Birthday Flowers!


Aren't they lovely?!?!?!?!?! Thank you Sable! They made my day... even though I didn't have pants on when the Fed Ex guy banged on my door. So far this is the thrid time I've had a delivery guy banging on my door and I've been sans pants. What? Don't tell me I'm supposed to be wearing pants all the time. Even when I'm cleaning? I don't think I can vacuum with pants on. That's just crazy talk. Anyway... I love them! Birthday flowers rock.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!
Current mood: happy

It's after midnight, so it's now my BIRTHDAY! Woohoo!

Feel free to call me or leave a comment! No pressies necessary, just birthday wishes!

Sellin’ Pussy!

My youngest has an armload of stuffed cats and just asked me if I’d like to buy one. I asked her if she’s a cat sales man and she said yes. My 5 year old is selling pussy, what is this world coming to.

JUDYOLOGY 101
(idea swiped from La SEG – what are best friends for though?)

GRUB-OLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice?
It totally depends on my mood. A good Greek vinaigrette is fabulous, but other times it must be blue cheese or maybe ranch or possibly a tangy Italian.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco Bell

What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
Again, it totally depends on my mood! I love Alfredos for tasty (and cheap) Italian. The Melting Pot is so good and so much fun. Lawry’s has some AMAZING prime rib and damn I do love a good rare piece of meat! (heh, heh, meat, I said I like MEAT.) I could list at least 10 restaurants here so I’ll just stop now.

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
I don’t know, I’m kind of a bad tipper because I’m bad with math.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with tomatoes. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM.

Name three foods you detest above all others.
Thousand Island dressing (looks like puke people!), bell peppers and raw onions.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Mushroom, extra cheese and chicken.

What do you like to put on your toast?
I rarely ever eat toast. If I did I suppose it would be something hot and tasty, but he might say that was scratchy and complain. ;)

What is your favorite type of gum?
I don’t chew gum.

TECH-OLOGY

Number of contacts in your cell phone?
Fuck if I know, a lot.

Number of contacts in your email address book?
Again, I have no idea. Are you stalking me?

What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture from Scarby.

What is your screensaver on your computer?
Don’t have one.

Are there naked pictures saved on your computer?
Oh yeah.

How many land line phones do you have in your house?
One.

How many televisions are in your house?
2 though one is never watched.

What kitchen appliance do you use the least?
The bread maker.

What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most?
I really only listen to the radio in the car and it’s whatever isn’t playing a commercial or talking. I just want music. I listen to internet radio or dl’d music at home when I’m not listening to my progeny try to kill each other or torture the cats.

How many sex toys do you own that require batteries?
Dear gawd, I think you are stalking me. I have about 7… which may be over the legal limit for TX – what can I say, I like variety.

BI-OLOGY

What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
Just one? I have lovely hair and pretty eyes.

Are you right handed or left handed?
I'm a righty.

Do you like your smile?
ALL the TIME! Even when I was really self conscious about my braces I smiled a lot.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
My gallbladder. They said I’d never miss it… except emotionally.

Would you like to get something removed?
My cold black heart. Kidding. Lipo to remove some fat.

Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom?
Dude, I have two kids. If I didn’t read in the bathroom I’d never ever have time to read.

Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
ummm… touch maybe. May I touch you?

When was the last time you had a cavity?
Hmmmm... I can’t remember, maybe in high school.

What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
ME! I can do two sets of wimpy girl push ups, but I’m proud of that.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
YES.

MISC-OLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Nope. That would just make me worry a lot.

If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
Nope, it’s a stupid name but I’m used to it.

How do you express your artistic side?
I draw, I paint, I sew, I dress people’s dogs up in clothes… it’s in everything I do.

What color do you think you look best in?
Camo! And black. ;)

How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
Eh, is it really any different from being stuck at home with two kids?

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
Yes. No comment…

If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Well actually I do have a few really hot cousins, but we aren’t related by blood so I guess I still could tap that if I got them drunk enough. ;)

How often do you go to church?
Not often enough to alleviate my guilt.

Have you ever saved someones life?
No.

Has someone ever saved yours?
Yes, a police officer.

DARE-OLOGY

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
Dude, really… all you’d have to do is get me drunk enough and I would do it.

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Yes! I did it for free this past Saturday – where’s my $100???

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Depends on if I was put under when they did it or not. Hehe… not really, fuck you, I like my fingers!

Would you never blog again for $50,000?
hmmmm not sure. I like to blog.

Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Sure, I’d have to approve the photos and ask for a LOT of editing and shading, etc. be done. ;)

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Fuck yeah.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No.

Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
Yes, I’d wax my entire body now if someone else would pay for it! The $5,000 would be for me to shave my head and buy me a wig.

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
I haven’t watched TV for the last 3 (no cable, no tv reception) so, whatever – give me my $25,000 already!.

The Miseducation Of Chaos And Destruction


School starts in less than a week. Im so happy. Lucky for my offspring its been an educational summer *HAH!*

The progeny think they can speak Korean. Why do they think this you may be asking yourself? No its not from taking them to the local Korean restaurant to often (is there even one in my area??), its from them playing on the computer. They have found a paper doll site that is Korean and they LOVE it. And they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the song that plays on the site and oh how they LOVE to sing along with the song until I feel like my ears are about to bleed and I tell them that if they dont shut up at that very moment I will *duct tape them both to the stairs for the remainder of the day. Its a beautiful thing.

My offspring think they can also speak Spanish because they watch Dora The Explorer occasionally and play the Dora The Explorer games. This worries me much more than them singing along badly in Korean as we live in TEXAS which has a HUGE Spanish speaking population and I can just see them getting their asses kicked for pretending to speak Spanish. I would think they would realize they CANT speak Spanish since the beginning of the summer was punctuated with a family event of which their Spanish speaking Latino/Latina cousins were present. The look of WTF are you saying to me whitey? from all the Hispanic children (including the 2 year old) should have convinced them to drop that shit.

They've also learned exactly which buttons to push to get themselves grounded. This is something I think is important to know so as to NOT push those buttons and end up grounded. Yet my progeny dont seem to share that sentiment as they push those buttons on a regular basis. I believe this will be remembered for them as the Summer of Grounding. Whatever, it builds character, right?

And thats about it, the summer is almost over and I am anxiously counting down the days until school starts. Im not quite certain if Im more excited about my birthday this Friday or them starting school on Monday!

Hyena's Comedy Club Photos

| View | Add Favorite

Luau Photos
AKA The Drunk Judy Project

| View | Add Favorite

Oh No You Di-n’t!

I’ve been TAGGED! (boy that little clamp thing on the ear really hurts! Radio collar isn’t to bad though…)
“Rules: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things/habits about themselves. People who get tagged have to write a blog of their own of their own 6 weird things/habits as well as clearly state this rule. At the end you need to choose 6 people and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "Tag you're it!" and tell them to read your blog.”
Damn you Cin, I thought you liked me! ;-)

1- I think I’m taller than I actually am and then I’m terribly shocked to see how very short I really am.

2- I was bit by a dog once. I was 3. The dog was a weiner dog and it bit me on the big toe. No I’m not kidding.

3- I don’t know how to ride a bike. I’m not likely to learn either, I fear falling down and hurting myself (mostly my pride).

4- I eat M&M’s/cookies/etc. in even numbers. I don’t know why, but it has to be that way or I’ll spontaneously combust. I also match the colors of the M&M’s.

5- Though I fear and loath most bugs, I adore the cicada and crickets.

6- I’ve only had orange cats for the past 20 years of my life.

Now, here are the people I shall tag:
Shana
Luna
Dawn
Wynde
Kent
Angelina
Dora
What? So I can’t count… I figured there was plenty of love to go around ;)

Photos from the LUAU to come SOON! Stay Tuned!

Hair Change

Hot in Pink!


Glowing Green!


What do you think? Should I buy the pink dye or the green dye?

ALSO
Apparently my stalker has decided he doesn't want me to stab him the scrote. His 6:30 am phone call yesterday was not followed by one this morning. And really, who the hell is spankin' the monkey at 6:30 AM?? Or 4 am? Why would anyone be up choking thier chicken at 4 am?!?!? Whatever, just don't call me if you are doing it.

Who Wants To Help Me Hide A Body?

That ASSHOLE called my phone at 4 am today! 4 in the fucking morning! This shits not funny. It’s making me an even crankier bitch than usual. Part of me is really REALLY thankful that he doesn’t know where I live. Although… that might have been a good way to have his own stupidity take care of him – I’m sure my neighbor the *ahem* ‘former’ gang member would be more than helpful if I asked him to… after all he has already told me that if anyone causes trouble, he’d be more than willing to take care of things (I believe the phrase he used was “I’ll come out here with my glock in one hand and my cock in the other. I’ll take care of they ass.”)

