At 4 It’s Amuseing, At 40 It’ll Need Medication…
Cabbage Patch is insane this morning. More so than usual. The cause? Cereal. Some sugary cereal of no nutritional value that I RARELY let my offspring eat. It’s gone, that’s why she’s pissed. Super Girl had the last of the this morning. Now the world is coming to an end… because Super Girl ate the last of the cereal. How stupid of me to not know. The best part of all of this was when she walked out of the kitchen holding the empty box and said “No one eats all my Trix!” I tried HARD not to laugh but I had the Lucky Charms theme song running through my head as she looked like a deranged leprechaun! “They’re magically delicious!”
Friday, April 21, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Puppet Theater Seder!
Last week the Little People and I celebrated Passover. Unlike most years when I had K’s help in preparing, this year it was just me, the Tiny Terrorists and a sock puppet. Yes a sock puppet, I needed all the help I could in keeping the attention of my offspring.
Since this was my year of doing it alone, this would be the year of the SHORT Seder instead of the one that lasts until midnight or 1 am. Luckily everything went well. The progeny sat through everything (even though Super Girl asked ever 5 minutes if it was “time to find the matzah?” or if it was “time to open the door for Elijah?”), only one glass of wine was spilled on the table, no one called my matzah balls ‘poop’ and the offspring actually ATE the meal (roasted breast of lamb and potatoes, salad, mixed veggies and matzah ball soup, with a delightful desert of chocolate topped coconut macaroons – all made by ME).
Thankfully I had a sock puppet to help out. Just about the time that the offspring were getting bored and restless and I was on the verge of snapping at them that NO, it WAS NOT time to find the fucking matzah or open the DAMN DOOR! I turned to my friend the Pets.com spokes puppet and let him take over. I’m fairly certain that his rendition of the Exodus story wouldn’t be exactly considered reverent but it DID keep my offspring riveted to the story and sitting in their seats. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two kids that excited over plagues! They were almost as excited about that as the fact that I forgot to get kosher grape juice for them so they got 4 tiny glasses of wine. I of course opted for 4 LARGE glasses of wine as I traditionally do and I’m guessing THAT is why the puppet was such and an amusing and important part of the Seder.
Anyway, I managed to get the offspring to bed shortly after 9 pm and the puppet and I passed out on the sofa after finishing off the rest of the bottle of wine.
Seder Guest
Ready for the seder
They were BIG glasses of wine.
Last week the Little People and I celebrated Passover. Unlike most years when I had K’s help in preparing, this year it was just me, the Tiny Terrorists and a sock puppet. Yes a sock puppet, I needed all the help I could in keeping the attention of my offspring.
Since this was my year of doing it alone, this would be the year of the SHORT Seder instead of the one that lasts until midnight or 1 am. Luckily everything went well. The progeny sat through everything (even though Super Girl asked ever 5 minutes if it was “time to find the matzah?” or if it was “time to open the door for Elijah?”), only one glass of wine was spilled on the table, no one called my matzah balls ‘poop’ and the offspring actually ATE the meal (roasted breast of lamb and potatoes, salad, mixed veggies and matzah ball soup, with a delightful desert of chocolate topped coconut macaroons – all made by ME).
Thankfully I had a sock puppet to help out. Just about the time that the offspring were getting bored and restless and I was on the verge of snapping at them that NO, it WAS NOT time to find the fucking matzah or open the DAMN DOOR! I turned to my friend the Pets.com spokes puppet and let him take over. I’m fairly certain that his rendition of the Exodus story wouldn’t be exactly considered reverent but it DID keep my offspring riveted to the story and sitting in their seats. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two kids that excited over plagues! They were almost as excited about that as the fact that I forgot to get kosher grape juice for them so they got 4 tiny glasses of wine. I of course opted for 4 LARGE glasses of wine as I traditionally do and I’m guessing THAT is why the puppet was such and an amusing and important part of the Seder.
Anyway, I managed to get the offspring to bed shortly after 9 pm and the puppet and I passed out on the sofa after finishing off the rest of the bottle of wine.
Seder Guest
Ready for the seder
They were BIG glasses of wine.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Do NOT Fuck With Her! She Will FUCK You Up!
And she'll still be holding her Barbie.
My child is insane. I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt about her birth and wonder if that lack of oxygen is the cause of her madness. Her latest thing is to ball up her little fist, make that 'tough' face and say "You wanna piece of me?" It makes me laugh most times, you just can't take that statement seriously coming from her cerubic face.
And since yesterday she's been playing with clothes pins. It's bizarre. Today she stuck about 7 of them in her hair, which I just HAD to get a photo of. Then about 30 minutes later while K and I were having a conversation I had to stop mid sentence as I saw her with a clothes pin on both lips. A few moments ago she was doing her own version of Edward Scissor Hands with the clothes pins. Weird.
And she'll still be holding her Barbie.
My child is insane. I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt about her birth and wonder if that lack of oxygen is the cause of her madness. Her latest thing is to ball up her little fist, make that 'tough' face and say "You wanna piece of me?" It makes me laugh most times, you just can't take that statement seriously coming from her cerubic face.
And since yesterday she's been playing with clothes pins. It's bizarre. Today she stuck about 7 of them in her hair, which I just HAD to get a photo of. Then about 30 minutes later while K and I were having a conversation I had to stop mid sentence as I saw her with a clothes pin on both lips. A few moments ago she was doing her own version of Edward Scissor Hands with the clothes pins. Weird.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Time Out!
Damn, talk about being busy! I was so busy last week, I had this crazy notion that this week would be relaxing. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It doesn’t help that I’m completely off my schedule. K is working 3 pm until 2 am these days so that means he’s HOME for part of the day, meaning I have to totally rework my schedule. On top of that, I’m a day off. Yesterday K and I had this conversation:
Me: Oy! I have so much to do to get ready for Passover! (imagine me with the Jewish Mother accent)
Him: You have to do the Search for Chametz tonight also.
Me: No that’s tomorrow. Passover starts on Thursday night.
Him: No it starts tomorrow.
Me: *rolling my eyes at the ignorant gentile* No… it starts Thursday at sundown. On the 12th. I already checked.
Him: Judy, today is the 11th.
Me: Oh… hmm.. damn. I’m a day off.
So, yeah… whatever… It’s the story of my life. At this very moment I’m waiting for K to wake up so I can go to the store and get the last items for our fabulous Passover meal. While I wait I’ve been scanning through the Childrens Haggadah so I can adapt it with PUPPETS! This year will be the year of The Puppet Theater Passover! Hey, I’m doing this solo this year, I need all the advantages I can get and quite frankly the Tiny Terrorist give the puppet 100% of their attention where as I get about 30 seconds. 30 seconds is not enough time to get through 10 plagues AND the parting of the Red Sea.
Other things..
This past weekend was insane! But tremendous amounts of fun. It was the opening of Scarborough Faire. Due to K’s work schedule I had to bring the Tiny Terrorists with me to fair. Which meant I had to garb them! Woohoo! As usual with faire, I was up sewing until 4:30 am – both night. BUT – my offspring looked CUTE! So it was well worth the lack of sleep.
I’m not going to bore you with details of fair – Just look at the photos.
Wynde Darling just dressed!
RenJews!
Scary Cyn!
Scary Fairy!
NOT scary Fairies!
Are they ALWAYS Happy like that???
Filched Feathers! Damn I look good!
Multi tasking
Young Love... wait... too soon! Hands off little man!
Those Crazy Wenches! YMCA!
Look! It's Cher! Or... is it Sally Struthers?
