Happy Friday The 13th Birthday To Cabbage Patch!!
Today is the actual birthday of my youngest offspring. Last Saturday we had her oh so fun birthday party, at a local park. As the day approached, I was mildly worried about the weather as it had been raining for like a month straight or something insane like that in a place where even GETTING rain in the month of July is such a rare occurrence that most people would have a party for that reason alone. But not this year, for some reason – global warming/depleted ozone/nuclear fall out/Commies/apocalyptic storm/celestial grudge/Republicans in office – the area has been getting torrential amounts of rain and as of a week ago today, we hadn’t had a dry day in a while. Not that it mattered; I was still going to have the party at the park. I had a large pavilion reserved, games for kids to play and a fucking scary huge Dora The Explorer piñata chocked full of crap! We were having that party! (Oh yeah, I also did not have a back up plan.)
Saturday arrived with no rain! About 10 am, I realized that this was the first absolutely perfect rain free day we’d had in a while and that we better get our asses in gear and to the park before other people realized it and decided to have a picnic at the pavilion I reserved. I would not hesitate to put the throw down on someone – I had a fucking scary huge Dora The Explorer and I would not be denied my pavilion!
We arrived about 11 am and started setting up amid a chorus of whiny voices claiming to be bored and wanting to go to the splash pad RIGHT THEN. Set up was pretty quick, even with K having to go back home to get the bag of stuff we forgot. With 10 minutes before guests were to arrive the ever so bored Tiny Terrorists took to sitting RIGHT IN FRONT of the cake and peeking into the box.
Okay, I know… Boring you! I’m boring myself. Let me cut to the interesting parts…
Water Balloons!
This actually only took place between the Tiny Terrorist and their cousin as no one else had shown up yet. I made the game interesting (for me) by making the rule that the Little People could not throw the water balloons at any grown up. The dads made their own rule by yelling to not throw them near the grill. Whatever, I had fun pelting the Little People.
Pin The Tail On The Donkey
A perfect game for the 8 and under crowd and great for a group of 6 of them. Shortly before people arrived, I realized I had forgotten the PRIZES for the game! My only hope was that none of them had actually PLAYED the game and KNEW about that part. And as luck would have it – they hadn’t! I was quite amused when I put the blindfold on each one and they said “Hey! I can’t see!” I kept repeating “You aren’t supposed to!” It was quite amusing to watch them – they played the game three times before I got bored and shoved them off towards other things.
Kill Dora!
Anticipating that the overstuffed Dora piñata would explode in a shower of candy and plastic trinkets early on, I let Cabbage Patch be the first to smack Dora. My anticipations were quite wrong. Despite the fact that Dora was merely taped with Scotch tape, she held on for 2 and a half rounds of beatings. Moreover, to be quite honest it looked more like a lynching than anything else… Dora strung up in a tree being beaten with a stick for other people’s amusement… sick really… but I digress. When she did finally succumb to the torture and give up her sugary booty, it was hilarious to watch the kids – who had to actually be TOLD to PICK UP the candy!
CAKE!
Everybody loves cake!
Between each of these events, my oldest was afflicted with a severe whining flu to which I had to tell her that if she didn’t stop the whining that the rabid squirrels in the park would come running out of the trees and eat her brain. She didn’t believe me.
Sadly, I did not stay to see the kids play on the splash pad as I left the party abruptly after serving cake so as to not make the party memorable in a really BAD way. I apologize to everyone at the party for my seemingly rude behavior but I felt horrible. Thank you all who brought her gifts despite the invite clearly saying NO PRESENTS. We’ll be getting out Thank You cards soon.
Anyway… I must force my children to get dressed now that they are clean. Have a delightful Friday the 13th!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
Helping Bring A Touch Of Hate To Every Day
My offspring hate me from time to time every day. It’s healthy for them. It makes them appreciate the HAPPY times even more. I do what I can since I’m not raising my children in abject poverty and neglect. Just extreme sarcasm with a touch of smart-assness. Lately my offspring have been developing their own sarcasm and I can not tell you the intense pride I feel… well when it’s not directed at ME, because when it is directed at me then I just get the urge to ground them until they are 30 or so. My youngest progeny just this morning replied my request for help making breakfast with a curt “I’m not your personal chef!” My urge to shove her into the oven was quickly over rode by admiration as I’ve said that exact line or a variation to her just about every day for the past few years. The elder of the progeny has developed the ability to roll her eyes. Usually at me. Which just pisses me off, so I guess she’s succeeded in mission. Though I often wonder if her mission is to set a record for the child who has spent the most time standing in the corner. Cabbage Patch is still working on her eye rolling technique, smartly she has chosen to practice on her sister and not in response to me. I’m very proud of both of them as I hadn’t developed these talents until I was at least 9.
Damn Menopausal Computer
Fucking computer of mine. It’s still having heat issues. K left recently to go procure my computer a new fan as I have yet to locate the Estrogen program for the computer. And just like a tempermental computer, it’s working FINE since he walked out the door. I hate this computer some days. (K brought home a brand fan with a brand new SUPER screwdriver and I installed it all by myself! The fan, not the screwdriver… I used the screwdriver to install the fan silly!)
72 Months Old!
That’s right, my youngest Tiny Terrorist turns 72 months on the 13th! Woohoo! What? Did you have to get a calculator to figure out that she would be 6?!?!?!?! Well so did I… actually I had to use the calculator to figure out the month part, but WHATEVER! Back to me and my HATE. I absolutely HATE it when people refer to their child’s age in months after they are about a year and a half to 2 years old. Come on people! If your kid can actually tell someone they are 2 or 3 then stop looking like an obsessive compulsive totally neurotic child absorbed nitwit and stop with the month thing. Nobody but you gives a fuck how old your child is to the EXACT month. Next thing you’ll say is that you keep track of exactly how many times your kid takes a shit during the day! (please, don’t tell me if you do… I don’t need to know about your sick fetishes.)
(*Dude! I totally suck! I just hit my kid in the head with the telephone. It was an ACCIDENT! Stop looking at me like that!)
Gag Me!
Nothing is more disgusting than dog barf! Yes, dog barf trumps even cat vomit for grossness. Yesterday right after a nap on the sofa Coco decided to hurl on a sock on the floor. It was so vile I did the only thing I could do. Which was yell for K to come clean up the dog barf. No really, it was that bad – worse than any of the times my progeny has spewed on me. Then I told him to just throw away the sock because I couldn’t imagine ever being able to wear it again even if it was washed and bleached a few dozen times (well that and it wouldn’t fit me anyway – not my sock!).
Okay, that’s enough hate for one day. I’ll be back soon with the recap of Cabbage Patch’s birthday and all the toys that give me the urge to disembowel the person who purchased them for my offspring. I know! You can’t wait!!!
My offspring hate me from time to time every day. It’s healthy for them. It makes them appreciate the HAPPY times even more. I do what I can since I’m not raising my children in abject poverty and neglect. Just extreme sarcasm with a touch of smart-assness. Lately my offspring have been developing their own sarcasm and I can not tell you the intense pride I feel… well when it’s not directed at ME, because when it is directed at me then I just get the urge to ground them until they are 30 or so. My youngest progeny just this morning replied my request for help making breakfast with a curt “I’m not your personal chef!” My urge to shove her into the oven was quickly over rode by admiration as I’ve said that exact line or a variation to her just about every day for the past few years. The elder of the progeny has developed the ability to roll her eyes. Usually at me. Which just pisses me off, so I guess she’s succeeded in mission. Though I often wonder if her mission is to set a record for the child who has spent the most time standing in the corner. Cabbage Patch is still working on her eye rolling technique, smartly she has chosen to practice on her sister and not in response to me. I’m very proud of both of them as I hadn’t developed these talents until I was at least 9.
Damn Menopausal Computer
Fucking computer of mine. It’s still having heat issues. K left recently to go procure my computer a new fan as I have yet to locate the Estrogen program for the computer. And just like a tempermental computer, it’s working FINE since he walked out the door. I hate this computer some days. (K brought home a brand fan with a brand new SUPER screwdriver and I installed it all by myself! The fan, not the screwdriver… I used the screwdriver to install the fan silly!)
72 Months Old!
That’s right, my youngest Tiny Terrorist turns 72 months on the 13th! Woohoo! What? Did you have to get a calculator to figure out that she would be 6?!?!?!?! Well so did I… actually I had to use the calculator to figure out the month part, but WHATEVER! Back to me and my HATE. I absolutely HATE it when people refer to their child’s age in months after they are about a year and a half to 2 years old. Come on people! If your kid can actually tell someone they are 2 or 3 then stop looking like an obsessive compulsive totally neurotic child absorbed nitwit and stop with the month thing. Nobody but you gives a fuck how old your child is to the EXACT month. Next thing you’ll say is that you keep track of exactly how many times your kid takes a shit during the day! (please, don’t tell me if you do… I don’t need to know about your sick fetishes.)
