Too Much Whine These Days… Need To Switch To Tequila

Today is the end of the first week of school. It’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times… what a fucking lie… it’s been a big pain in my ample derrière. EVERY MORNING has been filled with the melodious sound of WHINEING and ARGUEING! One morning it was about wearing the shiny shoes and not the tennis shoes, another it was over SOCKS, then there was the JEANS incident, the refusal of breakfast and finally this morning was a Hodge podge of signed papers, lunch money, hair styles, shoes and change. I swear by the time I get them off to school I’m ready to go back to bed! Or drink a lot, whatever.

This is how the week ran down so far:

MONDAY: First day of school, both progeny were dressed for school before even leaving their room. They wore matching outfits of their own choosing. Oh how cute. Then the whining started. OH THE WHINING HOW IT MADE MY HEAD ACHE! I blocked out whatever it was they were whining about, it was self preservation, my sanity was at risk. We took the offspring to school and walked them to class. My overwhelming urge to run through fields of flowers to celebrate my freedom (7:45 am until 3:50 pm M-F) was crushed by the urge to bust into tears and clutch my last born to me as the realization that my baby is going to school struck like a bullet from a drive-by shooting. I didn’t though. I sniffled and blinked a lot as she waved at me and turned happily to play with Play-Dough. REPLACED BY A CLUMP OF COLORFUL CLAY! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Whatever. The rest of the day was to be calm and peaceful, filled with creative and useful activities but it WASN’T. I had to take K to work so I could fetch the offspring from school so that meant a nice long sweaty drive in the Easy Bake Oven. Rah! Rah! Rah! What fun. We’ll just skip the rest of the day because it was just THAT MUCH FUN (and my therapist says that reliving the traumas only prolongs my recovery). Suffice to say that it was a much less PEACEFUL and RELAXING day than I had anticipated.

TUESDAY: The FIRST day was so much FUN, why not do it AGAIN?? Another day of matching outfits of their own choosing – the cuteness was enough to make one gag. This morning brought the FUN of fighting over breakfast and the refusal to eat. Fine! Today was the first day of riding the BUS to school. The excitement was overwhelming. The got on the bus hand in hand, big sister helping little sister learn the ropes. It was so fucking cute that my head nearly exploded. Then I came back home and took a nap. Midday K has to come home so I can get the car – the offspring have vet appointments today. This involves me driving him back to work. In the 107 degree heat. The Easy Bake Oven was going to be busy! I grabbed my recipe book and headed out to take him to work, come back home, pick up kids and head to dr. office. Sounds easy right? Not so much. The dropping off of K was easy, but HOT. I stopped back at him briefly to pick up the insurance card and stuff some cloves of garlic in my pockets since I’d soon be cooking. Off to pick up the progeny from educational facility which for some damn reason took 10 minutes for them to get from class to the office. Now we are running late. Everyone in the Easy Bake! Set the timer! We are off… to sit in TRAFFIC! At 3 pm on a Tuesday! Don’t these people know that if the Easy Bake isn’t going at least 40 mph we don’t just sweat in there, we all begin to cook like chickens??? Finally we are moving and it appears we’ll only be a few minutes late to the Dr. office. Except that I can’t remember which building the office is in so we spend 10 minutes with me driving around three different buildings looking for right one, ensuring that we are all covered in sweat and in a truly delightful mood. Ah AND I forgot the shot records! So we are 30 minutes late, I forgot the shot records and we look like sweaty migrant workers. They tell us to come on back anyway. The progeny check out fine, until… The Dr. looks in Cabbage Patch’s ear and says “What’s that? I think there is something in there.” I’m all “WHAT? Tell me no.” and he’s all “Sorry mom, but I see something green.” SO the Dr. has to pull the little green BEAD out of her ear and I’m thinking “At least it’s not a snail like what Super Girl did.” One shot for the kid later, we are ready to leave. Back home, met up to get some sewing stuff and a HUGE Dr. Pepper then off to pick up K from work. Now… it was a very hot day and I had been in the Easy Bake way past my cooking time. A HUGE Dr. Pepper is really NOT the best choice of beverages to dehydrate with… at least for me. I got K and started feeling sick. Stomach cramps and the urge to hurl. I keep telling K that I’m fine all the while wondering if barfing in the empty cup in the cup holder would ruin that Family FUN time we were all having. No matter, I didn’t barf, we got home and really I should have doubled up on my Prozac for that day.

WEDNESDAY: I woke mumbling something about not going near the Easy Bake that day, then got the joy of arguing with an offspring about CLOTHES. Apparently only one of my progeny can actually MATCH their clothing – which is surprising being that their father is GAY. One would think they would both be born with an superior sense of fashion. Not so, not so. This ended with me threatening to make her wear jeans from LAST year all next week if she didn’t change into the pants that matched. It worked and I’m not sure what is more disturbing, that she was actually appalled by the thought of LAST YEARS JEANS or that I would actually make a THREAT like that!

THURSDAY: Ahhh the day of the GREAT SOCK DEBATE! 20 minutes of arguing about who’s socks they were and the stubborn refusal to even go upstairs and find the OTHER pack of socks because she was right and it didn’t matter what I said or the fact that the socks were TINY, she was right. *sigh* as if that wasn’t exciting enough the SHINY SHOE argument started right after, but ended with me just saying “Fine, fine, just wear them. You have to go catch the bus.” Seems that Cabbage Patch feels that her education is occasion enough to wear shiny black Mary Jane’s (click-clack shoes) everyday. Whatever, just go to school!

FRIDAY: Despite my doubling my Prozac and hitting the bottle first thing in the morning I could still hear the voices in my head, the horrible, frightening, whiny voices in my head (of my progeny). Today Super Girl was whining about her poison ivy rash (damn that child is a magnet for it!) and how it iches, yadda, yadda, yadda. Cabbage Patch was back to arguing about SHOES! Yes she wore the most fabulous shiny black Mary Jane’s again but today she knew that she needed to take a pair of her tennis shoes with her for PE and that is where we ran into trouble. NO she can’t take her brand new white and pink light up tennis shoes that have Velcro fasteners (gag), she wants to take her white and blue tennis shoes with blue laces… that she doesn’t know how to tie! I tried to explain that if she wanted the blue and white ones, she’d need to put them on now so I could tie them since she can’t TIE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! There was no way in hell those shiny black Mary Jane’s were coming off her feet this morning baring me setting them on fire and prying them off of her. Finally it was to late to argue and I said “Just put some tennis shoes in your damn back pack before you miss the damn bus!” and I was thinking ‘And end up staying home driving me MAD! Just go to school! Someone can tie the damn shoes for you!’

And so they left. And it is quiet. And quiet is good. 3 more hours of quiet.

ALSO: I’ve already gotten two calls from Super Girls teacher this week – one for bus information because little Miss Know It All was telling the teacher contradictory information as to what I had already told the teacher. And one (today) in regards to her poison ivy rash. Cabbage Patch had two stellar days of school then came home with a note from the teacher saying that she had talked all day long and hadn’t listened. *sigh* it’s genetic I fear.

Oh well, I have 3 hours left to actually get a few things done. It’s so quiet right now. Ahhhhhhh…. I’m having a Zen moment (don’t call me bitches and ruin this for me!).