Because Hating One’s Mother Is Not Instinct Until 13, I Do What I Can
My offspring HATE me right now. Well let me correct that. My youngest progeny (you know, the alien being from Copper Head) HATES me right now. And WHY you may be (or probably are not) asking at this very moment (the moment right before you realize you have wasted at least 3 very important moments of your very important life reading this brain damage causing crap I expel on this site)? Because of a HAMBURGER. A hamburger I made in my own (in much need of a good floor cleaning) kitchen by my own (very much stained by cake icing) hands. You see, my crime was in making four hamburgers and not three hamburgers. Since the other contributor to their DNA is out tonight (enjoying a childfree night with his beloved), there was no one else to eat the third (rather puny looking) hamburger and there in lies the problem. The oldest of those expelled from my womb laid claim to the hamburger before the youngest could call dibs. Now we all must suffer for that indignity.
The smallest of the Tiny Terrorist began a campaign to let me (and everyone else within earshot) know of her displeasure at the injustice that is an older sister claiming the last tiny little pathetic hamburger. Not even the offering of a COOKIE would pacify her rage. A COOKIE!! She TURNED DOWN a COOKIE!!! She truly is NOT my offspring. After a full 5 minutes of her screaming of the insult of being denied the last HAMBURGER, I did the only thing I could do (and no it did not involve a roll of duct tape), I said “Shut up! Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed!” and subsequent appeals from her were met with a hasty “Shut it now! Get on to bed!”
As I type this, it has been a good 20 minutes since they headed upstairs to bed and she just now stopped kicking the bed frame. She broke it, fell out of bed or just decided it was pointless. Whatever, it’s quiet. I’m happy. In 10 years, she can bring this up again as illustration of what a horrible, uncaring mother I am for denying her that hamburger, and then she’ll storm off to her room and slam the door. Either that or she will have decided to move back to Copper Head Planet. I am so going to charge her alien parents back child support when I find them!