Because I'm Bored

And I steal things of La SEG's blog.

You Are 55% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love. You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it? Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships. Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

Are You Addicted to Love?

You Are a Frappacino

At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Of course I am a Frap - with Extra Whipped Cream

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Are A Blueberry Martini

You are a eclectic drink - liking to change drinks and venues often. You are usually the first of your friends to find a cool new dive bar or cocktail. You should never: Drink mystery drinks strangers hand you. Unless you want to wind up in foreign country. Your ideal party: Is mobile, hopping from party to party. Your drinking soulmates: Those with an Orange Martini personality. Your drinking rivals: Those with a Chocolate Martini personality.

What Flavor Martini Are You?

Mmmmmmmm....

Interview Answer

Just spoke to my manager and found out that I did not get the position as the VP felt that some who lived in the Arlington area would be a better match... that and she has some crazy notion of having someone show up at one of the hospitals in Arlinton at 7 am! yikes! No matter, she indicated that there is the possibility of them creating this position in the Dallas area soon. Also, still have the option of working more days and there is the homeshoring job I interviewed for yesterday. It will all work out.

Multi-tasking At It's Best

The Cure


So today I was having a discussion with A Friend who happened to mention that she was so thrilled that her homeopathic remedy that she had recently started taking. I asked her what she was taking and what it was for and then she became decidedly VAGUE about both. I pressed the subject as I'm an dick some days.

With much reluctance she told me that she was taking this stuff for a bad case of 'roids. To which my totally mature and adult side took a vacation and the juvenile idiot within started to LAUGH. Loudly. Then I asked her WHAT she was taking. She indicated she was taking the above pictured pills.

Hylands #1, Calc. Fluor. 6X, which is for (wait for it...)

Colds, Hemorrhoids and Chapped Skin

I almost peed on myself laughing! Talking about a multi-symptom elixer! My friend didn't understand what I found so damn funny and I told her that at no time had I ever read on the back of Nyquil to slap some of that on my ass to take care of my 'roids or to rub any of it on my dry skin! Damn! How do you MARKET that??? AND WHO decided to put all that together to make a sale? Some guy with a bad cold, sore as and flaky skin? How did he make the connection? "Hey, I just started taking these pills and hmmmm... my cough is better, my ass doesn't hurt and my skin is now nice and supple! I need to sell that!"

Indications


Love the indications:
Relief of symptoms of cold with thick, greenish discharge. Relieves the symptoms of itching and BURNING PAINS due to hemorroids. Relieves the symptoms of chapped and cracked skin.

My friend thinks I'm a bitch now (she's right) but she DID take the above photos for me because deep down she knows this shit is funny.

Throw Me Some Luck, Why Don’t Ya?

At 3:45 pm today I’ll be interviewing for a management position with the company I work for. After working for this company for 4.5 years I never expected this and honestly have said before that I’d NEVER, EVER take a management position with them. What a fucking liar I am!

The position is 4 days a week taking photos at various hospitals – I would travel to whatever hospital needed coverage – and one day of recruiting/interviewing for this particular hospital system. The best part is that it’s a 40 hour a week job and I’d have the flexibility to have some weekends off. 40 hours a week, base hourly pay + commission + benefits… it’s a no brainer.

My chances of getting the job are EXCELENT, my manager practically BEGGED me to interview with the district manager. I’m panicking over some of the other things I have to worry about – child care & car situation mostly. What fun! But I’m excited and NERVOUS.

So… throw me some good vibes – I haven’t interviewed in 4.5 years!

Valentine's Left Overs

Since I've consumed all of the left over candy in my 'celebrating' last night (chill it was only 4 pieces), all I'm left with is some links for you.


Probably the BEST photo EVER!

The BEST Valentine EVER! (this one would be for my Valentine if it weren't BOB)
Or maybe THIS one. Just kidding! I turned off the hidden cameras in your home days ago!

Of course THIS one is probably more true than I care to believe.
Luckily (or just pathetically) THIS one is true.

Ahhh but a more true statement could not be said than THIS.
(check out all of the fabulous Anti Valentine Cards here.)

So now that we've gotten V-Day out of the way it's time to start planning for March 14th! Steak and BJ Day! I'm here to help anyone in the planning or implementation of this day - ladies if you need any HELP, Let me know, I would be glad to help out in this area. Guys, if you want to share this 'special' day with me, well send me a note (I have a careful screening process for this!). Mark your calenders everyone! No one wants to be caught with their pants down on March 14th!... or... well... okay, I guess they do... whatever.

Okay, that's all for now. I must go do something with the crazy circus midget I call my child and get a shower before calling to BEG my father in law to do a favor for me.

Warning!

DO NOT EAT the chocolates with the green filling or the pink filling! Ewww.. Who the hell thought that someone should put green lime flavored goo in chocolate? Or worse pink goo that smells vaguely like strawberries but tastes a lot like that nasty pink liquid medicine given to kids. It's vile.

End of public service announcement.

Candy Stalker Letter


A couple of years ago as my sister and I sat around contemplating the candy hearts (ew) and the idiotic messages on them, we realized that the messages were rather bizarre and stalkerish. More discussion followed and it was decided that we would use the message hearts to compose a stalker letter to the man I was interested in at the time (Let’s just call him Minute Man… and not because he did historical reenactments… but because it’s some how kinder than calling him Little Richard *ahem* Think about it, it will come to you… another word for little… another name for Richard). After much laughter and a fine tipped ink pen, we pieced together this work of art:

Dear One (fill in name here);
I will kill one of us (you), if you don’t return my love. I love you. Sure love. Be True. Romeo.
We are meant to be, you and me. I heart you. Call me. IM me. Hug me. At least Write me. What’s Up? I have a gun and a halogen high beam. If I can’t have you Romeo, no one else can. It’s true. Love you. Love Me. Let it be. Be good. Love me. I will look for you. To remember you love me. Marry me. You are all mine Romeo. Ask me (blurred from here). Love me. PS. I’m pregnant and (blurred). One love. It’s yours. If you don’t have a will, you better get one.

Love, Me

Luckily I never did send that letter and no one ate the hearts. Still it’s a fabulous craft to do with those nasty tasting too hard to eat message hearts.

NAP TIME!

My favorite time of the day. NAP time. Not for me! For Cabbage Patch! Nap time for her! She NEEDS a nap. Or rather, I NEED her to nap. I need her to nap for the next two hours so I can fold that monstrous pile of clothing that is threatening to consume the love seat it is perched upon.* Everyone should love nap time. World peace could probably occur if NAP TIME was mandated for EVERYONE. Okay, enough.

*I kid, about that. I wouldn't really fold those clothes!

PS - her new stalling tactic is to stand here and say "That was only a SNACK." about her lunch. Yeah right kid, I know you aren't going to EAT! Go to sleep before I have to get out the tranquilzer darts again!

Children Are Mental Illness

I ask her if she wants lunch and she declines, then when I tell her it’s time for naps she looks at me shocked and says “But MOM, I haven’t had LUNCH YET?” What? 2 minutes prior she was basically telling me to stuff myself about lunch and now it’s all important.

I make lunch (gourmet packet of ramen noodles) and when she is informed that she has to EAT and can’t play on the computer any more, the rain starts. Thunder and lightening! A storm of epic proportions! The gnashing of teeth and stomping of feet. Up the stairs, into the bed room. I can hear her still wailing and yelling to the stuffed animals and dust balls about how she just wants to play the game! Oh the torture! Oh the humanity! How cruel I am!

For 5 minutes. Then the storm subsides as suddenly as it began. Down the stairs she comes, peering at me disapprovingly. I smirk, it’s funny to me. ‘Lunch!’ I say and she walks to the bowl of noodles going cold. Then it starts. “Mooooooooom. I didn’t want you to take a bite!” (yes, yes I did, I took a freaking bite of noodles while she was busy having a mental collapse over not playing the damn game, she didn’t even see me do it!) I ignore her. She persists walking right up to me and making sure I am looking RIGHT AT her and says “I didn’t want you to take a bite!” I laugh, but I’m prone to inappropriate laughter at times. She storms off to the kitchen and stands on the stool with her hands on her hips, me following with the bowl of noodles. “I didn’t want you to take a bite!” I finally say “Okay, I’m sorry, I took a bite. Do you want it in a pink bowl?” “I’m angry at you!” “Oh really, was that all the screaming about? Do you want them in a pink bowl?” stoic silence as she turns to leave the kitchen. “A pink bowl with a pretty pink fork!” Her eyes light up as she takes the bowl and goes to the table to eat lunch.

The temporary insanity has passed… for the moment. Dinner time may bring a relapse… or psychoactive drugs. Whatever.

