Valentine Card


Okay, I'm having a sappy MOM moment. Super Girl just finished making a Valentine's Card for her Aunt D. She wrote a short letter inside. I'm so proud of her, she sounded out all the words and wrote her little sentences. I'm all teary!

Ditchin' A Bad Date

There have been times in my life I have wished I had something like this.

We've all had bad dates. Luckily it's been over a year since I've had a bad date I needed to escape from.

My most memorable bad date worthy of escape was a blind double date that I had been set up on by friends. This was back when I was either a senior in high school or just out of high school. I had gone with a friend to her boyfriends house, and while they were messing around on the bed, I was at his computer typing away to someone on some BBS. Turns out that it was my friends boyfriends best friend. We talked for a while until boyfriend's mom came to douse them with cold water (call them for dinner). A day or so later boyfriend gave his best friend my phone number. He called and we talked, we got along well and had a lot in common. We talked on the phone for a week or two - we even called each other on the commercials as we watched The Omen on TV one night. Now Kirby - that was friends boyfriend - would always be evasive when I asked what his friend looked like. I'm not all hung up on looks so it wasn't a huge deal since we got along well on the phone. My friend decided that it was TIME for THE BIG DATE and she set up for all four of us to go to a movie premier one Saturday afternoon. We meet up and I see this guy. The first thing I notice is that he has the BIGGEST NOSE I have EVER seen on a human being. I mean HUGE. Like I said, I'm not totally hung up on looks so it's not a big deal. What was a big deal was that within seconds of meeting me in person, Big Nose totally fucking ignores me! Seriously! We go to Wendy's for lunch, he says absolutly NOTHING to me as we ride in is lemon yellow Volvo. He did spring for my burger - woohoo, big spender. At the theater as we stand in line he turns his BACK to me! My friend was sooooo embarassed she kept whispering appologies to me. His appaling behavior just made me focus more on his freakishly large nose and I kept repeating in my head "Don't stare at his nose! Don't stare at his nose! What a dick, why isn't he talking to me? Fuck! that's a huge schnooz!" I was thankful for the movie so that I didn't have to see his BIG ASS NOSE any more or deal with the silent treatment. Sheesh what an ass... I wouldn't be surprised if he still lives at him with his mom and surfs porn in his basement room every night.

Another abysmal date was just about 3 years ago. He SEEMED like a nice guy. We met at one of my favorite places for dinner. The whole time he kept stareing at me and telling me how 'cuddly' I was. I ate quickly, he was creepy. After dinner he tries to stiff the waiter on dinner then acts like it was an accident. *eyes rolling up in head* He gets me to sit in his car so we can *talk* - my mistake. I spent the next half hour pushing his hands off me as he tried to touch me, kiss me, hug me between telling me how pretty I was and how cuddly I was. I finally told him I had to go. Then he asked for a blow job and exposed his pittifully small penis to me. Yeah, I was so gone.

Another looser spent the entire time watching the game at the sports bar and ignoring me. Even the bartender was giving me sympathy. I had enough and told him 'later', he insisted on walking me to my car at that point and had the nerve to ask for SEX! (actually he mumbled so I had to ask him to repeat himself) I said 'I don't think so.' and pushed him away when he tried to kiss me.

I suspect that bad dates are easy to come by, it's the good dates that are quite rare.

Really Big Penis Night



Petey and I went to karaoke last night. That's my second choice outfit after some fucked up incident involving a shirt ripping on the seams a la Incredible Hulk. Okay, that's a lie, but it ripped and I had to change into the on in the picture


Ha - Fucking - Ha

Petey had prepared my seat for me. Nice plastic garbage bag covers there. I threatened him bodily if he told the story of the car at the bar.

My Bitch Sings


As most know, Petey IS MY BITCH. That is not to imply anything sexual, he's just my bitch. Occasionally the table turns and I'm his bitch, but usually - he's my bitch. In the past Petey has stated his dislike for Karaoke - yet he's been to karaoke with me twice. He's also stated that he won't sing karaoke - but here is photographic proof that My Bitch sings. This is a photo from when I was making him fuck up his FIRST song - yeah that's right, he sang like THREE songs, Mr. I-don't-sing-karaoke.

The best phrase of the night: Mild mannered and some what conservative Heidi telling a story and repeating the phrase "Really large penis" several times.

Best drama of the evening: The break up of a couple. Public breakups are intersting to say the least.

Weirdest moment: The really cute girl kissing the really unattractive scary guy.

At anyrate, Petey, who's an attention whore, is hooked - everyone loves him. He's very funny. Come to the dark side Petey!

Good Reading!

If you haven't ever checked out Savage Love, you should. Brutaly honest advice about sex and relationships from a snarky gay guy, what's not to love?

King Cake


So yesterday was Fat Tuesday and K asked... no BEGGED me to make a King Cake. I agreed and here it is. Not sure why the colors are so muted, but it IS the correct colors. Instead of a little baby doll, I put in a shiny new quarter as I just didn't have a tiny baby doll in the pantry and I though putting Barbie in the cake would have been overkill.

A Year Of Cock!


I mean The Year Of The Cock! At any rate I'm looking forward to it. Happy Chinese New Year! Go out and celebrate with some cock!

Nemesis


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmm... what do you think?

One For The Rental List


John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Oh fuck, I must see this dog of a movie.

YIKES!

Read this story. It just makes ME hurt and I'm a girl!

Cooooooffffffeeeeeee.... Cooooooofffffeeeee....
(anyone who has seen Shaun Of The Dead should conjure up images from that movie - and if you haven't seen that movie, well you SUCK!)

I woke this morning with my sinus' feeling like they had been packed with cement. Ugh. I took a NON-DROWSY sinus tablet - just one, not the recommended two. As soon as I returned from getting Super Girl on the bus I crashed on the sofa. So much for fucking non-drowsy sinus tablets! Lucky for me Cabbage Patch is still not feeling 100% and she's not tearing around the house getting into things.

Currently I'm sucking down some delicious coffee in hopes of gaining full consiousness.

Obnoxious - Even In Dreams

This morning my alarm woke me from a rather comical dream, wherein I was being obnoxious. All I remember is that a friend was over and he said he was going to go outside to smoke, I said okay and as his hand reached the door handle I heard a loud crack of thunder. He opened the door and it was POURING outside. He stands there dejectedly with the cigarette hanging from his lips as I laugh loudly and say "I guess that's a message for you to quit!" He looks at me with an unamused look and lucky for me the alarm went off as I suspect he might have been about to choke me.

What ARE They Teaching My Kid???

I was just looking at some papers Super Girl brought home, one is a series of papers that say 'I wish I had 100...' and the kids fill in the blank. It appears that my progeny wrote Nukes, as in I wish I had 100 nukes. The picture she drew to go with this page sheds no light toward it being anything other than nukes as it's a person colored red screaming 'Oooooooooho'. My child wants nukes and a hundred of them. I suppose she is planning to take over the world or destroy it. I know her birthday is coming up this weekend, but please, please, please don't buy her a nuke.

Disturbing


I'm not exactly certain why I find that disturbing. I don't think it's the missing nose or the fact that Kennedy fits so well into the mismatched outfit. Maybe it's because Kennedy is a BOY! Gender confused teddy bears are just wrong. Even in this household. ;o)

Falling Down On The Job

Many moments in my life have been puncuated by my pants/panties falling down. Let me illuminate you on this. My first memorable incident of gravity defying underpants happend when I was 6 years old. My sister, who is 2 years older and at that time in history was in fact a bigger kid than me, had some lovely panties that I coveted as much as a 6 year old can covet (which is a shit-load more than one would imagine and probably some kind of elementary major level sin). I decided to wear them one day despite the fact that they were large on me. At recess I decided to join my class mates on the playground and ran for the door like the rest of them. Lucky for me I had a desk toward the back of the class, as I reached the door to the blessed outside a large teachers hand held me back and a voice interupted my playground dreams with words about needing to go into the bathroom to fix my panties. I looked down and saw that my panties were at my ankles. My first inclination was to kick them off and run to claim a swing before all of them were taken, but at my teachers insistance I hiked up my drawers and headed to the bathroom where she kindly saftey pinned them and they stayed put the rest of the day. Looking back I could swear that she was snicker the whole time, hmmm... and in my 6 year old mind I just thought she had a cold.