(*Dude! I totally suck! I just hit my kid in the head with the telephone. It was an ACCIDENT! Stop looking at me like that!)
Gag Me!
Nothing is more disgusting than dog barf! Yes, dog barf trumps even cat vomit for grossness. Yesterday right after a nap on the sofa Coco decided to hurl on a sock on the floor. It was so vile I did the only thing I could do. Which was yell for K to come clean up the dog barf. No really, it was that bad – worse than any of the times my progeny has spewed on me. Then I told him to just throw away the sock because I couldn’t imagine ever being able to wear it again even if it was washed and bleached a few dozen times (well that and it wouldn’t fit me anyway – not my sock!).
Okay, that’s enough hate for one day. I’ll be back soon with the recap of Cabbage Patch’s birthday and all the toys that give me the urge to disembowel the person who purchased them for my offspring. I know! You can’t wait!!!
Friday, July 06, 2007
E I, EI, Oooooooooooooo!
Apparently small alien children from Copperhead Planet are serious animal lovers and love to pretend they are farmers and introduce their brand new duck to their old pig. And now Piggy and Ducky (I know, real original names) are in love because interspecies love is not frowned upon by the inhabitants of Copperhead Planet.
The NEW pet/toy ducky was purchased today after trying to talk her out of having this rather ugly dog toy. Yes, yes, my prodigy BEGGED for a dog toy and YES she knew it was a dog toy but she had to have the damn duck. On the tag it says ‘free as a bird’ but my Tiny Terrorist insisted it should have said ‘free as a DUCK’.
My only question is, where will they live? A sty or a nest? Woman usually get to pull a lot of the strings on that one so it could really be a nest, but Piggy is older (like 20 or so years old!) and more set in his ways so I could see him insisting on a sty. I guess it won’t really matter until they decide on kids. I hope they adopt.
Apparently small alien children from Copperhead Planet are serious animal lovers and love to pretend they are farmers and introduce their brand new duck to their old pig. And now Piggy and Ducky (I know, real original names) are in love because interspecies love is not frowned upon by the inhabitants of Copperhead Planet.
The NEW pet/toy ducky was purchased today after trying to talk her out of having this rather ugly dog toy. Yes, yes, my prodigy BEGGED for a dog toy and YES she knew it was a dog toy but she had to have the damn duck. On the tag it says ‘free as a bird’ but my Tiny Terrorist insisted it should have said ‘free as a DUCK’.
My only question is, where will they live? A sty or a nest? Woman usually get to pull a lot of the strings on that one so it could really be a nest, but Piggy is older (like 20 or so years old!) and more set in his ways so I could see him insisting on a sty. I guess it won’t really matter until they decide on kids. I hope they adopt.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Happiness Is a Piñata As Tall As You Are And Loaded With Crap!
The youngest of the Tiny Terrorists is quite happy. D took her to the Hispanic areas of town yesterday and let her select her own piñata which turned out to be a bigger than life Dora The Explorer, it’s literally as tall as her and has a head that’s 3 times as big as hers– let me tell you, it’s fucking SCARY. In addition, she is fully loaded, when that thing splits open, I hope all the children are standing clear, I would hate for any one of them to get a massive blunt force head trauma from the sheer weight of candy spewing from Dora’s head.
Yesterday we also selected which cake will be adding to the sugar buzz for the wee people this weekend. After looking through the book twice, Cabbage Patch finally decided on a Go Diego, Go! cake, as Diego is Dora’s cousin and is wildly popular with my progeny who actually believe they can speak Spanish after watching a few episodes of that back to back. I cannot say I wasn’t slightly disappointed she decided to forgo the adorable Tinkerbelle cake or the labor-intensive castle cake, but it appears she’s choosing her own theme in her own haphazard way.
Menopausal Computer
My computer is having ‘issues’. Hot flashes. It’s horrible. Temperamental old bitch! Until K gets a new fan for her, I’ll only be on sporadically so don’t think I’m ignoring you if I don’t answer, I’m probably just curled up in a fetal position weeping about my computer issues. Or doing laundry.
Cat Talk
You would think Sunshine would learn, but no. This morning as I finished my cereal and soymilk:
Sunshine, leaping onto the computer desk looking hopeful: Can I have the last of your milk?!?!?!?!?!
Me, shaking head and offering bowl to cat.
Sunshine, looking shocked: Ewww! That is not milk!
Me: *smirks*
Sunshine: *moves spoon in my other hand closer with paw and sniffs* Not milk!
Me: Same as yesterday.
Sunshine: *looking deeply offended* This situation is intolerable. You aren’t funny. Have fun guessing which pair of shoes I crapped in. *jumps off computer desk and flicks tail at me* I hate you.
Ahhh I’m so glad we have these moments.
The youngest of the Tiny Terrorists is quite happy. D took her to the Hispanic areas of town yesterday and let her select her own piñata which turned out to be a bigger than life Dora The Explorer, it’s literally as tall as her and has a head that’s 3 times as big as hers– let me tell you, it’s fucking SCARY. In addition, she is fully loaded, when that thing splits open, I hope all the children are standing clear, I would hate for any one of them to get a massive blunt force head trauma from the sheer weight of candy spewing from Dora’s head.
Yesterday we also selected which cake will be adding to the sugar buzz for the wee people this weekend. After looking through the book twice, Cabbage Patch finally decided on a Go Diego, Go! cake, as Diego is Dora’s cousin and is wildly popular with my progeny who actually believe they can speak Spanish after watching a few episodes of that back to back. I cannot say I wasn’t slightly disappointed she decided to forgo the adorable Tinkerbelle cake or the labor-intensive castle cake, but it appears she’s choosing her own theme in her own haphazard way.
Menopausal Computer
My computer is having ‘issues’. Hot flashes. It’s horrible. Temperamental old bitch! Until K gets a new fan for her, I’ll only be on sporadically so don’t think I’m ignoring you if I don’t answer, I’m probably just curled up in a fetal position weeping about my computer issues. Or doing laundry.
Cat Talk
You would think Sunshine would learn, but no. This morning as I finished my cereal and soymilk:
Sunshine, leaping onto the computer desk looking hopeful: Can I have the last of your milk?!?!?!?!?!
Me, shaking head and offering bowl to cat.
Sunshine, looking shocked: Ewww! That is not milk!
Me: *smirks*
Sunshine: *moves spoon in my other hand closer with paw and sniffs* Not milk!
Me: Same as yesterday.
Sunshine: *looking deeply offended* This situation is intolerable. You aren’t funny. Have fun guessing which pair of shoes I crapped in. *jumps off computer desk and flicks tail at me* I hate you.
Ahhh I’m so glad we have these moments.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Cats Don’t Like Soy Milk
That’s one of the most amazing things I’ve learned over the weekend. My cat Sunshine was deeply disappointed at the point that I stopped eating cereal and milk when I became lactose intolerant. Recently I’ve discovered a soy milk that doesn’t taste like ass so I’m back to cereal and milk for breakfast. Which falsesly raised the hopes of my adoring obsessive kitty. If my cat could speak this morning would have probably gone like this:
Sunshine leaping onto computer desk: Mmmmm cereal and milk I see? Been a while for that. Sure looks good.
Me: Cereal and SOY milk kitty, you wouldn’t like it.
Sunshine: Oh please, it’s not like I was ASKING for some of your delicious MILK. I was just NOTICING that you were having some cereal and delicious MILK.
Me: It’s SOY milk.
Sunshine: Oh honey, the I was born on a dairy farm, I know all brands come from the same place. Squeezed from a cow.
Me: No, it’s not REAL milk. It’s SOY milk.
Sunshine: Look if you don’t feel like sharing, just say so, no need to be rude. *turning around indignantly to stick tale in cereal bowl*
Me: Cat, go away. *putting cat on floor* Aren’t you late to lick your butt or something.
Sunshine: Oh, har, har. Don’t quit your day job. *jumps back up on computer desk and purrs loudly*
Me: Fine, whatever. I’m done. Want some Soy Milk?
Sunshine: MILK! Yeehaw! *sniffs bowl… looks at me indignantly* What the fuck are you trying to pull? That’s not milk.
Me: I told you.
Sunshine: Is this some kind of a joke? Is it funny to tease the kitty? What kind of a monster are you? *Looking pissed* You said MILK!
Me: Soy Milk.
Sunshine: Bitch. We’ll see how funny you are when I take a crap in your shoes. *jumps off computer, flicks tail in my direction*
Me: Stupid cat. Get some Prozac!
Wombats and Kangaroos! Don’t forget the piggies!
My youngest offspring has decided (for the millionth time) what she wants for her birthday. A wombat. She saw it on Animal Planet last night and thought it was CUTE! I told her to go ask her father. He said something akin to “What? A wombat! You can’t have a wombat!” to which she came downstairs with a quivering bottom lip to inform me that “Daddy said no. I can’t have a wombat.” The next commercial break showed a baby kangaroo, which she wanted immediately. I told her to go ask daddy. Tell him it could carry her books in it’s pouch to school for her. Again, daddy had to rain on her parade. More quivering lip. By the end of the night she had added in a cute little piggy to her list of desired pets. If anyone knows where to get a stuffed wombat… send me a message.
