The First Step Is Acknowledging You Have A Problem this is a thought I had a bit back, just now have the time to finish it.

I recently read about someone who's mother suffered a serious mental breakdown. She was hospitalized for several weeks and put on medication. She's doing better now thanks to the medication and therapy, but changed. All of this gave me reason to pause. Mental illness runs in my family. Most of it undiagnosed, but my sister will back me up on this. Our mother lived in a constant state of depression, I honestly don't think I ever saw her truly happy. Our grandmother has more problems than I can possibly list off. Our family is the typically mentaly ill family, we cover for the ones with the biggest problems and hide any abnormality from the public eye. This also makes some of us reclusive as it was eaiser to not be around others so as to not have to cover for someone or explain their behavior. I remember my wedding, my biggest fear that day was not that something would hold up the ceremony, or I'd spill food on my dress or anything like that, I was terrified that my grandmother would cause some horrible scene infront of all of my friends and new inlaws. I know at my sisters wedding she had a similar fear as an uninvited relative felt compelled to make a surprised appearance. they are all so messed up, it's eaiser to stay away from them.

Why am I thinking of all of this? Well I've been on Zoloft for about 8 months. I was having stress induced anxiety attacks and depression - symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. (I've always had problems with anxiety. I remember being 7 and having my first anxiety attack. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't know what it was, but I was well aquainted with my families issues and I knew it was best to just keep this to myself.) While I was taking antibiotics for strep I wasn't taking my Zoloft (for two reasons, both make me drowsy, I didn't want to compound that and I was vomiting at times so I didn't want to add extra medication to my already sick stomach). For a little over a week I didn't take it at all. Long enough for it to completly leave my system. Could I notice a difference? Yes, sadly I could. I noticed that I snapped at my husband and children more often. I notice some of the other symptoms that I had most of my life - I think it's called circular thinking - not being able to stop thinking about a traumatic or bad event, feelings of anxiety... I hate this. When my dr. perscribed the Zoloft she told me that it was only a temporary thing. That I wouldn't be on it forever. I was going through a tremendous amout of stress at the time and it helped so much, now most of that stress is gone, but I wonder if I'll be back where I started after I stop the Zoloft for good? I don't want that, I like the more peaceful Judy. But... I do feel as though some of the more passionate Judy has been dulled. I wonder if my art and creativity has suffered because of the medication, and if so, is it worth it? Please don't suggest counseling, I've done that for many years but never managed to feel like this with just counseling, infact every time I've been in counseling I've been told I should get on something, but never did. Now I wonder if I have tasted some kind of forbiden fruit. If I'm not to take this Zoloft forever, will I feel this peace without it? If not, then will I always wish for it? I honestly don't want to be tied to a pill bottle forever. Thankfully the Zoloft is not addictive. I want that peace, I want to quiet the disruptive thoughts, but I also want to feel that incredible passion for life. Part of me wishes I had never taken the Zoloft, that I would have done the usual, self destructive trying to tough it out alone - then I do wonder if I'd be much worse off mentally if I had. I hate admitting that I might have something that might be difficult to fix, that I have a seriously damaged psychie. I don't know that to do, continue taking the Zoloft or stop. I have a bit of time before I have to make the final decision... or should I say the decision is made for me. If hubby doesn't get a job, I may have not choice but to stop the medication. Anyway... I need to go to bed.