Awesome Cakeness!!





I made this cake today. The customer wanted the cake to match the napkin from the party decorations. The initial thought was to make a photo cake but luckily for the customer the printer is out of black ink so... I free handed the space shuttle on the cake. The best part was when the customer picked up the cake. The the woman shrieked "I love this cake!" Anyway, this was soooo cool, I just had to share!

Self Portrait





It's not done, but I felt like sharing.

Save The Date For SPCF's Annual Breakfast Fundraiser!

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!
You are cordially invited to the SPCF's annual breakfast fundraiser!

Details:

WHEN: Pirate Weekend at TRF (Saturday, October 20th)
WHERE: Between Rows 1-3
WHAT: Breakfast! The most important meal of the day! Tasty Breakfast Tacos!
WHO: Hosted by SPCF and the SPCF Knights assisted by Rogue Wave
WHY: Because we care! All proceeds go to Lone Star Multiple Sclerosis

More details (and reminders) as we approach the date! Now run off and put that on your calendar!! You know you do not want to miss pirates cooking breakfast tacos.

Warmest and most regal regards;
Duchess Fate
SPCF

(Bruce Willis, you really should go with me to this! It will be sooo much fun!)

Taking A Moment To Raise Awareness...



Please pass this on, consider the message and consider acting on it. This is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. George Bush cut funding for childhood cancer research this year.

This was passed along to me by a dear friend who lost his a child to cancer.

L'shanah Tovah!!

Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my wonderful friends!!
I suck so much, the holidays just slip up on me. Tonight starts Rosh Hashanah – the Jewish New Year, so there will be much merriment and happiness. We celebrate this wonderful holiday from sundown tonight until nightfall on the 14th.
If I don’t get to see each and every one of you during this time (which I won’t), I just want you all to know that the friendship and love that you have given to me is what makes this day sweet and wonderful, knowing that you’ll all be there this next year to make it the best year yet!

AND now, my FAVORITE Rosh Hashanah joke!
A Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the Jewish family who employed him treated him. "You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they always buy me lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits! I get off all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah."
"That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what's Rosh Hashanah?"
"Oh, that's when they blow the shofar**."
"Wow!" said the amazed friend. "Those are SOME benefits!"
(** The Shofar, a ram's horn, is the oldest wind instrument. The sounding of the Shofar is the most ancient rite in the Rosh HaShana observances.)

Now I must head to the store to get honey and some things

Calgon Take Me FAR, FAR AWAY!

Shit. First grade homework is going to fucking kill me. Or should I say, doing first grade homework with my Alien Tiny Terrorists is going to make my fucking brain EXPLODE. It’s taken 2 hours to finish this! Two fucking hours! Five sentences! All she had to do was write five sentences! Wow, I thought Super Girl was stubborn, I don’t ever remember getting a tension headache while doing homework with her.

Wow this day really has rather sucked – it started out just perfect. A short chat with Bruce Willis, most amazingly wonderful weather to walk to work in… then I got to work and went straight to the crapper from there. And the fighting with my offspring to make them do their homework, well THAT’S just made it so much BETTER – NOT!

I need a break… maybe a nice dinner with Bruce Willis or a massage from Bruce. I’ll probably just go to bed early. Blah!

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

"Each man is the smith of his own fortune."

Lucky Numbers: 7 14 28 35 44 18

Star Trek Porn

This conversation just happened:

Me: Did he just say “Arm the Astral Penis”?
Him: NO. He said “Arm the AFT TORPEDOS” you sex fiend.
Me: I know what I heard. And I liked it. ;)

Blast From The Past

I was unloading laundry from the dryer today when I found the most inexplicable article in the dryer. Inexplicable because I thought I’d gotten rid of it at least 10 years ago and also because… why the fuck was it in the dryer??? What I found was my PROM DRESS! So weird. I was talking about this dress to Bruce Willis at lunch the other week and now… here it is. Very weird.

Enjoy the photos, they make me LAUGH!


Me and my ever so GAY date. I hated that corsage - it was UGLY. Damn my nails looked FAB!


I wasn't wearing heels - he is just really SHORT. If only you could see the AWESOME came I was wearing - black with burgundy interior. I matched the beads on the dress and my hair color to it!


Assorted other prom photos - check out the fucked up back ground for out photos. They didn't have it set up right so it was about two feet off the floor and looks JACKED in all photos.


Okay the only reason I included this one is the photo in the right top corner. Yeah, that's my idiot date. He stood in a photo with a girl I knew because she didn't have a date and didn't want to stand alone. He asked if I cared and well I was too shocked to actually say YES, but whatever. If you look in the photo you'll see she's a good 6 inches taller than him. hehehehe.



And THIS is the dress. All washed and dried. Amazingly most of the beads are still attached. Anybody need a prom dress?

My offspring just got home and my oldest just said "Oh mamma! That's such a pretty dress!" Crazy child.

At Least It Isn't The Neighbor's Dog!

Me: Are you hearing voices again?

Him: Yes, yes I am. Oddly enough all the voices I hear sound like you.

Me: That's sooo cool! All my voices sound like me too!


