Cupcake Update

Yes I still LOVE my job. I’m actually decorating cakes all by myself. It’s fabulous. I now smell like butter cream frosting all the time. And best of all – It’s soooo much fun! I put cute little gold fish on a cake yesterday and big funky 70’s flowers on another. I’m always scoping out the cakes at other stores to see what I can copy.

Another great thing about this job is the people I work with. My supervisor is very sweet and the other cake decorator is just a breath of fresh air. The other ladies in the bakery are really sweet also. It’s odd to suddenly be the youngest person working in my department.

Terror Update!

The Tiny Terrorists are on their scheduled invasion of the World of Mouse. Yesterday was an anxious one for me as this is the first time my offspring will be so far from me for such a long period of time. AND it was their first airplane ride. Luckily for me their Tiny Terrorist status didn’t hold them up from boarding the airplane. Just after 7 am I got a phone call from both progeny letting me know they were on the airplane. It was incredibly cute and put my anxieties into high gear and on a time table. I spent the rest of the day looking at the clock thinking about when they would arrive in Florida and waiting for the “We’ve arrived!” phone call. This made everything FUN, FUN, FUN as I was totally off my game and screwed up labeling a bunch of cakes and had to re-do all that.

Last night’s check in was barely coherent due to their overwhelming exuberance. All I could comprehend was “Princess, rides, fireworks, mouse”. So all in all it sounds like a good trip!

As for me, I’ll be spending this time minus progeny either working, cleaning or working out child care for when they return. Cue anxiety attack!

Other Crap…

The only drawback to the new job is that it’s causing the carpal tunnel in my right wrist to act up. Due to that, I probably won’t be on the computer much in the near future until I get used to the job – thank goodness I have cable to waste time with. ;)

Speaking of cable and my obsessive possessiveness of the remote. I lost the remote yesterday! Damn it. I can’t even blame it on the offspring or K as I was home with the pets when the remote went missing. The worst part is that I now have to admit that I to am irresponsible with the remote and I have to climb down off my holier-than-though-high-horse. I am FLAWED! Feet of clay be damned! I think I need to invest in a chain to attach the remote to the television, kind of like the pen chains they have at banks.

And Now Something To Induce Vomiting!

I’m going to talk about sickeningly sweet things my kids have said. You may want to stop reading if you are diabetic or have a weak stomach.

Last week I was looking at pictures of cats and dogs on the internet with Cabbage Patch (she loves StuffOnMyCat.com), when she sees a photo of a Shar-Pei and says “Awww I like the ruffle dog!”

Seems my oldest offspring, Super Girl, who had no problem telling the therapist that she likes her daddy more than me, was rather anxious about her trip to the Mouse Kingdome and began crying yesterday morning before boarding the airplane wanting to know if mommy could go with them and couldn’t they wait for her (me). Awwww!

And So It Begins…

I WORKED today! I went to WORK and clocked in and did WORK that I’ll get this amazing thing called a PAY CHECK for! And guess what? I LOVE my job! No really I LOVE it. I LOVE it enough to marry it, except it’s not a person so I can’t! But maybe I’ll think about it while I masturbate… though that might be a bit on the perverse side… I still might, though more likely I’ll just fantasize about how it’ll just snuggle me at night as I fall asleep with my head on it… or not. But I digress (as always).

I decorated CAKES today! Yes, yes I did! I thought this would all be just training and watching and maybe getting bored and having to sweep floors and wipe counters, but NO it was actually ME decorating CAKES! CAKES people ordered and paid for! I picked up how to do things pretty quickly and that’s a FABULOUS thing. I actually completely decorated two cakes all on my own! TWO! All by myself! AND I now know how to make a tres leches cake and I now know why it is that I get ill from eating that! MILK! Times 3! Who knew with a name like tres leches?!?!?! I made it and decorated that cake and it looked awesome.

I also worked an extra 2 hours, the time flew by soooo quick I almost didn’t even notice I had worked 7 hours straight without a break. It was so amazing, I was having so much fun! And I didn’t even mind the many many times my hands were blue and looked like they were afflicted with a strange Smurf disease. I go back to work at 8 am tomorrow and I’m sooooooooo excited to go back! And best of all – I get PAID to do this!

Frightening Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

Enjoy the photo of a drawing my youngest Tiny Terrorist made for her Aunt D. I am not sure how it is possible that this wee progeny of mine can fail kindergarten but she can spell jihad correctly. I’m mildly disturbed by this, I’m even more disturbed by the drawing of my sister… with giant SOULDER PADS! I’m desperately fashionably impaired (I’ve even applied for one of those cool blue parking placards because my impairment borders on being truly fashionably disabled) yet even I know that giant SHOULDER PADS are a NO NO! I understood that I had passed down the faulty fashion gene to my oldest (she too has an unnatural love of camo) but I had hoped the youngest was unaffected. A couple of weeks after the above drawing was made my offspring returned home from a night away wearing blue pants with giant polka dots, a hot pink turtle neck (it was 80 outside!) with her hair in all directions, I honestly expected 10 more midget clowns to pop out of her suitcase. Now I’m coming to grips that both of my offspring are afflicted – I honestly thought they wouldn’t have much risk of this what with having a gay father. I’m looking into some type of program for both of them, the best I’ve found so far is What Not To Wear reruns ever day after school.