Okay, I’m off to work now. Enjoy the rain!
That’s one of the most amazing things I’ve learned over the weekend. My cat Sunshine was deeply disappointed at the point that I stopped eating cereal and milk when I became lactose intolerant. Recently I’ve discovered a soy milk that doesn’t taste like ass so I’m back to cereal and milk for breakfast. Which falsesly raised the hopes of my adoring obsessive kitty. If my cat could speak this morning would have probably gone like this:
Sunshine leaping onto computer desk: Mmmmm cereal and milk I see? Been a while for that. Sure looks good.
Me: Cereal and SOY milk kitty, you wouldn’t like it.
Sunshine: Oh please, it’s not like I was ASKING for some of your delicious MILK. I was just NOTICING that you were having some cereal and delicious MILK.
Me: It’s SOY milk.
Sunshine: Oh honey, the I was born on a dairy farm, I know all brands come from the same place. Squeezed from a cow.
Me: No, it’s not REAL milk. It’s SOY milk.
Sunshine: Look if you don’t feel like sharing, just say so, no need to be rude. *turning around indignantly to stick tale in cereal bowl*
Me: Cat, go away. *putting cat on floor* Aren’t you late to lick your butt or something.
Sunshine: Oh, har, har. Don’t quit your day job. *jumps back up on computer desk and purrs loudly*
Me: Fine, whatever. I’m done. Want some Soy Milk?
Sunshine: MILK! Yeehaw! *sniffs bowl… looks at me indignantly* What the fuck are you trying to pull? That’s not milk.
Me: I told you.
Sunshine: Is this some kind of a joke? Is it funny to tease the kitty? What kind of a monster are you? *Looking pissed* You said MILK!
Me: Soy Milk.
Sunshine: Bitch. We’ll see how funny you are when I take a crap in your shoes. *jumps off computer, flicks tail in my direction*
Me: Stupid cat. Get some Prozac!
Wombats and Kangaroos! Don’t forget the piggies!
My youngest offspring has decided (for the millionth time) what she wants for her birthday. A wombat. She saw it on Animal Planet last night and thought it was CUTE! I told her to go ask her father. He said something akin to “What? A wombat! You can’t have a wombat!” to which she came downstairs with a quivering bottom lip to inform me that “Daddy said no. I can’t have a wombat.” The next commercial break showed a baby kangaroo, which she wanted immediately. I told her to go ask daddy. Tell him it could carry her books in it’s pouch to school for her. Again, daddy had to rain on her parade. More quivering lip. By the end of the night she had added in a cute little piggy to her list of desired pets. If anyone knows where to get a stuffed wombat… send me a message.
Okay, I’m off to work now. Enjoy the rain!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Coming To A Screeching Halt
Today I was having a conversation with a co-worker as we decorated cakes. The conversation went to teen pregnancy and how her 13 year old had classmates who were pregnant, which is shocking and sad all at the same time. As the discussion continued I said "Goodness, my babies are small but the thought of that (the pregnant 13 year olds) makes me want to send my girls off to an all girls school." To which she replied "Yeah, but then you'd have to worry about her turning queer." I just shut up. I was appalled and knew that it was in my best interest (of keeping my job) to just say nothing even though I found her twisted fundamental Christian (yes she is a Christian and other than this a very nice person who seems smart) view on how girls being at an all girl school would be 'turned queer' just ignorant and insulting. At that moment I was reminded that I live in the Bible Belt where being open minded is frowned upon.
Today I was having a conversation with a co-worker as we decorated cakes. The conversation went to teen pregnancy and how her 13 year old had classmates who were pregnant, which is shocking and sad all at the same time. As the discussion continued I said "Goodness, my babies are small but the thought of that (the pregnant 13 year olds) makes me want to send my girls off to an all girls school." To which she replied "Yeah, but then you'd have to worry about her turning queer." I just shut up. I was appalled and knew that it was in my best interest (of keeping my job) to just say nothing even though I found her twisted fundamental Christian (yes she is a Christian and other than this a very nice person who seems smart) view on how girls being at an all girl school would be 'turned queer' just ignorant and insulting. At that moment I was reminded that I live in the Bible Belt where being open minded is frowned upon.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Old Friend and New Movie for $3.25! That ROCKS!
I went to see Evan Almighty with my friend Kanga today. Kind of spur of the moment “Hey what are you doing? I should be packing for my BIG trip, do you want to go see a movie?” and me being the supportive and helpful friend, I said “Hell yeah!” The theater was fairly full, it didn’t help that we had to stand in line for nearly 10 minutes to get drinks before we went to search for a seat. A very nice woman offered to move her brood over so we could sit on the end and not have to sit in the VERY FRONT of the theater. This seemed like a rather nice gesture until shortly into the movie when I (who was sitting right next to the seemingly nice woman) heard her talking. Now I don’t care that I had paid the matinee price of a paltry $3.25 to see the movie, or that it was a Sunday after noon (which are supposed to be easy after all), movie etiquette demands that you don’t talk through a movie (except the Rocky Horror Picture Show). The first few times it happened I thought one of her offspring had asked her an important question, but then I started listening and realized that she was just having a conversation with her progeny about the movie. This struck me as more than just a little odd but down right stupid. I wasn’t sure, if she just didn’t realize that she HADN’T rented this movie and WASN’T sitting on her couch with a bag of chips or if she had forgotten her special medication this morning. I honestly didn’t care, I just wanted her to shut it. And she did for a while, until nearing the end of the movie. The last two outbursts by her made me wonder if she was taking this movie a little to seriously and had actually had a religious moment somewhere between all the laughing and giggling. Moreover, the THAT thought made me laugh all the way out of the theater.Having a religious moment brought on by Steve Carell. LOL!
I went to see Evan Almighty with my friend Kanga today. Kind of spur of the moment “Hey what are you doing? I should be packing for my BIG trip, do you want to go see a movie?” and me being the supportive and helpful friend, I said “Hell yeah!” The theater was fairly full, it didn’t help that we had to stand in line for nearly 10 minutes to get drinks before we went to search for a seat. A very nice woman offered to move her brood over so we could sit on the end and not have to sit in the VERY FRONT of the theater. This seemed like a rather nice gesture until shortly into the movie when I (who was sitting right next to the seemingly nice woman) heard her talking. Now I don’t care that I had paid the matinee price of a paltry $3.25 to see the movie, or that it was a Sunday after noon (which are supposed to be easy after all), movie etiquette demands that you don’t talk through a movie (except the Rocky Horror Picture Show). The first few times it happened I thought one of her offspring had asked her an important question, but then I started listening and realized that she was just having a conversation with her progeny about the movie. This struck me as more than just a little odd but down right stupid. I wasn’t sure, if she just didn’t realize that she HADN’T rented this movie and WASN’T sitting on her couch with a bag of chips or if she had forgotten her special medication this morning. I honestly didn’t care, I just wanted her to shut it. And she did for a while, until nearing the end of the movie. The last two outbursts by her made me wonder if she was taking this movie a little to seriously and had actually had a religious moment somewhere between all the laughing and giggling. Moreover, the THAT thought made me laugh all the way out of the theater.Having a religious moment brought on by Steve Carell. LOL!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Because Hating One’s Mother Is Not Instinct Until 13, I Do What I Can
My offspring HATE me right now. Well let me correct that. My youngest progeny (you know, the alien being from Copper Head) HATES me right now. And WHY you may be (or probably are not) asking at this very moment (the moment right before you realize you have wasted at least 3 very important moments of your very important life reading this brain damage causing crap I expel on this site)? Because of a HAMBURGER. A hamburger I made in my own (in much need of a good floor cleaning) kitchen by my own (very much stained by cake icing) hands. You see, my crime was in making four hamburgers and not three hamburgers. Since the other contributor to their DNA is out tonight (enjoying a childfree night with his beloved), there was no one else to eat the third (rather puny looking) hamburger and there in lies the problem. The oldest of those expelled from my womb laid claim to the hamburger before the youngest could call dibs. Now we all must suffer for that indignity.
The smallest of the Tiny Terrorist began a campaign to let me (and everyone else within earshot) know of her displeasure at the injustice that is an older sister claiming the last tiny little pathetic hamburger. Not even the offering of a COOKIE would pacify her rage. A COOKIE!! She TURNED DOWN a COOKIE!!! She truly is NOT my offspring. After a full 5 minutes of her screaming of the insult of being denied the last HAMBURGER, I did the only thing I could do (and no it did not involve a roll of duct tape), I said “Shut up! Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed!” and subsequent appeals from her were met with a hasty “Shut it now! Get on to bed!”