That was the first, since then there have been more moments of my trusted undergarments deciding to vacate my ass without notice (and I'm not talking about all the drunken moments of panty loss). I just have untrustworthy undies. Most recently I lost some weight so my drawers are... well... a bit baggy. heh. A few weeks ago I went to the store in some well baggy shorts... that the zipper doesn't stay up well... (I know I need to buy some new ones, but hey I'm cheap!). I had to go to the store to get some milk, as I entered the store I had this odd feeling, kind of like my pants were EXTRA BIG and then it occured to me that my pants were atempting to reach the floor. I had to try to fasten my pants (the button came undone), zip them and pull them back UP (not necessairly in that order) while NOT looking like that's exactly what I was doing. See the store was full of people. I did manage to get my pants back up if only for the mortifying fear of them falling and EVERYONE seeing what hidious undies I had on (it was laundry day, so it was UGLY PANTY day).

Today I was reminded of these (and other) panty falling moments as I walked Super Girl to the bus stop. This cold morning a I walked to the bus stop with one child holding each hand, I noticed my undes inching down with every step. Futily I tried to keep them up by hiking them up every few steps but that became impossible as Cabbage Patch started whineing and trying to free herself from the death grip I had on her tiny wrist. Eventually I was just thankful for the pants I was wearing as the crotch of the pants was the only thing holding them up as they sagged down below my butt cheeks. I need to have a fund raiser for new undies. Maybe I'll add a paypal button for a panty fund.

And that's it... that's my story. I'm Judy and my underwear doesn't fit.

*No fears people, I did buy 4 pairs of new undies last week, so no need to cringe and wonder if my butt cheeks are exposed when we are together.

Is It Possible?

Could I REALY REALLY FINALLY be WELL? (Physically, not mentally - I'm not holding my breath on that one ya know) It's 2:14 pm and I don't have the overwhelming urge to take a very very long nap under a very snuggly blanket (or a raggedy ass afghan, two small cats and a feverish toddler).

Cabbage Patch is holding on to her fever as though it were the last piece of chocolate cake. She just isn't shaking the damn thing. It's LOWER than it was, but it won't stay gone very long. Her fever will break and she'll be fine, running through the house terrorizing the cats then she'll be laying on the couch stareing blankly at Scooby Doo or better yet asleep and I'll think... hmmm better check for fever and damn it, she'll have a 99 degree temp. And the guilt, oh the guilt! I have guilt because I'm not totally heart broken about this, there is something to be said for PEACE and QUIET and for not having to clean the living room more than once a day.

Well back to the sewing!

PS - I just sent an e-mail to a friend that contained the line "I've just been so busy it's been a miracle if I even manage to find a moment to scratch my ass in peace much less send out e-mails. "

Infinite David Hasselhoff Project

Because XXX is not only sexy but a comic genius, I give you THIS (stolen from his blog) (don't look to long, it will damage your eye sight).

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping

Damn, just how many times can one person go to WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?? Or should I say, how many times do I have to be tortured by WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?

I had to go back yesterday after work to get a few things that I need to finish a project. As I was leaving WallyWorld I was struck by a thought that strikes me every so often when I'm at WallyWorld. My work smock is the exact same fucking color as the WallyWorld smocks. Ugh.

On to other shopping...

Later yesterday afternoon we go to Old Navy to get Super Girl some pants - I had a $25 gift card to use and she's growing so quick! We go to the NEW store that opened up near by. After looking through a bunch of crap I finally find two pairs of pants and one shirt for her. When it was time to check out, we were greated with the BITCHIEST sales person to check us out, I was so irritated at the end of the transaction I almost tossed the gift card on the counter and told her to keep it (stuff it) as I would never step foot back in there to use the rest - which is likely I never will but my mental filter kicked in and kept me polite.

Now I'm going to be talking smack about K's boyfriend, which is something I generally refrain from doing on here.

B wanted to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond because he needed a shower caddy. heh. So we go and we walk around the store - that place is sooooo expensive! They have some of the COOLEST things there - I saw this bath set that had pictures on it from my FAVORITE artist - Theophile Alexandre Steinlen- I was lusting over all of that. Anyway B carefully inspected the shower caddys available and finally decided on an achingly plain one that made me want to blurt out "What? Your going to spend that kind of money on that? You could get it cheaper at WallyWorld!" Later I told K that and he kind of snickered and told me that B doesn't shop at WallyWorld. Heh. Funny.

Home On A Saturday Night

What a sad and pathetic thing that is. I'd soooo much rather be else where... like SA with XXX, but fucking work expects me to actually WORK to get paid. Assholes. We were to have a game tonight but my virulent children ran all the gamers off - the venue was changed and everyone punked out after that. My children are no longer bio-hazzards (well no more than usual) but we still have no one over. I had the option to go to The New Mrs. S and her husband's for some frivolity but I think I shall opt instead to sit at home watching Kill Bill Vol. 2 and maybe do some sewing. I went shopping and for some damn reason a trip to SUPER Wally World sucks the time out of the air around me and a trip that started at 7 pm ended at 9:30 pm! Far to late to drive across town then have to leave at 11:30 pm so I can get to bed at midnight as I have that fucking job thing that screws up my weekends. *deep cleansing breaths... reminding myself that I'm working to make my sewing business support me so I can QUIT working the weekends and spend them sleeping in and waking up next to XXX more often.* Also I have a headache. Damn sinus headache. I was also invited to go clubbing with a friend tonight but declined as I think I spent WAY to much at a bar recently and want to save my meager funds for a differnt night of clubbing (I believe the 12th I'll be clubbing since I won't be spending the weekend languishing in bed with the hot and sexy XXX ).

Oh enough of my self absorbed whining about not being with XXX... On to other things.

205

Do you know that number is for? K knows... it's his number... as in his cholesteral. Last time it was checked he was all proud of himself that he wasn't in the HIGH range because he was holding out at 195. *ahem* Just because 200 is where the HIGH starts does not mean that 195 is GOOD dude. So he's agreed to join me on my eating plan and stop bringing crap into the house (which is good because he brings in crap and I end up with a BIGGER ass - yes, yes I know just because it's IN the house doesn't mean I HAVE to put it IN my mouth). He's going to get his cholesteral checked again in March when he gives blood again and I'm hopeing that if he sticks with eating well and getting a little exercise (walking around the lake in the evenings) he'll be able to drop his cholesteral by 10 points. I told him that he if doesn't, then he can fucking go back to eating Big Mac's and candy bars and I'll leave him alone. In the mean time I'll be getting my money's worth on my E-Diets account.

Cereal Debates

I dread the cereal section at the store. The act of the wee ones selecting a box of cereal can take 10 to 15 minutes. It's agonizing. I'm a mean mother, I don't let the Little People get sugar coated, marshmellow filled, nutrisionally void cereals. I don't care how freaking cheap it might be, I won't buy it. It's cool really, the kids like the GOOD cereals I let them get, but they are at the age now that they MUST select their OWN creal. Today it was a debate over getting a HUGE box of Kix or one getting LIFE and the other getting Corn Flakes or Chex creal. At the point that I was about to smack them both with a box of creal and choose for them they made a compromise and the tortured trip to SUPER Wally World was able to continue.

KFC Chicken Strips Elvis Would Return From The Dead (the mother ship really) For

Dear lord, I think I would sell my dark and tarnished not so immortal soul for KFC Chicken Strips (if it wasn't already being leased out to some lesser demonic cult). Last night in a bid to get the ever so sick Little People to eat, K ventured out to KFC to procure some chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, mashed potatoes with gravy and biscuits. This was a DIRECT request from Super Girl who hadn't eaten much all day.

K returned with the *cue angelic music and back lighting* CHICKEN STRIPS (and other food). I had NEVER tried the *cue music and lighting again* CHICKEN STRIPS before. The Little People didn't eat much more than the mashed potatoes with gravy and a bite of the chicken. THEN I tried them... but let me back up a bit, last week when I had to go to the City of Plano and hand over my money and promise them the rest of my black, black soul (when the cult is done with the lease) to keep my lame ass out of jail, I had lunch with K at McDonald's (mecca to every child living the US), I got the chicken strips there and after a couple of bites wished I had opted for the chicken nuggets as the strips sucked ass. Anyway... In a moment frozen in time, last night I bit into the delectable *cue music and lighting once again* KFC CHICKEN STRIPS and very nearly had either a religous experience or a sexual one, I'm not sure really but damn those strips are good! I already KNEW that I would seriously mame for KFC mashed potatoes and gravy (with a flaky biscuit) and a juicy crispy breast, but now I believe I would consider MURDER for the strips (luckily I don't have to as they seem to be readily available - and at a drive thru even).

