It's Not You, It's Me... Really

I'm ready for a change, just not sure how to make it happen. I've been depressed lately (I'm sure many people have noticed my extreme bitchiness) and feeling quite stressed. I don't like this at all, I don't like feeling like I'm not in control of my own life. It makes me all bitchy and whiney. Paranoid, I get paranoid about losing my friends (which I do feel as though some who mean a great deal to me have been pulling away) and losing my identity (who am I really?). I need to focus on myself and figure out what changes need to be made and how to make them happen.

Change isn't easy, it's scary as hell also. Yet it's what I want because the status quo just isn't doing it for me these days.

So, dear friends, please bear with me as I stand on what seems to be a great chasm and calculate my perfect moment to make a leap, hopefully I can make it to the otherside and not do a Wiley Coyote thing of splatting to the ground leaving a me shaped imprint. But even if that happens, it will be a change so it can't all be bad. Please refrain from criticizing or telling me what I 'need to do', I can call any number of people who are more than willing to tell me I'm stupid and how to make things 'better'. Support and encouragement are what I need, it's very tempting to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head and just pretend things are fine. I need your patience also, I may call you just to hear a friendly voice that will make me smile, I might call you a lot, or not at all. Feel free to call me, I always enjoy hearing from you. But don't worry that I'm standing in my pantry counting out pills to 'end it all', that's not the kind of change I want, besides I have two beautiful children who need me.

Anyway, I'm trying to get my shit together so to speak, thanks to all my dear friends who have been there for me already and I thank everyone in advance for their support and help.

I'm done whineing now.

SPAM

I was just cleaning out my e-mail and saw one from 'ErectMan' titled 'Tiberious Erectus' followed by one titled 'Get The LuvBack' and another 'B:etterT:hanVia:gra!'(hey isn't that ME?? Aren't I better than Viagra???). Heh, gee I wonder what these are trying to sell me????

Ahhh the junk mail folder is sometimes good for a chuckle.

Laughs For The Weekend

A friend of mine forwarded me this e-mail:

: An operations manager for Jack in the Box was late for a
: meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was
: leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to
: provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual voice mail
: message. It was forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it
: crashed their voice mail server."

Click on the e-mail and listen to the message. I laughed so much.

And for something completly different...

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

My youngest sleeps with a voodoo doll.

I made the doll a couple of years ago... not that I actually intended to inflict pain or anything on anyone with the doll, I don't really believe that is possible, but throwing the damn doll in the dryer every time that bitch pissed me off really made me feel better.

Hmmm... maybe I need to make more voodoo dolls... I have just the person in mind to model it after too.

MOOOOOOO!


Got a headache? How 'bout some cow pee elixer to help that out? 'Roids? Try some cow dung! Well maybe not here, but in India it's being sold to help just about everything. Read it here.

I don't know about you, but I think I'll keep my cow consuption to BEEF and not excrement of any kind. Ewwwww...

Proof That People Are Stupid!

If you are ever in doubt of that fact go to Ebay and look at some of the things in the Weird Stuff catagory. Several people have 'Mystery Box'es listed which promise something of 'great value' inside. The thing that trips me is that people are BIDDING on them! I saw one up to $700! What the fuck? Why bid that much on a box with stuff in it that you don't even know if you want?

Need more proof? Someone is selling a Dick Cheney on Black Velvet and someone else has bid on it! (this just makes me think of one of D's ex-boyfriends who had a shit load of black velvet paintings in his apartment - much snickering was done after that visit to his apartment)

So Early In The Year And I'm Already Losing Points!

As in for the Mother Of The Year. Today Cabbage Patch was taking a drink of Dr. Pepper from a bottle and some how when she brought the bottle down from her lips it managed to splash Dr. Pepper right in her face causing her to have the most shocked and amazed look on her little face... and causing me to snicker under my breath for a moment. Bad mommy.

Nekked Fun

In the past few weeks I've run into a couple of articles about naked stuff. Like a group of people who dine naked (where do you keep your wallet???) or people playing tennis naked. Yeah tennis.

Some things are great done naked, like having a naked tickle fight. I can sort of see the whole dining naked thing. I mean if you spill you aren't ruining a shirt and all - just if it's hot soup or something.. well ya might want some pants or something on. I mean, damn! Hot food can be dangerous! Other than that, I'm not sure I'd like a bunch of naked people around when I'm trying to eat.

Now tennis naked I just don't understand. All the running around makes things flop and jiggle. I mean I can't imagine many guys wanting their balls flopping around for that long! I couldn't watch, I'd keep thinking about how darn painful their balls would be after the match.

Naked tickle fight = gooooood, Naked dinner = okay, Naked tennis = ouchie bad

What A Waste!

That gigantic lobster died. Damn, what a shame! All I can think about is all that tasty lobster meat going to waste. They should have cooked that bad boy while they had a chance.

Gotta Love Ebay!

Tawny Peaks is selling one of her 'crazy big' implants. She had size 69-HH implants! Holy crap! Go ahead, bid on it!

Drama Night!

So apparently tonight was Drama Night at karaoke and I didn't get the memo. One fresh break up, two ex-girlfriends (or three actually), one jilted drunk, one psychotic exhusband story and one sappy happy love story. It was not the night for love, let me tell you, hell I'm almost afraid to talk to XXX now! Oh yeah and I got invited to something, but I can't talk about it yet! It's a secret! Woohoo!

Random Crap Cluttering My Mind...

Did you know...
The small, fuzzy kiwifruit may pack a big punch when it comes to heart health.
Eating kiwifruit every day may help lower triglyceride levels, according to a recent study. Reducing triglyceride levels and other blood fats helps to guard against the buildup of dangerous arterial plaques. The vitamin C, vitamin E, and polyphenol content of kiwifruit may be the reason for its heart benefits.

RealAge Benefit: Eating a diverse diet that includes 4 servings of fruit per day can make your RealAge as much as 4 years younger.
I didn't know that. I read it in an e-mail. SPAM can be educational at times and not just learning what pills and exercises will make a penis larger and rock hard for a long time.

On to other things I've discovered...
When I'm in the mood to waste time and chat, everyone else is busy. Fuck, somebody talk to me!!! IM me! Call me! Contact me telepatically! Something!!!

Okay, I'm done.

Asprin doesn't do shit for me on a sinus headache. My head hurts.

Enlightening Event

The other night K fixed the light on the fan. What was wrong with the fan you may be asking? (probably not, but it might make sense if I tell you) Days earlier I had pulled the chain to turn the light off and the chain came off in my hands. I never called the maintenance man to come fix it as I'm terribly forgetful about things that aren't a constant irritant and since I rarely have the light on during the day, I never rememberd to call. Around 6 or so every day I'd remember and think, "Oh, I should have called about that... too late now, better do it tomorrow". K got tired of waiting on my lame ass to call for repair and decided to do something terribly manly (and thus endanger his status as a GAY male and risk having his GAY CARD taken away), he decided to FIX the light. This brought great fear to me as K is not the most mechanically incline or electrically inclined. He can plunge a toilet as well as the next guy and has managed to fix a wonky disposal a couple of times, and has worked on the computers, but not much else in the MANLY GUY stuff catagory. I was actually afraid he would end up shocking the crap out of himself and I'd hurt myself stiffleing laughter then be filled with unending guilt for days - hey, don't give me that "You're such an insufferable bitch" look, he has blown up the computer before and believe me I suffer plenty. Anyway he managed to get things taken apart without injury, figured he needed a new part, went and got it and put things back together by himself. No shocks. The only little kvetch is that the light bulb fixture part didn't go back in right and it's kind of hanging there inside the glass globe covering it and as the fan turns, it shakes back and forth slightly, and the chain on the light/fan shakes making it tap against the glass rythmicly, just a little... but... enough... to... drive me to drink!!! *sigh*

Anyway, good job of fixing the fan K, I'm truly impressed you managed to do it quickly and without self injury. ;o)

that's all for now, I suppose I need to actually do some work.

This Just Makes Me Hungry

I just read this story about a giant lobster and I'm left with one question... would I have a pot large enough to cook that sucker?

Something Guaranteed To Offend!

Go check out the Dress Up Jesus! It's hours of fun! (well at least a few minutes)

Yet Another Stupid Thing...
But It Made Me Laugh

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Prowling out of the desert, carrying a piece of chainlink fence, cometh Judypooh! And she gives an ominous cry: "I'm going to fuck you until you pee fire!!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

*snerk* Can't help think of XXX with that one. Wondering if he's walking straight yet. ;o)

All laced up!