Challenges Of LIFE

LIFE with a 4 year old goes something like this:

Her: Okay mamma, I set it up. This my car, and this your car. Look you got a husband!
Me: Oh that’s great. Your car is awfully full *pointing to blue car full of pink pegs*.
Her: I gots friends.
Me: That’s always nice. I’m not driving a green car. *Putting pegs into red car and dropping the two pink ‘kid’ pegs*
Her: AHHHHH! You dropped me!
Me: No it’s fine. See you are in now? Besides, THAT’S your car. Who goes first?
Her: Ummmmm… I go this way and you go that way.
Me: Okay, but who goes first?
Her: Ummmmm… I do… No, you go.
Me: Okay, I’ll spin.
*click* *click* *click* *click*
Me: 7… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
Her: *echoing my counting until suddenly* No! Stop! You gotta stop! It’s a red light!
Me: Okay fine. It’s your turn.
Her: *click**click**click* 8!
Me: 4
Her: 1, 2, 4, 7, 5, 9!
Me: no, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
Her: *car stopping noise* I gotta stop, red light!
Me: Mmmmmhmmm… *spinning* *click**click* *click* 5.
Her: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You fell out the car!
Me: It’s okay, see? Back in the car.
Her: *spinning* *click* *click* *spinning again* *click* *click* *click*
Me: No, no, only spin once. Once. No.. stop.
Her: *finally stopping when I put my hand on the spinner* 4!
Me: Yes! 4!
Her: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..
Me: Uh, no… just 4… let’s go back.
Her: No! I supposed to be on dat road.
Me: No, this one.
Her: No, DAT road. *saying it slow as if I’m too stupid to understand*
Me: Fine whatever..
…later… at the end of the ‘GAME’…
Me: *spinning* *click* *click* *click* 7… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7! I win!
Her: *spinning* *click* *click* 4! I win! (toward the beginning because she started going the other way on the road)
Her: Now we get cash money. *starts carefully pulling out random amounts of colorful play money, which by the way we hadn’t played with at all during the game.*

Looking For A Clock Tower and A Scope For My Rifle

Just kidding, today is a MUCH better day. No migraine. Still issues, but light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t think it’s a train today. The boy, still disinterested, but whatever – BOB still loves me. It’s all a waiting game really… not The Boy, just everything else really. I’ll be fine… I don’t even own a gun.

B-Day Girl

Yesterday Super Girl turned 7. Wow. 7. So now I get to bore you with her birth story – it’s tradition. Here goes: Dear gawd! 36 hours of labor to have a 9 lb 9 oz baby? 21 ½ inches long? No way! That’s almost a third of my height! Fucking 6’ 3” father, it’s all your fault. Shit! We are buying a dog next time I get that maternal instinct, this sucks! Awwww… look there’s my baby. Wow, she doesn’t look like an alien. We shall name her Super Girl and Super Girl shall be her name.

And THAT’s about it. More or less. If you want a more indepth (accurate) account, then search the archives, I’m sure I wrote about it in detail over one of the past 7 years.

Anyway, she had a happy b-day and there is to be a PARTY this Sunday (thank you The Wife and Captain John for the use of your house).

Workin’Girl

I MAY be changing my work status soon… Depends. My manager has approached me with an opportunity and I’ve discussed it with K as to whether it would be a good idea or not. Seems like it might. Don’t want to talk about it too much… Might JINX myself. Wish me luck!

Happy Valentines Day Bitches!

Just wanna wish all my friends a happy day and let you know that I want EACH and EVERY one of you to be my Valentine. *ahem* Not like that sicko, I mean it in a very NON sexual and friendly way that involves no mouth parts touching anyone's body parts (yes guys I know the perfect gift for a man is a BJ, but sorry it's not happening... unless of course you are that certain person I would give it to, but whatever... the rest of you, just back off).

As for me I'll probably be spending a special evening with my guy BOB. And a very Vibrating Valentines Day to you also.

ANd let's end this with an inappropriate for this day quiz... enjoy.

You scored as Bondage. Your turn on is bondage... all out. You don't have a specific part of kinky sex that turns you on more than any other... everything working together turns you on. And why shouldn't it? Sex isn't sex without all the trimmings. Chains/Handcuffs 83% Bondage 83% Biting 75% Whips 67% Blind Folds 33% Blood 8% What's Your Kinky Turn On? created with QuizFarm.com

This Is A Good Place For A Stick Up!

Yeah, that smell? That’s my life right now. Shity. I know it’ll get better, I know it will. I just am not enjoying coasting down shit creek with out a paddle at this moment. The smell is getting tiresome. And I know all my 3 loyal readers are quite tired of my bitch ass whining. I personally don’t blame you – I’m tired of it also! Somebody slap me already!

So I’m going to whine a bit about things, be very vague about the specifics as to protect the idiots (that would be me mainly) and then move on to some of the funny shit from the weekend.

Today we (K and I) had one of those “Gawd-damn it! Life just kicked me in the balls!” moments right off. Yeah wonderful. This on top of my horrendously expensive ticket a couple weeks back that I received compliments of Ft. Worth’s finest and our recent discovery that the IRS has generously delayed our much needed tax refund an extra 7 to 10 days (who wants to bet it will be 10 at the very least). So yeah, um.. Great, thanks Government! Is this your way of getting me back for contributing to the Democratic Party?? It was only $5! Come on! Give me a break!

Then of course there is the boy I’m interested in who’s not so interested in me, which is fine yet somewhat depressing. I haven’t really been interested in someone for more than just sex in a while so it is disappointing and harkens back to the traumatic days of high school and all the moments of unrequited affection. Good lord, aren’t I just a tad too old for this shit??? It’s cool it’s fine, he’s a great guy and being friends is good. I going to stop stalking him now, just let it go and remove all the hidden cameras from his home and disconnect the tracking device from his car. Friends, yeah just friends. No more stalking, I promise. Though I will still keep the boy in my rotation of men I fantasize about while abusing Bob. Come on; don’t look at me like that! Good masturbatory material that you don’t have to pay for is hard to come by! Besides, isn’t that really a compliment?

Oh yeah and I’ve got a migraine that is finally starting to ease up after a handful of pills, a cup of coffee and a hot shower. Which is good because I was starting to think I was about to give birth to an alien baby through my left sinus cavity. Whew, glad it was just false labor.

AND I have a zit on my nose. Yes, right on the end of my fucking nose. It’s lovely and super sexy let me tell you. Definitely something to contemplate while engaged in self love.

Okay… enough whine for now!

Shit from the weekend that made me laugh…

Texann (not her REAL name) and I were discussing a certain person’s boyfriend and how he’s the pickiest vegetarian known to man and how he pretty much only eats beans, rice, peanut butter and cheese. Texann decided that he should be called The Refugee since he eats like a refugee. As she put it “Isn’t that what we feed to the refugees? Rice and beans?”

Some guy offered Texann $10 to grab another guy’s ass and she did it. He didn’t pay up though. She said she almost told the cute guy who offered her the $10 that he’d have to let her grab his ass as payment since he didn’t give her the $10. She should have.

The Sexy Witch and I were being complete dorks and thought it would be funny if we used ‘offended’ for aroused and vice versa. It was quite funny at the time, but I’m sure it sounds like we were being primo ‘tards now. Yeah, we were, but what the fuck.
The Sexy Witch, Texann and I decided that the perfect Single Girl (as in no man in the picture) Valentine’s bouquet would be roses with a pack of batteries with a note signed ‘Love Bob’.

The creepy homeless guy who was hitting Texann and me up for money as we arrived at Ben’s. His only saving grace was that he started out the conversation by telling us how BEAUTIFUL we were.

Okay that’s all for now, I can’t fucking remember anything else for now.

The Attack Of The Angry Poodle Hair!

That would describe my hair today, a bad title to a bad B grade horror flick. No one famous would star in it, just maybe a couple of sad, dried up former child stars briefly out of rehab long enough to do one shooting and no scene reshoots because they’ll be back in rehab. Maybe I could get the Corey’s from the 80’s, it’s not like they are doing anything these days. Except maybe working at a local Burger King and checking in regularly with a probation officer. But I digress… as usual.

This morning I decided to enjoy the peace and solitude of being totally alone in my home in my room in my comfee and clean (sheets, comforter, pillow cases, pillows, everything sanitized) bed and didn’t get up until 8 am. I washed my hair as I didn’t want the nasty cigarette stink from the bar to linger with me all day and put in my BRAND NEW hair stuff that’s actually some stuff I used to use but lost track of because they changed the packaging and then the store I used to buy it in stopped carrying but not really they just MOVED it because it had a new bottle and I didn’t realize it because I don’t always pay that close attention to stuff like that… Can we say ADD??? Anyway, I found it again, but didn’t realize it was IT until I looked closely at the bottle of de-frizzing shine stuff and realized it was THE BRAND I love, so I bought two bottles and vowed to go back and buy the other 998 bottles to stash under my sink for a rainy day (which is when my hair usually frizzes the worst) . So um.. yeah… back to what I was saying…

I get breakfast and coffee and get on the computer to waste some time while I let my hair dry for a bit, then get slightly bent because someone makes a comment to me that’s not exactly what I want to hear but what the fuck ever, I don’t control the universe otherwise brown cows would give chocolate milk and the black and white ones would give coffee with cream. But yeah, bad mood because I’m a baby, no other reason. Because it’s COLD outside I decide to blow dry my hair which is a total and complete mistake as my hair has taken on double it’s normal volume. I have ENORMOUS hair and it’s making me look like a giant angry red poodle. Fuck, somebody throw me a bone!