Really SAD Compairison

Fuck, I need to get laid. Did you catch that food reference to sex? That's so damn sad. Sex is better than any food (yes even Godiva chocolates even though they come in VERY VERY close to a good orgasm). It's not like I don't have batteries for Bob and Bob Jr. (or that they aren't getting used and abused on a regular basis) - I need a trip to XXX again (or a visit from him - my bed is always open to you sweetie).

Okay, the kids are off to bed, time to watch 'Kill Bill Vol 2' then maybe catch 'Alien Vs Preditor'. I know, lame way to spend a Saturday night.

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Hmmm... Is that me?

One Year Ago Tomorrow...

Is when I met and fell head over heels in love with XXX. I was tempeted to bore everyone with the story of how we met but I'll spare ya. Instead I'll make your stomach turn by writing a letter to my sweetie.

Dearest XXX;
Thank you so much for being in my life this past year. I treasure every single moment we have shared together. Though we are miles away, you are always close to my heart and near in my thoughts. You're even sexier today than the day I met you. I can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Judy

Good Friends

Petey is probably one of my best damn friends in the whole freaking world. Thanks for getting me home. Thanks for not hateing me for barfing in your car. Thanks for being so fucking much fun to hang out with!

So I went out to karaoke on Wednesday night with Petey. Since he was the designated driver I was imbibing quite a bit. More than I should have. I won't tell you HOW much just take my word for it that it was A LOT.

Yesterday morning I felt like shit and figured I had a lovely HANG OVER. Mid day I still felt like shit and was running a fever and Cabbage Patch was feverish and listliss so I started to doubt this was all hang over and maybe I was just SICK AGAIN. I spoke to someone who was at karaokee the night before and she told me that she too was ill - she had been sitting across from me. DAMN IT! I Was SICK AGAIN!

Today both kids were running fevers over 101, so Super Girl is home. Luckily I'm feeling much better today.

Hedgehog Day


Happy Hedgehog Day! Well that's what Super Girl insisted it was when she got home from school today. Heh. Damn hedgehog saying 6 more weeks of winter. Kill Sonic!

I Wonder If Lorena Bobbitt Did It?

I just read this story, really quite sad that people get so offended by nude art and would choose to vandalize it destroying someone's hard work and personal expression.

Absurd Things
Thanks XXX for these!

A Klingon Wedding...

Aborted gummy baby.

Action figure kidnapped.

Ramblings

I hate going to a store that supposedly specializes in something and not being able to find the kind of something I'm looking for. Fuckers. Wasting my time.

It's cold here tonight. And rainy. Drove out in the cold rain. It was DARK on the roads around here (no street lights) - prime alien abduction territory. Except that there were lots of cars around so no such luck in being abducted. When we left the fabric store, it was a LOT later than we expected so we are speculating that we were actually abducted and didn't realize it.

Me: Wow! Where did the time go??? Maybe we were abducted by aliens.
K: Oh! Anal probe!
Me: *rolling eyes* Sheesh! Enough with your gay fantasy!

Back home we go and now I need a nap, except it's like 10 pm and I can't take a nap now that would just be bed time, but if I go to bed NOW I'll be up at 4 am!!! I can't do that.

Second night in a row I've had an offspring disturbing my sleep. Ugh. I hate that. Must convince progeny that sleep deprived mommy is much more frightening than the monster under the bed.

Anyway, I can't go to bed now, I have PROJECTS to finish and I'm all motivated to get them done. I'm afraid that if I SLEEP that all the motivation that I have at this very moment will escape my body and I'll once again be possesed by absolute procrastination. Damn, sucks to be a slacker.

And now something funny to watch. Hot and sexy XXX sent that to me. heh.

Crazy Bear


Some people are pissed about this bear being on the market. I think he's adorable! I want a Crazy For You bear. Although... the Elvis Love Me Tender Bear is damn cute also. My only question about the bears is if the Crazy bear comes with a bottle of Prozac and if the Elvis bear comes with... well a bottle of pills too?

Tasteless Yet Funny
(at least to me!)

Volkswagen isn't happy about this hoax ad. heh, wonder why?

Still Smirking

Looking down and seeing the packaging for the 'Classic Butt Plug' and noticing the highlighted phrase 'Fire up the plug!'

hehehe.... Go ahead, laugh, you know it's funny.

Speaking of Spicy And Chinese

Damn it. I just opened my fridge to get a snack and some tasty French vanilla creamer for my coffee and the bar that holds things securely in the bottom shelf on the door let go. Just finished cleaning up hot pepper juice and soy sauce.

Waiting For Sal To Arrive

Sal as in Salmonella. Last night the torential rains detered myself and K from venturing out to secure food for dinner. (well not torential but it WAS raining) Instead we foraged through the kitchen until we found something suitable. A take out menu for out favorite Chinese restaraunt. Perfect, no one has to venture out in the rain and someone else cooks!

Instead of my usual (garlic chicken, extra hot, no onions or broccoli in garlic sauce - very hot) I ventured out and got somthing that promised chicken, beef and shirmp (with some veggies) in a spicy sauce (I asked for it to be a little hotter though). We all stared blankly at some movie as we languished on the couch waiting for the tiny oriental guy who braved the very cold rain and wind to bring us our hot and tasty dinner (conveniently packed in microwavable containers - makes it easy to send K off to work with leftovers).

I served the Little People food for them to turn their noses up at then served myself, all the while anticipating my super tasty meal complete with nummy shrimp - I really wanted the shrimp. I ate a few of the shrimp and kept thinking they tasted 'off' - kind of 'fishy' actually. I avoided the rest of the shrimp with much disapointment and when I finished my plate of food (minus the remaining shrimp) I wondered aloud if the shrimp was more than a little 'off' and whether I'd get a lovely case of salmonella from them. If I did it would be the SECOND time I've gotten it from Chinese food.

Anyway, probably not going to get sick from dinner but I'm still stuck with the lingering disapointment of a meal that I paid for that just sucked. And I still want some SHRIMP! (I'll keep the blog posted if Sal does decide to show up though)

The Art Of Procrastination

I'm a serious procrastinator. I always have been. I generally get my things done in time but for some idiotic reason I wait until the absolute LAST possible moment to do them. Not everything mind you, but many things. In high school and college I would wait to write my entire research papers until the night before, armed only with a handful of source books and a book I was supposed to have read, I always finished and never got below a B+ on content (editing was generally out of the question since I was finishing up at 3 am, my senior research paper sported a lovely 98% for content and 15% for puncuation and spelling). But I digress...

I have finally finished making Cabbage Patch's lovely coat. The temperatures have been steadily in the 40's for nearly a week so I figured it was TIME to make the damn coat. The REALLY sad and pathetic part... it took me less than an hour to make.

I'd love to break this habit as I'm really wanting to make a go of sewing to support my own damn self and not waiting until mere hours before a deadline would be quite advantagous. Any suggestions on breaking it? *Don't suggest I give up my double Roofiecolada for lunch or my 3 hours of mid afternoon passing out/nap time (something about the Roofiecolada ya know), I've worked very hard to cultivate a decent addiction and I think I'm finally getting to be an intersting addict worthy of whispers and speculation.

Now the best part of having finished her truly adorable coat is that she does NOT want to wear it. She has a raggedy ass looking blue hoodie jacket that she LOVES. *sigh*

* I actually gave up my Roofiecolada habit when my **local dealer raised the price unexpecedly.

** heh, kidding, the only roofies I ever had in my possesion were my cats.

A Riddle For Monday

Q: What does one get with two kids and two cats in one bed at 4 AM?

A: Absolutly NO sleep!

Some days it doesn't pay to be a parent... oh wait... I don't get a pay check for this.

Civic Minded White Supremacist

Just read this story about the Nazi Party picking up trash on the road... I'm not even sure what type of comment to make on this... Shocked is about the only thing I can muster. Ahhh what a great country we live in.

Gayest Party Ever

Yesterday I went to the GAYEST party. No really, it was. I swear I was the ONLY straight adult there. It was fun. Cookie decorating party with a bunch of lesbians is eventful, education and a lot of fun.

