Boredom, Parenthood & Relationships….

L – Dallas sometimes feels as if nothing ever changes either. Time stands still. At least for me, I don’t have much of an exciting life. Occasionally I venture outside of this little cave I live my life in and find something mildly exciting. But generally I don’t, I tend to be on the safe side in most areas. Nothing wrong with that I suppose except it does get boring at times and I do get the feeling of life just rushing past me while I stand on the sidewalk just watching or worse not even noticing that it’s happening. Currently my life is not really like that – boring that is. I have more going on than I care to, mostly due to the legal issues going on and financial issues from my husband not having a permanent job and having to take a contract job that makes substantially less than he did before. I’m thankful for the contract job though; it’s better than no job at all. Anyway, what I’m trying to express is that you are not alone, EVERYONE just about EVERYWHERE has that feeling of nothingness and pointlessness. I doubt most people REALLY know where they are going or what options they have. Everyone HAS options, maybe not all good and maybe not any better than what they are currently doing, but EVERYONE has options. I think that most people just don’t pay attention to what their options are and many who do know tend to ignore the ones that involve doing things that scare them or that they feel are to difficult or too much of a risk to take. You’re in a rut. It’s normal. We all get into ruts. ;o) Try this… think about your life, list off the top 5 things that suck and you want to change (things about your life not about yourself), then list off the top 5 things that are great and you don’t want to change. Then ponder how you can make the 5 things off the suck list change without changing the 5 things on the great list. Then plan to go do something you have never done but have always wanted to do. Just a suggestion. (Feel free to roll your eyes up or make a sarcastic remark, I’ll never know unless you tell me.)

On to parenthood. I do understand your reluctance to want to procreate. Especially when you said “I am also extremely worried that any child I produce would inherit my physical problems and knowing what I go through, I can't bear the idea of bringing another person into this world who will have to go through the same thing.” This is something I also worry about, but not a whole lot. I don’t want my girls to have to deal with the weight issues I’ve had to deal with my whole life so I’m trying to teach them to have positive attitudes about food and not insist that they clean their plates. I know that my job as a parent and whether I do a good job or a crappy job will determine their attitudes and outlook as a adults so I try hard not to screw up completely (as I do feel my mother did more often than not). I worried about all of that more before I had kids than I do now, I think that’s why hubby and I were married 5 years before we had our first child. I was worried I’d be a shitty mother. I thank one of my counselors for telling me “You don’t have to become your mother.” It sounds simple and logical, like knowledge I should have always known, but it was absolutely profound. Like getting permission to do things MY way. It was still a few years after I learned that before I took the plunge and became a parent. As far as the not being able to sustain a relationship with any man who fathered a child with you. I don’t know that you really should worry all that much about it. My parents divorced when I was very small, my mother remarried a few years later, I didn’t have a relationship with my real father until I was 23. I don’t really think NOT having a relationship with him hurt me. On the other hand, I don’t think having a relationship with my former stepfather was always a possitive thing – it wasn’t always a good thing, but it wasn’t always a bad thing. Honestly I think my mother could have done a lot better for my sister and myself if she had of done it on her own and not relied on the support of other people – many of whom were experts at being negative influences in anyone’s life. Basically my thoughts are that there are a lot of worse things a woman can do other than raise a child by herself.

And on to love and relationships. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone… as long as your willing to go out there and look for that person (many people want to believe there is someone out there but they don’t want to get off their ass and look for that someone, but would rather that this person just fall into their lap… which really doesn’t happen). I’m not sure I believe in ‘soulmates’, I really don’t know… maybe… but then again maybe not. I had to laugh at your statement of “I once had an affair, where the person just walked up to me out of the blue and said "You are very attractive. Wanna get it on?" (well, okay, it was a little more sophisticated than that, but not by much) and without thinking about it at all, I said yes, and we did it for about six months.” That’s so funny, I had a similar experience of a man telling me “You are very attractive. Wanna get it on?” (except not quite so sophisticated at all) and without thinking at all (due to my drunken state) I said yes and we did it for about 3 or 4 hours. (I know slutty of me, but I was in college). I am almost always willing to take a chance on love. I think that means I end up with my heart broken more than I like, but I really don’t mine. I would rather have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. Cliché, I know, but true. I’m a perpetual optimist in some areas.