Once K got home, I enlisted him to lace me all the way up. Looks better and now I have BOOBIES!

my new corset


(ignore how dorky I look in the picture, focus on the corset)
I'm so proud of myself, I finished my new corset, but that's not why I'm so proud - I laced it up myself (behind my back)! Well all except the last two grommets at the bottom. It needs to be tightened and fully laced, but I think it looks good - and will look even better with my black chemise.

I am 46% Asshole/Bitch.

I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

Funny, I thought I'd be more of a bitch.

Watching Too Much Sports

Watch this. Oh yeah, that's my commercial. (Thanks Petey for the link)

Penis Envy

I was just reading a post on a blog where in a woman relayed how she had a discussion with a friend that involved them discussing their mates penis size. I'm not even going to ASK how many women do THAT, because I KNOW WAY TOO MANY who do. I personally don't, never have, and I never would with ANYONE who would actually KNOW my boyfriend/husband/lover/etc. First of all penis size doesn't impress me at all. Talent and knowing how to get me THERE and getting me THERE impresses me, so someone talking about what a big dick their boyfriend has does nothing but make me think what a classless 'ho they are. Secondly WHY would you discuss your mates' privates? Have you no respect for your mate?

Men, how do you feel about your mate discussing your cock? Is it cool with you or does it make you a little uneasy. I'm not talking about BRAGGING about your bedroom antics, I'm taking about her talking about how you measure up and only that - because believe it or not guys often the conversation is JUST about size and not about prowess. Is this a conversation you are comfortable with?

Just wondering.

And Now For Something Completly Different...

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

I found these endlessly amuseing as it obviously show's my pure redneck white trash back ground. (I did it twice because I'm wearing leopard print panties, I put in tan for the klan white and leopard print for the spousal abuse black & blue.)

And now yet another stupid quiz...

Your Love Number is

2 Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced.

What Is Your Love Number?

Hmmm... I think that might be correct...

And finally...

Your Brain is 33.33% Female, 66.67% Male

You have a total boy brain Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts And while your emotions do sway you sometimes... You never like to get feelings too involved

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I've said that before.

Office Space With A Twist

This was sent to me... I laughed so hard. Go, watch, especially if you are at work. ;o)

Dr. Pepper


This weekend while I was haveing a fabulous time in San Antonio, K took the kids to the Dr. Pepper plant in Dublin TX. It's the oldest Dr. Pepper bottling plant in the world and it has a all this cool stuff there to see. I almost wish I could have gone with them to see that... almost.

When K and the kids picked me up at the airport there was a Dr. Pepper waiting in the car for me. Not just any Dr. Pepper, but a Dr. Pepper made with Real Imperial Sugar (not corn syrup). It was quite good.

Last night as I headed off to bed and was standing in my doorway chatting, K said "Oh, theres a box of Dr. Pepper on your bed." To which I responded "Yeah right, I wish." Then I stepped in and saw... a box of Dr. Peppers on my bed "Oh! There really is one!" A nice end to a really great weekend.

Bend Over, This Won't Hurt Much

The ticket is taken care of... for this month. The lovely city of Plano offers payment plans for tickets for us broke dicks who can't fork over $400+ at the drop off a hat. I did this last month with one ticket and got an extention on the other ticket. This month I paid off the one ticket and added the other to the payment plan, and only had to pay $100. Well today, I only had to pay $100. It cost $50 to do the payment plan. Yeah, sucks. At least I'm not in jail.

This Post Brought To You Today By The Letter S, As In Stress!!!!

Back from my little vacation in SA and I'm imediately bombarded with my stressful life. Generally speaking my life doesn't stress me that much. Today is another story, had to clean the living room (it would be so lovely if the Cleaning Fairy would pay a visit while I'm gone on the weekends), find my ticket info as today is the day I have to go make payment, etc - and when I find the papers I see that the due date for that was 2/27/05!!!! YESTERDAY! So I panic for 60 seconds as I call the court house and am told that it's cool, it's fine just come in and pay TODAY, yesterday the court house was closed so I have until the next business day to take care of the ticket. Whew... (yes I know, I'm always right under the wire on things, I absolutly hate that, but what the fuck.) Anyway, I breath a little eaiser - then remember that Excal is second weekend in March so I have until then to get a couple of projects finished! YIKES! I had hoped to get more sewing (as in to sell) done before now - that didn't work out. And money, I'm stressing over money, my check should have been here this past Thursday and it's not here YET, I'm anxiously waiting for the mail to get here in hopes that the CHECK will be IN the MAIL!!!!

I did have a spectacular weekend though.

Fun At The Airport

So I'm in SA with XXX have a great time. *sigh* Just thought I'd fill you in on the fun one can have at the airport thanks to two wee children and on gay husband.

I got to the airport with plenty of time, go to the security check point, put my luggage on the belt, put my purse in the container, take off my shoes and put them in my container, take off my jacket and put it in the container, take off my shirt... oh wait.. that was later... anyway... I walk through the metal detector and wait for my items to get x-rayed. As I wait the security person stops the conveyor, re-checks the items and calls someone to take the container because theres SOMETHING there. It's MY purse. The man pulls me to the side and tells me that there are scissors in my purse. I say "What? Scissors? I don't have scissors." He informs me that Yes I do have scissors and proceeds to paw through my purse and produce a tiny pair of scissors. I've NEVER seen them before, my only explanation is that the Tiny Terroists planted them in my purse to add to the excitement of my trip. I told the guy he could throw the scissors away because I'd never seen them. He did, I went on.

Once in the terminal waiting on my plane, I decided that I would go ahead and get some thing to eat since I wouldn't arrive until 9 pm. I stand in the slowest line available deciding on getting a cheese burger and a small Dr. pepper. When it's my turn I open my change purse to discover that SOMEONE (read K) had purloined my MONEY! I had $2 and change. Enough to ge a medium drink. Which I did. Then cursed K.

Anyway... I made it, haveing a wonderful time, gotta get back to having fun now. ;o)

Tasty Road Kill

The concept of this treat had to have been conceived in the mind of some Cajun working in the Lousiana division of KRAFT. I am just a bit saddened that they don't include a skunk in the mix, just partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels. Also why not an armadillo? I just must get some - not much into Gummi candies, but who could resist a squirrel with a tire track on it? You know you couldn't!

But some people are pissed about this tasteless little confection. Tight ass animal rights activists say it's cruel and promotes violence against animals to children. *eyes rolling up in head* Just read the article here. Can these people not take a joke???

*sigh* All this talk about road kill has me thinking aobut lunch, think I'll go warm up my armadillo on the half shell - luckily this time I didn't hit it so hard so it'll be nice and tender. ;o)

I Swallow!

Here's one for the guys - it illustrates why it's BEST to have a girlfriend who swallows. And it highlights why I am an fabulous girlfriend (because I swallow).

(I'm actually quite creeped out by the woman who did this.) This is my favorite line in this story:

"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift — an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee,"

heh... gift... Hey XXX, ya gonna 'deliver' any 'gifts' to me this weekend?

The Clock Is Ticking

I'll be in SA with XXX tomorrow night. I can barely contain my excitement. I think I'm more excited to see him than I was last time. Waking up next to him is probably the best damn thing in the world!

Odd Inquiry

I answer the phone to hear the question "Boxers or briefs?", and stammer "uh.. boxers I guess." The caller says "No your husband, boxers or briefs?" I answer (which is not relevant to the story really) and we hang up, I think to myself "Hmmm... I wonder if they remember that I don't have sighting of K's underwear these days." (and that my friends is a true blessing.)

Gentle caller, I hope my impromptu reply has given you the answer you needed concerning K's unmentionables. I have to request that anyone else wanting information of that type to put your request in writing and submit it to K personally. I have nothing to do with his underpants and would prefer my thoughts free of his undies. I don't even wash his underwear if at all possible, he's completly responsible for his own skives these days.

Now I think I'll need an internet porn cleansing to get the images of his laundry out of my head.

*note: the caller was a GUY and not K's boyfriend! Dude... do we need to have a talk

Crap Cluttering Up My Head

Yesterday was an alternately productive and unproductive day. I did clean the kitchen thorougly and did a load of laundry - yes A LOAD, which is actually fairly pittiful as this household can produce 3 loads of laundry in one freaking day. I have no idea how that happens, some kind of laundry mojo, but it happens. Last week I got all of the laundry done save two loads of miscellanous non clothing crap. By Monday the laundry room was bulging and I had to call in two midgets to hold the door closed so I wouldn't have to see it. Sadly the midgets got drunk and I had to kick them out then do some laundry.