This Post Brought To You By The Letter P...
And The Color Yellow...
And The Number 1

Today was my BIG DAY to go take care of my traffic tickets. That meant it was to be a really busy day. Not a good day for intestinal issues.

My cup of coffee while reading e-mail was interupted by an urgent trip to the bathroom. Ugh. I figured it would pass, maybe just something from yesterday didn't agree with me. After driving K to work, dropping Super Girl at school (which by the way for some reason her getting out of the car and walking off to school by her self makes me all teary eyed every single time! She's growing up so fast!) I hurried home as I had another urgent call to the bathroom to attend to. I layed down on the couch about 10 am with Cabbage Patch and fell asleep. K called at 11 am to find out when I was leaving to meet him for lunch... I assured him we were leaving right then - and hurridly woke Cabbage Patch (who didn't appreciate that one single bit) and we left. K cashed his check and we had lunch at McDonalds.

My stomach started feeling bad part way through my chocolate shake and chicken strips but I figured I could hold out until we got home as I dispise using public toilets. No really I do. I have been known to hold out from going pee at work all day just to avoid the public restroom. I absolutly refuse to use the toilet on the bus and will hold it for the entire 5 hour trip - I think I would almost rather my bladder burst than use the questionable facilities on the bus. I've held it for hundreds of miles because a gas station bathroom was too dirty/scary/smelly/creepy. This is a great ability especially back when I used to do a lot of drinking, I could drink all night and be the only girl who hadn't gone to the bathroom 15 times. But I digress. I wasn't so lucky today in my neverending quest to avoid public restrooms. Right before we left McDonalds I KNEW I HAD to go right then. I enter the bathroom and some grandma is getting her two grandkids to wash their hands. I head to the first stall I see and right before I can touch the door Grandma says "Excuse me! Our stuff is still in there." I continue walking and she repeats her self, I realize she's talking to me and stop. Not a good thing when someone is singlemindedly heading for a toilet while desperately clenching one's butt cheeks. Big sigh as I change directions quickly. While I think to myself "What the fuck? Why did she leave her stuff in the stall to wash hands? This isn't her private bathroom. What a rude woman!" Leaving the stall I have to ask the kids to MOVE out of the way so I could wash my hands as they are now taking up the floor space while putting on their coats in the narrow rest room, I turn to dry my hands and AGAIN have to get these people out of my way (another person had entered while I was washing and now she was waiting for them to get out of the way so she could get to the stall!). I left the bathroom and the restaraunt before grandma and her grandkids and was thorougly irritated that grandma didn't have the common sense or common courtesy to not occupy the entire bathroom. Dumbass.

After lunch, I headed to my bank to depost money (can't have my check for my ticket bouncing - not only would I get charged a fee for that but they would issue a warrant for the ticket - says so right on the ticket) then headed to the lovely city of Plano to keep that warrant from being issued. Unlike the last time I was at the court house, today there was a nice long line to stand in. *sigh* Me with a restless 3 year old standing in a long line. Lovely. When we were just 2 people from the window I suddenly had that URGE. I start mentally willing people to go faster and was barely able to pay attention to the man ahead who came in to take care of his ticket but waited way to long and was now being told to step to the back of the room, don't leave the building and an officer would process him. Oops. I finally got my chance and got done, seemed like it took forever, but that was probably just because I was trying to keep my 3 year old still while writing a check, getting my identification, listening to the instructions on the payments to make and still NEEDING to get to the bathroom. Luckily the restrooms are right next to the exit so no desperate search had to be made.

By the time we got back home it was 3 pm. Thirty minutes until time to get Super Girl from the bus. Time enough to make a couple of phone calls. One call was to my super sexy boyfriend XXX. One day maybe I'll put the contents of that conversation on here as it was amusing to discuss our mutual dislike of using public facilities. In the conversation I told how just a couple of days ago I had woken Cabbage Patch so we could get Super Girl from the bus. Now Cabbage Patch HATES to be woken from her slumber. She wakes like an angry badger, infact we call her The Badger when she's like that. That particular day I woke her just 10 minutes before going to get Super Girl (I always hope she'll wake on her own an I'll be able to avoid The Badger). She bitched and moaned all the way to the bus stop and was actively and energeticly whining and crying when I look down and realize that she was so angry about being woken that she didn't realize she needed to pee before we left and that she had wet her pants. That just made her more upset. Then yesterday she woke moments before time to leave in a decent mood. When we get to the bus stop she looks at me desperately and says "Mamma! I need to potty!" There's no time to go back home so I ask her "If we go behind the bushes, can you pull down your pants and panties and go pee?" She says yes and I head her over to a small cluster of bushes. Her first public peeing. I'm happy she didn't wet her pants. Super Girl's first public peeing was nearly traumatic for both her and I and she somehow managed to pee on her panties, so this was much smoother. Today we go and as soon as we get to the bus stop, Cabbage Patch heads to the bushes saying she has to go potty. I suddenly realize that she thought peeing in the bushes was cool and wants to do it again! I tell her that she's going to have to hold it as the bus is almost there. I've turned my child into a public pee'er!

Ah well it all worked out.

Good to know.

What Kind Of 60's Person Are You?

My results:


You are a Radical. Right on!

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by

Will You Touch My Monkey?

L was lucky enough to have someone teach her how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in Romanian, unfortunately she can't remember how to say it now. Damn. I want to know how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in as many languages as possible, I now want to say "Will you touch my monkey?" to everyone I meet. I want a shirt that says it! Hell I may even change one of my children's name to "Will you touch my monkey?" I've got monkey fever. I am the creator of the fabulous Angry Albino Sock Monkey, I believe THIS phrase ("Will you touch my monkey?") is to be MY phrase! Ahahahahahahaha!!! WILL YOU TOUCH MY MONKEY????? *


*I'm still under the influence of many OTC medications, sometimes mixing them makes for interesting results. Will you touch my monkey?

How To Ruin Hottie Status

My neighbor across from me is a hottie. He runs and on occasion I get lucky enough to be walking back to my place when he's on the trail, we wave and nod as he passes and my eyes follow his tight little ass until he's out of sight. Yesterday morning as I returned from the bus duties I saw Hottie Neighbor outside and said "Hi, how are you?" He said "Doing good, just getting ready to pick up dog poop." Ahhhh... ummm... okay, thanks for that one. He's no longer Hottie Neighbor in my mind, he's now Dog Shit Picker Upper... and for some reason, that just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Somthing To Ponder...

I wonder if they'll ever catch this guy? I suppose they could stake out all the places that sell cases of batteries and gallons of lube at wholesale prices.

Go figure.

Recovery In Sight

I'm finally getting better. Either that or I've finally found the right combination of chemicals to make me feel better. Whatever it is, I'm happy.

I spent the whole freaking weekend sleeping, either on the couch or in my bed.

The Little People seem to be over this and back to being nice (thankfully).

A Little Behind...

No not mine, it's a LOT of behind. I mean I'm behind on my shipping of my e-bay items. *sigh* I hate that. Now I have A TON of things to get shipped between today and tomorrow.

Actually I'm behind on everything... laundry, cleaning, sewing, etc. I better get going so I can do some catching up!

Future In A Life Of Crime

I think the Tiny Terrorists are practicing to become cat burgalars. No I'm not making a reference to any type of torture involving my cats, I'm talking about my jewlery.

Today when I woke Destruction up to get Chaos from the bus I pulled the blanket off her as she's very 'moody' when awoken. As I pulled her out of the bed by her toes (she likes it, really she does) I noticed some small things in the bed. I took a closer look and recognized the remains of one of my pearl necklaces. Instantly my face turned red, steam came shooting out of my ears as the top of my head shot right off. Destruction cut her prima donna routine, hopped off the bed and headed for the door shouting "Chaos do'd it!"

I crouched down and picked up all the pearls, gold and garnet beads while Destruction peered around the corner and occasionally pointed me to small cash of beads. After the recovery effort (which I'm not certain recovered all of the necklace) I went to my jewlery box to see what ELSE is missing. Also pilfered were my long strand of pearls, a short double strand of pearls, the matching braclet for the broken necklace and a pearl, onyx and gold bracelet. I am not pleased.