It's always interesting at Casa De Karmically Challenged.

Responsible Pet Owners Will Cringe…

This morning after K left for work, he came back in and said “Get some pants on; you will not believe what someone threw in the dumpster. It’s actually got me angry.” As I slipped into some clothes, I tried to fathom what would piss him off, a plaid sofa? A broken baby crib? A rhinestone Elvis jumpsuit? No, nothing so trivial.

Two live hamsters in their aquarium with no food or water. I was shocked and dismayed to see this as well. How can you leave a tiny little animal out in their little glass box with no water? Especially in Texas? If they even survived that, then there are all the cats, dogs, and raccoons who would love to have them for a meal.

I told K to bring them inside, I’d figure out something. I just wasn’t going to let them die outside. Now I am the foster parent of two really sweet and adorable hamsters. Yes just a foster – I will not keep them. I have two cats and four gerbils, the inn is all full up in the rodent area.

So here is the 411 on the rodents. They are obviously full grown, both male and hand tamed. One is longhaired (I call him Jabba the Hut because he looks like Jabba when he’s eating – it’s cute!) and the other is shorthaired (Jean Luc). They are a bonded pair so they must stay together. These are wonderful pets for someone, very low maintenance and they are extremely friendly. They already have an aquarium (it has a crack in it, it’s not huge though so it doesn’t need replacing) so you wouldn’t have to buy much – a new screen for the top (this one is all jacked up), a water bottle and a bag of food. Take a look at them; they are super adorable and very sweet.

If you’d like the pair and live in the area, contact me.

Bribery Works!

This morning Cabbage Patch informed me repeatedly that she did not want to go to school. I of course informed her that no way in hell would she be staying home. In questioning her as to why she didn’t want to go to school, she said quite bluntly “I don’t want to learn!” hahahahahahaha! To bad! As the morning continued and she continued to whine and complain, I finally offered her a bribe. I said “Hey! If I let you buy lunch at school will that make you happy?” She grudgingly accepted my offer. As I handed over two bucks to each kid, Super Girl asked what day it was and after being told it was Friday she turned to her sister and said “Awww you should have been whiny yesterday morning! Yesterday was pizza day!”

PS She was down right grouchy yesterday morning. The return of The Badger! Luckily, yesterday all it took was The Badger Song to get all things right with the world.

Why Do I Do These Things? Because Some Days I Just Wake Up Stupid!

Yesterday I had a small little glass of MILK (and a cookie!). Today, well I’m not feeling so hot (probably a good thing Bruce Willis is to busy to go out – I’m not the person you want to be near at the moment). I CURSE YOU LACTOSE INTOLERANCE!!

But my lactose issues sparked an odd conversation with K (but really, all conversations with K tend to be odd… or maybe it’s just all conversations with me are odd?). He said how it was terrible that I was a Milkaphobe! He called me racist then and I denied that I was a Dairy Bigot. I resent that accusation! I have NEVER EVER said anything discriminatory about dairy products in general! I’ve had my run ins with specific items but I’ve never held that against the entire dairy production line. It’s not me! It’s THEM. See, I never turned my back on dairy, dairy made the choice to become my enemy. Until we can once again co-exist peacefully, I’ll be stand behind this line drawn in the sand (by dairy! Not me!) Okay, I’ll probably still sneak glasses of milk or slices of cheesecake occasionally and then suffer, but hey! I might spontaneously become UNlactose intolerant!

I am not a Dairy Bigot!

Life's Not Fair!

At least that's what I tell the oldest of the Tiny Terrorists. Here's our list…

It's not fair that we don't have flying cars and moving sidewalks and all that happy crap from The Jetsons!

It's not fair that cookies taste so darn good and are soooo bad for you yet broccoli is good for you and doesn't taste even half as good as a big ol' chocolate chip cookie still warm from the oven (okay Super Girl says Oreo cookies – her father's DNA speaking there).

It's not fair that the cats don't work! They don't do jack squat around here other than eat, sleep and choke up hairballs. (Super Girl just lamented that they can't juggle. I have to second that one, at least if they could dance or sing or juggle they'd be some what entertaining.)

It's not fair that we don't have a robot! Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson! The laundry needs to be washed!

It's not fair that we aren't all cyberneticly enhanced. (Yes I am a GEEK.)

It's not fair that the pets don't clean up after themselves. (or my offspring for that matter!!)

It's not fair that I'm not a billionaire. That is just NOT fair.

It's not fair that my child has to do her homework now that she's wasted enough time by making this list.

…Actually that is fair. ;)

Ahem… moving on now. You might want to let this one roll to voice mail because I am YET again phoning it in! (Actual content soon to come as I've most recently found my photos from TWO, yes that's one more than one – TWO PARTIES I've attended recently. No… wait… THREE! Wow, math isn't my strong suit. Now back to today's programming. Leave a message after the beep. Rinse, lather, repeat. Not for oral or anal use. Don't run with that, you'll put your eye out!

Dude… Am I messed up in the head because I was just scanning an article and when I saw FORESIGHT my mind thought it was FORESKIN and I was all "Woah, wtf? Foreskin? Disney? Do they go together?" And then… I read it again. Heh… such a dork I am!

