude to being able to kill him, ya know, with out a body, he'd just be a missing person.

She was laughing very hard and mentioned that I had missed my calling, I quickly said "Marriage counselor?" as I KNOW that's what she meant. I mean what the hell, I'm practically an expert on disfunctional marriages (married to a gay man, 'member) and hell I've been through 4 years of counseling for the marriage, so that practically gives me a degree in counseling! (I could use my years of my own personal counseling for my own personal crazies as credit for a masters - really) My other sage advice that spewed forth was that if he STILL didn't want to sign to start being creepy, like when she pours the carpet freshener on the carpet before vaccuuming to pour it into a pentagram or runes or something, write his name in ketchup on the meatloaf - make it look like it's in blood and leave a knife in the center, anxiously ask him if the drink she just brought him tastes funny then say no reason when he asks WHY and walk away snickering (tis great fun to make someone THINK you are poisoning even when you aren't - hey, stop looking at me, I already admitted I AM EVIL).

Anyway, in all the laughing she was doing as I was advising (I take that as a good sign, laughter means agreement) I forgot to tell her that when the Big D happens we need to have a party or a drunken night out. That will be something to CELEBRATE! Whoohoo! Petey you up for a little drunken debauchery?

*Note: Don't even think of mentioning all the misspellings, etc. I've got a BRAIN FEVER (which is different than a BRIAN FEVER, which is what I wrote first, I belive that involves watching too much of Python's 'Life Of Brian' (which I love because I am Evil... I mean a Jew, because I'm a Jew)). It's cool K just got me something for my ailment - Tylenol PM or asprin or roofies, not sure.