Go look at Scarborough Faire photos to see the rest (click on both words to see both days)
Damn, talk about being busy! I was so busy last week, I had this crazy notion that this week would be relaxing. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It doesn’t help that I’m completely off my schedule. K is working 3 pm until 2 am these days so that means he’s HOME for part of the day, meaning I have to totally rework my schedule. On top of that, I’m a day off. Yesterday K and I had this conversation:
Me: Oy! I have so much to do to get ready for Passover! (imagine me with the Jewish Mother accent)
Him: You have to do the Search for Chametz tonight also.
Me: No that’s tomorrow. Passover starts on Thursday night.
Him: No it starts tomorrow.
Me: *rolling my eyes at the ignorant gentile* No… it starts Thursday at sundown. On the 12th. I already checked.
Him: Judy, today is the 11th.
Me: Oh… hmm.. damn. I’m a day off.
So, yeah… whatever… It’s the story of my life. At this very moment I’m waiting for K to wake up so I can go to the store and get the last items for our fabulous Passover meal. While I wait I’ve been scanning through the Childrens Haggadah so I can adapt it with PUPPETS! This year will be the year of The Puppet Theater Passover! Hey, I’m doing this solo this year, I need all the advantages I can get and quite frankly the Tiny Terrorist give the puppet 100% of their attention where as I get about 30 seconds. 30 seconds is not enough time to get through 10 plagues AND the parting of the Red Sea.
Other things..
This past weekend was insane! But tremendous amounts of fun. It was the opening of Scarborough Faire. Due to K’s work schedule I had to bring the Tiny Terrorists with me to fair. Which meant I had to garb them! Woohoo! As usual with faire, I was up sewing until 4:30 am – both night. BUT – my offspring looked CUTE! So it was well worth the lack of sleep.
I’m not going to bore you with details of fair – Just look at the photos.
Wynde Darling just dressed!
RenJews!
Scary Cyn!
Scary Fairy!
NOT scary Fairies!
Are they ALWAYS Happy like that???
Filched Feathers! Damn I look good!
Multi tasking
Young Love... wait... too soon! Hands off little man!
Those Crazy Wenches! YMCA!
Look! It's Cher! Or... is it Sally Struthers?
Go look at Scarborough Faire photos to see the rest (click on both words to see both days)
Thursday, April 06, 2006
You Kids! Get Off My Lawn!
Before...
I'm very angry right now. I don't even have time to be, I have so much to do, but I am. White hot angry. I took the Little People to have a delightful gourmet meal of McD's because the thought of cooking tonight was more nauseating than the thought of eating McD's food and I figured that if we walked to McD's and they played in the 'Migical Fun Fabulous Play Area' courtesy of Ronald McD', that they would be pretty damn tired out by the time we got home and go right to bed which would save my sanity and give me a few moments of peace.... but I digress... When we got home there was a group of 8 - 11 year olds milling around my building. They had been throwing bricks in the street and spitting on the sidewalk and when I got to my door I saw this:
After
They had knocked over one of my large planters (pictured above a few days ago with lovely green sprouts). They also had obviously stepped in two others and had messed with one other. I didn't even get to opening my door before I walked over to the 8 or 9 kids who had been cautiously watching me. I asked them who had been messing with my plants and somehow they had NO IDEA WHO had done that, even though it was obvious it had just happened (there was still wet outlines of where my planters HAD been on the cement). I told them I didn't believe them and that I thougth they had done it and that they had beter keep their fucking hands off my planters.
I know it's not the end of the fucking world, but it still pisses me off. The Little People and I have a tradition of planting things every year. Starting in January or February we start discussing what to plant and shopping for seeds. Finally we plan a special day to plant seeds. This year my offspring were especially excited about our 'garden'. Every single day they have peered into the planters searching for tiny green sprouts. Every day since the first green sprouts pushed through the dirt, they have inspected them and excitedly reported on the growth. And now... most of it is gone. *sigh*
Before...
I'm very angry right now. I don't even have time to be, I have so much to do, but I am. White hot angry. I took the Little People to have a delightful gourmet meal of McD's because the thought of cooking tonight was more nauseating than the thought of eating McD's food and I figured that if we walked to McD's and they played in the 'Migical Fun Fabulous Play Area' courtesy of Ronald McD', that they would be pretty damn tired out by the time we got home and go right to bed which would save my sanity and give me a few moments of peace.... but I digress... When we got home there was a group of 8 - 11 year olds milling around my building. They had been throwing bricks in the street and spitting on the sidewalk and when I got to my door I saw this:
After
They had knocked over one of my large planters (pictured above a few days ago with lovely green sprouts). They also had obviously stepped in two others and had messed with one other. I didn't even get to opening my door before I walked over to the 8 or 9 kids who had been cautiously watching me. I asked them who had been messing with my plants and somehow they had NO IDEA WHO had done that, even though it was obvious it had just happened (there was still wet outlines of where my planters HAD been on the cement). I told them I didn't believe them and that I thougth they had done it and that they had beter keep their fucking hands off my planters.
I know it's not the end of the fucking world, but it still pisses me off. The Little People and I have a tradition of planting things every year. Starting in January or February we start discussing what to plant and shopping for seeds. Finally we plan a special day to plant seeds. This year my offspring were especially excited about our 'garden'. Every single day they have peered into the planters searching for tiny green sprouts. Every day since the first green sprouts pushed through the dirt, they have inspected them and excitedly reported on the growth. And now... most of it is gone. *sigh*
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Spring Garden!
Sprouts!
More Sprouts!
Butterfly
Damn I'm busy lately. I must have half a dozen post that I've startd and haven't finished. I keep getting interupted and when I get back to the computer i rarely have time to finish let alone the time to figure out what train of thought that unfinished post was on! Anyway, here are some photos of my 'garden'. it's off to a smashing start with everything The Tiny Terrorists and I planted actually GROWING this year. YAY!!
Other Exciting Things
K tought me how to drive a STICK SHIFT the other day. I have to say it wasn't nearly as hard as i had inticipated though it's a bit tricky to manage to stop and then start again without stalling the damn car. I must have done that about half a dozen times, and twice on the street with people behind me! Ah well life goes on, I can shift and all with no problems.
Well back to sewing and stuff, enjoy the fabulous photos of growing things and the photo of the beautiful butterfly hanging out next to the creek.
Sprouts!
More Sprouts!
Butterfly
Damn I'm busy lately. I must have half a dozen post that I've startd and haven't finished. I keep getting interupted and when I get back to the computer i rarely have time to finish let alone the time to figure out what train of thought that unfinished post was on! Anyway, here are some photos of my 'garden'. it's off to a smashing start with everything The Tiny Terrorists and I planted actually GROWING this year. YAY!!
Other Exciting Things
K tought me how to drive a STICK SHIFT the other day. I have to say it wasn't nearly as hard as i had inticipated though it's a bit tricky to manage to stop and then start again without stalling the damn car. I must have done that about half a dozen times, and twice on the street with people behind me! Ah well life goes on, I can shift and all with no problems.
Well back to sewing and stuff, enjoy the fabulous photos of growing things and the photo of the beautiful butterfly hanging out next to the creek.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Some People Just Suck
What's up with rude people today? Was there a memo sent out that people are supposed to be RUDE today and I just didn't get it?
I'm so irritated with this one person I just had to walk away. The grandmother of a baby I was scheduled to take it's photo at noon looked me right in the eye and said "You need to be accomodating of us." after telling me that they weren't ready for the baby's photos - this is the third time to schedule with this family. I've scheduled a time to take these photos three times and they CAN NOT get their shit together, yet I'm the one who needs to be ACCOMODATING? They are wasting my time and I need to be ACCOMODATING? Whatever, she can just SUCK IT.