Oh yeah, one more NOT FAIR! No Bruce Willis for me! That is the WORST NOT FAIR! In a just and right world I would have him all the damn time. *sigh*

Random Photo Day!

It's my day off, it's raining and I've got a lingering headache (yes I've taken something, thank you for asking... but feel free to bring more Tequilla as I seem to have taken all the 'doses' of that for this thing... kidding! I jest! I do that a lot! There's nary a drop of hard liquor in Casa De Karmacially Challenged. Surprising since the Tiny Terrorists do reside here...) so *RING!* *RING!* Please pick up the white courtesy phone, because I'm phoning it in today!

Part Of My Problem...




I've got MAD COW DISEASE! And K gave it to me! But isn't it just the cutiest little microbe you've ever seen?

See, that's the answer... Me = Mad Cow.

Take a look:


Real Mad Cow (okay maybe not actually MAD but probably a little indignant about having her photo taken).


And of course ME (not that I'm MAD in this photo, just having a jell-o shot). As you can see if not for the flower in my hair, we'd be nearly identical.

Moo.

My Eggs Are Better Than Yours



How cool is that? Let me answer! WAY COOL! Those are hard boiled eggs pressed into shapes by ever soo cool ice cream sandwich molds. See below:


K got these for my birthday - without even knowing I had been lusting after them for a few months, just so I could make fun shaped boiled eggs in them.

The offspring were not nearly as impressed with the eggs as I am, but who the hell cares? I like them! So who wants to have some boiled eggs? Piggie, cow or star? (I dyed the eggs with some food coloring for dramatic effect)

And by mentioning my ever sooo cool birthday gift, that brings me to another subject (random thought segway - lucky you!).

K's History Of Bad Pressies!

K has a long history of giving me just really not so great pressies. Luckily I'm not a person who has to have lots of presents, so truly I've always appreciated the earnest efforts he's made - and the good laughs many of his presents have given me.

Check out one of the first things K gave me when we first started dating:


I'm not entirely certain WHY he thought a 20 year old woman would LOVE this hideous thing, but he did for some reason. And I've kept it for the past 16 years because it amuses the hell out of me that he would pay money for that - or better yet that when he saw THAT he thought of ME!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!

Granted, not all of the presents over the year have blown as much as that one, interspersed among the bizarre crap have been some true gems - Mad Cow Disease and my adorable tribble! Other times I've told him EXACTLY what to get for me to ensure it's what I want. But honestly that takes the fun out of it and as the years have passed it's more of an adventure to see what he comes up with by himself. Years of late it's been most interesting as there have been a few gay porn calendars, a pink butt plug and lube (still unused), dice and other gaming supplies, super hero dolls, Barbies (even a lesbian Barbie) and DVD's. Some hits, some misses, some WTF were you thinking? But I digress... I really just wanted to post that photo of that awful gnome. ;) Now doesn't that make you feel better about your day?

Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say At a Work Cook Out

Especially when the boss is the one cooking…

Never say:

I’ve got to get some of his sausage.

And upon returning do not say:

I got one of his sausages.

And this is completely out of the question to add:

And it’s a big one!

Yes someone actually said those phrases today at the work cook out. The every so gay almost 18 year old cashier and I exchanged looks then tried hard not to burst out laughing. I swear one of these days I’m going to get myself fired because I won’t be able to keep my pie hole shut.

How I Look

I stole this from Bad Bad Bunny. Google the phrase "(Your name) looks like" and find the best one from the first page of results. Don't forget to put it in quotes, otherwise it won't work. Okay, so I did that and holy fuck! I laughed so hard milk almost came out of my nose and I haven’t even drank milk in MONTHS!

Here are my answers:

Judy looks like you captured a porkiepine puffer in your last post. (I don’t think that’s Kosher.)

Judy looks like she is having a very difficult time not bursting out laughing. (So true)

Judy looks like crying, that makes me a sista' draggin' caveman. (‘sista’ draggin’ caveman’? WTF?)

Judy looks like she doesn't understand. (A more true statement has not been made)

Judy looks like she's hoping that a casting director for the next Tarzan movie might happen by. (Uhh…. What?)

Judy looks like that duck is ready to attack your feet. (Aaackkk! Not a duck!)

Judy looks like she's about to cry and Richard's words hang in the air between them like a poisoned chalice. (Sheesh, he’s such a dick.)

Judy looks like fun in Sweden. (Baby, I look like fun ANYWHERE.)

Judy looks like she has been brought back from dead on a regular basis! (Oh fuck off)

Judy looks like a million dollars. (See I don’t look like the living dead!)

Judy, looks like they're gonna have to clean this area. (Well tell them to get on it! I’m tired of cleaning!)

Judy looks like she will get away with murder. (If only…)

Judy looks like a babbling idiot. (Ironically… I often am a babbling idiot.)

judy looks like a little angel. (awww you’re just saying that to get in my pants.)

judy looks like a monkey. (Not since having the tail removed.)

Judy looks like she is attending a wake not a romantic holiday with her husband. (ahhh… hmmm… GAY husband… what do you expect?)