Laundry Delima

Generally I don't mind doing laundry but recently I've come to an point where I don't fucking want to fold laundry. I will continue to WASH and dry laundry, piling the CLEAN and fluffy laundry on the sofa in hopes of it magically folding itself and finding it's way upstairs to be put away. I think this is some passive agressive attempt to get someone (K) to help fold laundry (and not just HIS). It doesn't work. Men don't get subtle. So the laundry languishes on the sofa for a couple of days before it drives me to hit the bottle and since I generally don't have much booze in the house I have to resort to actually folding the fucking laundry.

A pox on thee foul linens! Stop vexing me so! Ah well... deep cleansing breaths... must do the Zen thing... the laundry is only as bad as I let it be... Yeah RIGHT!

Moving on...

Who Would Shoplift Yogurt On Sale?

Last night we went grocery shopping, it's an evil necessity and it was a better option than sending Super Girl to school with a lunch of multi-grain crackers with jelly, some stale white cheddar popcorn, a few sad looking grapes and a bottle of nasty beer. Off to Albies we go. They have this cool self scan thing so you can scan things as you shop. I like this as I can keep track of how much I'm spending on wine and Nyquil and balance it out by spending the same amount on food for the offspring. Last night I was not feeling to damn good. Someone was tampering with a voodoo doll of me and my stomach was hurting. (time to start making voodoo dolls of people again... I even have someone in mind, might not be the person stabbing my doll, but throwing this person in the dryer will definitly make me feel better and less likely to get a gun and head for a clock tower.) By the time we hit the speedy check out lane with our $49.33 worth of yogurt and hooch, I was in no mood to be messed with. I did all the stuff to have my information downloaded from my scanner so I could bag shit up and pay when the checker/attendant/service person over the SELF CHECK OUT came over and said that she had to check my basket. She randomly scans a few items in my basket and says to me "Did you scan all of the things in your basket?" giving me a look like "Oh I just caught you trying to steal." I very crossly told her that yes I did scan everything in my basket. She goes back to randomly scanning items in my basket and giving me the "You are a lyeing thief" look which is pissing me off and making me want to smack her or just walk the fuck out (which I could not do as I HAD to have my wine and Nyquill.. I mean, bread to make Super Girl's lunch with). Finally I tell her I'll just scan everything again and shove my basket over to the check out. I scan everything again and guess what? The total is STILL $49.33. A-Fucking-Mazing, I wasn't trying to steal yogurt after all. And honestly, if I WAS going to shoplift some groceries, it sure as hell wouldn't be $2 worth of yogurt and $3 worth of lunch meat, I'd be hiding $20 worth of prime rib or something! Also, I sure as shit would not be bringing the family along on a shoplifting spree... "Okay officer, can you let me give my kid a dollar to call her auntie? Okay Super Girl, call Aunt D and tell her mommy is going to the pokey and she needs to come pick you up then find a nice bail bonds man to get mommy out. Can you remember that?" Fuck them. As we walked to the car K said to me "Did she just accuse us of trying to steal?" I assured him that she did infact imply we were trying to shoplift and K said he would write the division office and complain. Which is a good idea even though I'm very good at writing coherent and to the point complaint letters, I think he should this time as he's much less likely to use phrases like "mutha'fuckin' carton of yogurt", "fucking store" or "smug little cunt".

Mini Vacation

I leave Friday night to see XXX. I'm excited, I haven't seen him since mid January and I miss him quite a bit.

Back By Popular Demand

I'll be participating in Illustration Friday's again. This week I won't be participating this Friday as the topic is Sorrow and quite frankly that is depressing. I could eaisly come up with something for it, even things pertinent to current events, but I just don't want to, I'm quite tired of being sad. So if someone can think of a NON depressing topic to illustrate, make a suggestion and we'll see just how creative I can get.

Disconnected

You know your out of the loop when the phone line has been dead most of the day and you don't discover it until 5 pm.

What's worse is when the phone line is fixed bright and early the next morning and no one aside from you noticed you were unreachable.

*sigh* Talk about being unpopular.

Late Pressies Are Great!



This past Saturday at our bi-monthly gameing session, Petey & The Bear (his wife) brought my late Christmas/Chanukah present. The 2005 children's Writer's & Illustrator's Market. I was so excited! Still am! I would LOVE to be an illustrator.

It's always great to have friends who are supportive and encouraging. Thanks Petey & The Bear!

Baby Jekyll & Baby Hyde

People who say that being a full time mom is easy are either (a) childless or (b) lieing about their own little demons, possibly (c) regularly sedating their kids or possibly (d)complete fucking morons. I challenge these people to spend a long weekend with my kids (sans me) and see if their opinion changes.

Living with a toddler is much like living with a very volitile person with schizophrenia who happens to really love Elmo. Lucky for me my family is fraught with mental illness so I'm not terribly caught off guard when my darling little child's head spins around and she turns into the demon I know she can be.

Take this morning, it started out like most Monday mornings. The alarm goes off, I eventually get out of bed, start reading e-mail as K herds the Little People down stairs for breakfast. As with most mornings that Cabbage Patch doesn't wake on her own, she's become The Badger (not to be confused with this), so named because she's so unpleasant in the mornings and much like a badger, she doesn't like to be disturbed. This fine morning, she burrows into the sofa and stays there while Super Girl has breakfast and get's ready for school. 10 minutes before we leave (because doing this any sooner just means I suffer longer), I pull her out of the sofa to get her dressed and it goes something like this:

**Badger: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I don't wanna get dressed!
Me: Too bad.
Badger: Whaaaaaaa! NOOOOOOO! I want breakfast!
Me: You'll have to wait until we drop off sister.
Badger: NOT THOSE PANTS! I don't want those pants!
Me: Too bad.
Badger: NOOOOOOOO! Not my 'jama pants! Don't take dem off! NOOOOOOO!
Me: *silent determination*
Badger: Breakfast! I want breakfast! No pants!
Me: Cabbage Patch, you'll have to wait until we get back. You have to get dressed.
Badger: NOOOOOOOOO! I don't want to! *hits me*
Me: *smacks Badger's bottom* Stop that.
repeat 5 times from ** before continuing

(time to leave)
Badger: Not that sweater! Not that sweater!
Me: Come on, we are running late now.
Super Girl: I'm ready!
Me: I'm not talking to you. Open the door.
Badger: Nooooooooo! I don't want dez pants!
Me: *Pushing the Badger out the door* Let's go.
***Badger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't walk! I can't walk!
Me: *pulling her along* Yes you can, see you're doing it right now.
Badger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not dis sweater! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I don't want deez pants!
Me: Fine, you can put your jammie pants back on when we get home.
Repeat from *** for the next 5 minutes

On the way home:
Badger: *snif* I wear my 'jamma pants when I get home?
Me: Yes.
Badger: *snif* I take off dis sweater?
Me: Sure.
Badger: Okay.
Badger: I watch Elmo?
Me: That's fine.

Back home, she's smiling and laughing, all evidence of her personality shift is completly gone. I'm not sure if she needs phsychotherapy or an exorcist (not to be confused with this) (maybe I just need more Duct tape... and some valium for myself).

I Must Like To Suffer

Last night I made a big pot of chili. mmmmm I love chili, especially HOT chili. Chili does NOT like me - well tomato products in general don't agree with my stomach and tend to make me have to take several acid blocker tablets, expecially hot food causes me to do the same thing. Last night I put peppers and hot sauce on my yummy chili. It was so good I could almost feel it burn when it hit my stomach. I had two bowls of chili... then a handful of acid blockers. It was a good night.

ps - I just had some left over chili and a salad for lunch. I'm a glutton for punishment. Anyone wanna spank me now? ;o)

New Garb!


I'm so happy! I just finished my new black chemise! I LOVE how it looks and can't for faire so I can wear it.

Because I Have Children...

I get to utter such gems as "No, cats don't eat grapes so stop trying to feed them to her!"

Winter Stash


Apparently one of my children is part squirrel. Someone has been collecting and storing acorns... in the laundry of all places. I keep finding acorns in the washer and dryer. I think I need to explain to them that they are suposed to burry the nuts OUTSIDE, not IN the laundry. Although, they certainly do come out quite shiny after a trip through the washer and dryer.