Off to work which is just fine at the first hospital giving me a false sense of security for the rest of my work day. I get to the hospital and have more discharges than I anticipated because some people are stupid and can’t mark a chart correctly. Whatever. I dash out and take one set of photos – PERFECT. Go to the next – decline. The next I go to take the fucking camera won’t focus. At all. I spend an extra hour in this person’s room trying to get it to work and it won’t. The shots are perfect until you blow them up to see the detail and they are fuzzy. DAMN. I call my manager and get her voice mail, I call the other photographer and get her voice mail also. Oh and I got a call from one of the other photographers at one of my other hospitals and THAT whole system is broken so worky-worky for me. Damn.

So yeah, crappy day… and I’m totally out of CAKE! Well I’m going to go take a nap now and hope the rest of the day doesn’t SUCK (although it probably will).

All Hail The Princess!


Bow down Bitches!

hehe... I wore a tiara last night! So did a lot of guys also... hmmm... I didn't think I was at a drag bar.

Coffee and Cake For Breakfast!

Wow, I'm soooooo hyper right now! It's almost like I've got a major sugar buzz going... wait... I probably do since I had coffee and CAKE for breakfast. Mmmmmm... Sugar! Sugar! Sugar!

It's not that busy of a day, but DAYUM I could take pictures all day if I stayed like this. I was just in someone's room and I was such a total spaz it was INSANE. Luckily they were just enjoying the FABULOUS photos I was taking and weren't scared by me.

Ya know, this totally hyper spazy me makes me wish I had started drinking coffee back when I worked as a secretary. Imagine how much fun I would have been in a meeting! I swear I almost feel like I'm viberating, and we all know how much I heart the viberating things.

Anyway, I'm going to Ben's tonight for the rennie gathering. Jill is going to pick me up and take me there - woohoo! I don't have to drive! Which means I could totally drink to excess except that I'm completly broke so that's just not going to happen. Not that I actually do that often, but I COULD if not financially restricted.

GAWD! Ya know what's just sad... I keep getting distracted by my finger nails. Yeah really. I was looking at my finger nails and then the next thing I know I realize I've been contemplating my finger nails for 5 minutes. Fuck! What was in that COFFEE? Or was it the vitamin I took this morning? Was that a vitamin or was it one of those things my sister gave me... the supliments.. what the fuck is in them? What are the suplimenting? What do I need to be suplimented with? Sanity maybe? I don't think that comes in a pill though! Oh wait... Prozac... Maybe that's what I need, a Prozac chaser.

Speaking of drugs, one time I was on a date with this GUY and he was asking where I work and I said at the hospital and then he said something about how I must have access to drugs then. I was all "Uh... I take baby photos, I have nothing to do with drugs." And well that was pretty much the end of that date.

The finger nails are shiny! I can't stop looking at them! Wow aren't you glad you aren't here with me now? I'd be talking your ear off. I have like 10 more minutes until my next appointment and I'm thinking maybe I need to run around the building a few times first. I definitly don't need another cup of COFFEE though.

Wow... maybe I should go... I'll delete this when I get home and am sane.

When The Morning Starts With Vomit, You Know It’s Only Going Down Hill From There

The Little People want to kill me. I’m sure of it. Why else would they continue to crawl in bed with me and disturb my sleep? Why else would they want me to walk around like a zombie all day from lack of restful sleep? I need to explain to them that it’s not a good idea to off a parental unit if there is no life insurance policy to collect on. Also it’s a bad idea to off the only person who can fix your hair and dress you in matching clothes so you don’t spend every waking moment looking like a cross between a circus clown and a homeless person. I am planning that speech for tonight right before they bring me the hot tea laced with cyanide as I very well may gulp that down and ask for another cup if my day keeps going like it is now.

Where to start…. Just a couple of hours after I went to bed last night I was joined by my two offspring claiming to have had bad dreams and need to sleep with me. Being that I had been sound asleep and it was cold I didn’t feel like walking up the stairs and insisting they get back in their own beds and therefore let them sleep with me. *sigh* About 4 am Cabbage Patch wakes and tells me that her tummy hurts, probably from eating too much pizza (she actually said that) and instead of going with my internal Mommy Alarm, I just rubbed her tummy for her and told her to go back to sleep. 30 minutes later my folly was evident as she sat up and proceeded to puke in the middle of my bed. Where in I awoke completely and told her to go to the bathroom and throw up there! As she scrambled to the bathroom she proceeded to hurl on my pillow, and my comforter and the afghan and the floor in the bathroom, but I don’t believe at any time she ever did puke in the toilet. (Funny thing is, she sat on the toilet and said “Mommy, they squeezing my tummy!” and I said “Yes honey, that’s called throwing up, that’s what happens.” She’s never thrown up before; this was all new to her.)

A couple of hours later it’s time to get up and get Super Girl ready for school. I turn off my alarm … and fall asleep until K walks into the room at just after 7 to see if we are awake. Shit, now we are late! What fun! AND it was raining this morning! Woohoo! Running in the rain to make sure the offspring catches her bus was invigorating!

Later, my normally abnormally quiet child Cabbage Patch, decided that right during an important phone call I needed to take and needed her to be QUIET for that she needed to sing and talk to her self. 10 minutes after I reschedule the call for a QUIETER time NEXT week, she’s sound asleep! Sheesh!

On top of all that my FAT pants are too tight today. My tax refund didn’t get deposited today due to who-the-fuck-even-knows, but it didn’t and since they only deposit once a week, looks like it won’t come until Friday of next week. And there’s a waiting period for a gun but not a carton of Hagen Daz! Why? Why? The ice cream will only make my ass bigger – but the gun, oh the gun could make the world a happier place one asshole at a time. Well whatever, I have no gun or ice cream around anyway.

*sigh* back to washing pukey bed sheets.

Bad Connection


I hate it when people call for K. Well actually I hate when the call for him then talk to me like I know the information they want. Here’s a recent phone call I took:

Phone: *Ring!* *Ring!*
Me: Hello?
Them: Hi, I’m uh.. calling for K.
Me: I’m sorry he’s not home right now, he’s at work.
Them: Well… um.. I’m (insert random name) from the (insert random political organization) and was wondering, blah, blah, blah (sorry I just kind of zoned out at this point).
Me: Ooooookay… He’s not home right now.
Them: Well can I give you my phone number and my cell number and my office number and my social security number and my mother’s maiden name and every other possible way of getting a hold of me including the frequency for the homing device that’s implanted in my brain for just such an instance as this because I’m such an important person that people need to be able to get in touch with me every moment of every day even if I’m in the crapper? (it was something close to that, remember I said I zoned out)
Me: Uhhhhh… K has to take his test tonight so I’m not sure when he’ll be home. Why don’t you e-mail him, as that’s probably the best way to get in touch with him (*left unsaid but thought loudly* because I’m not about to take a freaking phone message. If the number on the caller ID isn’t enough then you are just out of luck dude! Just because I can ANSWER a phone doesn’t mean I’m responsible enough to actually TAKE a phone message AND deliver it! Sheesh! I have a short attention span! Give me a break! Ohhhh! Look! Shiny!)
Them: Oh, yeah, that would work. What’s his e-mail address?
Me: It’s .
Them: Ummmmm…. *starts spelling it out really slowly*
Me: *thinking* oh for fuck’s sake, just write it down and get off the phone. *speaking* (spelling out the addy and listening to him repeat every letter after I do until I get to a Y at which he hesitates and acts confused) …Y like yodel.
Them: Y like yodel? *sounding confused like I just told him to have romantic relations with a rabid poodle*
Me: Y like yodel… *him still sounding like a primo ‘tard* … Y like Yahoo.
Them: Oh, okay.
Me: Okay, just e-mail him.
Them: That sounds like a great idea. What I was wanting to do (my brain started to cramp about then and I don’t remember if he was talking about writing political letters or if he was describing the latest and greatest Discover Channel documentary about the mating of those red assed baboons.)
Me: *thinking* good lord man! Shut the fuck up! Isn’t your village missing their idiot by now? Won’t they be looking for you?
Them: yadda, yadda, yadda… So what is K taking a test in.
Me: *snapping back to the here and now* Huh? What? Oh, uh.. some math thing. Calculus or something like that, I really don’t have a clue.
Them: Oh I was just wondering because I’m a physist.
Me:*thinking - Physist? And he doesn’t know that YODEL starts with a Y? What are you, like Rain Man? Why are you still talking???* um hum.
Them: Well I’ll just go a head and e-mail him.
Me: Yeah, that’s a good idea.