The other family is not nearly as rude yet still they have no respect for my time. I scheduled with her yesterday and didn't get many shots as she was tired from some vistors who just wouldn't leave. I suggest that I come back a bit later after she had her lunch and a nap. When I returned she was still napping and said we could take the photos today. This morning I step into her room to schedule the photos and she says she can't schedule a time as she has a lot of visitors coming and wants to know how she can contact me to let me know when she's available. Sorry, can't do that, I'm actually going to be WORKING and not sitting by a phone waiting for you to grant me the priveledge of being in your presence. I'll stop by before I leave and if she's not ready, she can SUCK IT too!
What's up with rude people today? Was there a memo sent out that people are supposed to be RUDE today and I just didn't get it?
I'm so irritated with this one person I just had to walk away. The grandmother of a baby I was scheduled to take it's photo at noon looked me right in the eye and said "You need to be accomodating of us." after telling me that they weren't ready for the baby's photos - this is the third time to schedule with this family. I've scheduled a time to take these photos three times and they CAN NOT get their shit together, yet I'm the one who needs to be ACCOMODATING? They are wasting my time and I need to be ACCOMODATING? Whatever, she can just SUCK IT.
The other family is not nearly as rude yet still they have no respect for my time. I scheduled with her yesterday and didn't get many shots as she was tired from some vistors who just wouldn't leave. I suggest that I come back a bit later after she had her lunch and a nap. When I returned she was still napping and said we could take the photos today. This morning I step into her room to schedule the photos and she says she can't schedule a time as she has a lot of visitors coming and wants to know how she can contact me to let me know when she's available. Sorry, can't do that, I'm actually going to be WORKING and not sitting by a phone waiting for you to grant me the priveledge of being in your presence. I'll stop by before I leave and if she's not ready, she can SUCK IT too!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I Do Not Like Green Eggs And SPAM!
A can of SPAM. In my pantry. I know it sounds wrong considering me being a JEW. It’s one of the remnants abandoned to me by the temporary roommate in her hasty exit. It’s been sitting in my kitchen taunting me for months. Today I offered it to Cabbage Patch for lunch, I said “Do you want SPAM and eggs?” and she quickly said yes. Even though she had no idea WHAT SPAM is (really, who does though?), she said yes. Since she hasn’t claimed to be Jewish and her father is Christian I have no problem feeding this personally offensive meat product to my child (hey, at least she’s EATING something) – and she just informed me that she’s not Jewish or Christian she’s GREEK! Yeah… umm… okay.
As I opened the tin and plopped out the pink block of pork stuff I had images of cute little block shaped piggy creatures frolicking across a field with a big SPAM tin shaped barn in the back ground. This was a much more comforting thought of the origins of the pink block of pork than the actual meat processing plant idea with various questionable parts being ground up and squashed into bricks. Icky. SPAM piggies are cute. Questionable pig parts made into bricks is not cute.
Cabbage Patch never gave it a though she gobbled down all the slices of pig brick and asked for more. *sigh* At least it’s out of my house before Passover. (PS – I had mushrooms with MY eggs)
Other things
My child is so insane; we had this exchange this morning:
Me to naked child: You need to get dressed.
Her: Why? Is somebody coming over? (Because, ya know, that’s the only reason you should HAVE to get dressed is if someone is coming to visit.)
Me: No, you just need some clothes on. What if someone comes to the door?
Her: I’d just hide!
Later:
Me: Stop jumping on my bed!
Her: But MOM I’m doing my workout!
I Am The Jell-O Master!
In the past two days I’ve made 4 packages of Jell-O (2 red for 6 Jell-O Jiggler eggs, and 1 green and one orange for 6 more). My offspring think I’m the bomb for making Jell-O eggs. I’ve decided that I must now make many more Jell-O recipes to explore my insanity, be creative AND make a tasty snack! Insanity + Creativity + Snack = WINNER! (Or Elvis… not really sure… must recalculate some time)
All this talk of Jell-O reminded me of a time when K and I went to Kansas. I was served a delicious strawberry Jell-O desert right after taking some allergy medicine to ward off my reaction to being in Kansas. Later we went to listen to some old people play old people music at an outdoor concert where I fell asleep and had whacked out dreams of living Jell-O. I’m not sure it’s a coincidence or not, but I believe that’s the SAME trip K and I got engaged on. Hmmmm… Was it the Jell-O or was it just Kansas? (The state not the band).
Okay, enough, I must go console my offspring who is disappointed that her tongue hasn’t turned green from eating green Jell-o eggs.
A can of SPAM. In my pantry. I know it sounds wrong considering me being a JEW. It’s one of the remnants abandoned to me by the temporary roommate in her hasty exit. It’s been sitting in my kitchen taunting me for months. Today I offered it to Cabbage Patch for lunch, I said “Do you want SPAM and eggs?” and she quickly said yes. Even though she had no idea WHAT SPAM is (really, who does though?), she said yes. Since she hasn’t claimed to be Jewish and her father is Christian I have no problem feeding this personally offensive meat product to my child (hey, at least she’s EATING something) – and she just informed me that she’s not Jewish or Christian she’s GREEK! Yeah… umm… okay.
As I opened the tin and plopped out the pink block of pork stuff I had images of cute little block shaped piggy creatures frolicking across a field with a big SPAM tin shaped barn in the back ground. This was a much more comforting thought of the origins of the pink block of pork than the actual meat processing plant idea with various questionable parts being ground up and squashed into bricks. Icky. SPAM piggies are cute. Questionable pig parts made into bricks is not cute.
Cabbage Patch never gave it a though she gobbled down all the slices of pig brick and asked for more. *sigh* At least it’s out of my house before Passover. (PS – I had mushrooms with MY eggs)
Other things
My child is so insane; we had this exchange this morning:
Me to naked child: You need to get dressed.
Her: Why? Is somebody coming over? (Because, ya know, that’s the only reason you should HAVE to get dressed is if someone is coming to visit.)
Me: No, you just need some clothes on. What if someone comes to the door?
Her: I’d just hide!
Later:
Me: Stop jumping on my bed!
Her: But MOM I’m doing my workout!
I Am The Jell-O Master!
In the past two days I’ve made 4 packages of Jell-O (2 red for 6 Jell-O Jiggler eggs, and 1 green and one orange for 6 more). My offspring think I’m the bomb for making Jell-O eggs. I’ve decided that I must now make many more Jell-O recipes to explore my insanity, be creative AND make a tasty snack! Insanity + Creativity + Snack = WINNER! (Or Elvis… not really sure… must recalculate some time)
All this talk of Jell-O reminded me of a time when K and I went to Kansas. I was served a delicious strawberry Jell-O desert right after taking some allergy medicine to ward off my reaction to being in Kansas. Later we went to listen to some old people play old people music at an outdoor concert where I fell asleep and had whacked out dreams of living Jell-O. I’m not sure it’s a coincidence or not, but I believe that’s the SAME trip K and I got engaged on. Hmmmm… Was it the Jell-O or was it just Kansas? (The state not the band).
Okay, enough, I must go console my offspring who is disappointed that her tongue hasn’t turned green from eating green Jell-o eggs.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Motherhood, It’s All About Teaching Valuable Lessons… Like Holding A Grudge.
I’m irritable (don’t even make any PMS jokes fuckers, I’ll find you and cut you) and I probably have NO reason what-so-ever to be irritable. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling this righteous indignation on behalf of my first born.