Self Portrait Wednesday

Because someone deemed it so, here is me with the least amount of make-up possible to not scare the shit out of people. ;o)

Toddler Speak

Cabbage Patch has reached the stage of substituting words she knows for words she doesn't. Mostly similar sounding words. It's funny. Yesterday while clearing out the 'garden' she found a bunch of rolly-pollys and proceded to call them ravioli's and refused to call them anything else. This morning she pointed to some cocoons on a tree and called them racoons. heh.

Clubbin' For The Retard
Or
Why I Hate Pantyhose

That would be me. I went out on Saturday night with some of my rennie friends. Now mind you I haven't been clubbing in YEARS and I ALWAYS feel like I'm dressed wrong and just being the BIGGEST dork when I do go.

I consult Shan about what to wear because of my dork factor. I decide I would wear my boots with my skirt - not such a good idea really, but the boots are very cool.

Now I never wear pantyhose, I swore of them the day I discovered stockings (thigh highs). Pantyhose are just horible. They fit me funny, make me too hot and pinch after a while. And getting them on... well that's an ordeal in it's self. I planned to wear stockings but for some fucked up reason I could NOT find two that matched. I found a sheer black one, a sheer white one and a sheer brown one. Fuck. In searching for a mate to any one of thoes listed above I found a pair of black pantyhose, still in the package. They must have been at least 4 years old. But I was desperate and it was getting late. I shoved my fat ass into the pantyhose and briefly thought "this is a bad idea, these things suck" but dismissed that because I wanted to wear my boots and I couldn't without stockings or such.

Shan and Drew picked me up at 9:30 pm, we headed to John and Heidi's - a 30 minute drive. By then I was starting to be pinched by the evil things. Off to the club, we get there about 11 pm. As I walk from the parking lot to the club I feel the evil fuckers sliding down from their position of being up over my ass to down below my panty line. Fuck. I'm standing in line trying to discreetly adjust them and it's not working (the adjusting part, not the discreet part). I go right to the bathroom when we get in as I don't want them to soon be around my knees and be worrying about them hanging at my ankles. My intent when I entered the stall was to hike them back up and suffer through the evening but sanity smacked me and I figured that I needed to get rid of the horrific pantyhose. My solution... I ripped the hose right above my boots and tossed the remains of the pantyhose in the stall. I was FREE! Woohoo!

The rest of the evening was interesting to say the least - the music sucked and at one point there was some weird black guy dancing next to me/on me. The others found this desperately funny. The drinks were cheap which kind of made up for the $10 cover charge *choke!* *cough!*

We left the club about 1:30 am (me, John & Heidi had enough of the crappy music) and headed for BREAKFAST! Where I had a fucking $2.99 cup of fucking coffee! DAMN!!! If I had know it was THAT much I would have had 4 or 5 of them! Shan promised that the next time we would do the po' folks route for breakfast.

After all was said and done, I got to bed at 4:30 am and managed to be at work at 8:30 am.

A fun evening was had by all.

Super Girl's Day

Before I start, I must appologize for my absence to the three people who regularly frequent this page and have come to rely (heh... funny) on this page for entertainment (really just to gawk at the train wreck of my life and be amazed at the idiotic things that come out of my head, but that's cool too), I have been busy... or was it just lazy? Whatever.

Sunday was the anniversary of the birth of my oldest progeny. She turned 6. So in true Mommy Blog form I will indulge in telling her BIRTH STORY! Yeah I know, you don't really give a shit, but I feel obligated to do this. ;o)

Friday February 12, 1999 K and I got into a disussion on whether or not my water (as in the stuff around the baby, not the glass on my night stand) was leaking or not. I was 5 days late at this point (and HUGE) so we decided to hold off on going to work and call the Dr. office. At 8 am I was standing in my kitchen about to call the doctors office when I had my first REAL contraction. I was so excited - I told K, who was also excited - then I called the doctors office. We went to my doctor and saw the PA on duty who informed me that my water was not broken, but I was in fact in labor and dialated to 4 cm, to go on home and wait.

K and I were soooo excited. We got out of the doctors office at 11 AM and decided to go to lunch. My contractions were mild so I was thinking that this would be EASY. Little did I know. Anyway, we go to lunch at Steak Kountry, a little hole in the wall near where we lived. The funniest part was the waitress asking when I was due and me saying that I was in labor right then, her eyes got as big as saucers and she said "Why are you here???", because I was hungry!

At 11 pm that night I was STILL in labor (and totally fucking tired of it). We went to bed. I got up at midnight to take a shower since the 'easy contractions' I was having were now no longer so easy... and my back hurt. Back to bed around 1 am, up again 2 am for another hot shower. I wake K at 2:30 am to time contractions (actually just because I didn't want to be awake and misreble alone, he needed to be awake and misreble with me). At the MOMENT I was finally having contractions 5 minutes apart, I told K to call the hospital, that we were headed in - I was READY for this to be over. I called D and told her to meet us at the hospital, woke my grandmother to tell her I was FINALLY leaving. It was 3 am, Saturday February 13th. I was no longer happy or excited, I was irritable, sleep deprived, bitchy and anxious to get this the fuck over with.

Sometime after we checked into the hospital K & D told the nurses I hadn't sleept much in the past three days (which is true) and I was offered some drugs to help me sleep as according to them I wasn't very far along (they threatened to send me home but D told them that was a no go since I was 45 minutes from the hospital). I accepted the drugs at the urging of K and D. The rest of this shit is just fuzzy because of all the drugs. D or K can correct some of this shit someday.

I was now whacked out on drugs so I would fall asleep while talking, waking to have a really really painful contraction. I think D painted my nails and tried to play cards with me. I believe I was evil and psychotic when I had contractions yelling at people to just talk to me to distract but don't touch me (in the end I think K was reading me things from his game books). D left at some point and smuggled in contraband food - I remember french fries and chocolate milk. Thousands of people were in and out of my room, I would not be surprised if every janitor in the building was in there at one time - all the while I'm laying in the bed and at various times flat on my back with my cooch exposed. It was about 9 am they broke my waters in hopes of speeding up labor - which didn't work. 10 am I was offered petocin to move it along - at this point I BEGGED for an epidural - fuck going natural, I was in PAIN. The man who makes things happy showed up and jabbed me in the back. At some point the OB on shift came in, stuck his arm up my cooch all the way to the elbow, said something about me being dialated to a 6 or 7, that it was going to be a while and he was going to his kid's soccer game - see ya! I wished for a knife to jab into his forehead at that moment, but alas that is not typical equipment in a labor room. More dozing, playing cards, babbling incoherently and cursing K for getting me pregnant. At some point my epidural wore off completly on one side causing me GREAT pain - then there was the nurse telling me I wasn't feeling pain, it was pressure - bitch was argueing with me about what I was feeling! Then I started getting all crazy and shit. D when and reemed that nurses ass and got a new nurse in who turned up the drugs. I swear I saw angel wings and a halo on that nurse.

I had to push a long time, that kid was HUGE and NOT coming out, her soulder was caught on my pelvic bone. The doctor used the vacume to get her out but that didn't work, he finally used the salad tongs (forceps) which freaked me out because they are FUCKING HUGE! She popped out then and when the doctor held her up she had her little hand up so I said "Look, she's waveing at me!" which caused everyone to laugh at me, hey I was still whacked out on drugs. But there she was at 6:09 pm weighing 9 lbs and 9 oz, 21.5 inches long. No wonder I was so bitchy while pregnant.

AND 6 years later...

It's her birthday and she's sooooo excited. After naps she requested her birthday cake and wanted to decorate. So it was off to Super WallyWorld to procure a birthday cake, some birthday decorations and a birthday feast fit for a 6 year old. It was fish sticks and french fries for dinner and a cute white cake with big hot pink and yellow flowers decorating it. The cake had SOOOO much frosting on it I thought I was going to go into a diabetic coma half way through my piece. Super Girl was quite happy.

Party Part 2

Sometimes I feel sorry for Super Girl that I birthed her the day before Valentines (hey I was ready to have that baby in January - she was just being stuborn), but for now it's great for her because there was a class Valentine's party already scheduled. I had gotten the okay to bring birthday cupcakes to the class, so she got to hijack the Valentine's party and make it her birthday party. Later in life it's going to suck for her when she has a cheap ass boyfriend who doesn't want to have to spring for a Valentine's present AND a birthday present. I'm so sorry child of mine.