Speaking of SCHOOL, Holy Jesus on a pogo stick! It’s almost over! Damn! I keep writing letters to the school board and law makers begging them for year round school. Damn them all, I think I need to change tactics, less begging more threatening. I think maybe a little mafia tactics might work. They could wake up to find offspring in their living room, watching tv, making PB&J samiches on their coffee table and having a tea party with red kool aid while giving their dog a hair cut.

I’ve somewhat come to grips with the fact that we now have CABLE TV. I no longer scream and hide under the table when it’s switched on. In fact I demand the universal remote be turned over to me and only me most of the time as I feel no one else is responsible enough for the awesome power that it holds. That and the fact that 3 other remotes have vanished without a trace in this living room. Not even a batter cover, a stray button, no ransom note, just gone. I refuse to let that happen again. And of course this also prevents other people from doing the most heinous of activities – CHANNEL SURFING! Look at the freaking guide! Don’t flip channels! It is a forbidden activity in my abode, punishable by death or dismemberment… or something like that.

I’m not sure K is all that thrilled about me and cable becoming aquainted, he states that I’m more sarcastic than before! That isn’t possible! I also made him watch What Not To Wear with me, which he didn’t like, I guess there just wasn’t enough gay men talking about fashion on the show (ie Queer Eye).

Well I must go for now, I have to go hyperventilate over daycare before the offspring get home.

Employment Happens, Cue Anxiety Attack

Yes, yes it is true. I am EMPLOYED again. It’s exciting… to me anyway. I am going to be trained as a CAKE DECORATOR! Which is completely amazing and fabulous and for anyone who knows my love of CAKE (frosting), it’s a PERFECT MATCH for me! Woohoo! Just call me Cupcake from now on!

Anyway, I went for my drug test on Thursday and was quite surprised when they took a HAIR sample instead of a URINE sample. I spent all day Wednesday drinking water and practicing peeing in a cup for nothing! Well not really, I spent most of Wednesday on the couch feeling sick, but hey, that’s what happens when I drink a MILK shake! Have I mentioned that I’m LACTOSE INTOLERANT?? I have, well why the hell do I keep forgetting that? Whatever, MOVING ON… I go fill out the rest of my paper work today – pending the results of my drug test (thank goodness I gave up my expensive cocaine habit about the same time I gave up the Members Only jackets, Miami Vice and parachute pants) – and go for orientation Tuesday evening. YAY! I have a JOB!

Shortly after the realization of that fabulous fact, I needed to sit down, breath into a paper bag and put my head between my legs. Not so much because I’m finally employed again, but because I realized that now that the Little People’s summer break is quickly approaching that I would need to find DAY CARE for them. (Hold on a sec, the air has once again been sucked from the room, feeling dizzy… no worries… it’ll pass). The last day of school for them is the day AFTER Memorial Day (WTF? Why make them go BACK after the holiday???). Until the end of school, my neighbor has said he is more than willing to watch the girls after school while I work, then two weeks after school the offspring will be in the Kid Nirvana with D. Therefore, I have THAT much time to find affordable DAY CARE, which is well, nearly impossible. Thursday evening I spent many hours on the internet searching my options, fretting over the cost, and doing complicated math problems I thought I had left far behind when I finally passed college algebra.
REGISTRATION COST + EXTRA STUFF FEES = $$$ NEEDED TO GET THEM IN
WEEKLY FEES X NUMBER OF OFFSPRING = ALL OF MY CHECK + SOME MONEY I PULL OUT OF MY ASS

Thursday night I slept very little due to the DAY CARE induced anxiety attacks. Luckily, I was lying down so there was no danger of me passing out and banging my head on something hard… like a cat.

As luck would have it, Super Girl brought home a flyer for the Boys & Girls Club for their Summer Camp program and I was SHOCKED to see that it is actually AFFORDABLE. Well the weekly fee is affordable. The REGISTRATION is the cost of the weekly fee + membership fees for both progeny. It is a little high, but the weekly cost isn’t so high so it works out… or so I think. I was never good with math. Numbers BURN!

However, it means that there is no way in hell I can go to faire final weekend. Just cannot happen. All the money I will be making will need to go towards registration and the first week of DAY CARE. IN ADDITION, well I will probably have to work that weekend so… *sniff* no faire! I will live, it’s all worth it – the job will be incredibly cool.