This morning before school, Super Girl pulls a BIRTHDAY INVITATION from her back pack and excitedly tells me it’s for (insert over used girl’s name)’s birthday. I instantly felt pissed. I also instantly knew that I really should get over it, BUT I can’t. If you recall my post about Super Girl’s Pirate Party, you will recall that NONE of her school friends came to the party and NONE of the parents even BOTHERED to RSVP with regrets (ASSHOLES). I’m still PISSED about that. I know I need to get over, I’ve already said that… yet, since it’s a slight not against myself, which I can just blow off, it’s a slight against MY FIRST BORN! And I being the very protective mother that I am, can’t let it go… I just CAN’T! (don’t worry, I’m not out for VENGENCE… other than maybe the sneaky wish that this party totally blows and that this kid blames her mother for the rest of her life for ruining her 7th birthday party. But that’s just normal, I’m not talking about anything drastic like keying her car or photoshoping photos of the mom in compromising positions with farm animals and e-mailing them to her work/family/etc. or making a voodoo doll of the mom… well maybe the voodoo doll but that would just be THERAPY for me, not a REVENGE thing.)
I’m actually shocked that I’m still pissed about the birthday thing, I’m not the type of person to hold a grudge. Except about this. In fact I won’t even talk to the mom’s of the two little girls that catch the same bus as Super Girl who were invited to her party. We don’t even catch the bus at the same place (that was Super Girl’s idea, not mine, but I’m fine with it since I’ve made a friend with a different mom who waits there with her son). I know, I’m childish and petty, I can live with that. But I digress…
I am now vacillating between actually letting my offspring go to this party for the offspring of at lease one very rude parent or of sending my regrets (with a flaming bag of dog shit on her porch).
Other crap… I really don’t have time to WRITE more right now, as I have a FILTHY house to clean, a MOUNTAIN of laundry to scale, HUNDREDS of sewing projects to finish and a CRAZY circus midget to duct tape to the stairs… er… I mean occupy with educational activities… yeah… educational activities.
BUT! I shall write more, there is much more to write about…
COMING SOON!
Spring Break Is OVER! The perilous tale of spring break and my near collapse into madness at the hands of my offspring (not really).
• Donuts with D
• Thrift Store fun
• Teddy Bear Park
• Jolly Rogers Movie Day
• Planting the ‘Garden’
• Lunch With Sable and The Wife
• “I spent $15 for what???”
• Hey! That’s MY $1 that paid for that!
• Oh yeah! I do have one of those don’t I!
Super Girl’s FABULOUS B-Day pressies just arrived!
Hanta and Bea have a new home.
Why I’m contemplating K’s brutal and painful murder and my need for a babysitter for Friday night and Sunday.
Why K is actually safe from DEATH (but no the pain… you’d be surprised what you can live through).
See! I told you I had a lot to write about! I’d do that now, but ya know, this house isn’t going to clean it’s self and so far my attempts to teach the cats to clean have all stalled at vacuuming – damn cat’s run every time they turn it on. Sheesh.
I’m irritable (don’t even make any PMS jokes fuckers, I’ll find you and cut you) and I probably have NO reason what-so-ever to be irritable. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling this righteous indignation on behalf of my first born.
This morning before school, Super Girl pulls a BIRTHDAY INVITATION from her back pack and excitedly tells me it’s for (insert over used girl’s name)’s birthday. I instantly felt pissed. I also instantly knew that I really should get over it, BUT I can’t. If you recall my post about Super Girl’s Pirate Party, you will recall that NONE of her school friends came to the party and NONE of the parents even BOTHERED to RSVP with regrets (ASSHOLES). I’m still PISSED about that. I know I need to get over, I’ve already said that… yet, since it’s a slight not against myself, which I can just blow off, it’s a slight against MY FIRST BORN! And I being the very protective mother that I am, can’t let it go… I just CAN’T! (don’t worry, I’m not out for VENGENCE… other than maybe the sneaky wish that this party totally blows and that this kid blames her mother for the rest of her life for ruining her 7th birthday party. But that’s just normal, I’m not talking about anything drastic like keying her car or photoshoping photos of the mom in compromising positions with farm animals and e-mailing them to her work/family/etc. or making a voodoo doll of the mom… well maybe the voodoo doll but that would just be THERAPY for me, not a REVENGE thing.)
I’m actually shocked that I’m still pissed about the birthday thing, I’m not the type of person to hold a grudge. Except about this. In fact I won’t even talk to the mom’s of the two little girls that catch the same bus as Super Girl who were invited to her party. We don’t even catch the bus at the same place (that was Super Girl’s idea, not mine, but I’m fine with it since I’ve made a friend with a different mom who waits there with her son). I know, I’m childish and petty, I can live with that. But I digress…
I am now vacillating between actually letting my offspring go to this party for the offspring of at lease one very rude parent or of sending my regrets (with a flaming bag of dog shit on her porch).
Other crap… I really don’t have time to WRITE more right now, as I have a FILTHY house to clean, a MOUNTAIN of laundry to scale, HUNDREDS of sewing projects to finish and a CRAZY circus midget to duct tape to the stairs… er… I mean occupy with educational activities… yeah… educational activities.
BUT! I shall write more, there is much more to write about…
COMING SOON!
Spring Break Is OVER! The perilous tale of spring break and my near collapse into madness at the hands of my offspring (not really).
• Donuts with D
• Thrift Store fun
• Teddy Bear Park
• Jolly Rogers Movie Day
• Planting the ‘Garden’
• Lunch With Sable and The Wife
• “I spent $15 for what???”
• Hey! That’s MY $1 that paid for that!
• Oh yeah! I do have one of those don’t I!
Super Girl’s FABULOUS B-Day pressies just arrived!
Hanta and Bea have a new home.
Why I’m contemplating K’s brutal and painful murder and my need for a babysitter for Friday night and Sunday.
Why K is actually safe from DEATH (but no the pain… you’d be surprised what you can live through).
See! I told you I had a lot to write about! I’d do that now, but ya know, this house isn’t going to clean it’s self and so far my attempts to teach the cats to clean have all stalled at vacuuming – damn cat’s run every time they turn it on. Sheesh.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Why I Stopped At Two…
Yesterday Cabbage Patch was wrapping the strap off some luggage around herself (don’t ask why, she’s 4, there is no logical answer) and walked up to me to ask “Mamma, how do I look?” to which I answered “Weird.” Without missing a beat her older and more jaded sister replied “You look like a dork.” All I could do was laugh. Well she did look like a dork (which she was overly proud of) and I COMPLETELY remember my older sister saying shit like that to me.
Yesterday Cabbage Patch was wrapping the strap off some luggage around herself (don’t ask why, she’s 4, there is no logical answer) and walked up to me to ask “Mamma, how do I look?” to which I answered “Weird.” Without missing a beat her older and more jaded sister replied “You look like a dork.” All I could do was laugh. Well she did look like a dork (which she was overly proud of) and I COMPLETELY remember my older sister saying shit like that to me.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Sorry To Be So Late, I Think I Spring Broke My Brain
Dear gawd, Spring Break has affected my thinking. I’m getting more sleep due to not having to get up quite so early (hey, one freaking HOUR really fucking helps… well that and I went to bed early a couple of nights, go figure) – not that it matters since most of my waking hours is spent trying to entertain or occupy a 7 year old and a 4 year old and fighting that urge just to lock them in a dog kennel for several hours at a time. Opps… did I say that out loud? Damn mental filter isn’t working so well again (ever). So yeah, I can’t think straight… seems that being well rested only makes me that much more ADD than usual and since I’m generally a little distracted… well… what was I talking about?
OH! NEW AND SHINY!