Honestly, I just wish he’d STOP calling and forget about me or whatever! Sheesh, now why can’t I be this unforgettable to the guys I DO like???

What Your Underwear Says About You

Admit it, you've dreamed of being a underwear model. You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Random Things Said In My Presence

Enjoy the movie… because you can’t get a refund. I mean you can’t get your money back so you might as well enjoy the movie, that’s all.

Her (while watching LOTR): What is he looking for?
Her 2: His creamsicle.
Me: What??????

ME: okay I need to go to bed
THEM: bed is over rated unless there is someone in it
ME: so true, sooooo true

Well I don’t want to trash it up. Fat pregnant hooker look isn't what I want right now.

So I'm white trashed OUT. It’s ubber sexy.

HAMMY: Damn the sperm!

Other Things

I’m lazy, I’m busy, I’m out of touch and under sexed. I haven’t blogged and whatever, I’ll get to it in a while. I have to make a baby quilt this week. I’m such a procrastinator, I’ll be sewing it Friday if I don’t get off my ass and get it started now. It should be delightfully adorable and goth and doesn’t that just sound like a weird combination for a baby quilt? Who cares, Claire will love it. All black and red and silver with little skulls and stuff.

On the Crazy Front

And for once I’m not referring to a family member or close friend. Some men need ball sacks stapled to desk. Apparently I’m being stalked in a passive aggressive manner by a guy I went out with ONCE a couple of months ago. I found him to be intellectually inferior (i.e. fucking stupid) despite being physically appealing to the eye and that is a sin I can not forgive and can not date. So I stopped taking his phone calls. He kept calling but I didn’t answer. The last such ignored phone call was a week or so ago. Yesterday morning my cell phone rang at 6:45 am. It said PRIVATE and that piqued my curiosity so I answered it. What I heard was heavy breathing of someone engaged in some type of masturbatory activity. I thought it was kind of funny and I THOUGHT it was someone else trying to be funny. The call lasted maybe 3 minutes then the caller hung up. Later that morning I asked the ‘someone else’ about the call and he pleaded ignorance and then I was instantly creeped out and disgusted which amused the hell out of him. This morning my phone rang at 5 am! Again with the heavy breathing. This time I said “Who is this?” and the person started saying something about sucking his cock… or maybe sorting his socks… not sure… it was 5 am and I was PISSED about being woken up. I hung up. ASSHOLE calls RIGHT back, I hit ignore and went back to bed. I recognized the voice as the moron from the one date. If he wakes me up again with the sounds of him pulling his pud I will be forced to drive to his house and stab him in the scrot. Don’t think I won’t.

Is It To Early To Start Drinking?

Fuck, some days I think I should just stay in bed. *sigh*

So I'm cleaning my kitchen and I see my long neglected empty fish tank. I decide that I really want fish this year for my birthday, better clean out the tank and get it ready for occupation. I take it down and clean everything. Then I put all the air hoses and stuff back in, fill it half way and decide it would go ahead and turn on the hoses to see if all the air stuff still worked. I plug in the power strip they are plugged into and nothing happens. I unplug things and fiddle with things, then plug back in. Nothing. I press the reset button on the outlet and plug back in. Nothing. More fiddling, then I go into the living room and see my computer screen is black. Damn it, I figured I popped the circut so I go into the laundry room and randmomly flip switches in the box. Come out, computer still off. Reset the VCR and TV for the kids go back to the laundry room, flip switches with purpose. Come out, computer is still OFF. Reset VCR and TV and try again with the flipping of the switches. Nothing. DAMN IT! I must have blown a fuse. Now the computer and all is plugged into an extension cord and I must call the maintenance to come fix the fuse. *sigh* I need a drink now.

Jewish Sex

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and
she screamed for five full minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts,
"Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over
with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for
fifteen minutes." The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I
also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken
fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours." The
Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have
possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?" The Jewish man
says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread,"

Oy, I'm so Vakelmpt, Talk among-stah yaselves.

Interesting Dragon Fly


I saw this lovely buggie flying around my townhouse yesterday, in fact their were two of them flying aroudn the court yard. I loved the wings so much I had to chase them around for 5 minutes to get two photos!

Later: K messaged me with this: the dragonfly in question is a "Libellual Subornata" aka The Desert Whitetale.

Thank you K!