And the fun doesn't end there, since she's the OLDEST grandchild on K's side of the family, there will be ONE final gathering to celebrate her birthday. She's so spoiled.

Okay enough about the offspring, I've done my maternal duty, it's back to talking about ME!!

Something SCARY!!!

McDonalds has a new feature on their site that lets one find out the nutritional info for what they would order. Go check out the Bag A McMeal and be shocked by the numbers. I know I was - my typical order, which does NOT include french fries, came in with 670 calories, 26 grams of fat (2.5 being trans fat), 85 carbs and a staggering 1640 mg of sodium. A switch from regular coke to diet saves 150 calories and almost half the carbs. Lucky for me I rarely ever eat at McD's.

Go, check it out.. you may swear off ever eating at McD's again.

My pirate name is:

Red Mary Vane

Passion is a big part of your life, which makes sense for a pirate. You tend to blend into the background occaisionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

I like that... Arrrrgh!

The Alcohol Knowledge Test

My results:

Bourbon
Congratulations! You're 118 proof, with specific scores in beer (20) , wine (116), and liquor (86).
Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

Kindergarten Mafia


I'm not sure who Super Girl pissed off, but I found a severed teddy head in her bed.

Brand Spanking New!


I just got my replacement coffee maker! Woohoooo!!!

Funny thing is that for some fucked up reason my last name was misspelled on the shipping lable. I have the EAISIEST last name! Oh well, I forgive the extra e since my Coffee Maker is HERE!!!

Well, gotta go, looks like it's COFFEE TIME!

Valentine Card


Okay, I'm having a sappy MOM moment. Super Girl just finished making a Valentine's Card for her Aunt D. She wrote a short letter inside. I'm so proud of her, she sounded out all the words and wrote her little sentences. I'm all teary!

Ditchin' A Bad Date

There have been times in my life I have wished I had something like this.

We've all had bad dates. Luckily it's been over a year since I've had a bad date I needed to escape from.

My most memorable bad date worthy of escape was a blind double date that I had been set up on by friends. This was back when I was either a senior in high school or just out of high school. I had gone with a friend to her boyfriends house, and while they were messing around on the bed, I was at his computer typing away to someone on some BBS. Turns out that it was my friends boyfriends best friend. We talked for a while until boyfriend's mom came to douse them with cold water (call them for dinner). A day or so later boyfriend gave his best friend my phone number. He called and we talked, we got along well and had a lot in common. We talked on the phone for a week or two - we even called each other on the commercials as we watched The Omen on TV one night. Now Kirby - that was friends boyfriend - would always be evasive when I asked what his friend looked like. I'm not all hung up on looks so it wasn't a huge deal since we got along well on the phone. My friend decided that it was TIME for THE BIG DATE and she set up for all four of us to go to a movie premier one Saturday afternoon. We meet up and I see this guy. The first thing I notice is that he has the BIGGEST NOSE I have EVER seen on a human being. I mean HUGE. Like I said, I'm not totally hung up on looks so it's not a big deal. What was a big deal was that within seconds of meeting me in person, Big Nose totally fucking ignores me! Seriously! We go to Wendy's for lunch, he says absolutly NOTHING to me as we ride in is lemon yellow Volvo. He did spring for my burger - woohoo, big spender. At the theater as we stand in line he turns his BACK to me! My friend was sooooo embarassed she kept whispering appologies to me. His appaling behavior just made me focus more on his freakishly large nose and I kept repeating in my head "Don't stare at his nose! Don't stare at his nose! What a dick, why isn't he talking to me? Fuck! that's a huge schnooz!" I was thankful for the movie so that I didn't have to see his BIG ASS NOSE any more or deal with the silent treatment. Sheesh what an ass... I wouldn't be surprised if he still lives at him with his mom and surfs porn in his basement room every night.

Another abysmal date was just about 3 years ago. He SEEMED like a nice guy. We met at one of my favorite places for dinner. The whole time he kept stareing at me and telling me how 'cuddly' I was. I ate quickly, he was creepy. After dinner he tries to stiff the waiter on dinner then acts like it was an accident. *eyes rolling up in head* He gets me to sit in his car so we can *talk* - my mistake. I spent the next half hour pushing his hands off me as he tried to touch me, kiss me, hug me between telling me how pretty I was and how cuddly I was. I finally told him I had to go. Then he asked for a blow job and exposed his pittifully small penis to me. Yeah, I was so gone.

Another looser spent the entire time watching the game at the sports bar and ignoring me. Even the bartender was giving me sympathy. I had enough and told him 'later', he insisted on walking me to my car at that point and had the nerve to ask for SEX! (actually he mumbled so I had to ask him to repeat himself) I said 'I don't think so.' and pushed him away when he tried to kiss me.

I suspect that bad dates are easy to come by, it's the good dates that are quite rare.

Really Big Penis Night



Petey and I went to karaoke last night. That's my second choice outfit after some fucked up incident involving a shirt ripping on the seams a la Incredible Hulk. Okay, that's a lie, but it ripped and I had to change into the on in the picture


Ha - Fucking - Ha

Petey had prepared my seat for me. Nice plastic garbage bag covers there. I threatened him bodily if he told the story of the car at the bar.

My Bitch Sings


As most know, Petey IS MY BITCH. That is not to imply anything sexual, he's just my bitch. Occasionally the table turns and I'm his bitch, but usually - he's my bitch. In the past Petey has stated his dislike for Karaoke - yet he's been to karaoke with me twice. He's also stated that he won't sing karaoke - but here is photographic proof that My Bitch sings. This is a photo from when I was making him fuck up his FIRST song - yeah that's right, he sang like THREE songs, Mr. I-don't-sing-karaoke.

The best phrase of the night: Mild mannered and some what conservative Heidi telling a story and repeating the phrase "Really large penis" several times.

Best drama of the evening: The break up of a couple. Public breakups are intersting to say the least.

Weirdest moment: The really cute girl kissing the really unattractive scary guy.

At anyrate, Petey, who's an attention whore, is hooked - everyone loves him. He's very funny. Come to the dark side Petey!

Good Reading!

If you haven't ever checked out Savage Love, you should. Brutaly honest advice about sex and relationships from a snarky gay guy, what's not to love?

King Cake


So yesterday was Fat Tuesday and K asked... no BEGGED me to make a King Cake. I agreed and here it is. Not sure why the colors are so muted, but it IS the correct colors. Instead of a little baby doll, I put in a shiny new quarter as I just didn't have a tiny baby doll in the pantry and I though putting Barbie in the cake would have been overkill.

A Year Of Cock!


I mean The Year Of The Cock! At any rate I'm looking forward to it. Happy Chinese New Year! Go out and celebrate with some cock!

Nemesis


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmm... what do you think?

One For The Rental List


John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Oh fuck, I must see this dog of a movie.

YIKES!

Read this story. It just makes ME hurt and I'm a girl!

Cooooooffffffeeeeeee.... Cooooooofffffeeeee....
(anyone who has seen Shaun Of The Dead should conjure up images from that movie - and if you haven't seen that movie, well you SUCK!)

I woke this morning with my sinus' feeling like they had been packed with cement. Ugh. I took a NON-DROWSY sinus tablet - just one, not the recommended two. As soon as I returned from getting Super Girl on the bus I crashed on the sofa. So much for fucking non-drowsy sinus tablets! Lucky for me Cabbage Patch is still not feeling 100% and she's not tearing around the house getting into things.

Currently I'm sucking down some delicious coffee in hopes of gaining full consiousness.

Obnoxious - Even In Dreams

This morning my alarm woke me from a rather comical dream, wherein I was being obnoxious. All I remember is that a friend was over and he said he was going to go outside to smoke, I said okay and as his hand reached the door handle I heard a loud crack of thunder. He opened the door and it was POURING outside. He stands there dejectedly with the cigarette hanging from his lips as I laugh loudly and say "I guess that's a message for you to quit!" He looks at me with an unamused look and lucky for me the alarm went off as I suspect he might have been about to choke me.

What ARE They Teaching My Kid???

I was just looking at some papers Super Girl brought home, one is a series of papers that say 'I wish I had 100...' and the kids fill in the blank. It appears that my progeny wrote Nukes, as in I wish I had 100 nukes. The picture she drew to go with this page sheds no light toward it being anything other than nukes as it's a person colored red screaming 'Oooooooooho'. My child wants nukes and a hundred of them. I suppose she is planning to take over the world or destroy it. I know her birthday is coming up this weekend, but please, please, please don't buy her a nuke.

