Torn

Today is the funeral for a dear friend I worked with. I'm not going to the funeral and for that I am feeling more than a little bit guilty. His wake was last night and I just could not make it to that due to the meeting I had to attend. I feel a bit of resentment for that, but what could I do...I guess it really doesn't matter that much anyway since I really dislike wakes. I never know what to do or anything, funerals are much easier as they all pretty much go the same. You come in, sit and listen to the deceased be eulegized, you pay your respects to the family and go. Wakes are harder, I never know how long to stand around and look somber. Well that is except for things for my own family, I know how to handle that - just follow my sister's lead - and if it's family, well I know them and most everyone there so the awkward feeling is not there. Anyway... I digress... I'm sad I can't go to the funeral, I really would like to pay respects to his family and say goodbye. Part of me is glad I can't go though, I don't want my last memories of Winston to be his funeral or worse his body in a box (he died of cancer so I really do fear how he would look - it took me a couple of years to get the images of my mothers last days out of my head). It would just be sad to have my last memories of someone who was so full of life to be of him dead. So I won't go, I'll feel a bit guilty and I'll send a card to his family expressing my sorrow for his passing, although most likely I'll be at a lost for words to express my feelings and sign it with 'Deepest Sympathies' and be done with it. Sadly it won't express what I want to say or how I'll always smile when I remember him ordering dessert before his entree or how when I see Blue Bell ice cream I'll hear his twangy Texas drawl say how it's the only ice cream he'll eat, how coachly looking men in sans-a-belt pants will make me stifle a giggle as I'm reminded of his usual out fit of golf shirt and those pants. He always had a smile for everyone. It's too bad he's gone now.