PS - please note my most impressive use of ALL CAPS. I know, I amaze even myself. ;)

Playing Catch Up

So let’s see…where to start…. Mother’s Day. Okay Mother’s Day just passed. For a couple of weeks prior to the big day, the offspring would ask me if I wanted DIAMONDS every time they saw a Kay’s Jewelry commercial (damn K for getting CABLE! More on that later.) this would both amuse me and disturb me. Damn those commercials! Saturday K and the wee people went to a baseball game (YAWN!) with K’s boyfriend then spent the night at his house. So I had utter peace and quiet that evening. And nothing to do. No matter, I sat on the couch, painted my nails and watched What Not To Wear so many times I started to have a panic attack when I looked at my camo Capri pants.

Sunday rolled around and I did something I haven’t been able to do in many many years. I slept in. I slept in really late. I even got up, made a piece of toast and went BACK TO BED!!! It was AWESOME. Only the cats tried to wake me that morning and I just shoved them off the bed. Though I was enjoying the silence, I was starting to miss the family by lunchtime… It was my day for them to be my SERVANTS and my SERVANTS were not there to SERVE ME! Luckily, K was headed home with the progeny to take me out for a delightful Mexican lunch, which was good because I was really tired of eating toast.

Lunch was fabulous; the best part being dessert of the people shaped sopapias – sopapeople. Which look more than just a little bit like voodoo dolls (which is why I HAD to order them). When my adorable little Tiny Terrorists got their sopapeople, they did the cutest thing! They started quoting CSI and pretending they were doing autopsies! It melted my heart. However, discussing taking out vital organs seemed to displease the table next to us. How was I to know they weren’t big fans of CSI?

We topped off the day by going to the store to buy ME some art supplies and ME reminding the offspring that it was all about ME and they had to SERVE ME for the day. (Can you believe they thought that was utter bullcrap and REBELED against the suggestion?!?!?!?! Talk about ungrateful!) All in all it was a most fabulous Mother’s Day!

PS – I got a steak dinner also!

Sarcasm At Such A Young Age! I’m So Proud!

Just yesterday, I’m in WallyWorld with D and the Little People. As we shop, we discuss their impending trip to Child Nirvana AKA Disney World and how they must not wander off in the park, yadda, yadda, yadda. I then say to Super Girl, "What would I do if you were gone?" to which she answered me totally deadpan “Adopt.” D and I stopped in our tracks, as we were at once over come with hilarity that we had to hide from the offspring and with utter pride at her perfect delivery of such a sarcastic answer. That was such a fabulous line that I completely forgive her for being utterly menopausal yesterday – I really gotta find her chewable estrogen, these mood swings are hell.

And I Thought Therapy Would Start Later in Life

Yesterday I took Super Girl to a child psychologist. This is our first step in getting her tested for her ADD. I have to say I believe it went rather well, she hasn’t started to blame me for all her issues yet even though she did tell the psychologist that her dad was the parent she got along with better while I was sitting right next to her! I was shocked by her utter honestly at that moment and she earned my respect as I would never have said that with one of my parents sitting next to me – my need for approval was far to great for me to have ever uttered anything that would earn me the ire of either of my parents. She has another session next week then he’ll set up testing. Hopefully things will go well.

The Job Situation…

Still unemployed. I THINK I’m getting closer to having a steady paycheck. Still looking.

Thanks for all your kind words and support – It’s helped keep me from drinking 7 bottles of Boone’s Farm a day… well not really, my lack of $$ has kept that from happening. Sadly I’ve not yet been able to shake my responsibility to the offspring and I continue to fritter away my money on stupid things like food for them. But your support has helped! And your job leads have been encouraging! And the antidepressants have been entertaining! What? You didn’t send those? Hmmmm… wonder who did and how I could get so luck??

Off to do worky-lookey stuff! Happy thoughts! Send the HAPPY THOUGHTS!! ( Or money)

Answer this, bitches.

Make my inner animal external. Don't be a smartass.

No Point Of Reference

Recently I’ve been attempting to teach my offspring to ride a bike. Let me just say it right now, I have no freaking clue what I’m doing. I have no point of reference at all because I don’t know how to ride a bike. I know it’s hard to believe as learning to ride a bike seems to be a rite of childhood, but honestly, it never happened for me. I want to know how to ride a bike, I just don’t and now that I’m 35 I’m not sure I’m really up to falling off a bike and the embarrassment that ensues (i.e. I’m a big pussy). But I digress (as usual), I’ve done bike maintenance (aired up tires, replaced a tire tube and oiled chains) and now I’m kind of not sure what the hell I’m doing. So far, I’m running along side my progeny, holding them steady then suddenly letting go and watching them fall over. Which to be honest seems like a big nasty life lesson in trust and all that crap more than anything else. I’m not sure my kids are learning much more than that the ground really hurts when you fall onto it and sometimes you bleed, but they seem to be up for more, so whatever. Eventually they’ll either learn to ride or get tired of falling over.