Judy looks like Natalie Wood. (Before or after death?)

Judy looks like a very interesting piece of software. (Oh hell yeah!)

judy looks like the devil. (Oddly enough, I’ve heard that before.)

Judy looks like Sharon Osbourne. (Sheesh, I think I’d rather look like a monkey or the living dead)

Judy. Looks like you are going to be living on free dinners for a while when you get back. (Will this require me being on me knees a lot?)

Judy looks like she is in pain. (Probably from working on my knees.)

Judy looks a little petulant as she confesses, "It's hard for me.” (Well yeah, that’s why I was on my knees.)

And my favorite:

Judy looks like a crossdressing prostitute with implants. (Dude… implants?)

Oh Noes! My Orgasms Be Borked!

New Bob does not work. And that my friends is deeply disappointing. Not as disappointing as say having the batteries die in the middle of an *ahem* ‘workout’, but still very disappointing. I told K about my non working new Bob and we had this conversation:

ME: …I have a not working BOB
HIM: You've got other Bob's.
ME: and no Bruce Willis in the forseeable future
ME: but this was NEW BOB
ME: the one that if it was good enough would be called Bruce Willis
ME: on occasion.

He’s lacking sympathy. He’s in Austin with the offspring (spur of the moment trip with a friend) and I’m here. Doing what you may ask? CLEANING. And not masturbating. How sad is that???

But I digress.

So Close To A Near Death Experience

In other news I nearly DIED today. Easy Bake Oven tried to KILL me today. And I know not why! I love that car! And her lack of air conditioning and all her beauty marks and her crackly speakers. I love driving her – not in stop and go traffic that is, just on the high way. Oh, wait almost forgot to tell you about my NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE… well okay, I exaggerate just a tad… how about an ALMOST NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE or maybe even a NEAR PANTS WETTING EXPERIENCE. That it most defiantly was, I did nearly piddle on my cow print seat cover. So here I was getting on the high way after a LOVELY trip to Wally World to deal with the idiot WalMartians to get my contacts (what FUN!) and I was at the end of the on ramp when I shift from third to fourth and guess what? Easy Bake will have none of that – she refuses to shift into fourth! Or back to third… or even second and defiantly not first…. Nothing. I have the clutch shoved all the way in (the seat was all the way forward so I could actually be doing that) and nothing doing. I slapped on the hazards and coasted into the break down lane as traffic whizzed past me and I had a mini anxiety attack while asking the maker above why he would let me die one exit from home. I did the only semi logical thing to do – I put that bitch in park and stomped on the clutch then tried every gear. When I got to reverse it clunked into gear so I tried first again and lo and behold it went into gear. So to make a pointless story short, Easy Bake decided to work for me and I managed to get back home where I vowed to not drive her and maybe get on some anxiety medicine.

Okay, I must get back to CLEANING.

And Just When I Think It CAN'T Get Better...


It does!

Look what arrived today!



It's BOB! NEW BOB!

Lunch with Bruce Willis and now NEW BOB! *SQUEE!* I'm recharging my batteries as I type!

Fridays ROCK!

A perfect lunch with Bruce Willis. Who could ask for anything more? Certainly not me.

Blame Canada

K is an insane person… He just played a song on his cell phone and says “Do you recognize that song?” I listen for a moment and say “No, what is that?” and with utter surprise and amazement at my lack of knowledge of the song he says “It’s Oh Canada!” I blink twice hard and say “What the fuck makes you think I’d know Oh Canada?? I was born in LOUISANA not CANADA!” His response: “You had a friend you worked with who was Canadian!” Me: “It’s not like he came into work every morning singing the Canadian National Anthem.” As if that wasn’t enough, the youngest of my progeny pipes up “You lived in Canada?” I tell her no, mommy has NEVER lived in Canada. A few select words from K and Cabbage Patch burst out with “Liar! You did live in Canada!” Nothing I can say will dissuade her of this fact. And K, well he sees this as a great victory that one of my offspring believes I am Canadian. I think he needs to get out more.

Mayor Of Dorkville

That would be me. And ya know, today, I’m actually WEARING my DORK shirt so it’s totally appropriate. I’m not going to give you all details and force myself to relive my incredible dorkitude. Just suffice to say that I really REALLY need to learn WHEN to keep my mouth (typing fingers) shut! I swear, if I could have been virtually picking my nose at the same time I was messaging, then that would totally complete the moment… on yeah and if I had toilet paper on my shoe.

I need to go to bed now so I can sleep off my current feeling of being a freshman in high school having just spilled my chocolate milk down my shirt. No worries people, soon I’ll post something worth READING. In the mean time, go read a book or go masturbate or something.

Counting Cups…

And here I sit sipping coffee and using the free wi-fi at Café Brazil yet another night. Tonight I smartly left the family at Casa De Karmically Challenged so I could hog the Internet all to myself. This disconnection of Internet is quite troubling to me… or just proof that I’m addicted to it… and coffee.