Disturbing


I'm not exactly certain why I find that disturbing. I don't think it's the missing nose or the fact that Kennedy fits so well into the mismatched outfit. Maybe it's because Kennedy is a BOY! Gender confused teddy bears are just wrong. Even in this household. ;o)

Falling Down On The Job

Many moments in my life have been puncuated by my pants/panties falling down. Let me illuminate you on this. My first memorable incident of gravity defying underpants happend when I was 6 years old. My sister, who is 2 years older and at that time in history was in fact a bigger kid than me, had some lovely panties that I coveted as much as a 6 year old can covet (which is a shit-load more than one would imagine and probably some kind of elementary major level sin). I decided to wear them one day despite the fact that they were large on me. At recess I decided to join my class mates on the playground and ran for the door like the rest of them. Lucky for me I had a desk toward the back of the class, as I reached the door to the blessed outside a large teachers hand held me back and a voice interupted my playground dreams with words about needing to go into the bathroom to fix my panties. I looked down and saw that my panties were at my ankles. My first inclination was to kick them off and run to claim a swing before all of them were taken, but at my teachers insistance I hiked up my drawers and headed to the bathroom where she kindly saftey pinned them and they stayed put the rest of the day. Looking back I could swear that she was snicker the whole time, hmmm... and in my 6 year old mind I just thought she had a cold.

That was the first, since then there have been more moments of my trusted undergarments deciding to vacate my ass without notice (and I'm not talking about all the drunken moments of panty loss). I just have untrustworthy undies. Most recently I lost some weight so my drawers are... well... a bit baggy. heh. A few weeks ago I went to the store in some well baggy shorts... that the zipper doesn't stay up well... (I know I need to buy some new ones, but hey I'm cheap!). I had to go to the store to get some milk, as I entered the store I had this odd feeling, kind of like my pants were EXTRA BIG and then it occured to me that my pants were atempting to reach the floor. I had to try to fasten my pants (the button came undone), zip them and pull them back UP (not necessairly in that order) while NOT looking like that's exactly what I was doing. See the store was full of people. I did manage to get my pants back up if only for the mortifying fear of them falling and EVERYONE seeing what hidious undies I had on (it was laundry day, so it was UGLY PANTY day).

Today I was reminded of these (and other) panty falling moments as I walked Super Girl to the bus stop. This cold morning a I walked to the bus stop with one child holding each hand, I noticed my undes inching down with every step. Futily I tried to keep them up by hiking them up every few steps but that became impossible as Cabbage Patch started whineing and trying to free herself from the death grip I had on her tiny wrist. Eventually I was just thankful for the pants I was wearing as the crotch of the pants was the only thing holding them up as they sagged down below my butt cheeks. I need to have a fund raiser for new undies. Maybe I'll add a paypal button for a panty fund.

And that's it... that's my story. I'm Judy and my underwear doesn't fit.

*No fears people, I did buy 4 pairs of new undies last week, so no need to cringe and wonder if my butt cheeks are exposed when we are together.

Is It Possible?

Could I REALY REALLY FINALLY be WELL? (Physically, not mentally - I'm not holding my breath on that one ya know) It's 2:14 pm and I don't have the overwhelming urge to take a very very long nap under a very snuggly blanket (or a raggedy ass afghan, two small cats and a feverish toddler).

Cabbage Patch is holding on to her fever as though it were the last piece of chocolate cake. She just isn't shaking the damn thing. It's LOWER than it was, but it won't stay gone very long. Her fever will break and she'll be fine, running through the house terrorizing the cats then she'll be laying on the couch stareing blankly at Scooby Doo or better yet asleep and I'll think... hmmm better check for fever and damn it, she'll have a 99 degree temp. And the guilt, oh the guilt! I have guilt because I'm not totally heart broken about this, there is something to be said for PEACE and QUIET and for not having to clean the living room more than once a day.

Well back to the sewing!

PS - I just sent an e-mail to a friend that contained the line "I've just been so busy it's been a miracle if I even manage to find a moment to scratch my ass in peace much less send out e-mails. "

Infinite David Hasselhoff Project

Because XXX is not only sexy but a comic genius, I give you THIS (stolen from his blog) (don't look to long, it will damage your eye sight).

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping

Damn, just how many times can one person go to WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?? Or should I say, how many times do I have to be tortured by WallyWorld in a 24 hour period?

I had to go back yesterday after work to get a few things that I need to finish a project. As I was leaving WallyWorld I was struck by a thought that strikes me every so often when I'm at WallyWorld. My work smock is the exact same fucking color as the WallyWorld smocks. Ugh.

On to other shopping...

Later yesterday afternoon we go to Old Navy to get Super Girl some pants - I had a $25 gift card to use and she's growing so quick! We go to the NEW store that opened up near by. After looking through a bunch of crap I finally find two pairs of pants and one shirt for her. When it was time to check out, we were greated with the BITCHIEST sales person to check us out, I was so irritated at the end of the transaction I almost tossed the gift card on the counter and told her to keep it (stuff it) as I would never step foot back in there to use the rest - which is likely I never will but my mental filter kicked in and kept me polite.

Now I'm going to be talking smack about K's boyfriend, which is something I generally refrain from doing on here.

B wanted to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond because he needed a shower caddy. heh. So we go and we walk around the store - that place is sooooo expensive! They have some of the COOLEST things there - I saw this bath set that had pictures on it from my FAVORITE artist - Theophile Alexandre Steinlen- I was lusting over all of that. Anyway B carefully inspected the shower caddys available and finally decided on an achingly plain one that made me want to blurt out "What? Your going to spend that kind of money on that? You could get it cheaper at WallyWorld!" Later I told K that and he kind of snickered and told me that B doesn't shop at WallyWorld. Heh. Funny.

Home On A Saturday Night

What a sad and pathetic thing that is. I'd soooo much rather be else where... like SA with XXX, but fucking work expects me to actually WORK to get paid. Assholes. We were to have a game tonight but my virulent children ran all the gamers off - the venue was changed and everyone punked out after that. My children are no longer bio-hazzards (well no more than usual) but we still have no one over. I had the option to go to The New Mrs. S and her husband's for some frivolity but I think I shall opt instead to sit at home watching Kill Bill Vol. 2 and maybe do some sewing. I went shopping and for some damn reason a trip to SUPER Wally World sucks the time out of the air around me and a trip that started at 7 pm ended at 9:30 pm! Far to late to drive across town then have to leave at 11:30 pm so I can get to bed at midnight as I have that fucking job thing that screws up my weekends. *deep cleansing breaths... reminding myself that I'm working to make my sewing business support me so I can QUIT working the weekends and spend them sleeping in and waking up next to XXX more often.* Also I have a headache. Damn sinus headache. I was also invited to go clubbing with a friend tonight but declined as I think I spent WAY to much at a bar recently and want to save my meager funds for a differnt night of clubbing (I believe the 12th I'll be clubbing since I won't be spending the weekend languishing in bed with the hot and sexy XXX ).

Oh enough of my self absorbed whining about not being with XXX... On to other things.

205

Do you know that number is for? K knows... it's his number... as in his cholesteral. Last time it was checked he was all proud of himself that he wasn't in the HIGH range because he was holding out at 195. *ahem* Just because 200 is where the HIGH starts does not mean that 195 is GOOD dude. So he's agreed to join me on my eating plan and stop bringing crap into the house (which is good because he brings in crap and I end up with a BIGGER ass - yes, yes I know just because it's IN the house doesn't mean I HAVE to put it IN my mouth). He's going to get his cholesteral checked again in March when he gives blood again and I'm hopeing that if he sticks with eating well and getting a little exercise (walking around the lake in the evenings) he'll be able to drop his cholesteral by 10 points. I told him that he if doesn't, then he can fucking go back to eating Big Mac's and candy bars and I'll leave him alone. In the mean time I'll be getting my money's worth on my E-Diets account.

Cereal Debates

I dread the cereal section at the store. The act of the wee ones selecting a box of cereal can take 10 to 15 minutes. It's agonizing. I'm a mean mother, I don't let the Little People get sugar coated, marshmellow filled, nutrisionally void cereals. I don't care how freaking cheap it might be, I won't buy it. It's cool really, the kids like the GOOD cereals I let them get, but they are at the age now that they MUST select their OWN creal. Today it was a debate over getting a HUGE box of Kix or one getting LIFE and the other getting Corn Flakes or Chex creal. At the point that I was about to smack them both with a box of creal and choose for them they made a compromise and the tortured trip to SUPER Wally World was able to continue.