Another person called for K and when I informed her that he was at work, she did the same thing! She started giving me all this information that there is no way in hell I’ll remember because quite frankly, Scarlet, I just don’t give a damn. Now when I call for someone and am told they aren’t home, I just ask when is a better time to call and call back. I don’t leave that monumental responsibility of taking a detailed and correct message to someone I don’t even know! Sheesh they might be as irresponsible or have as short of an attention span as I do! I often tell people to call back later if they want to talk to K, I know it’s bitchy but whatever, it’s better than saying “sorry, I may actually write your number down, but there’s no way in hell he’ll get this message unless he actually finds it before I forget what it is and throw it away. I’m just not responsible. And more importantly, I just don’t care. At the point that you asked for K and not for me, I totally zoned out so even if I SAY I’ll take your number I’m really not going to do it because I don’t even have a pen or pencil near me, I’m just going to pause like I am writing your number down but I won’t really, so you need to either call back after 7 or try mental telepathy. It’s nothing personal I’m just seriously ADD and I’ll forget you called in about 5 minutes, I’m easily distracted after all – oh look! Shiny! ”

There are certain people who call for K and I recognize their number or name on caller ID and I won’t even pick up the phone if they call. No reason to, I don’t want to even hear their irritating voices much less have an irritating conversation with them where in they may or may not mispronounce IKEA or act surprised that K’s at work at 3 pm in the afternoon making me want to strangle them or ask me a detailed question about K’s plans for the weekend of which I am generally no part of and have no knowledge of. So I just don’t answer. I have call notes, it’s a damn good investment to me if I don’t have to actually TALK to these people.

So.. ummm yeah.. don’t call for K until he’s home from work.

Coffee Shop Talk

An inebriated gay man telling me how FABULOUS my hair is, which he can NOT keep his hands off and continues to PET my hair several times more than is polite in public – nearly to the point of me turning and saying “Say… you keep doing that I’m going to start to suspect you’re really straight.”

Same above mentioned inebriated gay man telling me (and everyone else in the café) that my hair is fabulous, just a fabulous STRAWBERRY BLOND. Not so much.

Again the fore mentioned inebriated gay man leaning over to me to stage whisper ask if I had coke, then when I and La SEG both said no, to stage whisper (loud enough for half of the café to hear) ask the next table if they had coke and to hear the gay men at that table suggest he ask a drag queen because they don’t have any.

What can I say, the inebriated gay man left quite the impression, after one of his hair petting moments he commented how fabulous it was, what a great color it was and asked who did, to which I replied I did it and he announced to the café that “White girls know how to do their hair!” Who can argue with that?

And people wonder why we insist on going to the gay Café Brazil, this kind of shit never happens at the Waffle House!


Kitty Porn


Well this WAS supposed to be a cool Yin/Yang cat thing that they were doing but as soon as I broke out the camera to take their phot, the damn cats decided to look at me and smile so the shot kind of looks like they were caught in a romantic snuggle.

I Take My Coffee Like My Men; Strong, Sweet And Light… Occasionally With A Shot Of Booze, Or Maybe Of An Exotic Flavor in A Café Surrounded By Gay People, Sometimes Cold, Covered In Whipped Cream in Plastic, Handed To Me Through A Drive Through Window… Ummm.. What Are We Talking About?

When life has gone desperately crazy and situations have run rampantly out of control, sometimes the best way to get back on track is to get back to the routine. Meeting for coffee is a good start.

Hot coffee makes the funny parts funnier, the painful parts sting a little less. It’s good to know that even though so much seems to have changes, some things stay the same. Drinking coffee until 2:30 am. 3:30 am to bed does not make 6:30 am look appealing. Worth it though.

It’s the simple things that make life worth living though. Coffee at midnight, watching inappropriate cartoons and laughing, listening to really bad karaoke… Favorite things in my life I’ve come to look forward to.

Crap To Fill Space!


You are the Lovers card. The Lovers card is about union. Each of us carries in our DNA the ability to be the opposite of what we think
we are. Often our romantic attachments grow out of awe and respect as we see in another the characteristics we repress in ourselves.

Society often presses us into molds of what it thinks masculinity and femininity should be. As a result, many of us associate with our gender certain positive characteristics and call others negative, when if these same qualities were held by a person of the opposite sex, our attitude towards them would be reversed. Getting in touch with our inner animus and anima, (Jung's terms for our inner male and female), allows us to see the whole of our personalities in a positive and constructive light.

When you draw The Lovers card in a reading, you are working with balancing these forces. Depending on where the card is, you have either achieved balance
or need to. The Lovers could indicate a romantic or even a platonic relationship. Ask
yourself is this is a positive relationship that contributes to your growth as a complete human being, or if it fills an emotional craving within you that is actually
detrimental to your personal growth.

Image
from: The Iranian artist Riza.
http://www.metmuseum.org/collections/view1.asp?dep=14&item=50%2E164


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Works With VHS and BetaMax!


Despite the fact that she has a room FULL of toys (not an exaggeration) Cabbage Patch would much rather build towers with the VCR tapes (of which we have a couple hundred). At this point you may be wondering WHY we have a VCR tapes let alone a VCR when we have such a fine DVD player and that photo above should answer your question. Rain Man herself would have a fit if the tapes were to disappear. (eyes rolling up in head)

Work Crap…

Tonight is a MANDATORY work meeting. Supposedly this is so ground breaking and earth shattering that we all MUST be there. But I believe ALL of them are mandatory and well I haven’t made a meeting in 3 years. Whatever.

New Beds

I believe K and I have agreed upon new beds for the Little People. The Little People are DIEING for bunk beds but I am morally, generally and safetyishly against bunk beds. Neither of my children posses anything close to grace and the oldest is best described as an accident waiting for something sharp to bleed on. I love her to death the little klutz, the two years of dance class did nothing to help her with this, only magnified it to me as I watched her fall right on her ass just walking off stage. Shoe laces are a safety hazard for her, and have made me consider Velcro for her shoes but realizing that the poor child is doomed to geekiness based purely upon the fact that K and I are the ones who are responsible for her genetic make up, I just have to let it go and hope for the best. This child can’t get through the day without tripping over her feet or falling over an invisible bump, so why do I want to let her sleep in a bunk bed? Why do I want to wake several times every night wondering if she’s already fallen off the bed and suffered a concussion or something? I don’t! Case closed! No bunk beds.

What I have decided on is cute matching beds from IKEA and some really adorable sheets and stuff that will match. Of course when we get to the store the Tiny Terrorists will argue about the sheets and quilt covers and nothing will match and it will throw my obsessive compulsive part of my brain out of whack and I’ll go insane somewhere around the house wears and plastics area.

Okay, enough of all this, I have laundry to do.

Meme-day! Oh Wait, It’s Tuesday…

I figured I’d do this instead of make snarky comments about other people on the web and how their children always look like rag muffins and how other people can never seem to fix their kids hair in a way that makes me not want to set that person on fire and roast marshmallows. So yeah, it’s probably a lot safer to do this stupid meme and not add to the list of ‘People Who Don’t Like Me’.

Four jobs I’ve had
1. I once worked as a temporary receptionist for Houghton Mifflin for one whole day. I had to answer the phone with “Hello, Houghton Mifflin, how may I direct your call?” except that Houghton Mifflin was a hard one for me to remember how to say AND they were VERY busy for a few hours so I was answering the phone with: “Hooton Moofflin, how may I direct your call?” “Hufflin Mufflin, please hold.” “Hootin Hooflin, please hold.” “Mifflin Mufflin, please hold!” “Hufffgraaa Muffliton *click*” Eventually toward the end of the day, I finally got it right. For some reason they let me leave a half an hour early and never asked me to come back.

2. I worked for a private airline that had about 100 employees with only 4 of them (including me) being female, only two of those were under 50 and only 1 of them (me) was a single 19 year old college student who always wore short skirts. I loved that place; all I did was answer the phone and flirt with all the pilots and mechanics that for some reason had a lot of excuses to be in the lobby all the time. This is also the place I came to hate poinsettias due to the 500 plants they put in the freaking lobby that year that I had to stare at for a month and a half.

3. A maid for a disabled woman. It was actually pretty cool; she was very nice even though she ate a lot of SPAM.

4. I’m a baby photographer. It rocks. Most of the time.

Four movies I can watch over and over
1. Everafter
2. Lord Of The Rings
3. Two Towers
4. Return Of The King
(Now four movies I’ve had to watch over and over and restrain myself from jabbing my eyes out)
1. The Great Longneck Migration (Yeah Thanks K’s dad for getting the kids THAT little gem)
2. Lady and The Tramp (Classic my ass!)
3. Thomas The Tank Engine (Oh good gawd, that is the most fucked up, somebody must have been smoking crack when they made it kids’ movie I’ve ever seen! Again – THANKS K’s dad! Thanks for the DVD AND my new prescription to Prozac.)
4. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (I hated this movie as a kid and I absolutely loath it as an adult. Luckily for me it’s just a borrowed DVD so it will be RETURNED VERY soon and I’ll stop having homicidal dreams to that stupid theme song.)

Four places I have lived
1. New Orleans, La.
2. Detroit, Mi.
3. San Antonio, Tx.
4. Corpus Christi, Tx.

Four TV shows I love
1. American Dad
2. The Boondocks
3. Family Guy
4. Futurama

Four places I’ve vacationed (don’t be surprised that it’s a LAME list)
1. Guthrie, Ok.
2. Turner Falls in Ok.
3. Various lame ass places in Northern La to visit family
4. My own home.