This past weekend was crazy. Instead of my usual paying gig of watching Coco the colorful pooch, I got to watch Coco and Coco’s brother Alec (who looks nothing like Coco, but more like a big ass rottie German shepherd mix) at Alec’s daddy’s house. Therefore, I was gone ALL weekend long. The Little People were thrilled as this casa has a pool and a hot tub (which was totally necessary as the pool was really COLD, so they’d swim in the pool for a bit, then jump in the hot tub to warm up and back to the pool ad nauseam). It seems like it would be fantastically exciting to be spending the weekend in a big ass house with a pool and hot tub and endless channels of television to watch and wireless internet. However, it wasn’t. The pool got boring after a bit. There is only so much ‘keep away’ one can play with one’s progeny. The cable got boring right away and K and I only had one computer between us so we both tried to limit our own computer usage so as to be courteous to the other. And most of the time I was there I was thinking of the millions of things I needed to be doing back at my house that weren’t getting done because the cats just don’t do ANYTHING at all. It was somewhat stressful. But what do I know; I might have had more fun if I’d just drank heavily.

Moreover, on to other things…

Cabbage Patch has distinguished herself by being able to fail kindergarten. We just got her final progress report that basically says that she’s failing EVERYTHING and they suggest summer school. K and I have discussed this and we are opting to not put her in summer school and just have her repeat kindergarten. When I enrolled her in kindergarten, I wondered if I was putting her in to early as she is a July birthday and now it seems as though I have my confirmation that I should have waited. Even though I know this, I can’t help but feel like an enormous failure as a mother in this department. Yay me.

And to add to that failure in the motherhood department, Super Girl is having issues with school also. This is the most frustrating part ever. Super Girl’s teacher has been telling us that she knows the information but that she isn’t doing well on the tests. What the hell can you do? She HAS to pass the tests to pass 2nd grade. When we go over the flash cards with her, she knows it. She knows the math problems, she knows the words, and she can read well. She’s still failing the tests. Part of the problem is the way the tests are being administered. The math portion is done on the computer where the child is shown the screen with the math problem (8+1=) and they have to verbally answer in 3 seconds. There in lies the problem, the three seconds. When she gets to one she has to think about (8+7=) she takes longer than 3 seconds, then she ends up missing the next 2 because she’s trying to catch up. *sigh* I’m going to call the teacher and see what can be done about this, if she can just take the test in written form.

This whole school year has been rather disappointing and frustrating for me, as there seems to be a great lack of communication from the teachers as to what and how the progeny have been doing academically. So there, one child is definitely failing and the other is teetering on the edge – I think I definitely have the up on Britney Spears in this Ghetto Mother Of The Year Award and I didn’t even have to get one of them addicted to crack.

Finally…

I’ve been spending most of my time applying for jobs, washing clothes, cleaning my kitchen and being depressed. Some days I spend more of my time being depressed than anything else and those are the days that I generally don’t do the washing of clothes or cleaning of the kitchen and spend a lot of time just sleeping to make the day end faster. The past year and a half has been rather depressing but fuck, until a couple of months ago, I didn’t have the overwhelming urge to spend 12-14 hours a day sleeping.

I’ve never been unemployed for this long and quite frankly, it’s horrible. I’ve worked since I was 15 and worked full time since I graduated high school – even when I was in college. I never realized how much of my worth was tied to getting a paycheck until now. I honestly feel somewhat useless and worthless because I’m not getting a paycheck. This of course makes me full of self-doubt and devoid of motivation. It’s bad enough that I procrastinate but now I feel absolutely anxious when I want to do something because I’m terrified it won’t be good enough. I’ve always been somewhat doubtful about my own talents – I never really got many ‘at-a-boys’ growing up or much in the way of encouragement, but now, well I’m just paralyzed by it. I’m disappointed in myself, I feel like I should be able to snap out of this but I can’t seem to. I know I’ve disappointed a lot of people, join the club, I’m sure there are jackets by now. I’m sorry, I’m not a very good friend right now and I honestly don’t expect people to understand or anything like that. Therefore, if I’ve let you down and angered you, I completely understand and wouldn’t expect you to feel any other way. I’m sorry, I can’t change how I’ve been and though I’d like to promise you that I’ll wake up tomorrow and things will be wonderful and I’ll be able to fulfill my obligations and promises, I just can’t make that promise, I very well make wake up tomorrow and have the urge to go back to sleep for another 5 hours. I lead a glamorous life, don’t I?

On a brighter note, I have had two pretty decent job leads come up today and tomorrow I’m going to apply for a few jobs. Blah, that’s it for now. Send well wishes… and Prozac… and money… kidding, kidding, just send Prozac. ;)

Ahhhh The First Sign Of Spring! Poison Ivy!