And So It Begins

I spend all summer wishing the offspring back into school and then the first day of school starts and I’m in tears. This year K walked Super Girl to her class and I walked Cabbage Patch to hers. This is a good thing, I would have been blubbering like a baby if I had to take them both to class. I always cry when the first day of school happens though (and on the last day as well… but those are different tears). And yet I can’t help but feel a bit like an ass because I know others who this day is much harder for. You’ve been on my mind all day.

Moving On

This whole week has been emotional for me. I’m not much of a crier, D and I just weren’t raised to be emotional. I absolutely loath crying in front of people and actually see that as a sign of weakness… but enough about my damaged psyche… D left for Florida this past Saturday morning. She and Coco The Wonder Dog spent Friday night with me. Saturday morning after I had been at work for about an hour it hit me that my sister was leaving… for 6 months… the first time in almost 20 years my sister would be more than a 45 minute drive from me. Then the tears started and let me tell you, it’s hard to decorate cakes with tears blurring your vision. Actually it’s hard to type also, just writing about this has me in tears again. Sorry, can’t write anything funny about this, D’s the only family member I’m really close with and I’m really sad that she’s gone – even if it’s only for 6 months.

Luckily Saturday got really busy at the store and I worked for 11 hours then came home to collapse so I didn’t cry much after she stopped by the store to say a quick good bye.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Tonight for some reason was Super Girl’s big night to bring up uncomfortable things for me. Right in the middle of making dinner she brought up K’s older brother whom I affectionately refer to as Dick Hole. I’m not sure why she brought that up since she only met him when she was 6 months old, but she kept on with the questioning of me despite me repeatedly telling her to ASK HER FATHER. Sheesh.

THEN as if that wasn’t enough she brought up my ex boyfriend and started asking questions about him and why I wasn’t with him anymore and how he was doing, that he was really nice and on and on… Sheesh… that kid has quite the memory. Luckily for me the ex boyfriends are few and far between.

Not Much Longer…

Luckily I won’t be internet-less for much longer. I really enjoy the coffee here but I wonder if the mass consumption in such a short span of time is causing me irreparable brain damage.

I promise I'll post some happy photos and non-depressing, Prozac inducing words as soon as my internet is back up.

Somebody Needs to Cut Me Off!

Working on my 5th cup now. Still on the free internet...

Just had this conversation with my offspring who is the space alien...

Her: My Master was mean. He made me clean everything and scrub the toilet.
Me: Oh, just like me then.
Her: Yeah, only EVIL-er.
Me: Ahhhh... I didn't know it was possible to be EVILer than me.

Wow... all this coffee is AWESOME! I think I'll live here. Free internet, awesome freaky 80's music and COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sooooo Disconnected....

I'm still internetless. Today I'm reporting from the local Cafe Brazil which has FREE internet. I'm on my 4th cup of coffe (gotta love that endless cup of coffee!!!) and we are pretending to have a family dinner and not just be here to get fee internet (and COFFEE!!) - I look like such a jerk sitting here with K's computer while everyone else eats. How OBNOXIOUS! But WHATEVER!

Moveing on...

For some fucked up reason I still can't sign on to MySpace. I think it has something to do with K's computer and the fact that it's basically EVIL. But I love the evil, especially when the evil is getting me online.

Well I was going to write more, but K is now eyeing the computer. I GUESS I better hand it over since it's HIS computer.... DUDE... he just put the check on my purse! Ass! Maybe I'll start playing WOW now just to get get back at him. ;) kidding!

Fucking, Fuckity, Fuck-Fuck!

I am currently hating Time Warner and AT&T, who are both simultaniously fucking me. And I haven't even gotten a kiss or a reach around.

Wednesday I rescheduled my Thursday install of cable internet and phone to Wednesday of next week. Thursday mid-day my telephone was shut off, and today mid-morning my internet was shut off. K (who was home sick) got ahold of AT&T who told him that Time Warner told them to shut it off and they couldnt' turn it back on any sooner than Tuesday of next week. Time Warner said that because I had rescheduled less than 72 hours in advanced, I was fucked - not in those exact words, but close enough. I had a long conversation liberally peppered with profanity with a very nice gentleman at Time Warner who sympathized and even appologized for laughing when I said I was getting fucked and hadn't even got a kiss or a reach around, but he can't do dick. Though IF they get a cancelation, I'm in... or so they say. So... I'm internetless and phoneless... and pissed of.

AND I can't post this over on my MySpace blog because I can't get loged on. Fuckity, fuck fuck!

Oh... I had a really good day - LONG! Had lunch with an old friend from WAY BACK and it was AWESOME!

CAKES! CAKES! CAKES!

Because I know you want to see this!


I know Sable loves this one...


Ahhh the finishing touches to make it PERFECT. Don't you think so Sable?


This I just like because it's sooo damn pretty!


My personal favorite. I did this today on a whim! I love pretty fishies!

I appologize that the photos aren't fabulous, but I took them with my camera phone.