Four of my favorite dishes
1. Super Hot chicken curry
2. Super Hot Chinese food
3. Spicy seafood gumbo
4. Tamales

Four sites I visit daily
1. CNN.com
2. stuffonmycat.com
3. cuteoverload.com
4. bigdicks.com… just kidding, I made that up. PVPonline.com
and of course every single solitary person I know of who has a blog that I know the web address to. Honestly. At least once a day…. Or once a week… whatever, most of you should update more often.

Four places I would rather be right now
1. In bed with a hot, sexually talented man
2. In bed with a hot, sexually explicit book
3. In bed with a hot, sexually satisfying BOB
4. In bed with all of the above. Or maybe just taking a long nap.

Four people I am tagging
1. Bast
2. Petey
3. Luna
4. Dawn
Now, because I’ve TAGGED you, you MUST do this or your underwear drawer will be invaded by thousands of angry gerbils.

First Step Is Recognizing The Problem

Being sick was a very interesting experience to say the least. I found myself wanting to sleep 23 of the 24 hours. Actually at night I would find myself desperately sleepy when I would go to bed but a couple of hours into my sleep routine I’d be AWAKE. Worst of all I wouldn’t just wake up, I would kind of startle awake. What sucked about that the MOST is that my tiny little cat Sunshine is a stalker at night. She will sneak into my room at night and sit on the pillow next to me… and watch me… just purring and watching. It’s creepy. And waking in a Nyquil induced paranoia to a small purring feline just inches from ones face is disconcerting to say the least. I swore off the Nyquil after one night of bad dreams, kitty stalkers and little sleep. Anyway, I’ve kicked the Nyquil habit (at least until the next horrible cold/flu/monkey pox outbreak).

Monday Morning Boo-Boo


Awwww... Cabbage Patch had a boo-boo this morning (I have no idea how, she just walked up to me with a forlorne look and told me in a rather dramatic tone that she NEEDED a bandaid for the 2 drops of blood that had leaked from her tiny little finger). To be honest, that photo is totally staged. I had to beg her to pout.

Silly Girl

This is the first photo I took, she was so HAPPY to have a BANDAID. But whatever, I just thought she was terribly cute.

Terrorist Threat Level Lowered

Last night on a whim (moment of insanity) I took the Little People (AKA The Tiny Terrorist) with me to a Super Bowl party. The invitation had been extended to myself and the Little People yet I still hadn't planned on bringing them until K arrived home on Sunday with a horrible headache. Despite my misgivngs and lack of duct tape, I took the Little People with me and gave them specific instructions on the hell I would make them endure if they misbehaved at the party and HOPED for the best (Read back in December of their antics when I thought having lunch with them and friends was a GOOD idea instead of ahorrific experience that it truly turned out to be). A drive through McD's for chicken nuggets, french fries and CHOCOLATE SHAKES ensured there would be no repeat of December's FOOD ISSUES. As soon as we arrived at Sable & Lerxst's, I ushered my progeny past people and into the containment area to eat their dinner and watch movies. I gave them kisses and instructions to not mess with anything and NOT LEAVE the room unless someone was bleeding or on fire, then left them to go watch the Super Bowl commercials (I hate football, the commercials were intersting tough) and gossip with friends.

The entire time I waited for Chaos and Destruction to erupt from the room and for me to have to use the tranquilizer darts to subdue my progeny before dragging them out of the house in utter embarassment and humiliation and with my parenting abilities being questioned by everyone in the house as well as anyone in a 2 mile radius of the house. I secretly prayed that their homeowners insurance would pay for any possible damages and that they wouldn't sue. Completly unnecessary. My Tiny Terrorists did not live up to their names. Every time I checked on them they were sitting quietly watching a movie. Never once did I find them with wire cutters and plans for making a bomb, nor did I find them with a secret stash of Anthrax, empty envelopes to fill and a list of political figures to mail the envelopes to. They did however leave the room from time to time but it was never anything serious and it was amusing to hear people say "Oh! Terrorist escape!" when one of them would come out of the room.

We left shortly after the game and the Little People were happy to have Sable's copy of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to borrow (and drive me even closer to utter and complete madness with. WTF is that movie all about? That's so fucked up!). All in all it turned out well, no property damage, no law suites and no need for duct tape.

Off to clean and all.. oh yes, I am over my horrible case of Monkey Pox or Bird Flu or Alien Experimentation or what the hell ever it was. Much better. I'm almost sad to say good bye to the Nyquill though.

I'm Goin' To Hell! (Wanna Ride With Me?)

So I've just spent the past 45 minutes going to different blogs to snicker and make fun of the rediculous names people name their children. The more ludicris ones I felt compeled to blurt out and make derogatory statements about to K who is sitting across from me trying to block out my existence. This is actually one of my favorite pass times since I have to deal with people's horrific choices of names for their children on a weekly basis. Making fun of this in the privacy of my own home keeps me from snickering loudly and rolling my eyes when I'm standing in front of people who just happen to be new parents who are telling me the baby name.

Wow, I think this Nyquill has kicked in now!

I'll Call Him Elvis...


This is one of the ducks that lives at the lake near me. I took the photo a couple of weeks ago. I like this one, he's got FABULOUS hair. He always has! Last year he was a cute little duckling with fun hair, now he's a big ass duck with Elvis hair.

I'm happy to report that my hair did not come out looking like a badly tie-dyed shirt but looks lovely as ever.

It's less BRIGHT than it usually is fresh from a coloring, but I'm thinking that's probably a good thing.

Today Super Girl went on a field trip to some place to study rocks. She came home with a small bag full of rocks. And I thought to myself 'I just paid $7 for a bag of rocks???'

K is about to find his room over run with herds of Angry Albino Sock Monkies soon. While he was at the store today he decided to buy an energy saving light bulb, you know the kind that's all twisty looking. When he got home he put it in the light for the ceiling fan in the living room, then tried to put the glass globe back on but guess what? The light bulb is too long and the globe won't fit now! That was about 6 pm when he did that, now it's going on 11 pm and he has YET to put the damn proper bulb back so EVERY time I look in that direction my retina get's burnt just a little bit more.

Groundhog Day

Happy Groundhog day! Yeah, whatever. Who made up this holiday? And why should I trust some huge furry rodent to forcast the weather? What a whacked out holiday this is. Eh, whatever, I think I saw my shadow this morning, I better go back to bed.

My Timeing Is Off; Maybe I Need A Tune-Up

I sit here having just doused my head with FRESH color and after I was partially involved, I realized that I'm going to be pushing it as far as getting all this finish. I have training to be at tonight so I need to leave as soon as K gets home... at 5:30. I'll be done with this part in 20 minutes but then there is the OTHER part that takes another 20 minutes to do that I'm going to have to rush through. Fuck. My hair is going to look like a badly tie-dyed shirt.

Coco the Wonder Dog is gone now, I have to admit that I miss her, but I'm certain that her mommy has missed her a lot.

*sigh*

Wasting Time

Sheesh... this must be the first time I've really sat and wished I had cable so I could just lay on the couch and just flip channels. I totally did not go to work tonight, no motivation. The all powerful internet has sucked me in!

So... Quizzes!

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

hmmm... K says it's dead on... he's crazy... I'm not mysterious.

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Bah! Cynical and Jaded are my middle names! um.. not really... but either would be a cooler middle name than what I have.

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

Yeah... um... not so much, otherwise I wouldn't be spending 99% of my nights with BOB. I understand battery operated devices that buzz in the night.

Reality Is Strange

I'm sitting here not going to work, wasting time on the internet with 7 tabs open and I look up and see that one of them says '12" BASKET OF ASS...' Yeah, just what every woman should be able to order online.

Fortune for today:
Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else's water lily.

I have no fucking clue about that, it was in my fortune cookie though.

Praise The Lawrd And Pass The Internet!

On an upside, I am feeling better. Oddly the return of my health has coincided with the return of my high speed internet. Obviously I’ve been healed by the internet. In retrospect my illness was probably caused by my lack of DSL connection and my having to suffer with dial up until I could get a replacement modem. And now I have to show my worthiness of the miracle of the internet cure by going to every porn site I can and enjoying the almost instantaneous site of a big cock instead of having to wait several minutes on dial up only to have half a cock load before the page timed out. Oh! The suffering I have endured! Yeah I’m better.

Today’s Post Is Brought To You By The Letter F

F for FRUSTRATING. This weekend was rather frustrating and sadly part of it was my own doing.