As many of you know (and most of you don’t care) the town house I currently reside in is situated right next to a creek and it’s absolutely beautiful when things start to bloom. As the years have pass that I have lived here I’ve realized that the beauty is but a veneer to it’s true nature, the beautiful leaves and flowers hide the hideously large amounts of poison ivy twining up the trees and creeping along the ground (in a few weeks I’ll take a photo of the absolutely stunning patch of poison ivy that completely chokes out everything and carpets the floor in this one are of the ‘woods’). My progeny are forbidden from going into the wooded area for many reasons but for this really BIG one as Super Girl is SUPER sensitive to poison ivy (last spring she missed 3 days of school for a particularly nasty poison ivy rash that caused her to do a spot on impression of The Elephant Man).

This spring the allure of the woods calls all the children to creep through them down to the creek to get filthy. I am a mother, I am devoid of all fun (according to those I gave birth to) and my sole purpose is to crush all fun to be had by anyone under the age of 10 (again this is according to the two I have birthed). For the past couple of months my offspring have been playing Russian Roulette with the wooded area, they continue to venture into it with their friends and I continue to catch them and ground them – but my wrath isn’t what they are playing with, it’s the poison ivy. Up until now it hadn’t taken it’s usual strangle hold on the wooded area and wasn’t covering nearly every inch of ground so they’ve managed to come out of the woods with only the wrath of their angry and humorless mother. Earlier this week I noticed three relatively small rashes on Super Girl. AND much to my surprise, Cabbage Patch has a rash on her wrist! This was the child I thought WASN’T reactive! So… it’s spring and it’s itchy. Time to stock up on Calamine lotion and Aveno Bath’s.

Oh The Madness!

Today is “drag your kid to work and screw off half the day keeping them occupied day” or something like that. Currently the offspring are at work with K and could be more amused if you came up behind me and tickled me with a feather.

Today started remarkably well and cheerful! As I got up this morning I was greeted with the happy voice of my oldest progeny wishing me a good morning. I asked her to go upstairs and wake her sister and was told that she was on the couch. I walked into the living room expecting to see Cabbage Patch in her usual state – being partial eaten by the couch, but instead found a smiling child sitting on the couch. If it wasn’t so enjoyable it would have been CREEPY. (Please, please, aliens who replaced my offspring with pod children please don’t change anything!)

Then they got dressed, they took great care to choose the perfect outfit to wear. Super Girl obsessed over finding MATCHING SHOES to go with her all black ensemble. My suggestion of just wearing her pink sandals was met with such harsh disapproval I wondered if she was channeling Mr. Blackwell.

Next we fixed hair. Cabbage Patch opted for adorable today with the Cindy Brady Curled Pigtail look, accessorized with rhinestone barrettes and matching bracelet and she was good to go. Super Girl with for a more elegant look for her all black outfit. Long straight hair with rhinestone barrettes and matching bracelet as well. We moved on to the NEXT step in this process – nails. The progeny insisted they have a fresh manicure prior to leaving. Blue nails for Cabbage Patch and black for Super Girl.

I don’t think they were this particular when they went to the Daddy Daughter Dance in February. I think due to their overwhelming enthusiasm for going to work with daddy, I may message K and tell him to get the offspring applications to work there!

Anyway, a text message from K just updated me that things are going swimmingly there and that the offspring are being angelic and super cute. We’ll see what happens after lunch when the last 4 hours of the day are “Observe parent working”. I give it until 1:15 pm when the ethereal patina wears off and the whining starts. I’m ever so thankful to be home by myself with the kitties.

I Is Purples All Over

Ash is so funny! She put this on the comments of my MySpace page.


She's so crazy, it's fabulous! For more Lolcat fun, go check out I Can Has Cheeseburger? I'm completly addicted to that site! It's even better than Stuff On My Cat or Stuff On My Mutt and definitly funnier than Cute Overload (which is motly just terribly cute and not really HAHAHA.

Currently it's POURING outside. Which is wonderful. I don't have to watter my plants! The wee people woke up happy for the SECOND day in a row - is Armagedon right around the corner? - I wonder if it's from their sparkling clean room* or from the knowledge that their father is taking them to work with them on Friday for "Take your kid to work day". That man is BRAVE to take BOTH of them to work with him. His workplace has half a day of activites planned for them and then the kids get to OBSERVER as their parent WORKS from 1-5 pm. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whatever! That will be the most unproductive day EVER. I remember when I worked as a secretary and my bosses would bring their kids to work for that day - I would always have the kids parked with ME for several hours of me entertaining them and playing games on the computer with them before their parents called it a day shortly after lunch because they couldn't get shit done because their kid kept going into their office ever 15 minutes to ask a question or get something or look pitiful and ask to go to McDonalds. I can't wait to hear of the joy of this day for K.

On to other things...

Still searching for a job, still broke and still missing faire and sad about it. I haven't been at faire at all this year and it's just tragic. I want to go soooooo much but I just CAN'T. I've had several offers from darling friends for them to give me rides or pay my way in, but I've refused them all - I would still be a broke dick and I'm just not going to be a leach to my friends. I love you, I miss you all, I'm going to come out at the very least Memorial Day Weekend to have much merriment. Everyone, have a drink at faire for me.