So Freaking Tired

I’m so freaking tired. I already said that, but I’m so tired saying it twice just makes sense… or three times now. And ya know what? I feel a tad bit guilty saying that I’m TIRED after working all day… decorating cakes! I have this AMAZING job that I LOVE and it just seems insane that I’d be tired after decorating cakes all day and for that, I’m feeling a bit guilty. But… fuck that noise, I’m tired and tomorrow will be just like today… except not… since it’ll be Friday and Friday’s are busier than Thursdays… whatever.. I work every day until Monday. It’s a good thing I LOVE my job!

Will Wonders Ever Cease?

Tonight was meet the teacher night at the Tiny Terrorists school. Due to the fact that the school NEVER sent their reports cards home, I had no idea what grade they would be in. I was completely convinced that Cabbage Patch had failed Kindergarten and was fairly convinced that Super Girl had failed 2^nd grade due to her issues with testing. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Super Girl is now a 3^rd grader and totally fucking shocked to learn that Cabbage Patch is a 1^st grader! Holy Social Promotions Bat Man! My offspring passed! And I’m thrilled. My kids are ALMOST BACK IN SCHOOL! YAY! The endless litany of “I’m bored.” Is nearly OVER. Happy Dance! Happy Dance! I’m so damn proud of my girls.

Sweet Dreams

This week the senior cake decorator is on VACATION - something of which I have no idea what it is except that it requires them to be GONE and me to work every day until they return. It's cool, I love my job. The only thing is that I DREAM of decorating cakes (and raping Bruce Willis... and the hot gaming geek I call Bruce Willis... together sometimes... but I digress!). Cake dreams rock (and dreams of eating cake of HOT men rock even more), life is sweet. ;)

Destined To Be Vegetarian?

Tonight we went to a steak restaurant for K’s much anticipated return from Cali. Being a steak restaurant in TEXAS the walls were heavily adorned with tastefully done dead things. It was a taxidermist dream. At some point during the dinner, Super Girl started identifying some of the animals (calling a buffalo a moose) and some point, one of the Tiny Terrorists asked if the animals were real. I, being the ever-educational mother said yes. At that point, Super Girl said she was scared by all the dead critters on the walls. I, being ever so compassionate, rolled my eyes and told her to get over it they were dead. Then came the questions of how the dead animals were on the wall and a brief discussion of taxidermy. Super Girl seemed satisfied and stopped feigning fear. Cabbage Patch on the other had was FULL of questions; she wanted to know HOW the animals got dead. I told her that most of them had been hunted and killed – except the cat, that was probably hit by a car and the raccoon, some redneck probably shot that because it was in his garbage. Then she wanted to know WHY anyone would HUNT. I told her because animals are tasty. She was OUTRAGED. HUNTING is BAD. Uh-oh, she’s WAY too young to get a PETA membership. I then informed her that if she was going to become a vegetarian, she need to start actually EATING vegetables. I then listed off several veggies and asked her if she liked them – maybe 4 out of 12 and I know she was lying about liking broccoli. Then I asked her if she liked hot dogs, sausage, steak, chicken nuggets, etc. and she answered yes to all of it. Yeah, I just don’t see her giving up tasty animals any time soon.

Things That Make Me Happy

My birthday makes me really happy. Just because. I love having a day all to myself. (I refuse to acknowledge anyone else’s birthday that falls on my day unless they happen to be a wee child and that just makes me happy they chose to be born on such a great day – yes I know I’m vain.) What else makes me happy – birthday parties for me that are shared with my best friends bachlorette party. Oh hey, I think I’ll just make a list for you! I know that’s what you really want (or not, but that’s what you are getting!).

1. Already listed – read the paragraph above.

2. Again, I said that already.

3. Birthday cards that make me laugh.

4. My fabulous friends wishing me a happy day.

5. My sister making to my b-day party (finally).

6. Heading to the gay bar for dancing and drag show.

7. Wearing a feather boa.

8. Being a fag magnet and having the gay men talk to me about my hair.

9. Dancing with random gay men.

10. Unintentionally looking like a short chubby drag queen because I’m wearing a boa, crazy false eyelashes and dancing at a gay bar with random gay men.

11. Being told I’m too pretty to be single (Bwhahahahahaha! As if! Their seeing eye dog must have told them that.)

12. Talking to Bruce Willis for 30 minutes Sunday night. You sexy devil!

13. Two new gerbils (Captain Jack and Captain Wil).

14. A new cell phone! Gracis D!

15. School starting next week!

16. Talking to Bruce Willis for 30 minutes Sunday night. Did I mention that already? Well it made me REALLY happy.

17. Finding an old friends e-mail by chance through the gay ex.

18. Having D solve my problem with a very simple and quick fix.

19. Being wrong about something.

20. Talking to Bruce Willis for 30 minutes Sunday night. I know I already mentioned it, but he’s a sexy mutha!

Also… K is back from his trip to Cali. YAY! He made a side trip with his man to Vegas and being the UBER GEEK that he is, he has to go to Star Trek the Experience. Being thoughtful, he bought me PRESSIES!! Being ever so slightly geeky myself – I LOVE MY TRIBBLE! He also got the Tiny Terrorists’ some way too cute Vulcan teddy bears. I’ll post photos of them in the next post.

Anyway, I’m happy today.