I finally got my NEW cell phone and after 6 phone calls and a visit to both the Nextel (SUCKS!) and the Sprint (they don’t suck) stores, things ARE up and running. So if you left me a message on my cell phone over the weekend, sorry, I didn’t get it... I mean I DID get it, but I couldn’t GET TO IT so I never heard it. At any rate, I totally love this new phone. It’s a camera phone. Woohoo! When you see me, you must ask to see my screen saver on my phone, I took that photo – it’s too funny. Don’t ask me to SEND you the photo… I don’t think I can, I think that’d cost me more money… I’m not even sure I can upload the photo on my computer. See I kind of lost the instruction manual already. I read one page and I’ve lost it. No, really I did. I’m sure it’s here somewhere, I’ll find it eventually. Anyway, it makes me laugh.
Scoring A 0.02 – Somewhere Between Useless and Dying
Monday was the MOST FUN EVER in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. (sarcasm) Being the first Monday of SPRING BREAK, I had all these grand plans of things to do with the offspring that would keep them entertained and keep me sane. Yeah, whatever. I have no idea why I ever really PLAN things out. I LOVE plans but I really do love SPONTANEOUS too. And when it comes right down to it, in a choice between being the grown up with set plans, I’m more likely to be the ADD 5 year old who just ate 3 frosted cupcakes spontaneous. Not always, but a lot of the time. New fun can be more fun than old fun, but not always but I’m always curious to find out. Wait… what was I talking about... Oh yeah… Monday…
So MONDAY the plan was to do gardening. That’s what I had thought out and planned. To plant our garden. I bought new seeds and new tiny shovels for the progeny. Monday morning I realized the error of my planning. That planting out ‘garden’ (about 5 planters) would take a total of 30 minutes if we took out time. Ahhh… hmmm… must improvise. And by improvise I mean put DVD’s on and hope they would sit there and be occupied until early afternoon when we’d go plant. I had actually planned a trip to the park with a picnic but for some fucked up reason it was COLD and WINDY Monday so umm… no. So after the first DVD got boring we spent the rest of the morning doing laundry and let me tell you, KIDS LOVE DOING LAUNDRY! Well not really, so the morning involved a lot of yelling and whining and cursing. Finally after short naps, we PLANT the GARDEN between gusts of wind. Now here’s the FUN part of the day! After planting the headache I’d had most of the day decided to become a MIGRAINE! Woohoo! I spend the rest of the evening shushing the progeny who are by now WOUND up and RUNNING WILD. I message K desperately begging him to make time go faster and get home NOW. He promised to take the offspring with him to his political thingy that night so I could feign death on the couch until I didn’t have the urge to vomit every time I moved. Eventually he got home and drug Chaos and Destruction off with him. The world improved. The end of Monday.
I’ll add more to this later… I need to go rinse my hair because I stopped mid paragraph and had to put color on my hair.
Dear gawd, Spring Break has affected my thinking. I’m getting more sleep due to not having to get up quite so early (hey, one freaking HOUR really fucking helps… well that and I went to bed early a couple of nights, go figure) – not that it matters since most of my waking hours is spent trying to entertain or occupy a 7 year old and a 4 year old and fighting that urge just to lock them in a dog kennel for several hours at a time. Opps… did I say that out loud? Damn mental filter isn’t working so well again (ever). So yeah, I can’t think straight… seems that being well rested only makes me that much more ADD than usual and since I’m generally a little distracted… well… what was I talking about?
OH! NEW AND SHINY!
I finally got my NEW cell phone and after 6 phone calls and a visit to both the Nextel (SUCKS!) and the Sprint (they don’t suck) stores, things ARE up and running. So if you left me a message on my cell phone over the weekend, sorry, I didn’t get it... I mean I DID get it, but I couldn’t GET TO IT so I never heard it. At any rate, I totally love this new phone. It’s a camera phone. Woohoo! When you see me, you must ask to see my screen saver on my phone, I took that photo – it’s too funny. Don’t ask me to SEND you the photo… I don’t think I can, I think that’d cost me more money… I’m not even sure I can upload the photo on my computer. See I kind of lost the instruction manual already. I read one page and I’ve lost it. No, really I did. I’m sure it’s here somewhere, I’ll find it eventually. Anyway, it makes me laugh.
Scoring A 0.02 – Somewhere Between Useless and Dying
Monday was the MOST FUN EVER in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. (sarcasm) Being the first Monday of SPRING BREAK, I had all these grand plans of things to do with the offspring that would keep them entertained and keep me sane. Yeah, whatever. I have no idea why I ever really PLAN things out. I LOVE plans but I really do love SPONTANEOUS too. And when it comes right down to it, in a choice between being the grown up with set plans, I’m more likely to be the ADD 5 year old who just ate 3 frosted cupcakes spontaneous. Not always, but a lot of the time. New fun can be more fun than old fun, but not always but I’m always curious to find out. Wait… what was I talking about... Oh yeah… Monday…
So MONDAY the plan was to do gardening. That’s what I had thought out and planned. To plant our garden. I bought new seeds and new tiny shovels for the progeny. Monday morning I realized the error of my planning. That planting out ‘garden’ (about 5 planters) would take a total of 30 minutes if we took out time. Ahhh… hmmm… must improvise. And by improvise I mean put DVD’s on and hope they would sit there and be occupied until early afternoon when we’d go plant. I had actually planned a trip to the park with a picnic but for some fucked up reason it was COLD and WINDY Monday so umm… no. So after the first DVD got boring we spent the rest of the morning doing laundry and let me tell you, KIDS LOVE DOING LAUNDRY! Well not really, so the morning involved a lot of yelling and whining and cursing. Finally after short naps, we PLANT the GARDEN between gusts of wind. Now here’s the FUN part of the day! After planting the headache I’d had most of the day decided to become a MIGRAINE! Woohoo! I spend the rest of the evening shushing the progeny who are by now WOUND up and RUNNING WILD. I message K desperately begging him to make time go faster and get home NOW. He promised to take the offspring with him to his political thingy that night so I could feign death on the couch until I didn’t have the urge to vomit every time I moved. Eventually he got home and drug Chaos and Destruction off with him. The world improved. The end of Monday.
I’ll add more to this later… I need to go rinse my hair because I stopped mid paragraph and had to put color on my hair.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Part Two Of Day One In Hell
Okay, whatever, it wasn’t quite that bad. Especially after two bottles of Boone’s Farm. Then I just let the Tiny Terrorist play on the computer while I slept it off the rest of the day. It all worked out.
Oh put the damn phone down, stop dialing Child Protective Services. I didn’t really do that. I don’t have a damn drop of booze around here! Yeah I know, it’s a huge surprise to you. Most people think I’m hitting the bottle every day and after they meet my kids they are convinced I’m drinking most of the day… or is it that they are convinced I drank a lot while pregnant?... hmm… whatever, it’s all wrong But I digress… I was talking about the Tiny Terrorists… and our day.
Child Dangers
Today after my 6 hour nap (kidding!), I was playing with the Tiny Terrorists. They had all these fake gold coins left over from Super Girl’s party and had them on their table. I decided that I’d take them all (pirate *shrug*). They start squealing with glee and trying to stop me. But I have the bigger hands, so suck it kids! Cabbage Patch has this plastic box that she’s trying to put some coins in and I start grabbing the coins out of there also. Next thing you know it slips out of her hands and whacks me right in the middle of the forehead. Which they think is funny (it’s not, so stop laughing) and I think is painful. I tell them to stop hurting mommy and we keep playing. Fast forward a few hours, K is home and the Tiny Terrorists are in bed. I go in to the bathroom and as I pass the mirror I notice a reddish purple line down my forehead. Yeah, from the box. Thanks kids! That’s going to look really fabulous tomorrow. *eyes rolling up in head*
Okay, whatever, it wasn’t quite that bad. Especially after two bottles of Boone’s Farm. Then I just let the Tiny Terrorist play on the computer while I slept it off the rest of the day. It all worked out.