On the walk back from the bus stop I cassually mentioned to Chaos that I wasn't happy that they had been in my jewlery. I wish I had gotten a photograph of her face as I said it, that stunned look was priceless. Her answer was that Destruction had gotten the jewlery. I explained that I KNEW she had something to do with it as Destruction could not reach the top of my dresser to get my jewlery. She explained that Destruction had gotten the jewlery and she saw her with it and I cut in asking why she didn't get me since she KNOWS no one is supposed to be playing with my jewlery and that they were both in trouble now.

When K got home and assessed the situation he made a quick search of thier room and recovered the short double strand of pearls. Chaos got it in her head that we were going to go to a party tonight and dashed upstairs to find the long strand of pearls, so now just two bracelets are missing. Sneaky little brats.

Bits And Pieces

So Super Girl with a broad smile proudly stated that she was going to tell her class about having the snail removed from her ear. Ahhhh, I'm overwhelmed with motherly pride. Then I remembered the two sentences writen on the post removal procedures "Administer childrens Tylenol for pain as needed. DO NOT put any snails in ear." heh.

On to other things...

Christian Conservative groups are now deeply concerned with SpongeBob's gayness. What get's me about this is that what they have a problem with is that 'sexual identity' be included in the 'tolerance pledge'. Hmmm... so basically this group is saying it's morally right to hate gays? M'kay.... How rediculous is it to target cartoon characters and children's show characters in an anti-gay campaign? Come on! Nathan Lane is still alive! What could be gayer than him?? ;o)

Under the influence...

I'm STILL sick. I LOOK sick, like the commercials for the cold/flu medicine. I sound sick - every one who calls says "You sound terrible!", because I'm sick all I manage is a sigh and to say "Yeah I am." Actually I'm feeling better than I have but still sick.

My sister brought me her husband's stash of TheraFlu to help me through this, I how have 4 different formulas of cold/flu remedy to help me through this and have not found the perfect combination of cold/flu remedy to make me appear to be well enough to go to work tomorrow. Tonight will be another Medicine Quest as I search the grocery store for the pills I took last time I had a nasty bug like this, they worked well to make me appear WELL and perky (read: hyper). People cringe at the thought of sick people holding their newborn babies, so I MUST get well.

Weighty issue

Not everything about being sick has been bad. Because I've had either an upset stomach or just no appetite I've managed to take off the last of the 3.5 lbs that Santa deposited on my big ass, either that or blowing one's nose burns more calories than I imagined. eh, whatever, at least they are off.

Tiny Terrorist

I'm happy to report that as of this morning the Little People seem to be nearly recovered from their nasty colds. YAY! They have been most horrible, nasty little beasts this whole time. But the best part of all this is that they seem to no longer be snot factories! Woohoo! I haven't had to say "Go blow/wipe your nose!" all day! Woohoo! The House of Bio-Hazards my finally be coming to an end! Just have to get me well.

Well enough for now, gotta go try to convince a toddler that takeing an early and LONG nap today would be wonderful.

A Snails Tale

A call from the school nurse today regarding Super Girl having a snail in her ear. *sigh* D drove us to the emergency room of a nice shiny new hospital in Plano for snail removal. Because it is a nice shiny new hospital there was no wait and we were in a nice private triage room to await the very good looking and very nice Italian doctor who was quite amused by the snail in the ear prediciment. The very nice handsome Italian doctor deftly removed the crustasian from my childs ear and was kind enough to hold it up for a photo op (D will have to send me the photo to ad here). K had requested the snail so I asked to keep it. Apparently this was the first snail in the ear removal that had been done by the nice handsome Italian doctor and infact first time for the hospital also. I'm hopeing this is our LAST snail in the ear incident.

Best part of the visit:
Me: WHY did you put the snail in your ear?
Her: Because I wanted to keep it.
Me: But why in your ear?
Her: I wanted to hear it slugging around.
Me: *big sigh, eyes rolling*

Worst part of the visit:
All of my anti cold/flu medicine had worn off and I was getting increasingly congested and coughing more and more and my ears were starting to feel as though I too had snails slugging around in them. Ugh...

Pure or NOT!

Go to PureScore and check your score. I took the test three times and scored a big fat 0 with three fireballs EACH TIME! Apparently I'm a deviant with no redeming qualities and would fuck just about anything, anywhere. Which, let me assure you is absolutly NOT true... at least the ANYONE part... that's not true at all, just XXX... or Vin Diseil... maybe Brad Pitt. ;o)

Go take the test, leave your results in the coments to make me feel better (or worse) knowing you are also completly deviant (or not).

Ramblings Of The Infectious Kind
*note - I just finished posting a nice long post and fucking blogger/IE gave me a blank page when I posted and I lost it all. Fuck. So if this is not very interesting or lacks humor, that is the reason.

I'm still sick. Not horribly sick, but sick enough to feel horrible on and off through out the day. Sick enough to high fever occasionally but generally a low fever that breaks with copious amounts of OTC medications. Weeee.

I'm not sure what's the worst part of this cold/flu shit. The cough, the runny nose, the sore throat or the tiredness that feels like lead weights tied to one's extremities. It all sucks.

I fall asleep every time I sit on the sofa. Last night I fell asleep watching LOTR: Two Towers and that fight scene with the orcs riding the worgs kept running through my head.

When K got home yesterday evening we headed out on a quest to procure cold/flu concoctions, so it was off to WallyWorld! I tossed the WallyWorld brand of Nyquil and found a childrens multi-symptom concoction for the Tiny Terrorists then considerd my options for day time relief of my bothersome symptoms. Hmmm.... So many to choose from... I finally decided on the WallyWorld brand of DayQuil, though an unnatural orange color I was won over by the fact that it was just $2.48 and I had always had dandy results with the faux Nyquil.

Last night was full of delightful Nyquil dreams (well until it wore off and I had to get more, but it's all good now). This morning I poured myself a shot of the orange elixer, somewhat expecting it to taste vaguely orangy/mediciny and was rudely shocked when it tasted neither orangy or mediciny or even like Nyqil. It tasted like what I imagine bleach and cat piss mixed together might taste. I mean is that shit supposed to burn my throat??? I gaged and had to FORCE myself to swallow. I'm now hopeing that I will feel VASTLY better by 2pm or maybe I'll be able to scrounge a forgotten cold/flu tablet somewhere in the pantry. And that shit about it being for the DAY as in not going to make you sleepy, well that's bull. I put on Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, sat down on the sofa and the next thing I know I'm waking up to the credits rolling and Cabbage Patch babbling about a tea party and the cat. Go figure.

Letter To The Cosmos

Dear Higher Power;

First and foremost I'd like to ask where my real child is? This little beast who looks like mine is wearing on my very last nerve. I know this creature isn't my sweet child as my child is well sweet and she would never have stacked her chair and her stool on top of an over turned toy chest to get to the top shelf in her closet to remove everything and throw it on the floor, nor would she have taken everything out of her drawers, scatter it all over her room and stand on her dresser, I am confident in saying that my child would not have removed every picture on my wall within her short grasp and she definitly would hot have opened the gerbil cage and tossed bedding all over the living room. Why have you made this horrible switch? Why did you choose to do it while I am ill and when can I have MY child back?

Also, please enlighten me on whatever possesed Super Girl to place a small rock or snail shell (that's what the school nurse said it looked like) in her freaking ear?

Another thing, I'm still sick, can we get this over with already? Have I not got enough going on in my life already?

Warmly,
Judy

Welcome To Bio-Hazard Central!
Complimentary virus on your way out!

I'm sick. I'm also in pain (headache). And I'm coughing. My stomach is upset too. I think this is the flu. I need a shower but I keep falling asleep on the couch. I should still be sleeping - to get better, but my fever has broken briefly and now I'm thinking of all the things I need to do but am to freaking tired to do. Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.

Missed My Calling

So my very dear friend A called tonight. This is a rarity as she's so freaking busy with her life that the only uninterupted time she can talk is at work (but that's a bad idea as I make her laugh and then it's OBVIOUS that she's not working (which is what she pretends to do as she surfs the internet and reads this blog - Love ya A!) and that might just get her fired and as a direct result get me murdered in a most horrible way (I know this as she'd probably call me while she was driving over to kill me and ask the most horrible and painful way to kill someone and in my morbid slightly evil enthusiam I would tell her in great detail but I would neglect to ask exactly WHO she wanted to kill until the very end when she would laugh manicaly for a really long time as she walked up to my door and kocked then say YOU! and hang up... and of course I'd open the door and be murdered by my own methods... hmmm? what was I talking about?) or in her car on the way home. (Hey, someone else called me last week while he was driving home for just about the same reason, although I don't think he'd ever try to murder me (Yo, M, speak up now if you do, just fill me in ya know.) so I'm starting to think that people like calling me as they drive for some reason, maybe because it's really easy to get off the phone if I'm being a total fucking bore (I know it's hard to belive, me being boreing *snicker*) you can just say "Whoa! Gotta go I'm about to get a ticket - although I'd ask that they didn't hang up so I could hear them get a ticket. What? I know I'm evil, get over it) So if you are driving home, feel free to call me, apparently I'm much more entertaining than the traffic.)