My Love For A Dog

And I’m not talking about Coco the Wonder Dog, I’m speaking of the dog I loved all through my childhood. That would be Scooby Do. I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t love that huge talking dog. And now that I have offspring, I’m delighted to discover that Scooby has a career once again. Yes, yes there are NEW Scooby Do episodes. And yes they are just as cheesy as the originals (Fred doesn’t sport the ever so gay ascot anymore thankfully).

I remember fighting for TV time with my sister because I HAD to watch Scooby and she wanted to watch some stupid education program. As if! Everyone knows a talking dog is more educational than some hippy kids’ show on public television!

And honestly, everything I need to know, I learned from Scooby Do. Let me show you.

1. Always align yourself with smart friends. Everyone must have a Velma in his or her lives.

2. Friends with a badass ride rock. In the event of no badass ride, go for the ones with the hippy van and a gas card.

3. Beware the pretty bimbo and her boyfriend. They always manage to find trouble!

4. Despite what the group may say, you should always trust the dog’s judgment. If the dog runs, you run.

5. Bargaining, always demand a reward for anything you do. Scooby Snacks rock!

6. Have a plan. A stupid plan is better than no plan at all. (I actually learned that from Captain Simian.)

7. Expect the plan to not go as planned (see Danger Prone Daphne and boyfriend).

8. Abandoned theme parks ROCK! Oh and they are always inhabited by ghost and aliens.

9. ALWAYS go with the talking dog. You may not solve the mystery, but you’ll have more fun and there is likely to be snacks involved. Besides, a talking dog is COOL!

10. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Especially if you are trapped in an abandoned mine shaft full of aliens guarding some plutonium.

11. You won’t go to jail for breaking and entering if you are with a group of friends and act like you are solving a mystery.

12. All bad people wear masks. Practice taking them off people.

13. Never lose your glasses! Jinkies!

14. Never trust Old Man Jenkins!

And this is the reason I’ve practically banned that annoying educational programming in favor of straightforward dog sense. Rooby, Rooby Do!

Started With Vomit and Ended With Vomit!

What a great birthday I had despite the fact that I didn't get ANYONE... er.. ANYTHING off my list. I worked and got to see Super Hot Bread Delivery Man - briefly - I made my own fabulous birthday cake, had lunch with K and the offspring, got home to see birthday wishes from my favorite people in the world - my friends... even one from Japan! Then it was off to the BIG GAY evening of dinner and a movie - HAIRSPRAY - with my ex and his boyfriend (and my progeny). (Okay, okay, the dinner and movie with the GAYS was part of a untilitarian thing as K needed to be at his boyfriends house last night so he coule fly out today and have the boyfriend take him to the airport since I'll be at work in 30 mins. So, not my top choice of things to do, but it was lots of fun.) Showered with gifts (a NEW BARBIE!) then back home to see YET MORE sweet birthday wishes (even one sneaked in by another mansicle on the list - Bruce Willis, you sneaky devil! You just let me know when I can come over and eat you like a popsicle on a hot summer day. ;) )AND the most special part is that Coco the Wonder Dog did NOT forget me, right before bed she barfed on the floor right next to my computer! What a THOUGHTFUL Dog! So yeah, I've had more than enough VOMIT for my birthday, anyone else who's gotten me puke for this birthday - you are going to have to return it, it's so not original now.

Really the best part was all the birthday wishes... and the CAKE. Just know my friends and family care enough to wish me a happy day is enough for me.

I love you guys!

My AWESOME Birthday Cake!







Happy Birthday To ME! (yes I made that cake)

My FIRST B-day Gift This Year!

My cat gave it to me. She barfed on my bedroom floor right after the alarm went off. Isn't that sweet?!?!?!?!

I just want to let everyone know, just in case that was on anyones list of things to get me - I've already got it! So I don't need anymore cat vomit! Thanks anyway.

Okay, I'm off to work now - in a cat puke-free envirnment.

Shit That Only Happens To Me

The conversation just now happened:

Me, standing in the bathroom putting my makeup away. Cabbage Patch, in my bedroom talking to me.

Cabbage Patch: Mom, what is this called? It looks cool.

Me, turning to see her holding my camo print vibrator: *sputter* Uh..ah.. Stay out of my drawer! *snatching vib out of her hand*

Cabbage Patch: Yes ma’am.

MY Birthday Wish List

Since my birthday is Saturday and I'm sure MOST of you have waited until the last minute to shop for the occasion, I thought I'd make it slightly easier and put out a LIST of appropriate and most desired gift items.

BIRTHDAY LIST 2007

The Super Hot Bread Delivery Guy from my store. This boy is a genuine MANSICLE and believe me he is EXACTLY what any woman would need on a hot summer day. Tight muscled body, a multitude of artful and tasteful tattoos, fabulous smile, shaved head and he's really nice! Sounds perfect, right? YES! So someone do me a favor and kidnap him for my birthday, he's very nice, just mention it's a temporary thing and it's for my birthday and he probably won't fight to much – which is good, I'd hate for him to have rope burn or be all tired out before I got him! Oh and don't drug him! I want him all peppy and full of energy upon arrival – I don't want to spend most of my time waiting for him to become conscious then explaining why he'd be naked in my bed room with comfortable restraints. So yeah, him and some whipped cream.