Oh put the damn phone down, stop dialing Child Protective Services. I didn’t really do that. I don’t have a damn drop of booze around here! Yeah I know, it’s a huge surprise to you. Most people think I’m hitting the bottle every day and after they meet my kids they are convinced I’m drinking most of the day… or is it that they are convinced I drank a lot while pregnant?... hmm… whatever, it’s all wrong But I digress… I was talking about the Tiny Terrorists… and our day.
Child Dangers
Today after my 6 hour nap (kidding!), I was playing with the Tiny Terrorists. They had all these fake gold coins left over from Super Girl’s party and had them on their table. I decided that I’d take them all (pirate *shrug*). They start squealing with glee and trying to stop me. But I have the bigger hands, so suck it kids! Cabbage Patch has this plastic box that she’s trying to put some coins in and I start grabbing the coins out of there also. Next thing you know it slips out of her hands and whacks me right in the middle of the forehead. Which they think is funny (it’s not, so stop laughing) and I think is painful. I tell them to stop hurting mommy and we keep playing. Fast forward a few hours, K is home and the Tiny Terrorists are in bed. I go in to the bathroom and as I pass the mirror I notice a reddish purple line down my forehead. Yeah, from the box. Thanks kids! That’s going to look really fabulous tomorrow. *eyes rolling up in head*
Day One Of Spring Break
AKA – Hell At The Hands Of The Tiny Terrorists
7:30 am – Awakened by small children gleefully screaming for my consciousness. Note to self, must explain to them that 7:30 am is not considered SLEEPING IN, it’s just considered waking up late.
7:35 am – Question offspring as to why she’s naked, look at her questioningly when she babbles something at me, then tell her to just get dressed as I walk to the kitchen to make breakfast.
7:40 am – Walk upstairs to ask K why he’s still at home since it’s almost 8 am!! Tell offspring to put on clothes again, tell other progeny to put the cat down.
7:41 am – Walk down the stairs while muttering ancient voodoo curses aimed toward K because he doesn’t have to be at work until 10:30am and he’s still SLEEPING. Consider sending offspring up to play with Daddy. Tell naked offspring to GET DRESSED NOW. Smack other progeny on the back of the head and free cat from her clutches amid her LOUD protests.
7:42 am – Remember breakfast when the smell of burning pancakes enters my nose. Swear loudly and run to kitchen. Announce that the black pancake is for DADDY with a giggle then wash out pan and start over.
7:43 am – Tell offspring they CAN play games on the lap top just so I don’t have to hear them scream at each other anymore or torture the poor cat. Decide that a towel wrapped around the naked offspring is close enough to clothes and go back to kitchen to finish making pancakes.
7:45 am – Tell offspring to start setting the table as I put rock hard margarine in the microwave for 10 seconds to soften it. Pour more batter in pan.
7:46 am – Remember now liquidified margarine in nuker, snap open door and proceed to spill half of the margarine in microwave, down my arm and on cooking pancake. Repeat the swearing loudly.
7:47 am – Tell offspring to set the table AGAIN. Flip more pancakes, wonder why they are sticking, curse self for not just making WAFFLES… or cereal… cereal would be made by now. Done. No standing in the kitchen. Ponder my sanity and lack of sleep due to preschooler in my bed at 3 am.
8:00 am – Threaten progeny into setting the damn table. Return to kitchen to get plates of pancakes and glasses of milk.
8:05 am – Remember bacon damn it! Start turkey bacon in microwave while eating pancake standing in kitchen.
8:08 am – Tell progeny to NOT TOUCH THE CAT with syrup on their hands.
8:10 am – Retrieve bacon from microwave – nothing like the smell of turkey bacon. Go to pass out the bacon and be shocked that pancakes are completely consumed. Whatever, return to kitchen for coffee.
8:15 am – Tell offspring to stop fighting and to NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER with their syrupy cat fur covered hands. Tell them to pick up dishes in tone that makes them ACTUALLY do it. Return to kitchen for coffee. Think of how much I hate the school system for SPRING BREAK.
8:20 am – Remove cat from progenies’ hands. Absorb evil eye being directed at me from syrup sticky cat and tell offspring to take a bath. Return to kitchen for coffee… maybe it’ll get made this time.
8:21 am – Pick up explosion of clothes (and towel) in living room from excited for a bath progeny. Ponder why they aren’t still sleeping. Listen as they start the bath water. Take a moment to Hate K for still sleeping.
8:25 am – Pray the floor is dry in the bathroom as I go check on bath progress. See both offspring and the entire Barbie population in tub. Tell progeny to stop washing Babies’ hair with my body wash. Roll up eyes, walk out of bathroom to read news and drink coffee. Oh yes coffee! Must make coffee! Consider making voodoo dolls of school officials as retribution for SPRING BREAK.
8:26 am – Hear splashing from bathroom that fill my soul with dread. Walk back to bathroom and discover offspring and Barbies reenacting the sinking of Atlantis. Feel headache starting. Throw down towels to sop up mess, repeat threats to offspring. Head to laundry room for more towels.
8:30 am – Sit down to read news and curse school system for stupid fucking spring break.
8:40 am – After 5th trip to the bathroom to tell progeny to quiet down, remove them bodily from bath and instruct them to find clothes.
8:41 – 8:50 am – Repeat instructions to GET DRESSED. Repeat hating K for sleeping in. Repeat curses to school system. Damn Spring Break!
8:51 am – Remove naked offspring from banister and DRESS them. Consider Valium cookies for them. Consider heavy drinking for me.
AKA – Hell At The Hands Of The Tiny Terrorists
7:30 am – Awakened by small children gleefully screaming for my consciousness. Note to self, must explain to them that 7:30 am is not considered SLEEPING IN, it’s just considered waking up late.
7:35 am – Question offspring as to why she’s naked, look at her questioningly when she babbles something at me, then tell her to just get dressed as I walk to the kitchen to make breakfast.
7:40 am – Walk upstairs to ask K why he’s still at home since it’s almost 8 am!! Tell offspring to put on clothes again, tell other progeny to put the cat down.
7:41 am – Walk down the stairs while muttering ancient voodoo curses aimed toward K because he doesn’t have to be at work until 10:30am and he’s still SLEEPING. Consider sending offspring up to play with Daddy. Tell naked offspring to GET DRESSED NOW. Smack other progeny on the back of the head and free cat from her clutches amid her LOUD protests.
7:42 am – Remember breakfast when the smell of burning pancakes enters my nose. Swear loudly and run to kitchen. Announce that the black pancake is for DADDY with a giggle then wash out pan and start over.
7:43 am – Tell offspring they CAN play games on the lap top just so I don’t have to hear them scream at each other anymore or torture the poor cat. Decide that a towel wrapped around the naked offspring is close enough to clothes and go back to kitchen to finish making pancakes.
7:45 am – Tell offspring to start setting the table as I put rock hard margarine in the microwave for 10 seconds to soften it. Pour more batter in pan.
7:46 am – Remember now liquidified margarine in nuker, snap open door and proceed to spill half of the margarine in microwave, down my arm and on cooking pancake. Repeat the swearing loudly.
7:47 am – Tell offspring to set the table AGAIN. Flip more pancakes, wonder why they are sticking, curse self for not just making WAFFLES… or cereal… cereal would be made by now. Done. No standing in the kitchen. Ponder my sanity and lack of sleep due to preschooler in my bed at 3 am.
8:00 am – Threaten progeny into setting the damn table. Return to kitchen to get plates of pancakes and glasses of milk.
8:05 am – Remember bacon damn it! Start turkey bacon in microwave while eating pancake standing in kitchen.
8:08 am – Tell progeny to NOT TOUCH THE CAT with syrup on their hands.