First Saturday after a discussion with K about how it would be easier if I dropped him and the wee ones off at the train station early, I decided that I’d come home between hospitals and shuttle them to the train station. I did, and though it was all nice and happy in theory, it was not quite so in real life. Though I got up on time, I forgot that I promised the Little People that we’d make breakfast. Warming up store bought croissants and making scrambled eggs and bacon (turkey bacon) shouldn’t take long, right? Wrong. For some reason it took 35 minutes! Fine, fine, whatever, I got to work at 9 am – an hour later than I had planned! I picked up K and company about 10:30 am and when all was said and done I got to my busy hospital at 11:30 am. Damn! Now I was running an hour and a half late. Somehow I got everything done and was out of there by 4 pm. Unfortunately sales weren’t FABULOUS so whatever. When I got home I had to run errands and realized that SADLY I would not be able to enjoy my favorite weekend activity – NAPPING. Damn it! I had a nice quiet, empty house and I couldn’t enjoy a nice uninterrupted nap! Damn the luck! Instead I had to get ready to go to a party I was invited to. I picked up everyone like an hour and a half late (whatever). When we were about a block from the damn party I get stopped and given a huge ass ticket – hush, hush, I don’t want to hear about what I shoulda/coulda done in order that I not be stopped because I didn’t/couldn’t and I DID get a ticket. I just need sympathy. But at least I did not end up in jail. Yeah, that’s something to be thankful for. ANYWAY, the party was okay, not GREAT, but honestly my perception of things might have been off due to the fact that I had just had my fun encounter with the police.

Things somewhat improved on Sunday, went to see the cute guy I’m interested in, took a mutual friend with me. What the hell was I thinking??? It’s not like I could make a move on him with her there! Oh but who the hell am I kidding! I’m not going to make a move on him! I’ve got a bad case of Chicken-Shit-itis as I’m fairly certain he’s completely uninterested in me. Again FRUSTRATING in many ways, and not just because I get to go home and abuse BOB.

And then of course there was the fun of discussing the legal and financial issues of my ticket.

So yeah FRUSTRATING all weekend long. Work frustrating, lateness frustrating, legally frustrating, party frustrating, sexually frustrating (I didn’t even GET to abuse BOB after all) and financially frustrating.

It’s Only January And I’m Out Of The Running

Yes, it’s true. I’ve already lost my nomination for Mother Of The Year, but on a ‘brighter’ note, I would bet I’m well on my way to being in the top ten for Worst Mother Of The Year, or so my progeny would say. No matter, I won’t go down alone on this one, I will drag K down into the depths of parental mediocrity with me whether he wants to go or not.

After spending all day long lounging on the couch eating bon bon’s (read: laying on the couch in a semi-conscious fever induced delirium) while Cabbage Patch occupied herself with educational toys and videos (read: while Cabbage Patch reenacted various scenes from Lord Of The Rings using candle holders, Barbie’s, dog toys and a quaint doll house while viewing various obnoxious Disney DVD’s for the 500th time), I discovered that I would have the joy and pleasure of taking care of the children while K attends a political meeting (read: was shocked to be reminded that K would actually leave me alone with our offspring in my state of ill health, even though he had reminded me of his obligations prior to the 10 minutes before he left when he reminded my poor cold medicine addled brain yet again). That would mean that I would need to make DINNER for my delicate little flowers and myself (read: make some fabulous and yummy creation that would be viewed with disdain and ridicule from the Tiny Terrorists who would then proclaim it POISON). I felt a wave of euphoria as I made dinner (read: I felt dizzy from the fever as I made stew).

After a delightful dinner was enjoyed by all (all as in me and only me as the Tiny Terrorists opted instead to eat apples for dinner), it was time for educational pursuits (homework and whining)! That was lovely, truly (yeah, if you find reading two pages of Puss in Boots and listening to a 6 year old whine about writing sentences lovely). Then it was of the hour that I have looked forward to since 6:30 am this morning (it’s true) – BED TIME for the Little People! Woohoo! And this my friend is where I lost all points in the Mother Of The Year thing, I sent my offspring off to bed without being tucked in. Yes I did, I am a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER! They weren’t even BAD, I was only thinking of my fever induced dizziness and the horrible wheezing caused by the nasty chest congestion and how it would be detrimental to my own health as well as their mental health if I were to pass out at the top of the stairs and fall down them with the offspring there to witness. Despite my reasoning with the progeny that “Mommy is sick, go to bed now.” I was still met with tears which filled me with the utmost in maternal guilt. Or maybe that was just the fever dementia and cold/flu medicine hallucinations… Ah well, maybe tomorrow I will be miraculously cured of this malady and be back to reading the offspring prose from Shakespeare and Dickens right before explaining the theory of relativity using visual models made from tooth picks and cheese cubes. Yeah… Right… Let’s just pray that the DVD player and the VCR don’t break. ;)

PS I'm still suffering on a slow ass dial up connection, so that means that when I'm not in a cold medicine and fever induced delium, I am tieing up my land line. If you need to call me, call my cell number, if you don't know that... well... ask or just leave a message on my voice mail, I'm sure eventually I WILL check that.

Tin Foil Hats And Hockey Games

Fuck I'm not dead people! Stop sending sympathy cards to my family. A few days offline and people think you are dead. I'm not, but I'm sometimes wishing I was. Damn this cold/flu/crap sucks. Except for the medicine, nothing like the cold/flu medicine halucinations. YEAH!

Last night thanks to D I had two primo seats to see the STARS play. After MANY calls I finally found someone who was more than excited to go to the game and sit in $100 seats with me. Yeah, really MANY calls. WTF? Whatever, the game was AWESOME. The Stars tied the game in the last 2 minutes and it went to over time then a shoot off. I took my Bitch Petey to the game and we had many laughs. Prior to getting to the game I convinced him to drive through a Starbucks for me. When the young guy asked if he could help us, Petey asked him if there were any HOT MEN there. The server paused then asked what he said in a very cautious tone. We were laughing hard by then - once again proving that he and I should not go out in public together.

Anyway, I'm dogsitting Coco the wonder dog again. She seems to have given up her crack habbit and has been the totally adorable wonderful dog again... aside from the vomiting incident this morning on my carpet... but all is well.

My DSL has yet to be restored as I have yet to get the new modem due to illness and not just my own. Damn this alien cold/flu/crap. Speaking of, I'm off to go try to convince my offspring that she needs to nap with me... the rest of the freaking day. Wish me luck.

Karma Is A Bitch Sometimes.

My damn DSL modem got fried by lightening early Saturday morning. I didn’t realize it until late Sunday evening… after all the store that sell DSL modems had already closed. Of course that didn’t stop K and me from hopping in the car and searching for one anyway. Futile and frustrating trip that involved me calling someone and talking to their boyfriend about my predicament and having him search for online for an open store as I waited in the car for K to come out of the second store. We ultimately realized that it would be best just to go home and get something the next day. Well that and K reminded me that he could set up my lap top to connect via dial up. Ahhhh yes, my internet addiction would be fed.

But… Dial up sucks, especially when you’ve been on DSL.

Other random things…

I’ve been dog sitting for a couple of days. It’s my niece again, the cutest dog in the whole damn world, Coco. Remember how I talked about how a REALLY good dog she was when I watched her for a week? And how well behaved she was and how sweet and all that happy crap? Well Coco has been acting like she’s been smoking crack! It’s insane. In the whole week that I watched her and left her alone in my home frequently, she never did anything bad. NEVER. D dropped her off Saturday night as I headed to the game and when I got home after 2 am on Sunday morning, I discovered that she had done a thorough inspection of my garbage. Sunday when I arrived home from work I discover that she had decided her garbage inspection duties weren’t over as she had dissected and scattered my bathroom garbage. EWWWWWW!!! Bathroom garbage is the WORST! Especially garbage from a woman’s bathroom… I won’t elaborate, I’m sure your mind is working overtime now and you have already gotten the horrific visual. So… Yeah, I wasn’t too thrilled about that. She and I had a few words about that… me saying “Ewwwww! Awww Coco! Yuck! No, no!” and her saying “Arf! Arf!” Other than that, she’s been her usual perfect doggy self.

Nothing says friendship like calling to tell someone about the really BAD porn you have figured out how to watch for free at the hotel you are staying at. Thanks Jovan, that was hilarious and frightening at the same time. Feel free to call me anytime.

Saturday night/Sunday morning must be FREAK Toll Booth worker night. I saw more freaks on the toll road than a carnival side show. My favorite was the very freaky one toothed man who decided to hit on me as he gave me my change. I suppose I could be flattered but I really was just creeped out and made me vow at that moment to get a toll tag.

Anyway, enough of this shit, I have a mountain of laundry to fold and a whole to do list of shit to get crossed off. Later beeotches!

Mentally Incontinent

I think I've mentioned before how toddlers are much like crazy street people. There are many, many similarities. Both have no problem wearing the same mismatched outfit for days or even weeks on end. Both tend to walk around having conversations with imaginary people. They both tend to say things that you can only half understand and best. Spontanious public nudity isn't a problem for either. There are more similarities, that's just a few.

My sweet Cabbage Patch just had her feet in a plastic orange Halloween Jack-o-lantern. When I looked at her and she fell over, she just laughed and said "Pumpkin patch!" to me. I had to fight the urge to smell her breath for booze, but I know there is none in the house and I doubt she'd be able to hide an empty 40 in her teddy bear.

Later that night at a Mexican food restaraunt the child who only eats macaroni and cheese or cheese ate refried beans of her own free will. Unbelieveable.