Shitty Sunday

Well first off, I didn’t get the job. *sigh* That kind of soured the day for a while. D came over to fetch Coco and we decided that her most recent dye job of Cotton Candy Pink was far to light so we set off to buy dog dye of a different color. Shopping, talking, having a bit of time away from the offspring and buying dog dye – things were going pretty well.

THEN when I get home there’s a message from the guy I was to have a date with tonight – he bailed on me for the second time. The first time was Friday when he had a terrible migraine. Tonight it was because he said he had dinner with his ex last night and that they decided to ‘give it another try’. Hmmmm… and last night he was telling me that he was going to bed early because he still had that migraine. *eyes rolling up in head* So let’s see… Since January I’ve been rejected because I have kids, because I have cats and now for the ex. I’m on a roll. Eh whatever, there’s always someone waiting to take their place.

D and I proceeded to do a little art work on the pooch. And the results are magnificent if I do say so myself. Well, just look. No these are NOT PhotoShopped, the dog really looks like that. *sigh* This is what keeps me from having to take copious amounts of happy drugs.

Later I spent the rest of this evening riding herd on my offspring so they would clean that health hazard of a pig sty that they call their room. After all the clothing, books, toys and papers were picked up there was an unimaginable amount of glitter and confetti on the floor. No really, there was, I wasn’t smoking crack while they cleaned. It looked like herd of drunk fairies had puked in their room. But it’s clean now. That makes me happy. That and Coco’s new colors!!! Ya want a dog dyed? Talk to me.

Good Job Getting Vibes Wanted!

The interview went quite well. I aced all the tests and impressed the woman who called for the interview. I think it went well with the owner of the company as well. The job place seems really interesting and fast paced. I would like this job. Throw me some happy vibes!

You Had To Be A Fiction Teacher!*

Why is it Monday through Friday when I awaken my progeny at 6:30 am I get complaints and screaming and pleas to go back to sleep yet on SATURDAY when they CAN sleep in I am awakened by their delightful squeals of play and laughter at the unholy hour of 6:15 am?!?!?!?!?! 6:15 in the freaking morning! EVEN my offspring who is the crankiest on a school morning and BEGGS to go back to sleep as she buries herself in the sofa cushions was up and laughing at 6:15 am. Yes, yes, Cabbage Patch AKA The Badger was participating in this lunacy. I finally had enough, yelled at them both and made them go BACK TO BED (one in their room, the other on the sofa) because I wanted more sleep. I think they do this to drive me MAD!

Moving right along…

I have an interview today at 1pm. It’s for an administrative assistant position. Meh. It would be a steady pay check. Why interview today, a Saturday? Because the person who called me for the interview was deeply impressed by my past experience with Nortel Networks and wanted me to interview with her and with the owner of the company who will be there today. Hopefully it’ll go well.

In other news…

Research recently released shows that a persons stress and anxiety levels are significantly reduced by looking at a pink pooch.** Take a look:





You’re welcome.

Now I’m off to take a shower and search for my favorite shoes to wear to this interview.

* That’s what Super Girl thought were the words to Big Shot by Billy Joel. Yes I listen to Billy Joel, fuck off, I’ve already admitted to the abomination that my musical taste is by publicly admitting my Manilow love.

** Not really, but if there ever is a study for that I want to one of the people getting paid to do it! I could dye pooches pink all day!

Lost In Translation

The other day Super Girl looked at me very seriously and asked me “Mamma is Aunt D half Chinese, half Japanese and half Mexican?” I stammered “No” as I tried not to choke on my coffee, then I asked her WTF? Well not exactly in that phrasing but you get the gist of it. I explained that Aunt D is part Mexican, part Cuban, part French and part something else then asked WHY she would think Aunt D was half Chinese and half Japanese. She replied “Then how does Aunt D know how to speak Chinese and Japanese?” “Super Girl… she LEARNED some Chinese and Japanese for her TRIP to CHINA.”

I told MacGyver about that and she thought it was hilarious. In talking we decided that D could use that to her advantage and just say that something was just LOST IN TRANSLATION anytime there is a misunderstanding.

Field Trip

Tuesday of last week was Super Girl’s class field trip. She begged me to accompany her on this and me being the most attentive mother ever, I said “Are you sure?” to which she said “Please!” and I said okay, then procrastinated until the VERY last moment to get my background check done. Why? Well I’m not keen on field trips – I never have been. I’m thrilled my offspring like them and get to go, but yeah, I never liked them myself. I realized this as I filled in the background check form the Thursday before at 2:30 pm and secretly hoped that it wouldn’t clear in time or possibly it would come back flagged due to my indictment for attempted murder with frozen poultry or possibly the 27 or 30 (I’ve lost count) separate restraining orders for stalking and various other activities, making me a security risk. I would have been fine with that and cheerily forfeited my $7 museum admittance fee to not go on the damn field trip. No such luck – I truly am karmically challenged – by 5 pm (much to Super Girl’s delight) I got an email stating that I was cleared. Damn.