8:10 am – Retrieve bacon from microwave – nothing like the smell of turkey bacon. Go to pass out the bacon and be shocked that pancakes are completely consumed. Whatever, return to kitchen for coffee.
8:15 am – Tell offspring to stop fighting and to NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER with their syrupy cat fur covered hands. Tell them to pick up dishes in tone that makes them ACTUALLY do it. Return to kitchen for coffee. Think of how much I hate the school system for SPRING BREAK.
8:20 am – Remove cat from progenies’ hands. Absorb evil eye being directed at me from syrup sticky cat and tell offspring to take a bath. Return to kitchen for coffee… maybe it’ll get made this time.
8:21 am – Pick up explosion of clothes (and towel) in living room from excited for a bath progeny. Ponder why they aren’t still sleeping. Listen as they start the bath water. Take a moment to Hate K for still sleeping.
8:25 am – Pray the floor is dry in the bathroom as I go check on bath progress. See both offspring and the entire Barbie population in tub. Tell progeny to stop washing Babies’ hair with my body wash. Roll up eyes, walk out of bathroom to read news and drink coffee. Oh yes coffee! Must make coffee! Consider making voodoo dolls of school officials as retribution for SPRING BREAK.
8:26 am – Hear splashing from bathroom that fill my soul with dread. Walk back to bathroom and discover offspring and Barbies reenacting the sinking of Atlantis. Feel headache starting. Throw down towels to sop up mess, repeat threats to offspring. Head to laundry room for more towels.
8:30 am – Sit down to read news and curse school system for stupid fucking spring break.
8:40 am – After 5th trip to the bathroom to tell progeny to quiet down, remove them bodily from bath and instruct them to find clothes.
8:41 – 8:50 am – Repeat instructions to GET DRESSED. Repeat hating K for sleeping in. Repeat curses to school system. Damn Spring Break!
8:51 am – Remove naked offspring from banister and DRESS them. Consider Valium cookies for them. Consider heavy drinking for me.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Cupcake Kisses
Nothing like half a tube of sparkly cupcake scented lip gloss smeared liberally on and around the lips of a 4 year old to totally put one off that particular tube of lip care product. And by put off I mean to make ones skin crawl at the very thought of (and attempt by) the above mentioned pre-schooler planting a big wet, sticky smootch on any exposed area of skin, making one smile fakely while wipeing said concoction from one’s body and deflecting pre-schooler by suggesting that the cat NEEDS a sparkly kiss. Yes, I am going to Hell. At least I won’t be suffering from a sparky lipgloss induced hallucination today.
Nothing like half a tube of sparkly cupcake scented lip gloss smeared liberally on and around the lips of a 4 year old to totally put one off that particular tube of lip care product. And by put off I mean to make ones skin crawl at the very thought of (and attempt by) the above mentioned pre-schooler planting a big wet, sticky smootch on any exposed area of skin, making one smile fakely while wipeing said concoction from one’s body and deflecting pre-schooler by suggesting that the cat NEEDS a sparkly kiss. Yes, I am going to Hell. At least I won’t be suffering from a sparky lipgloss induced hallucination today.
Randomness
I’m not dead, I’m just not getting online and when I am online I’m not visible and I’m not writing any pithy or witty or interesting because I’m not in that mood. I’m just here kind of crouched in the corner of the internet, watching but not being seen. Why? Fuck if I know. Maybe I need Prozac. Take up a collection, send me fun drugs. Or Coffee. And hot men.
Spring Break
Who’s this break for anyway? How I hate school holidays. Where exactly are my tax dollars going if my kid has a week out of every month off?? Well not quite, but it SEEMS like that. Year round school, that’s what I’m pulling for.Anyway, tomorrow starts my misery… er.. Spring Break! Tomorrow I’m looking forward to sleeping in, yet I can almost guarantee that one or both of the Tiny Terrorists will be up at or before 6:30 am making my life hell. Yea team. Last night they were in rare form. I suppose in preparation for the upcoming madness. Perhaps just because they were possessed by demonic spirits. Could be that they were being controlled by alien beings out to make my life hell. More likely they were just being BAD because their father wasn’t home. Yes. Lucky me. K had a test of some sort of useless mathematical shit to take and I had to use the whips and chains to subdue Chaos and Destruction as I threatened to remove their very existance from public record and memory just like the KGB. My threats and pleas were barely noticed as they continued their mission of terror. They were finally in bed a mere 10 minutes prior to K arriving home (an hour after he had told me to anticipate his arrival) after the 10 minutes of whineing and crying because of my steadfast refusal to walk up the stairs to tuck them in. I know, I’m such an ogre. Fuck off, my ankle is better but it still hurts to walk up and down stairs.
Coffe, Tea or Insanity?
Last night I didn’t make it out of the house early enough to make it to karaoke so Porn Star, Kermit and I went to Wally World then off to IHOP for coffee and insanity. We had three waiters last night. Shawn, Farm Boy and Smart Ass. It was fabulous. Shawn was training Farm Boy and Smart Ass was just being entertaining. We finally left as it was nearly 2 am (or was it after?) and Porn Star and I had consumed 3 pots of coffee between us. She swore she could feel her own heart beat and I knew I was about to vibrate into a parallel universe if I had even ONE more cup of coffee. All in all, a fabulous night.
Tasty Things and Not So Tasty Things
I had a Healthy Choice French Bread Pizza for lunch. Yuck. I didn’t enjoy it. But I bought it and since I spent the money it on it and it wasn’t just absolute ass, I had to eat it. Well that and the fact that we are out of bread, out of jelly, out of milk and I was just out of luck as far as lunch goes. It wasn’t very good Not very tasty.
But I did find something that is rather tasty. I found a tube of one of the Little People’s Lip Smacker lip gloss. It smells like cake frosting and makes me want to eat the whole tube, yet I know that it wouldn’t taste like fabulous cake frosting, probably just mildly sweet wax. Now I can’t stop thinking of cupcakes. I fear I may eat my lips by the end of the day.
Okay, I’m done. Shoo now. The burst of insanity is done. Move along, nothing to see here. Come back later and see if I’ve said anything impressive or witty or pithy… or if I’ve given in to my urge to eat the lip gloss and am hallucinating from the pretty sparkles in it.
I’m not dead, I’m just not getting online and when I am online I’m not visible and I’m not writing any pithy or witty or interesting because I’m not in that mood. I’m just here kind of crouched in the corner of the internet, watching but not being seen. Why? Fuck if I know. Maybe I need Prozac. Take up a collection, send me fun drugs. Or Coffee. And hot men.
Spring Break
Who’s this break for anyway? How I hate school holidays. Where exactly are my tax dollars going if my kid has a week out of every month off?? Well not quite, but it SEEMS like that. Year round school, that’s what I’m pulling for.Anyway, tomorrow starts my misery… er.. Spring Break! Tomorrow I’m looking forward to sleeping in, yet I can almost guarantee that one or both of the Tiny Terrorists will be up at or before 6:30 am making my life hell. Yea team. Last night they were in rare form. I suppose in preparation for the upcoming madness. Perhaps just because they were possessed by demonic spirits. Could be that they were being controlled by alien beings out to make my life hell. More likely they were just being BAD because their father wasn’t home. Yes. Lucky me. K had a test of some sort of useless mathematical shit to take and I had to use the whips and chains to subdue Chaos and Destruction as I threatened to remove their very existance from public record and memory just like the KGB. My threats and pleas were barely noticed as they continued their mission of terror. They were finally in bed a mere 10 minutes prior to K arriving home (an hour after he had told me to anticipate his arrival) after the 10 minutes of whineing and crying because of my steadfast refusal to walk up the stairs to tuck them in. I know, I’m such an ogre. Fuck off, my ankle is better but it still hurts to walk up and down stairs.