A and I were catching up on things, her mom is still dead (I'm not being insensitive, it was funny on the phone!), she's still working and she's ALMOST divorced (A, I dedicate this song to you, although I like this one too, but THIS ONE is my FAVORITE (so ignore the other links)) as in all that NEEDS to happen is her scrawny-little-jerk-ass-unemployed-leach-of-a-man-husband... er, um... I mean *gag* *gag* Huuuuusssband needs to sign the papers. So I gave her some valuable advice (Others would call it unsolicited bullshit that should be kept rattling around my empty head, but I like to think it's worth at least the breath I was breathing it as I flew out of my mouth). I suggested she go in her house and say to him "Gonna sign the papers?" then if he says NO casually mention something about getting his lazy deported (it would be easy to get a divorce in abstencia at that point- it's not like he's really fucking been there all these years ANYWAY, so what's the difference???) or maybe alude to being able to kill him, ya know, with out a body, he'd just be a missing person.

She was laughing very hard and mentioned that I had missed my calling, I quickly said "Marriage counselor?" as I KNOW that's what she meant. I mean what the hell, I'm practically an expert on disfunctional marriages (married to a gay man, 'member) and hell I've been through 4 years of counseling for the marriage, so that practically gives me a degree in counseling! (I could use my years of my own personal counseling for my own personal crazies as credit for a masters - really) My other sage advice that spewed forth was that if he STILL didn't want to sign to start being creepy, like when she pours the carpet freshener on the carpet before vaccuuming to pour it into a pentagram or runes or something, write his name in ketchup on the meatloaf - make it look like it's in blood and leave a knife in the center, anxiously ask him if the drink she just brought him tastes funny then say no reason when he asks WHY and walk away snickering (tis great fun to make someone THINK you are poisoning even when you aren't - hey, stop looking at me, I already admitted I AM EVIL).

Anyway, in all the laughing she was doing as I was advising (I take that as a good sign, laughter means agreement) I forgot to tell her that when the Big D happens we need to have a party or a drunken night out. That will be something to CELEBRATE! Whoohoo! Petey you up for a little drunken debauchery?

*Note: Don't even think of mentioning all the misspellings, etc. I've got a BRAIN FEVER (which is different than a BRIAN FEVER, which is what I wrote first, I belive that involves watching too much of Python's 'Life Of Brian' (which I love because I am Evil... I mean a Jew, because I'm a Jew)). It's cool K just got me something for my ailment - Tylenol PM or asprin or roofies, not sure.

Is Ebay An Option?

Someone make it stop for fuck-sake! Sheesh. Today.... I'm getting the wee one's disease - their mini-misson of infecting everyone with their vile illness is working slowly but surely. And what's the worst part? The snot! Damn, why is it that ever 2 or so hours I look at one of my children and they have a river of snot down their face. What the fuck? Can they not feel it? I know when my nose is running I can fucking feel it and I BLOW MY NOSE! That and listening to the gurguly, bubbly breathing of a child who needs to BLOW THIER NOSE. That disgusting noise just makes me want to jab hot butter knives in my ears to make it stop! It's not like we don't have a freaking tissue around here - so BLOW YOUR DAMN NOSE CHILDREN!

What else sucks? The Tiny Terrotists ARE being terrorists today. They stacked their chair and stool on top of a toy box to get to a wall hanging above their closet door AND to remove EVERYTHING from the top shelf in their closet. *sigh* So much for them playing quietly in their room.

Another thing that sucks is that the cold medication I gave them DOESN'T make them sleepy! Why? Why? Why? For the love of gawd, why? Sick progeny is bad enough, but sick energetic, non sleeping progeny is the WORST.

And I miss XXX. I'm really wishing I had one more day with him... or two... or a week... or two... *sigh*

Post Weekend Report

I had a great weekend. XXX is so wonderful. He picked me up from the airport dressed in a kilt. That is by far the sexiest thing a man can wear. XXX is already an irresistably sexy man, the addition of the kilt left me weak in the knees and damp in the panties. I wasn't sure what to do, stand there and admire his splendor or drag him off to bed for carnal pleasures. I'm sure you can guess which impulse won out - I had all that book learning to try out anyway! My only regret is that I didn't get a photgraph of him in that kilt - I get a involuntary evil grin every time I think of him in it.

The book - I'm not completly finished reading it, but I had read plenty by the time I arrived in San Antonio. XXX is going to have to leave a review as to whether the book was worth the $$ or not.

Anyway, we had a lot of really fabulous sex, we watched some movies, ate some, had some drinks, more fabulous sex and just hung out and had fun. I love being with him no matter what we are doing.

Leaving is always the difficult part, I miss him as soon as I get out of his car. I was just on the verge of tears as I walked to the gate, I just didn't want the weekend to end. *sigh* he really is a very special man.

Anyway, had a great time, had fabulous sex, good food and can't wait to see him again.

8 Hours And Counting...

Until I'm with XXX. So what am I doing to keep myself from going absolutly bonkers (I lack patience)? I'm trying to make a list of important things to remember to bring.

Like...

Sexy underwear (CACIQUE undies rock!) but not UNsexy undies (somebody shoot me if I ever consider purchasing a girdle like that!).

And personal lubricant (Astroglide is my favorite, but I have a sample of K-Y Warming to try, I'd like to get some of the ID Millennium to try also.)

Can't forget the sex toys. Can't forget B.O.B. (though my vibrator isn't silver) or my vibrating egg and the Magic Touch Bullet Mini. I will however be leaving the "Big, shiney, black hummer" at home. Kidding, I don't even own one of THOSE - that was just for Petey (No I'm not explaining, I'd rather you wonder). And this just scares me! Not going to bring the Ben Wa Balls either, to be honest, I've never really figured out what's so good about them.

Gotta remember the silk scarves and blindfold. XXX already has a lovely set of leather restraints so no need to worry about that. Not to mention a fabulous flogger and a nice spanker.

That should just about do it. A change of clothes, my bag of toiletries and a book to read on the plane tucked in there with the other things on the list. It's going to be a fabulous weekend.

Off to fold more laundry and pack my Astroglide, etc.

Quiz

Saw this on my hot and sexy boyfriend, XXX's page.

You Are 23 Years Old

23 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Of course this makes me acting just a couple of years older than XXX acts. As if!

AND...

It's Not Sex. It's ... : Knocking Boots

Get your own Sex Name

I'm counting the hours until I'll be Knocking Boots with XXX.

And now for something completly different...

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

*snort* I figured I'd be an afghan hound or something else with lots of hair! Pitty they didn't have a 'what cat are you?' quiz since I'm more of cat person than a dog person. Oh... a 'what rodent are you?' test would be funny. Hmmmm I think I need some coffee...

Final Quiz - I promise

I Believe In a Thing Called Love by The Darkness

"I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day You got me in a spin but everythin' is A.OK!" You played it cheesy and campy in 2004, but you know how to rock out.

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

*snicker* I do love that song.

Coffee now... need to get packing! 12 hours until I'm on a plane to XXX for a weekend of bliss!

How To Rip My Heart Out Of My Chest
And Make Me Feel Unmeasurable Guilt

Wake up this morning coughing, with a fever and all, then disolve into tears because I won't let you go to school. And when your daddy gets back from the store with medicine for you, look at me with big hopeful eyes and say "Now I can go to school?" *sigh*

Note: This only works if you are a wee child. Adults doing this crap just make me homicidal and that causes me to consult literature on how best to dispose of a body.

Weekend In Paradise!!

This weekend I'm gonna be snuggling with my sweetie! I fly to SA Friday night and fly back on Sunday night. Ahhhh... a weekend with XXX.

In preparation for this fabulous weekend I got a book. Not just any book but a how-to sex book. Okay, it's not like I NEED a how-to book for that, we have some pretty spectacular sex, but ya know, there's nothing wrong with striving for perfection.