As I type this, it has been a good 20 minutes since they headed upstairs to bed and she just now stopped kicking the bed frame. She broke it, fell out of bed or just decided it was pointless. Whatever, it’s quiet. I’m happy. In 10 years, she can bring this up again as illustration of what a horrible, uncaring mother I am for denying her that hamburger, and then she’ll storm off to her room and slam the door. Either that or she will have decided to move back to Copper Head Planet. I am so going to charge her alien parents back child support when I find them!
My offspring HATE me right now. Well let me correct that. My youngest progeny (you know, the alien being from Copper Head) HATES me right now. And WHY you may be (or probably are not) asking at this very moment (the moment right before you realize you have wasted at least 3 very important moments of your very important life reading this brain damage causing crap I expel on this site)? Because of a HAMBURGER. A hamburger I made in my own (in much need of a good floor cleaning) kitchen by my own (very much stained by cake icing) hands. You see, my crime was in making four hamburgers and not three hamburgers. Since the other contributor to their DNA is out tonight (enjoying a childfree night with his beloved), there was no one else to eat the third (rather puny looking) hamburger and there in lies the problem. The oldest of those expelled from my womb laid claim to the hamburger before the youngest could call dibs. Now we all must suffer for that indignity.
The smallest of the Tiny Terrorist began a campaign to let me (and everyone else within earshot) know of her displeasure at the injustice that is an older sister claiming the last tiny little pathetic hamburger. Not even the offering of a COOKIE would pacify her rage. A COOKIE!! She TURNED DOWN a COOKIE!!! She truly is NOT my offspring. After a full 5 minutes of her screaming of the insult of being denied the last HAMBURGER, I did the only thing I could do (and no it did not involve a roll of duct tape), I said “Shut up! Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed!” and subsequent appeals from her were met with a hasty “Shut it now! Get on to bed!”
As I type this, it has been a good 20 minutes since they headed upstairs to bed and she just now stopped kicking the bed frame. She broke it, fell out of bed or just decided it was pointless. Whatever, it’s quiet. I’m happy. In 10 years, she can bring this up again as illustration of what a horrible, uncaring mother I am for denying her that hamburger, and then she’ll storm off to her room and slam the door. Either that or she will have decided to move back to Copper Head Planet. I am so going to charge her alien parents back child support when I find them!
Waiting For Laundry
Just a quick update while I wait for my laundry to finish.
Though I still love my job, yesterday was the first day I did not enjoy it. It was not the actual job, it was the person who started a bunch of stuff and didn’t bother to finish it, so I had to finish it all and didn’t get to the things I needed to get done. That and I don’t really like mopping the whole damn bakery. Oh well, it could be a much worse job.
I got horribly sad news yesterday, Coco the Wonder Dog has macular degeneration and will be blind within a year. Not only that but the tumors that were removed from her nasal cavities are growing back. The facts are that Coco probably had one or two more good years left and that is heartbreaking because she’s only three years old. I’m so sad that I’ll only have my time share dog for maybe another year.
My kids just made their own lunch. A ketchup sandwich for one and a bowl of cereal for the other. Yes the ketchup sandwich was for the offspring who is the former occupant of Copperhead Planet.
A friend of mine who is very dear to my heart is moving away from Texas. I’m so very sad about that.
Life doesn’t suck all around though, K is going to spend tonight with his boyfriend. Yay for him.
My pink haired offspring still has pink hair and damn that’s cute!
Well I better get in the shower now – gotta leave for work in 20 minutes.
Just a quick update while I wait for my laundry to finish.
Though I still love my job, yesterday was the first day I did not enjoy it. It was not the actual job, it was the person who started a bunch of stuff and didn’t bother to finish it, so I had to finish it all and didn’t get to the things I needed to get done. That and I don’t really like mopping the whole damn bakery. Oh well, it could be a much worse job.
I got horribly sad news yesterday, Coco the Wonder Dog has macular degeneration and will be blind within a year. Not only that but the tumors that were removed from her nasal cavities are growing back. The facts are that Coco probably had one or two more good years left and that is heartbreaking because she’s only three years old. I’m so sad that I’ll only have my time share dog for maybe another year.
My kids just made their own lunch. A ketchup sandwich for one and a bowl of cereal for the other. Yes the ketchup sandwich was for the offspring who is the former occupant of Copperhead Planet.
A friend of mine who is very dear to my heart is moving away from Texas. I’m so very sad about that.
Life doesn’t suck all around though, K is going to spend tonight with his boyfriend. Yay for him.
My pink haired offspring still has pink hair and damn that’s cute!
Well I better get in the shower now – gotta leave for work in 20 minutes.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
She Said WHAT?
I just had this conversation with my youngest offspring:
Her: Before I came from Copper Head.
Me: Hmmm?
Her: Before I lived on Copper Head.
Me: Oh?
Her: Yeah, I lived on Copper Head and it was different than here. But the Master he didn’t like me so he hit me in the head. And my mom and dad they didn’t like me so I left and came here then I lived in your tummy and now I’m here.
Me: Ahhhhhh.
Her: Kitty! I love the kitty!
Me: Did they have kitties on Copper Head?
Her: No. Only dogs. Copper Head dogs.
All of that was in response to me giving her a hug and saying “I love you! You are my favorite 5 year old! My favorite 5 year old with hot pink hair!” I see years of therapy in her future… luckily it won’t be my fault with this kid!
I just had this conversation with my youngest offspring:
Her: Before I came from Copper Head.
Me: Hmmm?
Her: Before I lived on Copper Head.
Me: Oh?
Her: Yeah, I lived on Copper Head and it was different than here. But the Master he didn’t like me so he hit me in the head. And my mom and dad they didn’t like me so I left and came here then I lived in your tummy and now I’m here.
Me: Ahhhhhh.
Her: Kitty! I love the kitty!
Me: Did they have kitties on Copper Head?
Her: No. Only dogs. Copper Head dogs.
All of that was in response to me giving her a hug and saying “I love you! You are my favorite 5 year old! My favorite 5 year old with hot pink hair!” I see years of therapy in her future… luckily it won’t be my fault with this kid!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Now On To Other Stuff… In Random Order
I believe I’ve found someone to watch my kids while I work! AND it shouldn’t cost me ALL of my pay check! Woohoo!
My offspring got to see the shuttle launch while in Florida. To which my youngest progeny screamed “I SAW IT! I SAW IT! I SAW IT!”
When the Little People returned home I told them that Hanta had passed away. As expected Super Girl took it hard and sobbed. Of course just the sight of my oldest crying from grief made me cry also. After a few moments we both regained composure and Cabbage Patch patted me on the arm then said “It’s okay mom, you can buy another gerbil.”
I still absolutely love my job. This past Friday and Saturday were so insanely busy I barely had time to breath, but it’s be just amazing. The only kvetch I do have is the music that is piped in all day long – Contemporary Christian Rock aka Jesus Make-Out music. And if that isn’t bad enough, the fact that there seems to be an extremely limited amount of Jesus Make-Out music out there so I get to hear the same shit every day. So much so that if I ever come face to face with Scott Stapp I may have to kick him right in the balls for as many times as I’ve had to listen to the SAME FREAKING CREED SONG. (All day long I have that South Park episode where Cartman puts together a Christian rock band going trough my head.)
I let my progeny dye their hair yesterday. Hush up, it’s all temporary dye. One has red and the other has hot pink/fuchsia. They love it and it looks cute.
My youngest is a total ‘tard at times. Just a bit ago she was jumping around like a maniac. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m going to be cool!” Then she did this kick thing and fell right on her butt to which I said “Haha, looks like you just fell on your butt!" She looked up at me and said “
That's cool." She gets the DORK award of the day.
Now… I’m off to make dinner. ;)
I believe I’ve found someone to watch my kids while I work! AND it shouldn’t cost me ALL of my pay check! Woohoo!
My offspring got to see the shuttle launch while in Florida. To which my youngest progeny screamed “I SAW IT! I SAW IT! I SAW IT!”
When the Little People returned home I told them that Hanta had passed away. As expected Super Girl took it hard and sobbed. Of course just the sight of my oldest crying from grief made me cry also. After a few moments we both regained composure and Cabbage Patch patted me on the arm then said “It’s okay mom, you can buy another gerbil.”
I still absolutely love my job. This past Friday and Saturday were so insanely busy I barely had time to breath, but it’s be just amazing. The only kvetch I do have is the music that is piped in all day long – Contemporary Christian Rock aka Jesus Make-Out music. And if that isn’t bad enough, the fact that there seems to be an extremely limited amount of Jesus Make-Out music out there so I get to hear the same shit every day. So much so that if I ever come face to face with Scott Stapp I may have to kick him right in the balls for as many times as I’ve had to listen to the SAME FREAKING CREED SONG. (All day long I have that South Park episode where Cartman puts together a Christian rock band going trough my head.)
I let my progeny dye their hair yesterday. Hush up, it’s all temporary dye. One has red and the other has hot pink/fuchsia. They love it and it looks cute.
