*sigh* There's so much going on right now in my life... this post is going to be a bit of a downer... I generally don't do that here, I try to keep it light... but I am going to talk about this... (vaguely... but I'm talking)...

The past months have been so confusing for me. Painful, lonely, bitter, sad, anxious but mostly confusing. I'm finally to a point where I have been feeling like this was close to an end... finally... but in the past couple of days, I've started thinking that the road is just getting longer for us. I don't like that... this situation needs to come to an end... my punishment has to come to an end. And now someone else has been drug into this situation... well actually she jumped into it even though I begged her not to. And now she's feeling the same cruel punishment that I have been. I didn't want that for her. I was so afraid that would happen... I was afraid that it would prolong my punishment mostly... but I was very afraid for her. Now she's been judged and examined, questioned and abused in the same manner I have been. Part of me is thankful, now she knows a bit of what I have been dealing with, but a large part of me is sad that she has been hurt so much. Crushed. Rejected. Beaten. Hurt. Her heart is so broken by what's happened in the past couple of days. Damn, she's so sensitive. I want to make it better for her, make her hurting stop. But I can't... I can't even stop it for myself. I'm angry that she got treated the way she did, that a few words have destroyed her chances at something she desires so much, that there is no way to stop what's already been set in motion... that any of this has happend at all. It's so frustrating... I wish I could only think of myself, of my hurt and anguish, but I can't... I'm not like that... I feel worse that she's being hurt by this situation than I do about my own pain and frustation. I've taken much of the responsibility for what I've gone through... right or wrong, I just have... I can't do that for her... Damn I can't change things. I've lost so much in all this... She's lost the possibility for so much... My heart is breaking because of that.... God willing, Thanksgiving will bring something for both of us to be thankful for.