The night before the trip to hell… er… trip to the Natural Science Museum and Wildlife Sanctuary it struck me as to why I have always loathed field trips (oh I’d still go, there was nothing worse than being the kid who couldn’t go). I remembered my first field trip (my mom was a chaperone) and how we sat in the back of the bus where I got car sick on the way there. I can’t remember where we went, but I remember lunch in the park and drinking red Kool Aid then lying down with my head in my mom’s lap. On the way back to school we sat in the back of the bus again where I proceeded to puke up copious amounts of red Kool Aid. It was great. Another field trip started out with the bus driver and teacher letting everyone disembark from the bus via the emergency door in the back. By this age I was far too much of a dork to sit in the back of the bus so I just waited in line waiting my turn to hurl my body out the back of the bus. Now you must note that I’m short and have always been on the short side, so here I was, short and chubby with geek clothes and a bad hair cut. A few people from the door of doom and I started to regret not having just gone out the bus through the front door. When I got there I looked down at the ground which seemed to be about a million miles below me and knew that this was a HUGE mistake. I hesitated; people behind me started saying “Go! Go!” in a very irritated tone, and then I did it. I jumped down just like everyone else, and then I fell flat on my fucking face. I cut my chin; I busted my knee open and scraped up one of my hands. And everyone laugh, except me, the short, chubby kid with blood on her shirt. Then of course there are the trips where I managed to not injure myself, where in I ended up being shoved to the back of the crowd and not being able to see any damn thing. That and riding the bus. Shit I hated riding the bus. D and I always had to ride a bus to school so getting EXTRA time on a bus just wasn’t a selling point for me. But I digress and hey, you aren’t getting paid $250 an hour to listen to my issues, so on we go!

I arrived at school about 9 am, everyone headed out to board the buses at 9:30 am and we arrived at the Science Museum and Wildlife Sanctuary about 9:45 am. Our group got to be one of the first ones to walk the nature trail. This promised to be interesting with 14 second graders in damp 52 degree weather. I had actually read the field trip information sheet which said to DRESS WARMLY and had ensured Super Girl had a jacket and I wore my coat. Our tour guide Tim gave specific instructions to everyone to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING without his permission. Sieg Heil, Tim. A few minutes into Tim’s instructions and description of the Wildlife Sanctuary I got the feeling that Tim may have been far to acquainted with certain plants during his younger years. Dude…

We started off on the trail and came to a large field with a creek beyond it. Tim stopped us and told us about this field and the creek. Tim took a good 10 minutes to talk about the GRASS… to a group of second graders. I remember thinking “Is he really talking about the GRASS or have I lost my mind?” The kids at this moment started asking about what time it was and when was lunch. We had just started. After Tim’s thrilling dissertation on the grass and how this European grass got here with the help of the immigrants and the animals they brought (and at no point did he EVER say the word poop, though he implied poop, he just never said it and for that he should be ashamed! Second graders love the word poop), we headed to a charming little area where he stopped to point out the POISON IVY! I cringed and hugged Super Girl closer to me while muttering “Don’t even take one step off this trail!”

NEXT, we walked past the enclosures for the birds on display at the Wildlife Sanctuary. Oops! There were no birds in the enclosures! How exciting! Tim explained that the birds that usually called those homes were currently on loan to some where else. Good choice of trails Tim! Finally we make it down next to the creek where Tim admonishes us to be QUIET! And to STAY AWAY from the creek. Thrilling. We see 3 ducks swim about 20 feet from the group. And one heron that flew away. The kids really didn’t give a crap by this time. They were asking every 5 minutes what time it was and saying they were hungry (i.e. bored). I was bored and I had a camera to take photos of interesting things with… which is to say there was very little that was interesting.

On the next part of the trail it was time for the kids to catch bugs. Sadly for them there weren’t that many bugs and it sucks to have to ASK permission to pick up a bug every time you find one – it makes for very few bugs being collected. YAWN. We finally made it back to the Natural Science Museum a little before 11 am. I was shocked to discover we had only been gone for a freaking hour! It seemed much, much longer.

Finally it was time for what the kids enjoyed the MOST! LUNCH! We had a 30 minute lunch so we’d have enough time to see the exhibits in the Natural Science Museum. (The field trip was scheduled to be over at 1:30 pm.) Now let me take a moment to say – DAMN! WTF is up with the shit people are packing in their kids’ lunches? It is NO wonder so many little kids are obese! I looked around and saw that my kid happened to be unique in the fact that her lunch had no junk food. Most kids had WAY too much food also. Super girl had a peanut butter and banana sandwich, an apple, an orange and a carrot (she loves carrots) and a bottle of water. She ate her sandwich, her carrot, had a few pieces of orange and we brought the apple back home. The girl next to her had a 6” sub from Subway, a bag of chips, a Sprite, a container of yogurt and some small slices of watermelon. The girl across from her had a sandwich (minus crust); Cheetos, a big Capri Sun, a big Honey Bun and I think cookies. Ah well now I understood why one of the girls had commented that Super Girl’s lunch looked like “A lot of vegetables”. Looking around, I don’t remember seeing any other kids in the class with fruit and I saw an awful lot of cans of sodas. Come on people! You are what you eat! Don’t turn your kids into JUNK FOOD.