My youngest is a total ‘tard at times. Just a bit ago she was jumping around like a maniac. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m going to be cool!” Then she did this kick thing and fell right on her butt to which I said “Haha, looks like you just fell on your butt!" She looked up at me and said “
That's cool." She gets the DORK award of the day.
Now… I’m off to make dinner. ;)
Saturday, June 16, 2007
I Keep Telling Myself My ‘Happy Place’ Should NOT Be A Place To Hide Bodies…
First, I’ll start this out with some HAPPY THOUGHTS! HAPPY! HAPPY, I SAY!
My darling offspring are HOME! I missed them terribly. They had a most incredible time and have a butt load of Disney crap (i.e. memorabilia) now.
Another happy thought… I still love my job.
However, that brings us to what is making my blood boil. Go grab yourself some coffee or a coke, this might get long and drawn out. It’s fine, I’ll wait…. Done? Okay.
Nothing bothers me more than intolerance and hypocrisy. Well stupidity bothers me also, but I won’t hate someone JUST because they are stupid. Last week and the early part of this week I worked on a daycare arrangement with a local woman. She agreed to watch my offspring while I worked in exchange for me sewing some clothing for her offspring. We exchanged several e-mails and then had a long telephone discussion where in we set up a time to have my progeny meet hers (yesterday evening). We both thought this was a great arrangement. In the e-mails and during the phone conversation I stated “if at any time you decide this arrangement won’t work for you anymore, just give me advance notice so I can find alternate care for my kids.” Again, everything was agreeable.
Yesterday we stopped by her house after K got home. I figured we’d make it a quick trip as I knew she had VBS that night (as she had told me and her Church of Christ VBS lawn sign reminded me in it’s big purple writing). All kids got along great and she and her husband seemed fairly sane and nice. I measured her kids and she said how much she was looking forward to matching shorts/skirts for her girls and that she was looking forward to watching my kids. End of visit.
Fast forward to today at 1 pm when K went to pick up the kids. Miss Kerri told K that she could not watch the offspring anymore because he’s gay. She added something about now feeling like the arrangement is unfair as she could get ‘a lot of clothes from a thrift store for $25’. (Yeah whatever, I know she was just trying to make it seem a little less homophobic by saying that.)
*Pause for cooling down*
Okay, I wrote that on Thursday. I had to step away for a while because my blood was boiling I was so angry and indignant about such bigotry and general indecency. By Thursday night I was beyond being pissed and had moved to feeling a deep sense of pity for that woman. Friday morning before I headed off to work (thankfully K’s job is very understanding and he was able to take that morning off), I wrote the following e-mail to Miss Kerri:
Dear Ms. Valentine;
I was shocked and appalled by your behavior yesterday. Today however I just pity you.
First, how very unprofessional of you to break our verbal contract in such an abrupt manner. In one of my e-mails to you I stated “…give me a little lead time if you decide the arrangement isn't going to work for you anymore” which you did not do. When we spoke on the phone you stated that the terms of our agreement were satisfactory to you and very agreeable. I didn’t hear about you deciding not to watch my children anymore until Kent brought them home to me after 1 pm. That is unacceptable and entirely unprofessional.
Secondly, your reasoning for not watching my children due to their father being gay is perfect example of someone hiding their prejudice, bigotry and hatemongering behind their religion. It’s sad that in this day and age that people such as yourself can be so narrow minded and hateful and still consider themselves ‘good Christians’ because they can ‘justify’ their hate with the Bible. What ever happened to ‘love they neighbor’ and that old saying ‘Love the sinner, hate the sin.’ You are a shining example of typical Christian Conditional Love. I pray that you learn the real meaning of compassion, love and understanding some day, until then, you have my pity.
Thirdly, I honestly do not believe that the trade arrangement has anything to do with your decision not to watch my children; I believe it was just a lame attempt to make yourself appear less of a bigot. Sorry, didn’t work, you still look like what you truly are – a hateful bigot.
I apologize for this being in e-mail form but I was certain that I would have difficulty keeping a civil tone with you, as I abhor any type of prejudice, bigotry and intolerance.
Please do not try to reply as I have blocked your e-mail address and your phone number. I think I’ve heard enough from you. Again, I feel a great sense of pity and sadness for you and your family, ignorance is a horrible legacy to pass down.
Regards;
Judy
So, it’s all good. I’m still looking for daycare so I can continue to work my most fabulous job, but at least I’m not looking for someone to loan me a shovel and hold the flashlight for me in the middle of the night.
More on OTHER things soon… and YES the MORE and OTHER will be FUNNY (at least to me) as I’m done being indignant and morally superior ;) (for the moment).
First, I’ll start this out with some HAPPY THOUGHTS! HAPPY! HAPPY, I SAY!
My darling offspring are HOME! I missed them terribly. They had a most incredible time and have a butt load of Disney crap (i.e. memorabilia) now.
Another happy thought… I still love my job.
However, that brings us to what is making my blood boil. Go grab yourself some coffee or a coke, this might get long and drawn out. It’s fine, I’ll wait…. Done? Okay.
Nothing bothers me more than intolerance and hypocrisy. Well stupidity bothers me also, but I won’t hate someone JUST because they are stupid. Last week and the early part of this week I worked on a daycare arrangement with a local woman. She agreed to watch my offspring while I worked in exchange for me sewing some clothing for her offspring. We exchanged several e-mails and then had a long telephone discussion where in we set up a time to have my progeny meet hers (yesterday evening). We both thought this was a great arrangement. In the e-mails and during the phone conversation I stated “if at any time you decide this arrangement won’t work for you anymore, just give me advance notice so I can find alternate care for my kids.” Again, everything was agreeable.
Yesterday we stopped by her house after K got home. I figured we’d make it a quick trip as I knew she had VBS that night (as she had told me and her Church of Christ VBS lawn sign reminded me in it’s big purple writing). All kids got along great and she and her husband seemed fairly sane and nice. I measured her kids and she said how much she was looking forward to matching shorts/skirts for her girls and that she was looking forward to watching my kids. End of visit.
Fast forward to today at 1 pm when K went to pick up the kids. Miss Kerri told K that she could not watch the offspring anymore because he’s gay. She added something about now feeling like the arrangement is unfair as she could get ‘a lot of clothes from a thrift store for $25’. (Yeah whatever, I know she was just trying to make it seem a little less homophobic by saying that.)
*Pause for cooling down*
Okay, I wrote that on Thursday. I had to step away for a while because my blood was boiling I was so angry and indignant about such bigotry and general indecency. By Thursday night I was beyond being pissed and had moved to feeling a deep sense of pity for that woman. Friday morning before I headed off to work (thankfully K’s job is very understanding and he was able to take that morning off), I wrote the following e-mail to Miss Kerri:
Dear Ms. Valentine;
I was shocked and appalled by your behavior yesterday. Today however I just pity you.
First, how very unprofessional of you to break our verbal contract in such an abrupt manner. In one of my e-mails to you I stated “…give me a little lead time if you decide the arrangement isn't going to work for you anymore” which you did not do. When we spoke on the phone you stated that the terms of our agreement were satisfactory to you and very agreeable. I didn’t hear about you deciding not to watch my children anymore until Kent brought them home to me after 1 pm. That is unacceptable and entirely unprofessional.
Secondly, your reasoning for not watching my children due to their father being gay is perfect example of someone hiding their prejudice, bigotry and hatemongering behind their religion. It’s sad that in this day and age that people such as yourself can be so narrow minded and hateful and still consider themselves ‘good Christians’ because they can ‘justify’ their hate with the Bible. What ever happened to ‘love they neighbor’ and that old saying ‘Love the sinner, hate the sin.’ You are a shining example of typical Christian Conditional Love. I pray that you learn the real meaning of compassion, love and understanding some day, until then, you have my pity.
Thirdly, I honestly do not believe that the trade arrangement has anything to do with your decision not to watch my children; I believe it was just a lame attempt to make yourself appear less of a bigot. Sorry, didn’t work, you still look like what you truly are – a hateful bigot.
I apologize for this being in e-mail form but I was certain that I would have difficulty keeping a civil tone with you, as I abhor any type of prejudice, bigotry and intolerance.
Please do not try to reply as I have blocked your e-mail address and your phone number. I think I’ve heard enough from you. Again, I feel a great sense of pity and sadness for you and your family, ignorance is a horrible legacy to pass down.
Regards;
Judy
So, it’s all good. I’m still looking for daycare so I can continue to work my most fabulous job, but at least I’m not looking for someone to loan me a shovel and hold the flashlight for me in the middle of the night.
More on OTHER things soon… and YES the MORE and OTHER will be FUNNY (at least to me) as I’m done being indignant and morally superior ;) (for the moment).
Saturday, June 09, 2007
RIP Hanta Virus
Today much to my shock, I discovered that my beloved gerbil, Hanta Virus (Hanta for short) was dead. Nothing horrible or gruesome, just laying out in the middle of the cage dead. I’m very sad about all this even though I’ve spent the last year reminding my offspring that my gerbils are old and could die at any time (Bubonic Plague AKA Bea is right at 4 years old and Hanta was about 3 months younger than her) because they only live 3-4 years. In the past month both gerbils had gotten thinner and seemed slower. I always figured it would be Bea to die first since she is the oldest.