Assurance

Yesterday when I told my offspring that they needed to take a bath, I was met with an unusual amount of resistance to the prospect as they were certain the BIG BUG was still occupying space in the bathroom. I assured them that the bathroom was now a BUG FREE zone and that I had in fact paid out 8 bug bait/poison thingies that had started to *KILL WITHIN HOURS of me setting them out. Before either of them would acquiesce to bathe in my bathroom I had to point out each and every bait/poison thingie to each progeny separately. THEN and only THEN were they satisfied of the bug-free-ness of the room. *according to the big letters on the packaging.

Summer

Lucky for me the Tiny Terrorists summer break ends SOON! (Though not SOON enough.) In celebration of the nearing END to my torture, I have consistently been making a point to sleep IN (past 7 am is sleeping in here) and have managed to avoid anyone in this household (save K) getting dressed prior to noon! We’ve also managed to watch copious amounts of cartoons (JLA) and avoided doing ANYTHING with a deadline! It’s fabulous.

And on that note, I must go for the moment… my spot on the sofa is getting cold. ;-)

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You scored as III - The Empress. The Empress is a maternal symbol. She is the mother figure who loves, nurtures and protects. She will protect you, she will always be there when you are in trouble. When you fall over and graze your knee, the Empress will kiss it better. Yet she is not a weak figure. Her compassion is strength. If her children are threatened she will stop at nothing to protect them. If well aspected in a Tarot spread, the Empress can symbolise security, protection and unconditional love. If badly aspected it can represent over-protectiveness, fear of risk taking and refusal to face the real world. III - The Empress 94% II - The High Priestess 81% XIII: Death 81% IV - The Emperor 81% VI: The Lovers 69% XVI: The Tower 69% XI: Justice 63% XIX: The Sun 63% VIII - Strength 56% I - Magician 56% 0 - The Fool 50% XV: The Devil 38% X - Wheel of Fortune 31% Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Overkill?

Last week I mentioned the BIG BUG in my bathroom that frightened The Little People so much that they chose to avoid my bathroom at ALL COSTS. I personally was scared shitless by the bug also, but had refused to do anything about the bug for two reasons 1 – I’m a big pussy in this area and just won’t squish a big nasty bug unless I absolutely have to, I prefer to either spray the hell out of it with whatever can of spray stuff is available and at hand or just practice ACTIVE AVOIDANCE (as in walk out of the room, close the door, nail it shut, seal all the cracks and brick it in… at least mentally that’s what I do, my desperate lack of building materials and experience keeps me from doing that) and 2 – I figured that if the BIG BUG scared the kids enough to make them stay OUT of my bathroom, then maybe I could strike a pact with it to keep the kids OUT of my bathroom – I figured if I refrained from spraying it and let it hide behind the trash bin, only to venture out when the offspring were in the bathroom and would run back to hiding when I made a presence, then I wouldn’t do anything drastic. It seemed somewhat insane but somehow reasonable.

Friday I ran a bath to shave my legs for my date later. Because I have progeny, I rarely EVER get to bathe solo if they are in the house. My oldest progeny ventured into the bathroom and stated that she would bathe with me, whatever, fine. She then questioned me as to whether I was afraid of the BIG BUG (no) and what would I do if it got in my bath (it won’t) and all that crap. I finally asked her to hush about the bug and went about shaving my legs. I finished and was about to tell Super Girl to wash her hair when I felt something brush my arm, I turned to look and lo and behold the BIG BUG was IN MY BATH WATER! Holy FUCK! I yelped something like “Gaaahhaghh! The BIG BUG!” and hauled my ass out of the water in record time. I think my offspring jumped from the tub all the way to my bed without ever having her feet touch the floor. Now the BIG BUG was on my bath pillow so I instructed Super Girl to go get the Napalm (bug spray) out of the kitchen as I stood there wide eyed staring at it. I must have sprayed half the can of bug spray on that fucker and decided that since I’d NEVER be taking a bath in THAT TUB EVER AGAIN, that the bath pillow would accompany the BIG BUG to his grave in the dumpster. Just glad I was FINISHED with the razor when the BIG BUG dive bombed me or I’d probably have amputated one of my legs!

Saturday we went shopping, I stopped at the poison section and carefully considered my options. I purchased a box of bug poison/bait traps. Today I’ve scrubbed my bathroom and put out ALL 8 of the traps in MY bathroom. Do you think that’s overkill or should I get another box?

Read The Directions First

Because that one about using Tilex in a well ventilated room isn't just to fill up space on the label - it's also a good idea! I think I've killed off several brain cells this morning... but that bathroom grout is sparkling!

I HEART WalMart!

Where else am I going to see a baby with a spiked mohawk in the middle of the day?