Then it was on to the exhibits! All three rooms of exhibits. And one room was a ‘fossil dig’ room with a corner of it set up as a sand box where they could dig for ‘fossils’ and nothing else really. The next two hours were painful and tedious. I forced my kid and a couple others to walk through the other two rooms and do the ‘scavenger hunt’ to eat up some of the time. Then they all congregated in the Fossil Room to play in the sand. One little girl was such a brat – she proclaimed herself QUEEN and started bossing all the other kids in the sand around, I had the urge to go shove her off her perch and into the sand just to shut her up. Many of the kids just ignored her but several actually did what she said, so apparently she’s been playing this “Queen Of The Universe” roll for a while. It got so desperate to keep the kids occupied that part of our tour was going through the gift shop! I didn’t care, I just wanted it over – since we were inside now and had no where to stow any coats, I had the joy of carrying mine and our water bottles and Super Girls jacket. Wow, it was almost as much fun as going anywhere when my progeny was babies and required a pack mule full of diapers and bottles to accompany us.

Finally it was over, we were on the bus at 1 pm to wait for the rest of second grade to join us. The Natural Science Museum and Wildlife Sanctuary, blows. I’m lucky I got out with my sanity.

Yeah, I know, I bitch a lot.

Sending Out A Little Muppet Love


that's fabulous.


No this is NOT what I'm like on COFFEE... it's what I'm like on CUPCAKES! Thanks Sable for sending that one to me.

Nosferatu, is that you?

I think I discovered Cabbage Patch’s problem with MORNING. She’s a vampire. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it until this morning when she angrily screamed that she HATES THE LIGHT! All this time I thought it was just her being cranky, when in fact she has a fairly serious medical condition. Well she’s still going to have to go to school each morning… at least until she’s old enough for night school.

Last night I dreamed people were giving me gifts! It was fabulous! And in one of the bags there was stuff, like earrings and perfume but the BEST gift in the bag was an adorable pair of panties! Everyone thought I was an utter nut case for being so impressed with the panties instead of the perfume and earrings… well everyone except one person who made promise of certain naughty things when I wore them.

ALSO - in the dream at one point I walk past a table with various cupcakes and things on it and I notice one really cute little house on the table – it’s made from Twinkies! And now I have the insane urge to make a house out of Twinkies! Yeah, I know, I’m sick in the head. Gotta make lunch for the kids and shove them out the door. Have a great day!

Puke Fest 2 - The Sequel!

Did I say I thought this kid was getting better? I should know better than to tempt the fates. She just puked again. It's the first time today, but still... it's puke and it's again. Luckily this child is not as dramatic in her sickness and I have rarely had the sudden thought that maybe I should take her to the hospital. Still... I'm tired of being the mom right now. I am tired of cleaning up puke and washing towels.

I need a drink. And a vacation with hot sexy people waiting on me hand and foot. I'll settle for a nice cup of coffe right now.

I've been TAGGED!

I was tagged by the lovely Ash.

Five things you've never revealed on your blog, and then tag five people!

1) My middle name is Lynn and I hate it.

2) I have the worst taste in music. I mean HELL I love Barry Manilow! After all, he writes the songs that make the young girls cry… he writes the songs, he writes the songs.

3) I’d love to be an illustrator of children’s books but I’m very insecure about my artwork and I doubt anyone would want to own it. I’m insecure about my sewing as well.

4) I love my cats but I wish I didn’t have them any more.

5) I’d like to file for the big D very soon.


Now for the TAGGING.
I tag no one and anyone! Do this if you’d like – I would enjoy reading your answers if you feel like doing this.

On to other things, Super Girl seems to feel better today but lethargic. It appears that the actual Puke Fest part Deux was just last night as she hasn't vomited anymore today. Super Girl bounces back from illness much quicker than her sister (no what's that shit about breast fed babies being healtier? This one was my formula baby!). I'm cautiously optimistic that she's nearly over this.

When It Rains... Someone Pukes.

Isn't that how it goes? It's not? Well that's how it SEEMS to go at Casa de Karmically Challenged. Super Girl just started puking. One week after Cabbage Patch started her own puke fest, we are back at it. What did I do in my past life to deserve this?!?!?!?!?!

So ANYWAY... Anybody wanna come over for Puke Fest Part Deux? Can't guarantee her head will spin or anything, but I'll bet she can do that Linda Blair/pea soup thing. ;)