K will bury her near where he buried Spike.
I feel a tad silly about being so sad about the demise of my rodent – though I did love her as much as I love all of my pets.
Attached is a photo of both gerbils, Hanta is the black one.
Today much to my shock, I discovered that my beloved gerbil, Hanta Virus (Hanta for short) was dead. Nothing horrible or gruesome, just laying out in the middle of the cage dead. I’m very sad about all this even though I’ve spent the last year reminding my offspring that my gerbils are old and could die at any time (Bubonic Plague AKA Bea is right at 4 years old and Hanta was about 3 months younger than her) because they only live 3-4 years. In the past month both gerbils had gotten thinner and seemed slower. I always figured it would be Bea to die first since she is the oldest.
K will bury her near where he buried Spike.
I feel a tad silly about being so sad about the demise of my rodent – though I did love her as much as I love all of my pets.
Attached is a photo of both gerbils, Hanta is the black one.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Proof Of Alien Life!
Yes, I have proof of alien life! At least I HAD proof. Currently that proof is out by the trash dumpster since I decided to evict all non-food items from my fridge this afternoon. And let me tell you – EWWWWW! This is one of those times I wish my offspring were here instead of having the time of their tiny little lives at the Land of Mouse because I totally would have made them clean out the fridge. Oh stop looking at me like that; you know your parental units used to make you do horrible chores too. That is part of the fun of being a parent, bossing around the progeny. It builds character (that is another part of the fun of being a parent, saying stupid things like that).
Blind Blogging
Any time a conversation that starts with, “I saw what you blogged about me”, I get a sudden feeling of panic in my stomach and then I try to remember if I called that person an ASS HAT. Generally the answer is no, but I still have to wonder because I HAVE called people ASS HATS in the name of describing really BAD DATES. Luckily, I hadn’t and the conversation lead to dinner out for sushi without the sushi because the sushi restaurant well known for their sushi does not serve sushi on Sunday. Hmmm… go figure.
Summer Break Down
The offspring return home in about a week. Then I will be faced with the FUN and excitement of finding childcare so I can work. Woohoo! Every time I think of this, I wish Prozac came in packaging like M&M’s, I definitely would be eating all the green ones out of that bag. I had considered putting both offspring in summer school but that seems like maybe it won’t work out so well despite them both needing it due to summer school starting TOMORROW and only going to July 3. Yes, yes I did say that both progeny need summer school as they have both failed. Oh, hold on a sec, someone at the door…. I’m back now, it was just my bloated sense of guilt and failure as a parent needing to come inside and oppress me for the evening. Ah but back to the other issue causing me mental distress, daycare. Oh you know, just screw it, I feel an anxiety attack coming on just from thinking about this.
Rain = Mosquitoes
The fabulous rains have made for a wonderful population of MOSQUITOES! EW. The other day as I walked to work, I ran smack into a cloud of what I thought was just tiny gnats but was surprised (rather rudely) that they were in fact blood-sucking mosquitoes. So disgusting! I must have looked like a total ‘tard as I swatted at them while walking. Tomorrow I’ll make sure to coat myself in a nice layer of OFF! Before heading out.
The Frosting On Top
Work is still going great. Last week the cake decorator who has been training me told our supervisor that I am completely trained and ready to decorate by myself! Woohoo! Now I’m learning about the rest of the bakery, which is not as fun as decorating but it is a lot less painful for my wrist. My goal is to get really good at decorating and then go to a bakery that will pay me more.
And that’s about it for now. I have to go finish getting ready for my date tonight. So… what goes well with camo? Heels or flats?
Yes, I have proof of alien life! At least I HAD proof. Currently that proof is out by the trash dumpster since I decided to evict all non-food items from my fridge this afternoon. And let me tell you – EWWWWW! This is one of those times I wish my offspring were here instead of having the time of their tiny little lives at the Land of Mouse because I totally would have made them clean out the fridge. Oh stop looking at me like that; you know your parental units used to make you do horrible chores too. That is part of the fun of being a parent, bossing around the progeny. It builds character (that is another part of the fun of being a parent, saying stupid things like that).
Blind Blogging
Any time a conversation that starts with, “I saw what you blogged about me”, I get a sudden feeling of panic in my stomach and then I try to remember if I called that person an ASS HAT. Generally the answer is no, but I still have to wonder because I HAVE called people ASS HATS in the name of describing really BAD DATES. Luckily, I hadn’t and the conversation lead to dinner out for sushi without the sushi because the sushi restaurant well known for their sushi does not serve sushi on Sunday. Hmmm… go figure.
Summer Break Down
The offspring return home in about a week. Then I will be faced with the FUN and excitement of finding childcare so I can work. Woohoo! Every time I think of this, I wish Prozac came in packaging like M&M’s, I definitely would be eating all the green ones out of that bag. I had considered putting both offspring in summer school but that seems like maybe it won’t work out so well despite them both needing it due to summer school starting TOMORROW and only going to July 3. Yes, yes I did say that both progeny need summer school as they have both failed. Oh, hold on a sec, someone at the door…. I’m back now, it was just my bloated sense of guilt and failure as a parent needing to come inside and oppress me for the evening. Ah but back to the other issue causing me mental distress, daycare. Oh you know, just screw it, I feel an anxiety attack coming on just from thinking about this.
Rain = Mosquitoes
The fabulous rains have made for a wonderful population of MOSQUITOES! EW. The other day as I walked to work, I ran smack into a cloud of what I thought was just tiny gnats but was surprised (rather rudely) that they were in fact blood-sucking mosquitoes. So disgusting! I must have looked like a total ‘tard as I swatted at them while walking. Tomorrow I’ll make sure to coat myself in a nice layer of OFF! Before heading out.
The Frosting On Top
Work is still going great. Last week the cake decorator who has been training me told our supervisor that I am completely trained and ready to decorate by myself! Woohoo! Now I’m learning about the rest of the bakery, which is not as fun as decorating but it is a lot less painful for my wrist. My goal is to get really good at decorating and then go to a bakery that will pay me more.
And that’s about it for now. I have to go finish getting ready for my date tonight. So… what goes well with camo? Heels or flats?
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Cupcake Update
Yes I still LOVE my job. I’m actually decorating cakes all by myself. It’s fabulous. I now smell like butter cream frosting all the time. And best of all – It’s soooo much fun! I put cute little gold fish on a cake yesterday and big funky 70’s flowers on another. I’m always scoping out the cakes at other stores to see what I can copy.
Another great thing about this job is the people I work with. My supervisor is very sweet and the other cake decorator is just a breath of fresh air. The other ladies in the bakery are really sweet also. It’s odd to suddenly be the youngest person working in my department.
Terror Update!
The Tiny Terrorists are on their scheduled invasion of the World of Mouse. Yesterday was an anxious one for me as this is the first time my offspring will be so far from me for such a long period of time. AND it was their first airplane ride. Luckily for me their Tiny Terrorist status didn’t hold them up from boarding the airplane. Just after 7 am I got a phone call from both progeny letting me know they were on the airplane. It was incredibly cute and put my anxieties into high gear and on a time table. I spent the rest of the day looking at the clock thinking about when they would arrive in Florida and waiting for the “We’ve arrived!” phone call. This made everything FUN, FUN, FUN as I was totally off my game and screwed up labeling a bunch of cakes and had to re-do all that.
Last night’s check in was barely coherent due to their overwhelming exuberance. All I could comprehend was “Princess, rides, fireworks, mouse”. So all in all it sounds like a good trip!
As for me, I’ll be spending this time minus progeny either working, cleaning or working out child care for when they return. Cue anxiety attack!
Other Crap…
The only drawback to the new job is that it’s causing the carpal tunnel in my right wrist to act up. Due to that, I probably won’t be on the computer much in the near future until I get used to the job – thank goodness I have cable to waste time with. ;)
Speaking of cable and my obsessive possessiveness of the remote. I lost the remote yesterday! Damn it. I can’t even blame it on the offspring or K as I was home with the pets when the remote went missing. The worst part is that I now have to admit that I to am irresponsible with the remote and I have to climb down off my holier-than-though-high-horse. I am FLAWED! Feet of clay be damned! I think I need to invest in a chain to attach the remote to the television, kind of like the pen chains they have at banks.
And Now Something To Induce Vomiting!
I’m going to talk about sickeningly sweet things my kids have said. You may want to stop reading if you are diabetic or have a weak stomach.
Last week I was looking at pictures of cats and dogs on the internet with Cabbage Patch (she loves StuffOnMyCat.com), when she sees a photo of a Shar-Pei and says “Awww I like the ruffle dog!”