Coffe, Tea or Insanity?
Last night I didn’t make it out of the house early enough to make it to karaoke so Porn Star, Kermit and I went to Wally World then off to IHOP for coffee and insanity. We had three waiters last night. Shawn, Farm Boy and Smart Ass. It was fabulous. Shawn was training Farm Boy and Smart Ass was just being entertaining. We finally left as it was nearly 2 am (or was it after?) and Porn Star and I had consumed 3 pots of coffee between us. She swore she could feel her own heart beat and I knew I was about to vibrate into a parallel universe if I had even ONE more cup of coffee. All in all, a fabulous night.
Tasty Things and Not So Tasty Things
I had a Healthy Choice French Bread Pizza for lunch. Yuck. I didn’t enjoy it. But I bought it and since I spent the money it on it and it wasn’t just absolute ass, I had to eat it. Well that and the fact that we are out of bread, out of jelly, out of milk and I was just out of luck as far as lunch goes. It wasn’t very good Not very tasty.
But I did find something that is rather tasty. I found a tube of one of the Little People’s Lip Smacker lip gloss. It smells like cake frosting and makes me want to eat the whole tube, yet I know that it wouldn’t taste like fabulous cake frosting, probably just mildly sweet wax. Now I can’t stop thinking of cupcakes. I fear I may eat my lips by the end of the day.
Okay, I’m done. Shoo now. The burst of insanity is done. Move along, nothing to see here. Come back later and see if I’ve said anything impressive or witty or pithy… or if I’ve given in to my urge to eat the lip gloss and am hallucinating from the pretty sparkles in it.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
Monday Quiz Space Filler!
How true, how true.
| Your Stripper Song Is |
 The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang "Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about" When it comes to dancing, you let your freak flag fly! |
How true, how true.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Fat Ankle
This kind of shit only happens to me… Today as I was walking out of work, I sprained my ankle. Just walking, that’s all. RIGHT outside work. I swear I couldn’t have gone more than 30 steps out the door when it happened. LUCKILY K was there with me (with Tiny Terrorist in tow – in disguise as two mentally challenged circus monkeys dressed as clowns, he let them dress themselves) to drive me home . I thought I was going to chum right there as I stood there waiting for him to get the car though. It hurts, I’ll be fine, it just hurts.
The last time I sprained my ankle outside work it was much worse – yes I’ve done this before. My children are doomed! Doomed I tell you! Their father is a klutz also. Poor Super Girl has inherited out fucked up genetic predisposition to being a klutz too. She can trip over nothing (just like me). I silently apologize for that every time I see that kid trip.
Anyway, I’m medicated and heading off to elevate my ankle while taking a nap.
This kind of shit only happens to me… Today as I was walking out of work, I sprained my ankle. Just walking, that’s all. RIGHT outside work. I swear I couldn’t have gone more than 30 steps out the door when it happened. LUCKILY K was there with me (with Tiny Terrorist in tow – in disguise as two mentally challenged circus monkeys dressed as clowns, he let them dress themselves) to drive me home . I thought I was going to chum right there as I stood there waiting for him to get the car though. It hurts, I’ll be fine, it just hurts.
The last time I sprained my ankle outside work it was much worse – yes I’ve done this before. My children are doomed! Doomed I tell you! Their father is a klutz also. Poor Super Girl has inherited out fucked up genetic predisposition to being a klutz too. She can trip over nothing (just like me). I silently apologize for that every time I see that kid trip.
Anyway, I’m medicated and heading off to elevate my ankle while taking a nap.
Friday, March 03, 2006
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. – Fortune Cookie.
I really want to see a change in the pollution in the air that is eating the ozone, so I guess I had better stop farting.
I just had some fabulous Chinese food. My face is melting and my eyeballs are on fire, so it’s a good thing that my nose is running so very much, it may keep my hair from igniting.
I loves me some HOT and SPICY Chinese food. In fact that’s about the ONLY kind of Chinese food that I do like. I like it to the extreme. So very hot that it could cause brain damage, that the very smell of it causes nose hairs to become crinkly and singed, so hot that my freezer defrosts from the left overs. It’s a sickness really, if I order it hot and there is a little jar of super hot oil on the table, I WILL put it on my food prior to even tasting it. It’s crazy… because I know that not long into my sleep cycle I will be awakened with the nastiest and most painful case of reflux despite the extra acid blockers taken prior to ingesting the nuclear waste. AND even though I will have had this awful reflux, I will probably have this for breakfast tomorrow. Ahhh life is good!
I really want to see a change in the pollution in the air that is eating the ozone, so I guess I had better stop farting.
I just had some fabulous Chinese food. My face is melting and my eyeballs are on fire, so it’s a good thing that my nose is running so very much, it may keep my hair from igniting.
I loves me some HOT and SPICY Chinese food. In fact that’s about the ONLY kind of Chinese food that I do like. I like it to the extreme. So very hot that it could cause brain damage, that the very smell of it causes nose hairs to become crinkly and singed, so hot that my freezer defrosts from the left overs. It’s a sickness really, if I order it hot and there is a little jar of super hot oil on the table, I WILL put it on my food prior to even tasting it. It’s crazy… because I know that not long into my sleep cycle I will be awakened with the nastiest and most painful case of reflux despite the extra acid blockers taken prior to ingesting the nuclear waste. AND even though I will have had this awful reflux, I will probably have this for breakfast tomorrow. Ahhh life is good!
The Fun Just NEVER ENDS!
Mid day see seems fine. She naps her normal amount of time and seems okay. Then about 4 pm after she complains about her tummy hurting again, this time it seems quite sincere and not her normal Drama Queen act, instead of wanting to be held or getting special attention, she just wants to be left alone. 4:30 pm I start considering looking for coverage for work tomorrow instead of a baby sitter. K and I banter back and forth about what to do. 4:45 pm she stands up and chums right on the floor. Nothing like scrubbing vomit off the floor.
Well that settles the question of whether to take them to an actual DAY CARE for the weekend. Not only would it cost too much $80-90 for Saturday alone, but with a kid who might still be checkin’ the tires, it just wouldn’t work. Ahh, but ALL is not lost. My Bitch Petey has just earned himself some free garb. He will not only come GET the Tiny Terrorists but he will watch them tomorrow while K and I both work.
*update* Shit! It's like the fucking Exorcist! She just did it AGAIN!!! Where the hell did that come from!
*note:I totally stole the intersting phrasing for vomiting from my new favorite blog Living In A Dream. Go check her out, she's so fucking cool I wish she lived in town so we could get drunk together.
Mid day see seems fine. She naps her normal amount of time and seems okay. Then about 4 pm after she complains about her tummy hurting again, this time it seems quite sincere and not her normal Drama Queen act, instead of wanting to be held or getting special attention, she just wants to be left alone. 4:30 pm I start considering looking for coverage for work tomorrow instead of a baby sitter. K and I banter back and forth about what to do. 4:45 pm she stands up and chums right on the floor. Nothing like scrubbing vomit off the floor.
Well that settles the question of whether to take them to an actual DAY CARE for the weekend. Not only would it cost too much $80-90 for Saturday alone, but with a kid who might still be checkin’ the tires, it just wouldn’t work. Ahh, but ALL is not lost. My Bitch Petey has just earned himself some free garb. He will not only come GET the Tiny Terrorists but he will watch them tomorrow while K and I both work.
*update* Shit! It's like the fucking Exorcist! She just did it AGAIN!!! Where the hell did that come from!
*note:I totally stole the intersting phrasing for vomiting from my new favorite blog Living In A Dream. Go check her out, she's so fucking cool I wish she lived in town so we could get drunk together.
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