This fine Saturday morning I had planned to get to work a tad early so that I'd be sure to be done with all my work by 3 pm. My alarm went off at 6:15 am which I felt was way to early so I reset it for 7 am. Next thing I know my cat is in my face waking me up and it's 8 am! shit! I reset the alarm then turned it off. Damn it!

Oh well, I snatched a heft commission from the weekday photographer this morning as she had taken some shitty photos yesterday and told the parents that no one would be here today (can we say BITCH?). No matter, I took better photos and told them how to cancel the other order.

Off to work!

Oh The Crazy Things People Say... To Me

In a phone conversation:
Me: At least his cat loves me.
Her: My gay cat and my fat cat love you!
Me: Your fat cat loves me because she thinks I smell like food.
*silence*
Her: We are women, to cats we all smell like food!
Me: Awwww! That was soooooo bad!
*laughter*

On the computer:
Me: I just asked K if he a canibal for eating that potato.
her: hehehehehehehe
her: I don't feed my dogs hotdogs for that reason...just too weird
ME: hahahahahahahahaha
Her: What? It might hurt them psychologically ...it may look like a friend or family member
Me: *snort* hahahahahaha
Her: sheesh she laughs
Me: friend or family member
Her: well it could
Her: especially Oscar..he is red ya know.

See... it's not all me... the insanity is wide spread.

Life Lessons By Judy

Did you know that if you don't poke a hole in a potato before you place it in the oven to bake that it CAN explode rather messily all over the oven and leave a rather nasty mess resting against the heating element creating the need to clean the rarely ever cleaned oven? And that the SOUND of an exploding potato is one of those small noises that will make you say "Huh, did I just hear a pop from the oven? That couldn't have been the chicken." then go on about your business until you smell an odd burny smell eminating from the place that a delightful smell of baked chicken should be coming from and at that very moment you'll suddenly REALIZE that the odd POP you heard was probably the odd potato exploding. Yeah, I knew that too. Just thought I'd pass that little tidbit along before I clean out the charred pieces of potato from the oven.

Why Kids Suck!

Because I am the EVIL MOMMY and am MAKING my progeny help clean up (their MESS!) they have decided to pretend they they are both Cinderella and are playing as such. Guess who is the Mean Stepmother in this play? I'm blaming their gay father for this, I know it's his fault somehow.

BUSTED!

It's funny how early kids become SNEAKY. Cabbage Patch is 4 and was just asking for more macaroni and cheese for dinner. I asked her if she finished her green beans as her plate was empty but she generally won't eat anything that isn't macaroni and cheese or cheese. She gave me a big smile and said that she she had eaten the green beans so I gave her more macaroni and cheese then asked her where her fork was and looked in the sink to see if she put it in the sink and lo and behold what do you think I saw in the sink? No, not a hippopotomas, stay focused here... I saw her green beans. I wish I could have taken a photo of her face at that very moment, it was hilarious, that "Oh shit, I'm busted!" look. Needless to say, she got more green beans and I get a giggle every time I think of that look on her face.

*update* (because you know you haven't gotten nearly enough of my self indulgent monronic discussion of my progeny's eating habits)

Cabbage Patch will not actually put the green beans in her own mouth, she has decided that the only way she will eat them is if i put them on the fork and feed them to her like she's a damn 6 month old. It's not that she doesn't LIKE them (when Super Girl was little she would only not eat things that made her GAG and even when I MADE her take a bite she would GAG) she just won't be bothered to put them in her own mouth. Sheesh, is it too late for an abortion? Just kidding! just kidding! Really! But I have considered Ebay!

Quizes

Just filling space so sue me.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

hehehe... firestorm.

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

I'm weird? ME? Go figure!

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

WOW! I'm so freaking surprised! Me an artist, who'd have thought?

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary. People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Now With Better Cell Signal AND More Toll Boths!

So have you missed me? Internet, I have missed you so dearly, it’s been sad. It’s not that I haven’t BEEN here staring at you and letting you suck me into your net that wastes all my time and sucks out my will to do anything other than just sit here and spend all of my time with you, but the truth is Internet, I have a fucking life and just haven’t had time for you. No really, it’s true. I’ve been busy Internet, I still LOVE you, I’m just BUSY. And about to get EVEN busier as I’m starting FAIRE sewing this week. WOOHOO! So yeah… if you are wanting to get me to be your bitch… er… sewing bitch that is, now is the time to get with me. E-mail me or call me or what the fuck ever.

Baby, What’s Yo Digits?

My cell is back up. I’m so pissed at myself at this moment because I actually MISSED my cell when it was down. Damn you D for getting me all hooked on the cell. I missed it most this weekend when I use it most. I didn’t have it to call anyone on Friday while driving to the club. AND most of all I didn’t have it to call people while driving between hospitals! DAMN! I’m sorry Jovan, I WOULD have called you to hear of your latest adventures (sorry I didn’t answer last night, I just didn’t hear it driving home, I had the music up to damn loud and was in a weird place in my head anyway, feel free to call again and we’ll discuss your most recent sleazy activities at great lengths), Gamer Boy, I would have called you too… probably woke you up, but whatever… and anyone else who’s phone number I have, I certainly would have called you on Saturday, BUT I couldn’t, I was cock blocked from my cell and I suffered from it. Fucking phone companies wanting their payments and shit. Fuckers! But I digress… the cell is live again, feel free to call me. ;)

Nail Polish Problems

Today is a holiday for Super Girl, gawd-help-me. These are days I want to call the city and ask just WHERE my tax dollars are going? Haven’t I had to pay school taxes since I moved here? How is my tax money going to a good education for my offspring if she’s home with me today? I mean, FUCK I know about the only thing this kid has learned today is that mommy is listening to some music that has the word BITCH in it and that mommy will throw away Pikachu if I fucking see it on the floor one more damn time. Anyway… again, I digress… I let the offspring take a bath so I can have just 20 freaking minutes of peace without having to hear them scream my name or me having to trip over the little yellow electric rat. While they bathe happily (read: splash around like maniacs until every square inch of bathroom floor is saturated with bathwater) I pick up my FAVORITE bottle of OPI red nail polish. Last week when my sister was over she tried to get it open but couldn’t, I had tried to get it open earlier that day and couldn’t either so I did a French manicure and just didn’t worry about it. Today I figured I’d see if I could get it open and I did, BUT… I broke the damn bottle! Yeah, I broke off the part with the threads. POP! It just broke off. I was just going to see if I COULD get it open, I wasn’t ready to paint my nails but at that moment, I realized that I’d have to paint them RIGHT THEN or risk the bottle getting nasty and dried out or worse having the tiny terrorist discover the state of it’s openness and using it to paint cryptic and evil runes of control on the kitchen cabinets. In between checking on the offspring in the bathwater and painting my nails, I managed to spill nail polish on my favorite leopard print night gown and on my hands. So much for the Tiny Terrorists making the messes. And at this very moment, my manicure looks like complete ass! So whatever. At least I wasn’t coloring my hair or something like that.

Toll Booth Boogie

I’ve been traveling the toll roads a lot lately and I’m SHOCKED and appalled at that. I’ve been spending enough in tolls lately that I could have had two tall Caramel Frappichinos from Starbucks this past weekend. Really! Can you believe that? My money going to pay tolls and not for overpriced coffee drinks. It’s cool though, so far it’s been worth it – I HAVE gotten coffee at my destination. But ya know, that just makes me think that maybe the toll authority needs to change how they do toll booths. They should do them like they do our sports and event arenas in the area, they should allow corporate sponsorship of toll booths. Krispe Kream could sponsor one, Starbucks another, Smirnoff Vodka the next set, Coke after that… And they could offer special toll tags that would charge you for a frappichino and a toll, a donut and a toll, a drink and a toll, you get the idea. I think I’d be less pissy driving the toll roads if I actually thought my money was going for something worthwhile – like coffee.

Well I need to go to the store with the Tiny Terrorists before they zip my cat up in a backpack again.

MORE later! I’ll tell you about the horrifying Snatchsquatch! Too much CAKE! And shopping in SEG’s closet.

Gerbil’s Favorite Cereal

First I must apologize for my absence from the internet lately. It is not due to popular misconception that I’ve been in a special detox program for internet addiction, but due to circumstances beyond my control, as in things that are stupid and evil.

Enough of that, on to other things in random order.

So today I was sitting here on the sofa and out of the corner of my eye I see a little black rodent come out from under my cedar chest, stand up, look around then scamper back under. That would be MY very own cute little black rodent, Hanta Virus gerbil escape artist. Shit. Now I was going to have to catch my gerbil who was now exploring the great uncharted (by gerbil kind) territory of my living room. This is a place what with all the cereal, popcorn, raisins and other such food-ish items that have fallen in between the sofa cushions or have been hidden under the couches, etc. by the Little People that a gerbil could live for days if not weeks. EXCEPT for the CAT (I would say CATS but Dusty couldn’t catch a rodent if it walked up to her and had a heart attack right on her paws).