Seems my oldest offspring, Super Girl, who had no problem telling the therapist that she likes her daddy more than me, was rather anxious about her trip to the Mouse Kingdome and began crying yesterday morning before boarding the airplane wanting to know if mommy could go with them and couldn’t they wait for her (me). Awwww!
Yes I still LOVE my job. I’m actually decorating cakes all by myself. It’s fabulous. I now smell like butter cream frosting all the time. And best of all – It’s soooo much fun! I put cute little gold fish on a cake yesterday and big funky 70’s flowers on another. I’m always scoping out the cakes at other stores to see what I can copy.
Another great thing about this job is the people I work with. My supervisor is very sweet and the other cake decorator is just a breath of fresh air. The other ladies in the bakery are really sweet also. It’s odd to suddenly be the youngest person working in my department.
Terror Update!
The Tiny Terrorists are on their scheduled invasion of the World of Mouse. Yesterday was an anxious one for me as this is the first time my offspring will be so far from me for such a long period of time. AND it was their first airplane ride. Luckily for me their Tiny Terrorist status didn’t hold them up from boarding the airplane. Just after 7 am I got a phone call from both progeny letting me know they were on the airplane. It was incredibly cute and put my anxieties into high gear and on a time table. I spent the rest of the day looking at the clock thinking about when they would arrive in Florida and waiting for the “We’ve arrived!” phone call. This made everything FUN, FUN, FUN as I was totally off my game and screwed up labeling a bunch of cakes and had to re-do all that.
Last night’s check in was barely coherent due to their overwhelming exuberance. All I could comprehend was “Princess, rides, fireworks, mouse”. So all in all it sounds like a good trip!
As for me, I’ll be spending this time minus progeny either working, cleaning or working out child care for when they return. Cue anxiety attack!
Other Crap…
The only drawback to the new job is that it’s causing the carpal tunnel in my right wrist to act up. Due to that, I probably won’t be on the computer much in the near future until I get used to the job – thank goodness I have cable to waste time with. ;)
Speaking of cable and my obsessive possessiveness of the remote. I lost the remote yesterday! Damn it. I can’t even blame it on the offspring or K as I was home with the pets when the remote went missing. The worst part is that I now have to admit that I to am irresponsible with the remote and I have to climb down off my holier-than-though-high-horse. I am FLAWED! Feet of clay be damned! I think I need to invest in a chain to attach the remote to the television, kind of like the pen chains they have at banks.
And Now Something To Induce Vomiting!
I’m going to talk about sickeningly sweet things my kids have said. You may want to stop reading if you are diabetic or have a weak stomach.
Last week I was looking at pictures of cats and dogs on the internet with Cabbage Patch (she loves StuffOnMyCat.com), when she sees a photo of a Shar-Pei and says “Awww I like the ruffle dog!”
Seems my oldest offspring, Super Girl, who had no problem telling the therapist that she likes her daddy more than me, was rather anxious about her trip to the Mouse Kingdome and began crying yesterday morning before boarding the airplane wanting to know if mommy could go with them and couldn’t they wait for her (me). Awwww!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
And So It Begins…
I WORKED today! I went to WORK and clocked in and did WORK that I’ll get this amazing thing called a PAY CHECK for! And guess what? I LOVE my job! No really I LOVE it. I LOVE it enough to marry it, except it’s not a person so I can’t! But maybe I’ll think about it while I masturbate… though that might be a bit on the perverse side… I still might, though more likely I’ll just fantasize about how it’ll just snuggle me at night as I fall asleep with my head on it… or not. But I digress (as always).
I decorated CAKES today! Yes, yes I did! I thought this would all be just training and watching and maybe getting bored and having to sweep floors and wipe counters, but NO it was actually ME decorating CAKES! CAKES people ordered and paid for! I picked up how to do things pretty quickly and that’s a FABULOUS thing. I actually completely decorated two cakes all on my own! TWO! All by myself! AND I now know how to make a tres leches cake and I now know why it is that I get ill from eating that! MILK! Times 3! Who knew with a name like tres leches?!?!?! I made it and decorated that cake and it looked awesome.
I also worked an extra 2 hours, the time flew by soooo quick I almost didn’t even notice I had worked 7 hours straight without a break. It was so amazing, I was having so much fun! And I didn’t even mind the many many times my hands were blue and looked like they were afflicted with a strange Smurf disease. I go back to work at 8 am tomorrow and I’m sooooooooo excited to go back! And best of all – I get PAID to do this!
I WORKED today! I went to WORK and clocked in and did WORK that I’ll get this amazing thing called a PAY CHECK for! And guess what? I LOVE my job! No really I LOVE it. I LOVE it enough to marry it, except it’s not a person so I can’t! But maybe I’ll think about it while I masturbate… though that might be a bit on the perverse side… I still might, though more likely I’ll just fantasize about how it’ll just snuggle me at night as I fall asleep with my head on it… or not. But I digress (as always).
I decorated CAKES today! Yes, yes I did! I thought this would all be just training and watching and maybe getting bored and having to sweep floors and wipe counters, but NO it was actually ME decorating CAKES! CAKES people ordered and paid for! I picked up how to do things pretty quickly and that’s a FABULOUS thing. I actually completely decorated two cakes all on my own! TWO! All by myself! AND I now know how to make a tres leches cake and I now know why it is that I get ill from eating that! MILK! Times 3! Who knew with a name like tres leches?!?!?! I made it and decorated that cake and it looked awesome.
I also worked an extra 2 hours, the time flew by soooo quick I almost didn’t even notice I had worked 7 hours straight without a break. It was so amazing, I was having so much fun! And I didn’t even mind the many many times my hands were blue and looked like they were afflicted with a strange Smurf disease. I go back to work at 8 am tomorrow and I’m sooooooooo excited to go back! And best of all – I get PAID to do this!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Frightening Things That Keep Me Awake At Night
Enjoy the photo of a drawing my youngest Tiny Terrorist made for her Aunt D. I am not sure how it is possible that this wee progeny of mine can fail kindergarten but she can spell jihad correctly. I’m mildly disturbed by this, I’m even more disturbed by the drawing of my sister… with giant SOULDER PADS! I’m desperately fashionably impaired (I’ve even applied for one of those cool blue parking placards because my impairment borders on being truly fashionably disabled) yet even I know that giant SHOULDER PADS are a NO NO! I understood that I had passed down the faulty fashion gene to my oldest (she too has an unnatural love of camo) but I had hoped the youngest was unaffected. A couple of weeks after the above drawing was made my offspring returned home from a night away wearing blue pants with giant polka dots, a hot pink turtle neck (it was 80 outside!) with her hair in all directions, I honestly expected 10 more midget clowns to pop out of her suitcase. Now I’m coming to grips that both of my offspring are afflicted – I honestly thought they wouldn’t have much risk of this what with having a gay father. I’m looking into some type of program for both of them, the best I’ve found so far is What Not To Wear reruns ever day after school.
Speaking of SCHOOL, Holy Jesus on a pogo stick! It’s almost over! Damn! I keep writing letters to the school board and law makers begging them for year round school. Damn them all, I think I need to change tactics, less begging more threatening. I think maybe a little mafia tactics might work. They could wake up to find offspring in their living room, watching tv, making PB&J samiches on their coffee table and having a tea party with red kool aid while giving their dog a hair cut.
I’ve somewhat come to grips with the fact that we now have CABLE TV. I no longer scream and hide under the table when it’s switched on. In fact I demand the universal remote be turned over to me and only me most of the time as I feel no one else is responsible enough for the awesome power that it holds. That and the fact that 3 other remotes have vanished without a trace in this living room. Not even a batter cover, a stray button, no ransom note, just gone. I refuse to let that happen again. And of course this also prevents other people from doing the most heinous of activities – CHANNEL SURFING! Look at the freaking guide! Don’t flip channels! It is a forbidden activity in my abode, punishable by death or dismemberment… or something like that.
I’m not sure K is all that thrilled about me and cable becoming aquainted, he states that I’m more sarcastic than before! That isn’t possible! I also made him watch What Not To Wear with me, which he didn’t like, I guess there just wasn’t enough gay men talking about fashion on the show (ie Queer Eye).
Well I must go for now, I have to go hyperventilate over daycare before the offspring get home.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Employment Happens, Cue Anxiety Attack
Yes, yes it is true. I am EMPLOYED again. It’s exciting… to me anyway. I am going to be trained as a CAKE DECORATOR! Which is completely amazing and fabulous and for anyone who knows my love of CAKE (frosting), it’s a PERFECT MATCH for me! Woohoo! Just call me Cupcake from now on!
Anyway, I went for my drug test on Thursday and was quite surprised when they took a HAIR sample instead of a URINE sample. I spent all day Wednesday drinking water and practicing peeing in a cup for nothing! Well not really, I spent most of Wednesday on the couch feeling sick, but hey, that’s what happens when I drink a MILK shake! Have I mentioned that I’m LACTOSE INTOLERANT?? I have, well why the hell do I keep forgetting that? Whatever, MOVING ON… I go fill out the rest of my paper work today – pending the results of my drug test (thank goodness I gave up my expensive cocaine habit about the same time I gave up the Members Only jackets, Miami Vice and parachute pants) – and go for orientation Tuesday evening. YAY! I have a JOB!