Where else am I going to have a woman with 5 bratty kids glare at me because one of my children dared walk in front of her basket?

Where else am I going to end up boxed in by old people while looking for migraine medicine?

Where else am I going to be able to get Kool-aid AND poison and only have to be approved to by the BATHROOM CLEANER? (Jim Jones eat your heart out.)

Summer Vacation…

With summer vacation coming to an end soon, people keep asking me “So, how are you liking summer vacation?” I know they THINK they are being funny, but in reality they are just ASKING for me to remove their still beating heart with a very dull spoon and show it to them before throwing their lifeless body off an over pass. Really, they are.

Back in May as summer vacation quickly approached I had delirious hopes of schedules and crafts and play dates and fun adventures. Towards the end of May I was back in the REAL world, dreading the start of summer vacation just like all the other parents. I’m not sure why I thought it would be dreamy and fantastic when the two week Winter Insanity break usually leaves me needing a 12 step program by day 3. At that point I made a half-hearted attempt to find summer activities to sign up my offspring for and to give me some much needed peace and quiet. Sadly all the day labor places refuse to take them based on age and lack of experience and all the child labor places were already full up with Cathy Lee’s work force. Damn it. I was even willing to forfeit their ‘generous’ pay in lieu of having to pack them a lunch every day.

I realized that I was now going to be forced to entertain my own children for the whole fucking summer. At that point I could see a Betty Ford Treatment center vacation for me in August. Luckily things have turned out much better than anticipated. I haven’t had the urge every day to drink an entire bottle of vodka for breakfast (I try to keep that just for special occasions or 3 times a week, whatever comes first) and I stopped gun and ammo shopping online after the 3rd week. I’ve also almost completely stopped waking up screaming at nights.

This summer has afforded my offspring many exciting challenges and adventures and has taught me that occasionally I’m much more patient than I ever thought. It’s been educational for my progeny, though not in the ways I had anticipated.

The first wonderful incident… er… um... adventure, was the painting project for my grandmother’s 75th birthday. D and I spent a whole fucking week crouched over a tiny table full of paint bottles and glitter as the offspring occasionally painted with us but mostly just made messes and watched DVD’s. Very educational also, they learned that hard work pays off and as long as mommy is busy they can watch as many DVD’s as they want and probably eat all of the popsicles before mom notices.

Next was the fabulous day trip to Burnett to spend time with family and celebrate the grandmother’s 75th birthday. Dear gawd make it stop! The offspring got to spend time with some cousins they never get to see and mommy got to down 5 vodka tonics and 2 shots of premium vodka and still wouldn’t let them have a whole Coke to drink. What did they learn? Aunt D can’t always talk her way out of a ticket, Grandma has scary psychotic dogs, Grandpa talks a lot and drinks a lot, mommy drinks a lot around family and HOLY FUCK the spiders are HUGE out there!

And the next week was Help A Sista’ Out week! That was the week I got to help D move from one apartment to the next. Yeah that was great. What did they learn? Mommy is a bitch and orders everyone around.

The next week was take a little break week and let’s clean this fucking apartment week. During that week their room was completely cleaned through forced slave labor of my own offspring. Let me just tell you. They hated every minute of it. What did they learn? Not only is mommy a bitch who orders everyone around, but so is Aunt D!

Interspersed with all this exciting adventure has been dog watching (YAY Coco!), swimming, camping and tubing, many days of being grounded, steaming cleaning the carpet, walks in the park, 100 million questions a day (at least half the same damn question), a birthday party complete with bad pizza and good rides and the daily counting of the days until school starts (by me) and daily fights between the offspring. Hey, I never said this was the happiest place on earth did I?

Things I’ve learned for next year:

• I need to start on antidepressants about a month before school ends… if not within days of school starting.

• I need to sign up the kids for summer activities sooner than the middle of MAY.

• I really need to secure ‘vacation’ time for the kids with some foolish family member for next summer – I really REALLY miss them being gone for a week to visit Grandma (damn the luck that my grandmother would be in declining health now that she’s 75, that’s very inconsiderate of her ya know).

• I need to start on antidepressants sooner… on did I already mention that… hmmm... go figure.

• My kids will NEVER stop having NAP time. I don’t care if they are 30; I’m still putting them down for a nap every day.

Seriously, it hasn’t been horrible; though I am SOOO looking forward to the start of school it’s almost criminal.

Must run, gotta start on that second bottle of Vodka before they wake from naps.