KFC Chicken Strips Elvis Would Return From The Dead (the mother ship really) For

Dear lord, I think I would sell my dark and tarnished not so immortal soul for KFC Chicken Strips (if it wasn't already being leased out to some lesser demonic cult). Last night in a bid to get the ever so sick Little People to eat, K ventured out to KFC to procure some chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, mashed potatoes with gravy and biscuits. This was a DIRECT request from Super Girl who hadn't eaten much all day.

K returned with the *cue angelic music and back lighting* CHICKEN STRIPS (and other food). I had NEVER tried the *cue music and lighting again* CHICKEN STRIPS before. The Little People didn't eat much more than the mashed potatoes with gravy and a bite of the chicken. THEN I tried them... but let me back up a bit, last week when I had to go to the City of Plano and hand over my money and promise them the rest of my black, black soul (when the cult is done with the lease) to keep my lame ass out of jail, I had lunch with K at McDonald's (mecca to every child living the US), I got the chicken strips there and after a couple of bites wished I had opted for the chicken nuggets as the strips sucked ass. Anyway... In a moment frozen in time, last night I bit into the delectable *cue music and lighting once again* KFC CHICKEN STRIPS and very nearly had either a religous experience or a sexual one, I'm not sure really but damn those strips are good! I already KNEW that I would seriously mame for KFC mashed potatoes and gravy (with a flaky biscuit) and a juicy crispy breast, but now I believe I would consider MURDER for the strips (luckily I don't have to as they seem to be readily available - and at a drive thru even).

Really SAD Compairison

Fuck, I need to get laid. Did you catch that food reference to sex? That's so damn sad. Sex is better than any food (yes even Godiva chocolates even though they come in VERY VERY close to a good orgasm). It's not like I don't have batteries for Bob and Bob Jr. (or that they aren't getting used and abused on a regular basis) - I need a trip to XXX again (or a visit from him - my bed is always open to you sweetie).

Okay, the kids are off to bed, time to watch 'Kill Bill Vol 2' then maybe catch 'Alien Vs Preditor'. I know, lame way to spend a Saturday night.

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Hmmm... Is that me?

One Year Ago Tomorrow...

Is when I met and fell head over heels in love with XXX. I was tempeted to bore everyone with the story of how we met but I'll spare ya. Instead I'll make your stomach turn by writing a letter to my sweetie.

Dearest XXX;
Thank you so much for being in my life this past year. I treasure every single moment we have shared together. Though we are miles away, you are always close to my heart and near in my thoughts. You're even sexier today than the day I met you. I can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Judy

Good Friends

Petey is probably one of my best damn friends in the whole freaking world. Thanks for getting me home. Thanks for not hateing me for barfing in your car. Thanks for being so fucking much fun to hang out with!

So I went out to karaoke on Wednesday night with Petey. Since he was the designated driver I was imbibing quite a bit. More than I should have. I won't tell you HOW much just take my word for it that it was A LOT.

Yesterday morning I felt like shit and figured I had a lovely HANG OVER. Mid day I still felt like shit and was running a fever and Cabbage Patch was feverish and listliss so I started to doubt this was all hang over and maybe I was just SICK AGAIN. I spoke to someone who was at karaokee the night before and she told me that she too was ill - she had been sitting across from me. DAMN IT! I Was SICK AGAIN!

Today both kids were running fevers over 101, so Super Girl is home. Luckily I'm feeling much better today.

Hedgehog Day


Happy Hedgehog Day! Well that's what Super Girl insisted it was when she got home from school today. Heh. Damn hedgehog saying 6 more weeks of winter. Kill Sonic!

I Wonder If Lorena Bobbitt Did It?

I just read this story, really quite sad that people get so offended by nude art and would choose to vandalize it destroying someone's hard work and personal expression.

Absurd Things
Thanks XXX for these!

A Klingon Wedding...

Aborted gummy baby.

Action figure kidnapped.

Ramblings

I hate going to a store that supposedly specializes in something and not being able to find the kind of something I'm looking for. Fuckers. Wasting my time.

It's cold here tonight. And rainy. Drove out in the cold rain. It was DARK on the roads around here (no street lights) - prime alien abduction territory. Except that there were lots of cars around so no such luck in being abducted. When we left the fabric store, it was a LOT later than we expected so we are speculating that we were actually abducted and didn't realize it.

Me: Wow! Where did the time go??? Maybe we were abducted by aliens.
K: Oh! Anal probe!
Me: *rolling eyes* Sheesh! Enough with your gay fantasy!

Back home we go and now I need a nap, except it's like 10 pm and I can't take a nap now that would just be bed time, but if I go to bed NOW I'll be up at 4 am!!! I can't do that.

Second night in a row I've had an offspring disturbing my sleep. Ugh. I hate that. Must convince progeny that sleep deprived mommy is much more frightening than the monster under the bed.

Anyway, I can't go to bed now, I have PROJECTS to finish and I'm all motivated to get them done. I'm afraid that if I SLEEP that all the motivation that I have at this very moment will escape my body and I'll once again be possesed by absolute procrastination. Damn, sucks to be a slacker.

And now something funny to watch. Hot and sexy XXX sent that to me. heh.

Crazy Bear


Some people are pissed about this bear being on the market. I think he's adorable! I want a Crazy For You bear. Although... the Elvis Love Me Tender Bear is damn cute also. My only question about the bears is if the Crazy bear comes with a bottle of Prozac and if the Elvis bear comes with... well a bottle of pills too?

Tasteless Yet Funny
(at least to me!)

Volkswagen isn't happy about this hoax ad. heh, wonder why?

Still Smirking

Looking down and seeing the packaging for the 'Classic Butt Plug' and noticing the highlighted phrase 'Fire up the plug!'

hehehe.... Go ahead, laugh, you know it's funny.

Speaking of Spicy And Chinese

Damn it. I just opened my fridge to get a snack and some tasty French vanilla creamer for my coffee and the bar that holds things securely in the bottom shelf on the door let go. Just finished cleaning up hot pepper juice and soy sauce.

Waiting For Sal To Arrive

Sal as in Salmonella. Last night the torential rains detered myself and K from venturing out to secure food for dinner. (well not torential but it WAS raining) Instead we foraged through the kitchen until we found something suitable. A take out menu for out favorite Chinese restaraunt. Perfect, no one has to venture out in the rain and someone else cooks!

Instead of my usual (garlic chicken, extra hot, no onions or broccoli in garlic sauce - very hot) I ventured out and got somthing that promised chicken, beef and shirmp (with some veggies) in a spicy sauce (I asked for it to be a little hotter though). We all stared blankly at some movie as we languished on the couch waiting for the tiny oriental guy who braved the very cold rain and wind to bring us our hot and tasty dinner (conveniently packed in microwavable containers - makes it easy to send K off to work with leftovers).

I served the Little People food for them to turn their noses up at then served myself, all the while anticipating my super tasty meal complete with nummy shrimp - I really wanted the shrimp. I ate a few of the shrimp and kept thinking they tasted 'off' - kind of 'fishy' actually. I avoided the rest of the shrimp with much disapointment and when I finished my plate of food (minus the remaining shrimp) I wondered aloud if the shrimp was more than a little 'off' and whether I'd get a lovely case of salmonella from them. If I did it would be the SECOND time I've gotten it from Chinese food.

Anyway, probably not going to get sick from dinner but I'm still stuck with the lingering disapointment of a meal that I paid for that just sucked. And I still want some SHRIMP! (I'll keep the blog posted if Sal does decide to show up though)

The Art Of Procrastination

I'm a serious procrastinator. I always have been. I generally get my things done in time but for some idiotic reason I wait until the absolute LAST possible moment to do them. Not everything mind you, but many things. In high school and college I would wait to write my entire research papers until the night before, armed only with a handful of source books and a book I was supposed to have read, I always finished and never got below a B+ on content (editing was generally out of the question since I was finishing up at 3 am, my senior research paper sported a lovely 98% for content and 15% for puncuation and spelling). But I digress...

I have finally finished making Cabbage Patch's lovely coat. The temperatures have been steadily in the 40's for nearly a week so I figured it was TIME to make the damn coat. The REALLY sad and pathetic part... it took me less than an hour to make.