Shortly after the realization of that fabulous fact, I needed to sit down, breath into a paper bag and put my head between my legs. Not so much because I’m finally employed again, but because I realized that now that the Little People’s summer break is quickly approaching that I would need to find DAY CARE for them. (Hold on a sec, the air has once again been sucked from the room, feeling dizzy… no worries… it’ll pass). The last day of school for them is the day AFTER Memorial Day (WTF? Why make them go BACK after the holiday???). Until the end of school, my neighbor has said he is more than willing to watch the girls after school while I work, then two weeks after school the offspring will be in the Kid Nirvana with D. Therefore, I have THAT much time to find affordable DAY CARE, which is well, nearly impossible. Thursday evening I spent many hours on the internet searching my options, fretting over the cost, and doing complicated math problems I thought I had left far behind when I finally passed college algebra.
REGISTRATION COST + EXTRA STUFF FEES = $$$ NEEDED TO GET THEM IN
WEEKLY FEES X NUMBER OF OFFSPRING = ALL OF MY CHECK + SOME MONEY I PULL OUT OF MY ASS
Thursday night I slept very little due to the DAY CARE induced anxiety attacks. Luckily, I was lying down so there was no danger of me passing out and banging my head on something hard… like a cat.
As luck would have it, Super Girl brought home a flyer for the Boys & Girls Club for their Summer Camp program and I was SHOCKED to see that it is actually AFFORDABLE. Well the weekly fee is affordable. The REGISTRATION is the cost of the weekly fee + membership fees for both progeny. It is a little high, but the weekly cost isn’t so high so it works out… or so I think. I was never good with math. Numbers BURN!
However, it means that there is no way in hell I can go to faire final weekend. Just cannot happen. All the money I will be making will need to go towards registration and the first week of DAY CARE. IN ADDITION, well I will probably have to work that weekend so… *sniff* no faire! I will live, it’s all worth it – the job will be incredibly cool.
PS - please note my most impressive use of ALL CAPS. I know, I amaze even myself. ;)
Yes, yes it is true. I am EMPLOYED again. It’s exciting… to me anyway. I am going to be trained as a CAKE DECORATOR! Which is completely amazing and fabulous and for anyone who knows my love of CAKE (frosting), it’s a PERFECT MATCH for me! Woohoo! Just call me Cupcake from now on!
Anyway, I went for my drug test on Thursday and was quite surprised when they took a HAIR sample instead of a URINE sample. I spent all day Wednesday drinking water and practicing peeing in a cup for nothing! Well not really, I spent most of Wednesday on the couch feeling sick, but hey, that’s what happens when I drink a MILK shake! Have I mentioned that I’m LACTOSE INTOLERANT?? I have, well why the hell do I keep forgetting that? Whatever, MOVING ON… I go fill out the rest of my paper work today – pending the results of my drug test (thank goodness I gave up my expensive cocaine habit about the same time I gave up the Members Only jackets, Miami Vice and parachute pants) – and go for orientation Tuesday evening. YAY! I have a JOB!
Shortly after the realization of that fabulous fact, I needed to sit down, breath into a paper bag and put my head between my legs. Not so much because I’m finally employed again, but because I realized that now that the Little People’s summer break is quickly approaching that I would need to find DAY CARE for them. (Hold on a sec, the air has once again been sucked from the room, feeling dizzy… no worries… it’ll pass). The last day of school for them is the day AFTER Memorial Day (WTF? Why make them go BACK after the holiday???). Until the end of school, my neighbor has said he is more than willing to watch the girls after school while I work, then two weeks after school the offspring will be in the Kid Nirvana with D. Therefore, I have THAT much time to find affordable DAY CARE, which is well, nearly impossible. Thursday evening I spent many hours on the internet searching my options, fretting over the cost, and doing complicated math problems I thought I had left far behind when I finally passed college algebra.
REGISTRATION COST + EXTRA STUFF FEES = $$$ NEEDED TO GET THEM IN
WEEKLY FEES X NUMBER OF OFFSPRING = ALL OF MY CHECK + SOME MONEY I PULL OUT OF MY ASS
Thursday night I slept very little due to the DAY CARE induced anxiety attacks. Luckily, I was lying down so there was no danger of me passing out and banging my head on something hard… like a cat.
As luck would have it, Super Girl brought home a flyer for the Boys & Girls Club for their Summer Camp program and I was SHOCKED to see that it is actually AFFORDABLE. Well the weekly fee is affordable. The REGISTRATION is the cost of the weekly fee + membership fees for both progeny. It is a little high, but the weekly cost isn’t so high so it works out… or so I think. I was never good with math. Numbers BURN!
However, it means that there is no way in hell I can go to faire final weekend. Just cannot happen. All the money I will be making will need to go towards registration and the first week of DAY CARE. IN ADDITION, well I will probably have to work that weekend so… *sniff* no faire! I will live, it’s all worth it – the job will be incredibly cool.
PS - please note my most impressive use of ALL CAPS. I know, I amaze even myself. ;)
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Playing Catch Up
So let’s see…where to start…. Mother’s Day. Okay Mother’s Day just passed. For a couple of weeks prior to the big day, the offspring would ask me if I wanted DIAMONDS every time they saw a Kay’s Jewelry commercial (damn K for getting CABLE! More on that later.) this would both amuse me and disturb me. Damn those commercials! Saturday K and the wee people went to a baseball game (YAWN!) with K’s boyfriend then spent the night at his house. So I had utter peace and quiet that evening. And nothing to do. No matter, I sat on the couch, painted my nails and watched What Not To Wear so many times I started to have a panic attack when I looked at my camo Capri pants.
Sunday rolled around and I did something I haven’t been able to do in many many years. I slept in. I slept in really late. I even got up, made a piece of toast and went BACK TO BED!!! It was AWESOME. Only the cats tried to wake me that morning and I just shoved them off the bed. Though I was enjoying the silence, I was starting to miss the family by lunchtime… It was my day for them to be my SERVANTS and my SERVANTS were not there to SERVE ME! Luckily, K was headed home with the progeny to take me out for a delightful Mexican lunch, which was good because I was really tired of eating toast.
Lunch was fabulous; the best part being dessert of the people shaped sopapias – sopapeople. Which look more than just a little bit like voodoo dolls (which is why I HAD to order them). When my adorable little Tiny Terrorists got their sopapeople, they did the cutest thing! They started quoting CSI and pretending they were doing autopsies! It melted my heart. However, discussing taking out vital organs seemed to displease the table next to us. How was I to know they weren’t big fans of CSI?
We topped off the day by going to the store to buy ME some art supplies and ME reminding the offspring that it was all about ME and they had to SERVE ME for the day. (Can you believe they thought that was utter bullcrap and REBELED against the suggestion?!?!?!?! Talk about ungrateful!) All in all it was a most fabulous Mother’s Day!
PS – I got a steak dinner also!
So let’s see…where to start…. Mother’s Day. Okay Mother’s Day just passed. For a couple of weeks prior to the big day, the offspring would ask me if I wanted DIAMONDS every time they saw a Kay’s Jewelry commercial (damn K for getting CABLE! More on that later.) this would both amuse me and disturb me. Damn those commercials! Saturday K and the wee people went to a baseball game (YAWN!) with K’s boyfriend then spent the night at his house. So I had utter peace and quiet that evening. And nothing to do. No matter, I sat on the couch, painted my nails and watched What Not To Wear so many times I started to have a panic attack when I looked at my camo Capri pants.
Sunday rolled around and I did something I haven’t been able to do in many many years. I slept in. I slept in really late. I even got up, made a piece of toast and went BACK TO BED!!! It was AWESOME. Only the cats tried to wake me that morning and I just shoved them off the bed. Though I was enjoying the silence, I was starting to miss the family by lunchtime… It was my day for them to be my SERVANTS and my SERVANTS were not there to SERVE ME! Luckily, K was headed home with the progeny to take me out for a delightful Mexican lunch, which was good because I was really tired of eating toast.
Lunch was fabulous; the best part being dessert of the people shaped sopapias – sopapeople. Which look more than just a little bit like voodoo dolls (which is why I HAD to order them). When my adorable little Tiny Terrorists got their sopapeople, they did the cutest thing! They started quoting CSI and pretending they were doing autopsies! It melted my heart. However, discussing taking out vital organs seemed to displease the table next to us. How was I to know they weren’t big fans of CSI?
We topped off the day by going to the store to buy ME some art supplies and ME reminding the offspring that it was all about ME and they had to SERVE ME for the day. (Can you believe they thought that was utter bullcrap and REBELED against the suggestion?!?!?!?! Talk about ungrateful!) All in all it was a most fabulous Mother’s Day!
PS – I got a steak dinner also!
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