Super Sexy Geeky Comic Book Guy. Super sexy, fabulous eyes, great smile, shaved head (is that a theme for me?), sharp wit. Same rules as above – him and some whipped cream.

Vin Diesel. If I have to elaborate then you are dead. Same rules apply for him also. Mmmmm him and some whipped cream.

Bruce Willis - Oh damn, Mr. Die Hard himself. Same rules, him, LOTs of whipped cream locked in my bedroom.

Any combination of the above mentioned Mansicles. All four, three, just two, only one… whatever, you get the picture… or not… it's MY BIRTHDAY FANTASY, so stop thinking about it! (unless you are any of the mansicles listed above… then think about it… a lot… and call me.)

A new car. No not THIS, but I'd love THIS. Yes really, I've always wanted a hippy mobile minus the smelly hippys.

Some new TOYS would be lovely. And by TOYS I think you all know I mean BOBs (Battery Operated Boyfriends). THIS would be lovely or THIS or even THIS except I don't have an iPod so you'd have to buy one to go with it. (Links on side bar will help you shop for theses items!)

Rechargable Batteries. One woman can not have too many of these. ;) And if I kept them all charged all the time, then K wouldn't get pissed at me for stealing the batteries out of the TV remote. Oh Pu-lease, I have NEEDS, I won't be denied!

A new BOOK! I'm dieing for a copy of Stardust by Neil Gaimen (actually just about anything by him). And as long as you get me that, you might want to give me about 4 kid free quiet hours to read said book, k? Thanks!

A maid. Male, scantily clad with a totally hot body. He doesn't have to speak English, just clean well and look GOOD at it. And cook, he need to be able to cook. (dude, I can't find photos of that on the net so maybe they are like the Easter Bunny and Open Minded Republicans – just a myth!)

Starbucks. Coffee is ALWAYS the right answer.

Okay, you have the list now GO! GO! Out Shopping! Show your love for me with GIFTS!*

*note – don't buy me presents! Just tell me happy birthday. ;) Don't spend money on me!

Of course… if you DID happen to get any of the mansicles for me, I certainly wouldn't turn them away – I mean not after all that effort and all that would just be rude.

How To Amuse Tiny Terrorists



Ahhhh nothing like shooting videos to keep the offspring from killing each other... I think the sound is a little loud tough.

I Got Nothin’

That’s exactly it, I have NOTHING for you today. Which is really no different than any other day really, so what the hell, I’ll blog anyway!

Birthday Kvetch

I turn 36 on Saturday (fuck you to all of you who are all “Wow, I totally thought she was older than that!”) and I have no plans! Well let me clarify, I have LOTS of offers for things to do, none of them are what I really WANT to do. I have an offer to go see Hairspray with two lovely gay men and the offspring, I have an offer to go to the rennie gathering, I have offers from various hot male persons who want to take me to dinner/movie/bed/dessert/etc. Honestly I don’t really want to do any of that. Eh, I’ll probably stay home and do laundry. I know, I’m exciting. Oh yeah, I just discovered that the milk EXPIRES on my birthday... is that a SIGN? Eh, probably not, I don't drink milk anyway.

Another Reason To Continue Making Voodoo Dolls

K is leaving to go out of town on business. He’s leaving the day after my birthday and won’t be home until the 20th. So not only do I get a whole week with the offspring BY MY SELF, but his trip is over my Birthday party!

Enough said… I need more pins for this doll…

Laundry

Damn I hate doing laundry, and only because I have soooo damn much! Anyway, my love see is covered (as always) with clean laundry and my offspring are currently pretending the clean laundry is falling on them and eating them alive. Maybe I used too much fabric softener.

Disney Dreams

I’m thinking of bringing a class action lawsuit against Disney. Why? For all those damn movies I watched while growing up where the animals were helpful and helped the heroine clean house! I’ve been working relentlessly to teach my cats to help around the house and all I get from them is the occasional hairball thrown up on the floor. They are completely worthless. Anyone want to join me in my quest for justice from Disney induced delusions?

5 am Wake Up Call

I got up at 5 am today. On my day off, I got up at 5 am to walk around the park with a friend and my oldest progeny. That’s insane! I’ll do it again on Monday because, well I told her I would. What were you doing at 5 am this morning?

Okay, that’s all.. I told you I had nothing ;)

The Ridiculousness Of Casa De Karmically Challenged

Yesterday, about lunchtime I see Coco the Wonder Dog come striding out of the kitchen with a hot dog in her mouth. I voiced a question to both of my progeny, “Why does the dog have a HOT DOG?” The answer came from my youngest and least sane who scampered toward the kitchen with me in tow while saying, “I wanted to have hot dogs for lunch so I took them out!” Once in the kitchen I saw that indeed she had taken them out of the fridge, which leads me to say, “Cabbage Patch, we don’t put the hot dogs where the DOG can get them! Don’t put food on the step stool. Coco thinks it’s HER food.” And we wonder why the dog never eats her dog food.