I'd love to break this habit as I'm really wanting to make a go of sewing to support my own damn self and not waiting until mere hours before a deadline would be quite advantagous. Any suggestions on breaking it? *Don't suggest I give up my double Roofiecolada for lunch or my 3 hours of mid afternoon passing out/nap time (something about the Roofiecolada ya know), I've worked very hard to cultivate a decent addiction and I think I'm finally getting to be an intersting addict worthy of whispers and speculation.

Now the best part of having finished her truly adorable coat is that she does NOT want to wear it. She has a raggedy ass looking blue hoodie jacket that she LOVES. *sigh*

* I actually gave up my Roofiecolada habit when my **local dealer raised the price unexpecedly.

** heh, kidding, the only roofies I ever had in my possesion were my cats.

A Riddle For Monday

Q: What does one get with two kids and two cats in one bed at 4 AM?

A: Absolutly NO sleep!

Some days it doesn't pay to be a parent... oh wait... I don't get a pay check for this.

Civic Minded White Supremacist

Just read this story about the Nazi Party picking up trash on the road... I'm not even sure what type of comment to make on this... Shocked is about the only thing I can muster. Ahhh what a great country we live in.

Gayest Party Ever

Yesterday I went to the GAYEST party. No really, it was. I swear I was the ONLY straight adult there. It was fun. Cookie decorating party with a bunch of lesbians is eventful, education and a lot of fun.

This Post Brought To You By The Letter P...
And The Color Yellow...
And The Number 1

Today was my BIG DAY to go take care of my traffic tickets. That meant it was to be a really busy day. Not a good day for intestinal issues.

My cup of coffee while reading e-mail was interupted by an urgent trip to the bathroom. Ugh. I figured it would pass, maybe just something from yesterday didn't agree with me. After driving K to work, dropping Super Girl at school (which by the way for some reason her getting out of the car and walking off to school by her self makes me all teary eyed every single time! She's growing up so fast!) I hurried home as I had another urgent call to the bathroom to attend to. I layed down on the couch about 10 am with Cabbage Patch and fell asleep. K called at 11 am to find out when I was leaving to meet him for lunch... I assured him we were leaving right then - and hurridly woke Cabbage Patch (who didn't appreciate that one single bit) and we left. K cashed his check and we had lunch at McDonalds.

My stomach started feeling bad part way through my chocolate shake and chicken strips but I figured I could hold out until we got home as I dispise using public toilets. No really I do. I have been known to hold out from going pee at work all day just to avoid the public restroom. I absolutly refuse to use the toilet on the bus and will hold it for the entire 5 hour trip - I think I would almost rather my bladder burst than use the questionable facilities on the bus. I've held it for hundreds of miles because a gas station bathroom was too dirty/scary/smelly/creepy. This is a great ability especially back when I used to do a lot of drinking, I could drink all night and be the only girl who hadn't gone to the bathroom 15 times. But I digress. I wasn't so lucky today in my neverending quest to avoid public restrooms. Right before we left McDonalds I KNEW I HAD to go right then. I enter the bathroom and some grandma is getting her two grandkids to wash their hands. I head to the first stall I see and right before I can touch the door Grandma says "Excuse me! Our stuff is still in there." I continue walking and she repeats her self, I realize she's talking to me and stop. Not a good thing when someone is singlemindedly heading for a toilet while desperately clenching one's butt cheeks. Big sigh as I change directions quickly. While I think to myself "What the fuck? Why did she leave her stuff in the stall to wash hands? This isn't her private bathroom. What a rude woman!" Leaving the stall I have to ask the kids to MOVE out of the way so I could wash my hands as they are now taking up the floor space while putting on their coats in the narrow rest room, I turn to dry my hands and AGAIN have to get these people out of my way (another person had entered while I was washing and now she was waiting for them to get out of the way so she could get to the stall!). I left the bathroom and the restaraunt before grandma and her grandkids and was thorougly irritated that grandma didn't have the common sense or common courtesy to not occupy the entire bathroom. Dumbass.

After lunch, I headed to my bank to depost money (can't have my check for my ticket bouncing - not only would I get charged a fee for that but they would issue a warrant for the ticket - says so right on the ticket) then headed to the lovely city of Plano to keep that warrant from being issued. Unlike the last time I was at the court house, today there was a nice long line to stand in. *sigh* Me with a restless 3 year old standing in a long line. Lovely. When we were just 2 people from the window I suddenly had that URGE. I start mentally willing people to go faster and was barely able to pay attention to the man ahead who came in to take care of his ticket but waited way to long and was now being told to step to the back of the room, don't leave the building and an officer would process him. Oops. I finally got my chance and got done, seemed like it took forever, but that was probably just because I was trying to keep my 3 year old still while writing a check, getting my identification, listening to the instructions on the payments to make and still NEEDING to get to the bathroom. Luckily the restrooms are right next to the exit so no desperate search had to be made.

By the time we got back home it was 3 pm. Thirty minutes until time to get Super Girl from the bus. Time enough to make a couple of phone calls. One call was to my super sexy boyfriend XXX. One day maybe I'll put the contents of that conversation on here as it was amusing to discuss our mutual dislike of using public facilities. In the conversation I told how just a couple of days ago I had woken Cabbage Patch so we could get Super Girl from the bus. Now Cabbage Patch HATES to be woken from her slumber. She wakes like an angry badger, infact we call her The Badger when she's like that. That particular day I woke her just 10 minutes before going to get Super Girl (I always hope she'll wake on her own an I'll be able to avoid The Badger). She bitched and moaned all the way to the bus stop and was actively and energeticly whining and crying when I look down and realize that she was so angry about being woken that she didn't realize she needed to pee before we left and that she had wet her pants. That just made her more upset. Then yesterday she woke moments before time to leave in a decent mood. When we get to the bus stop she looks at me desperately and says "Mamma! I need to potty!" There's no time to go back home so I ask her "If we go behind the bushes, can you pull down your pants and panties and go pee?" She says yes and I head her over to a small cluster of bushes. Her first public peeing. I'm happy she didn't wet her pants. Super Girl's first public peeing was nearly traumatic for both her and I and she somehow managed to pee on her panties, so this was much smoother. Today we go and as soon as we get to the bus stop, Cabbage Patch heads to the bushes saying she has to go potty. I suddenly realize that she thought peeing in the bushes was cool and wants to do it again! I tell her that she's going to have to hold it as the bus is almost there. I've turned my child into a public pee'er!

Ah well it all worked out.

Good to know.

What Kind Of 60's Person Are You?

My results:


You are a Radical. Right on!

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by

Will You Touch My Monkey?

L was lucky enough to have someone teach her how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in Romanian, unfortunately she can't remember how to say it now. Damn. I want to know how to say "Will you touch my monkey?" in as many languages as possible, I now want to say "Will you touch my monkey?" to everyone I meet. I want a shirt that says it! Hell I may even change one of my children's name to "Will you touch my monkey?" I've got monkey fever. I am the creator of the fabulous Angry Albino Sock Monkey, I believe THIS phrase ("Will you touch my monkey?") is to be MY phrase! Ahahahahahahaha!!! WILL YOU TOUCH MY MONKEY????? *


*I'm still under the influence of many OTC medications, sometimes mixing them makes for interesting results. Will you touch my monkey?

How To Ruin Hottie Status

My neighbor across from me is a hottie. He runs and on occasion I get lucky enough to be walking back to my place when he's on the trail, we wave and nod as he passes and my eyes follow his tight little ass until he's out of sight. Yesterday morning as I returned from the bus duties I saw Hottie Neighbor outside and said "Hi, how are you?" He said "Doing good, just getting ready to pick up dog poop." Ahhhh... ummm... okay, thanks for that one. He's no longer Hottie Neighbor in my mind, he's now Dog Shit Picker Upper... and for some reason, that just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Somthing To Ponder...

I wonder if they'll ever catch this guy? I suppose they could stake out all the places that sell cases of batteries and gallons of lube at wholesale prices.

Go figure.

Recovery In Sight

I'm finally getting better. Either that or I've finally found the right combination of chemicals to make me feel better. Whatever it is, I'm happy.

I spent the whole freaking weekend sleeping, either on the couch or in my bed.

The Little People seem to be over this and back to being nice (thankfully).

A Little Behind...

No not mine, it's a LOT of behind. I mean I'm behind on my shipping of my e-bay items. *sigh* I hate that. Now I have A TON of things to get shipped between today and tomorrow.

Actually I'm behind on everything... laundry, cleaning, sewing, etc. I better get going so I can do some catching up!