Yes the Mouser Extraordinaire who was snoozed right next to me on the couch as I spied the little escapee to my left. I realized I’d have to work quickly if I was going to catch the rodent before Sunshine woke up, so I (stupidly) enlisted the help of the Little People in catching Hanta. I dashed to the kitchen to get some bread to lure her out with and told the Little People to bang on the other end of the chest. This was just a comedy of errors. I had to continue to tell Cabbage Patch to bang on the OTHER end of the chest as she kept banging near where I was, and about the time she moved to the end I wanted banged on, Super Girl moved where she was. *sigh* I sat with a piece of bread on my hand and waited for Hanta to come get the snack. About the time she emerged both Little People saw her and lunged for her, causing her to dart back under the chest.

I took a deep breath and muttered many curse words then told the Little People to NOT move when and if she came out again. And when she did… they lunged again. *sigh* I no longer muttered my curse words and told them to GET AWAY!

I realized that Hanta wasn’t under the chest anymore and was now behind the sofa, so I sat down to consider my options. The little blighter peeked out of the right side of the sofa briefly. Damn her. This caused me to grab the sofa pillow that had fallen on the floor and throw it on the sofa… right on top of the sleeping cats… and to wake Sunshine The Magic Cat, AKA The Great Mouser. I suddenly realized the error of my pillow toss and hoped Hanta had some wild instincts that would tell her to keep under the sofa while deadly feline was AWAKE. That was a very brief hope as my gerbil peeked out again. Sunshine didn’t miss a thing and jumped down to play tag with my rodent, luckily I had anticipated that my gerbil was pretty stupid and that my cat was up for a game of smack the mousy and I managed to snag that cat by the scruff of her neck mid jump. That cat is 5 lbs of lean, toned, mouse killing muscle and I had a bitch of a time keeping a hold of her as I grabbed her lazy sister (no challenge catching her) and locked them both in my bedroom whilst I did my rodent wrangling.

After the aforementioned felines were sealed in my room for my rodent’s protection I resumed trying to find my gerbil. I knew she was at the other end of the couch now and started to look there.

Oh wait... I must back up for a moment. Prior to waking the cat I asked the Little People to go get a flash light since I didn’t know where they put the ones they were playing with recently. They both get up and go into my bedroom with Super Girl saying she knows where one is. A few minutes go by and I yell for them to HURRY UP and they say they are still looking. I finally go check out what the hell they are doing just in time to see them reach into my night stand drawer and pull something out that is buzzing. Yes, Super Girl was holding BOB and not just any BOB but BIG BOB who is purple! I yell at her to put that back and she looks at me with horror and confusion and asks “How do you make it stop?” *sigh* I told her to push the damn button and put it back. Now why does that always happen when someone is looking for a FLASHLIGHT?

Anyway, the gerbil finally came out from under the right side of the couch and went under the stool, where I cornered her… or so I thought, then under my computer... then around the corner into the kitchen and between the dishwasher. All thanks to two kids who don’t know the meaning of STAND STILL! Every time they saw Hanta they would squeal and lunge for her. I don’t blame her for running, my gerbils will come to my hands but they are leery of the offspring, but rightfully so – just last week Cabbage Patch DROPPED Hanta on the floor AND while I was cleaning out the cage she kept poking at Hanta until she finally got bitten on the finger. So yeah, if I was Hanta, there’s no way I’d trusts the Tiny Terrorist either.

Now Hanta had dashed in a small rodent sized opening next to the dishwasher and I had to get her out before my cats became EVIL and VENGEFUL and voluntarily hacked up something disgusting on my pillows. I went to the pantry for my secret weapon, Hanta’s favorite food – Kix cereal. The Little People were banished from the kitchen as I crouched on the floor with 4 pieces of cereal in my hand and shook the box. As if trained by Pavlov himself, my gerbil came right out. Mission accomplished, one sneaky little gerbil back in her cage. Upon inspection of the rodent penal colony I realized that I had left a part of the tubing open from when I cleaned the cage. DOH!

Bath Time, Chocolate Cupcakes and Things That Vibrate

I knew that would catch your attention. I just got out of the bath (well not just, it’s been almost 2 hours now), it was a delightful bath. Something I rarely do… the BATH thing, not bathe in general, asshat. I am really a shower girl with the occasional HOT SOAKING BATH thrown in. Today I used the fabulous green tea bath stuff given to me as a gift. Ahhhhh… and I took a bath BY MY SELF. Despite their absolute cuteness at that very moment of life, I did NOT let the offspring join my bath thus ruining the effect of the HOT SOAKING BATH. Anyone with progeny knows how desperately difficult it is to tell two little ones NO to their pleas to bathe, especially when they have the delightfully chocolate smeared faces. BUT, I said NO because I wanted to take a bath ALONE. So I shoo’d them out of my bathroom and demanded they be sent to bed then commenced my bathing ALONE… well mostly. It was me and the two Piss On Me Bath Babies. What? You have no idea what a Piss On Me Bath Baby is? Let me tell you, it’s the physical incarnation of hate from the giver of this LOVELY toy to the parent of the child this is given. Yes HATE and a LOT of it. I mean honestly who the fuck thinks it’s a FABULOUS idea to give a little girl a doll that drinks AND wets??? It’s like giving someone a puppy who can’t be house broken and making sure that this dog has a 2 minute bladder and likes to drink. I don’t think anything that can piss on me is a good gift. AND the absolute BEST part of this doll is that it is billed as a BATH TIME doll also! YAY! Which means that it briefly was not in the bath tub after they opened the boxes, and it now spends 24/7 in the freaking tub. WHY?? Let me explain this. This doll has a little hole in it’s mouth so that an evil little person can feed it a doll bottle full of water, it also has a hole between it’s dolly legs so it can piss on whoever it’s being fed by (now who the hell thought THAT was fun??) This is all well and good (not really but go with me), but the doll has hollow doll arms and legs. These ALSO fill up with water, especially when this monstrosity is submerged in the bath tub, which happens several hundred times during a bath as a gleeful child will hold the doll under water as though trying to drown it like a crack whore babysitter then hold it up and giggle as the water empties from the doll saying “Look! She’s peeing on me!” which will cause any mother to develop a nervous twitch and make them gently tell their child to cut that the hell out. As for me, the first time it happened I had a horrible flash forward of my youngest progeny in a fetish club… I refused to think of the rest and just smacked her and her sister on the back of the head and told them to stop it or I’d have to set the damn dolls on fire (hey cut me some slack, I have to deal with catching both offspring on one of the posts of my four poster bed practicing their pole dancing after baths. It’s SCARY, I don’t want to think of anything WORSE than that.)

So I bathed and I decided that I didn’t want Baby Piss On Me or her sister Incontinence Girl to share the bath with me. I decided to empty them of their water (another reason to hate the dolls, they are ALWAYS full of water, so they HAVE to stay in the damn tub). I held the dolls up and allowed them to *ahem* pee. I squeezed their heads to hurry it the hell up. I shook the dolls to make sure they were empty, nope. I wiggled their arms and kept emptying the dolls. Still water. I finally realized I’d have to remove the damn dolls legs to get all the water out. So I did. Now there are two amputee dolls on the bathroom floor and for some reason that gives me great satisfaction.

On to other things… let me back track a bit.

As you recall, the Tiny Terrorists have been doing their best… er worst… um... whatever… They’ve been brats. Horrible little brats that make going out in public an embarrassment at best. The only comfort I could get was the sympathetic looks from other mothers at WalMart. ANYWAY, Wednesday of last week they joined me in my bedroom in the morning to watch a movie in my room, because for some reason that’s so much cooler than in the living room. So whatever, that meant I could sleep in a bit as they watched Muppet Treasure Island for the 500th time. I decided to get up before the movie was done and they said they wanted to finish watching the movie in my room. I had a moment of stupidity as I LET them. When I returned to the room 20 minutes later I saw them crouched in the middle of my bed looking at me while trying to HIDE something. I asked what it was and they claimed ignorance. I looked around and lo and behold they had done it AGAIN! They opened their Chanukah presents! And they were eating the chocolate gelt. I immediately felt a raging headache start and yelled something unintelligible to the Tiny Terrorist before demanding they get OUT of my room and go sit for time outs which might last for the rest of the fucking day! I then telephoned their father at work and got his voice mail so I left a message: “K, your children just opened up all of their Chanukah presents. Why don’t you give me a call.” He called back within 20 minutes with fear in his voice to asses the situation (and see if he needed to bring home a tranquilizer dart gun), offered to bring home dinner and offered me sympathy. They weren’t much better the rest of the day and that left me wishing someone would give me two large dog crates for Chanukah. Kent arrived home early and with dinner and a Chanukah gift for me... no, not a dog crate, but something that VIBRATES!!!

It’s not what you think, but I love it almost as much as BOB. It’s a vibrating neck pillow. It’s lovely. I wish it had a bed like that. The Tiny Terrorist were all about the pillow until I made them hold it on my neck as I sat here at the computer. Yes I did. I made them hold the pillow as punishment and they both LOATHED it. I think from now on they’ll have to hold that damn pillow every time they misbehave. Why not, they GIVE me headaches when they act like they are demon possessed, why not make them work to get RID of my headaches??

Anyway… that’s it for now. I’m tired. Happy New Year.