So what am I trying to perfect you may be asking yourself (or covering your eyes and running from the room in terror), why my oral abilities of course. I purchased a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio. Reading it now, will be practicing Fri-Sun, will let you know if it's worth the $... or XXX can let you know if it was money well spent.

My Trashy Ghetto Mamma Moment
Or
Bullys Have Bully Mothers

I've been quite busy, that's why I haven't posted lately. I'm still busy and have much to do, but I have to tell about the bully on the bus and my run in with his bitchass mother.

Monday my sister was over dropping off some stuff we are e-baying (gotta pay that ticket somehow!). As she was still here at 3:30 pm we drove to the bus stop to pick up Super Girl. I got out of D's pimped out SUV when the bus pulled up, Super Girl came running off the bus saying "Mom! Mom! He's going to beat me up!" she was scared. I asked her who and she pointed to the bully who was harassing her last week. As we walked to D's truck I assured her no one would beat her up then I turned to the bully and his brother as they were loitering around to hear what I was saying. I told him to leave my kid alone and keep his hands off her. Then I told him to go on home - several times actually. The bully and his brother mouthed off a few times and I continued to tell them the same thing. The boys were now near D's truck, and the bully had a rock in his hand. D get's really tweaked about her truck. Her truck got broken into and vandalized in November so just mentioning that it MIGHT hail can make her hyperventalate. But I digress, she told the boys to drop the rock, get away from her truck and get their asses home. We got in her truck for her to drive us back to my door and the little brats were standing in the street playing chicken with her. After a minute it occured to them that it wasn't the best of ideas to play chicken with her gigantic SUV. Anyway we went on home and I told D that I was going to talk to the bully's mother the next morning and ask her to tell him to stop threatening my child and I would also call the bus service provider and talk to the bus drive.

Tuesday morning at the bus stop I'm waiting for the bully's mother so I can have a civilized discussion with her. As she gets to shouting distance she starts yelling at me asking why I was cussing out her kids the day before. I tell her I didn't cuss at her kids. She starts cussing me telling me how I can't cuss her kids and all the kids were saying that I had cussed out her kids and she didn't cuss her kids (which is a fucking lie because I've heard her do it) and she'd never cuss my kid and how I better never cuss her kid again or she would call the police (said Po-lease) on me. No I wasn't silent during this at all, I quickly realized that bitch wasn't listening and I started yelling back at her that I hadn't cussed her child, that he needed to stop threatening my kid or I would be the one calling the police. The yelling went back and forth for about 5 minutes, she finally shut her fuck ignorant mouth after I turned and walked away from her, but she was asking other kids if they had told their mother's that I had cussed them out and when they said no she said she was going to tell them.

So I call my sister when I get home after I cleaned my living room and calmed down a bit. I told her what happened and she mentioned that when she left that the bully and his brother were blocking the street again and I told her to call the managers of the townhouses I live in. She hung up with me and called them. She called back in 10 minutes and told me that my manager told her that in the future to call the police and her if the brats were blocking the road again as it's not the first time these kids have done this. The manager also wanted me to call her regarding that mornings incident. I explained to the manager what had happened, she asked me where the woman lived and then told me that that person had already been served a 30 day eviction notice due to other complaints about her unruly kids and that she had to be out by February 6th. She went on to say that if there were any other incidents of children blocking cars I was to call the police and her and this woman would receive a 24 hours to evict notice as the management has had enough of this family and them getting a criminal complaint would be the last straw. It was a very informative call as I learned that the new management that took over in September was working hard to get rid of Welfare Momma and others like her and working hard to keep good tenants like us. So apparently between October and the beginning of January there had been enough complaints regarding Welfare Momma's kids that they were given the evict notice. (I'm now wondering if the there will be a big block party when she's gone.)

But wait! There's more! When I went to pick up Super Girl from the bus I notice a mom standing out there that I had not seen before. After the kids got off the bus, I saw the mother talking to her son and heard her asking him if I was the woman who had swore at him. I stuck around as I knew this must be the mom that Welfare Momma had talked to. Her son shook his head no and she approached me asking if her son had been involved in an incident yesterday. I told her no and briefly explained that the incident in question involved an older child threatening to beat up my child and had nothing to do with John-John. She asked if I had spoken to that childs mother and I told her yes that the mother had been out yelling at me just that morning, but the incident was taken care of and had nothing to do with her little boy. She was satisfied and left.

Sheesh!

Life Lesson #396
Always Check Before You Sit


That's a rule I live by when I use a public restroom, I generally don't worry about it when I'm in the sanctity of my own bathroom. As it's MY bathroom I'm pretty confident of the paper levels as I'm the one who maintains that bathroom. I have toilet paper confidence when it comes to my bathroom. Yesterday my TP Confidence was shaken, the sanctity of my sacred bathroom was disturbed. As I reached for TP I was greeted with a sad empty roll. Then I remembered, one should ALWAYS check TP levels before sitting and commiting. That of course leads to the next lesson...

Life Lesson #397
Never Trust A Toddler To Fetch TP

Being in the above situation left me with no alternative but to send Cabbage Patch on a mission to procure TP from the upstairs bathroom. I gave her specific instructions, watched her leave and waited, waited, waited for what seemed an eternity as my butt started too go numb. She finally returned empty handed claiming "Dere's no toilet paper up dere." (which I knew was completly in accurate.) I questioned her about where she looked briefly before I realized what a pointless endevor it was and grabbed some Kleenex to take care of things (yes I know I should have just done that first, but I really thought "Go upstairs to daddy's bathroom and get some toilet paper" was an easy enough task, and since she was loitering in the bathroom as I peed, I thought I'd just get new TP and not use up all the tissue, silly me).

Live and learn.

Showing My Intelect
Or
Making It Obvious I'm An Idiot

The other night K and I were having a discussion about literature. I can't remember the exact details other than my stinging humiliation of being utterly and totally wrong after pompously professing my great knowledge of this subject because I did after all take accelerated English in high school and did quite well in college English.

What was I wrong about? Whether it was The Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner or Billy Budd that had an albatros in it.

It was the first one mentioned, though I SWORE it was Billy Budd. *sigh* We even bet on it.

In my own defence (my desperate attempt to save face actually) both works are HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE and out right painful to read. I actually did not READ either completly (well I did have to suffer through listening to the tape of the poem in class - kept falling asleep and then we read part of Billy Budd in class, again I had trouble focusing my consiousness). I read notes on it and hoped I would be sitting near enough to someone to cheat my way through the test (I wasn't so lucky on either test). So basically I didn't have a fucking clue what I was talking about.

I admit it, I am a semi-college educated dork and I can't remember jack of what I learned in high school. (I told them that I'd never need geometry, but NOOOOOOOOO they still made me take it!)

Laughing Out Loud

This morning my hot sexy boyfriend XXX called me and casually told me to visit a site that led to this. (not work safe, don't view at work, don't say I didn't warn you) I burst out laughing and nearly forgot about cliking on the link to RentAMidget. (which is also very funny). After looking at The Accomodater I paged down, still giggling and saw The Executive... and got to laughing again as I thought of all the Executives I used to work at in the corporate world. heh... I may never be able to hold an office job again.

And off that SAME page, I found this Spank Me kit, look at the description... I'm no expert on spanking, but I'm not Warming Massage Oil, Peppermint Cooling Cream, Refreshing Wet Wipe and Mood Setting Tea Lights are all that necessary, but I'm certainly curious about the Erotic Spanking Guide. hmmmm....

Mommy Brag Time

Today Super Girl brought her report card home. She made all 3's (which is where right where she should be)! And she got a certificate for being the most improved student (I think it was refering to more her behavior, not her grades as she had mostly 3's last grading period) and a certificate for perfect attendance this 9 weeks as well.

I'm so darn proud of her I got all teary eyed!

Bus Fuss

When Super Girl got off the bus today she tells me that someone was trying to choke her on the bus (she didn't have any marks on her so apparently they didn't hurt her). Unfortunately the regular bus driver has been gone the past two days and that means it's utter chaos on the bus. Super Girl pointed out the kid who was trying to choke her as he got of the bus. I was very angry at this point. I asked the kid what was he doing to my kid. This is the kid of Welfare Momma. This is the kid who has been suspended from the bus for a month. He (and his brother I think) claimed they didn't do anything to her, that she was sitting in the front of the bus where she usually does and they were in the back. I had already ask Super Girl where she was sitting and she had told me that she was in the back (where she's not supposed to be). This kid got smart with me and I told him that he better keep his fucking hands off my kid. Yes I did swear at a kid. I couldn't help it. I'm tired of that kid bullying other kids.

Yesterday as we walked home he and his brother started yelling insults at Cody, telling him "Shut up fat boy!" and saying shit like "Yo mamma is so fat..." (not that they have any room to say that shit, their mamma is bigger than me and Cody's mom put together). They kept it up for a few minutes. It pissed me off, but I didn't say anything, just urged the kids to ignore the little assholes. The protective mother in me wanted to take up for Cody, but I know that wasn't really my place. I remember being the Fat Kid and I would have been mortified if someone's mother would have taken up for me - horribly embarrased and probably teased even more. Cody is like 11 or 12 and he's pudgy and he's a really nice kid. I know it hurt when the kids were teasing him, he got really quiet. I know I did the 'right' thing in the mom area by encouraging the kids to ignore the little brats, but I couldn't help feeling like I didn't do enough. *sigh* Being a mom is hard some days.

New Years Eve and Day

Pardon me for being a lazy ass about reporting on my NYE party and NYD party. I've been busy having horrible headaches for the past couple of days. I've taken some medicine (actually the stuff that made me all whacked out at a game where I had the brain shark on my head) so please excuse me if this post get's whacked out and makes no sense (I still have a headache too).


Me and My Date


I left for the party with the Rennies about 7:30 pm (with fabulous hair I might add). Since XXX was miles away at a different party I took Angry Albino Sock Monkey as my date for the evening. We had a long discussion on the way to the party about him not embarassing me by getting sloppy drunk or getting all touchy feely with me (or anyone else for that matter - nothing worse than being felt up by a drunk monkey). He promised me he would be on his best behavior (well actually he let out a string of expletives that I won't repeat and said something like "You'll have to fucking lock me in the damn trunk to keep me from the booze and ho's!").

We arrived shortly after 8 pm. I lugged in the ice and food (fucking monkey didn't even lift a finger to help). Then I made a drink. Lime vodka is rather odd but nice.

Some people were out on the deck shooting the flint locks when I arrived (the party was north of where I live, out in the country so guns and fireworks were on the agenda).

I didn't know to many people at the party so I just wandered around with AASM (who they kept calling the EVIL MONKEY and saying he was creepy - which he loved). After a short time they put in An Evening With Kevin Smith. At this point I wasn't sure this was going to be such a good party - I'm not really into parties where we all sit around and watch movies, but what the fuck, the alternatives for me were to go home and spend the evening watching movies with my gay husband, so I sat and drank and watched. The movie was DVD was actually pretty damn funny.


The monkey made me take that photo. We were in the bathroom.

More people showed up. AASM started giving Laurie the eye and was a pure ass to me the rest of the night. After the first DVD everyone headed out on the deck and it was time for more fire works. (at one point one of the roman candle thingies fell over and shot it's last one toward my car. Gasps from everyone on the deck and someone said "Who's car is that?" To which I replied calmly "That's my fucking car! Don't you hit my fucking car or I'll kick your ass - and I'm sober so I can fucking do it!" The shot actually went OVER my car and after about 60 seconds it went off lighting up my car spectacularly - wish I had gotten a picture of that!)

They saved the best fireworks for midnight - it was very cool. At midnight I kissed that evil little monkey even though he was still trying to get his hands on Laurie. Bastard monkey. *sigh* made me miss XXX.

I left the party about 1 am as I had to work on Saturday morning so I needed to get a wee bit of sleep. Right before I left Laurie expressed her intrest in AASM and her desire to have him. He nearly broke my arm leaping to her. I made a quick deal with her, ya know since she was taking my date. I pimped his ass out with the words "How much ya got on ya?" The deal was done and I left empty handed (and cash stuffed in my bra). I am the Monkey Pimp!


And I still looked good when I got home.

(*note* I didn't include any photos of people from the party as you don't know them and wouldn't give a crap)

XXX will have to come to the next party, the party was cool and all but I didn't know everyone all that much and it's so much more fun to be at a party with someone you can whisper little things to and point and laugh together.


New Years Day Party

This was actually just our normally scheduled game night but it turned into as party as the only people who could show were The Postman and Giggles and Petey and The Bear. Petey came prepared with supplies to make Irish Coffee.

I didn't take even one damn photo! And I didn't even get a wee bit drunk either. Hmmm.. I wonder if there is a connection between me photo documenting mine and Petey's decent into drunkenness and our drinking... dunno.

We had a delightful time playing games, talking, eating and drinking. I made some of the traditional New Years foods - black eyed pea dip, Greek coin cake, lentils and of course black eyed peas. Last year I think I made a shit load more but I also didn't have to work that day.

All in all it was a damn good start to the New Year. And in 10 days this new year will get even better. ;o)

Rainy Days


It's been raining a lot here lately. Today it rained all morning and eased off in the afternoon. It wasn't raining at 3:30 pm when Super Girl got out of school. When she got off the bus today her first words were "Mamma! The bridge is flooded over!" When I asked her to clarify, she and several of her school mates informed me that the creek was flooded and the water was over part of the road and was flooding into the lake. I promised Super Girl that we would head home to grab my camera and go to the lake to investigate.

Boy was I surprised to see just how much water was there. Many parts of the trail around the lake were completly inaccessable for the water pouring over from the creek that runs next to the lake. The bridge we walk over to go to Super Girl's dance class was completly submerged. Now that has happened before, but not to this extent. Usually the water would be too high and would be rushing over the small low bridge but today there was no sign of the bridge at all.



The Little People were amazed by the waters. I was amazed as well. I spoke to some other people standing around gawking at the water, no one had ever seen the waters quite that high.

I'm hopeing that the rains will let up long enough for the waters to recede - having the creek just feet from my door makes me nervous about all the rain (although I have been checking the creek behind me and it doesn't seem to be terribly high, let's hope this forecast of a week of rain doesn't change that!).

And finally this is my favorite picture, I just loved how this tree looked with the dark clouds behind it.

New Year, New Post

Okay I'm just going to cop out on this one and fill it full of quiz crap. Why? Because Petey did it first! heh.

The kissing test*:
Judy, you're a Passionate Kisser

That's right, you've got all the moves. There's something about your approach to kissing that's natural, smooth, and ultimately, very charming. You know that to lure your mate you need to play the part — from knowing all the moves to looking pulled together — whatever that means for you.

Some may call you a player, but we know that all the flash and show with which you attract your dates is a cover for what you're really after — a terrific connection with someone who likes what you have to offer.

You're more confidant than some when it comes to matters of the mouth, which is why you may be used to delivering seriously smoldering smooches. Just remember that while you're gooooood when you rely on your standbys, a little spontaneity might be even better.

And on the Passion Predictor test*:

Judy, you're a Guardian Angel!

Chances are you've kicked around the idea of settling down on some shady lane with your honey and maybe even thought about having a kid or a couple of pets. Even if you've never cooked a pot roast or picked out fabric for curtains, we'll bet you've got solid nurturing instincts nestled within.

That's why, when it comes to your partner, you're the Mother Teresa of romantic relationships. Doing little things like planning cool vacations and jotting a quick love note, tells your partner daily how much you care. This A+ quality not only makes you a compassionate lover, but also a trusted friend.

Here's the rub: You're ready to give and give, but sometimes you might get resentful when your significant other doesn't return the favor. It can be difficult for you to let people fend for themselves, but try to focus on maintaining balance. Be sure to look out for number one, and try to indulge yourself as often as you indulge those you care about.

Honestly this was a weird test... it asks what breakfast cereal you are in bed!!

And finally the flirt test*:

Hey there, slick! We think it's pretty safe to say that you're a Smooth Flirt. You've got all the right moves, and you're confident that your target will appreciate all your winks and smiles. All it takes is the perfect line, right? Maybe so, as long as you deliver it with your charm meter set to "stun." Your flirting style is the perfect mix of body language and pure animal magnetism. With you on their trail, how can your prey possibly hope to get away? Seduction is inevitable. Just make sure not to overdo it. There's something to be said for simple, direct conversation. Your way with words and smooth moves guarantee that you'll hit the bullseye.

heh... silly.

* I'm too damn lazy this morning to link to the actual tests, so head over to Petey's blog, where he has done exactly that!